- One Liners -
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway. My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool. On the other hand, you have different fingers. I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong. God made mankind. Sin made him evil. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back. Don't steal. The government hates competition. Humpty Dumpty was pushed. National Atheist's Day April 1st. All generalizations are false. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. If you don't like the news, go out and make some. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. I can handle pain until it hurts. No matter where you go, you're there. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane. It's been Monday all week. Gravity always gets me down. This statement is false. Eschew obfuscation. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them. It's bad luck to be superstitious. According to my best recollection, I don't remember. The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary. Honk if you like peace and quiet. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like, night. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW! Life is too complicated in the morning. We are all part of the ultimate statistic -- ten out of ten die. Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody. Ask me about my vow of silence. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! I intend to live forever. So far so good. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery. I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I I've had amnesia as long as I can remember. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut." Evolution: True science fiction. What's another word for "thesaurus"? Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
