everyman

Hello, I hallucinated without taking drugs and it wasn't pretty. In fact it led to a suicide attempt that failed. Up to that point I'd never taken drugs, didn't drink and never even smoked cigarettes. As far as I can tell, I experienced a chemical imbalance in my prefrontal cortex, but I don't really know the science behind it. Severe depression, sleep deprivation, perhaps poor diet, and academic stress played their roles, as did extreme social isolation. I had just turned thirty a few months prior, so the midlife crisis kicked in as well--no family of my own, no friendships, college educated but no job, a virgin, etc.. I stopped eating and sleeping for three days, or if I ate anything at all it tasted like cardboard. What I "saw" was unbelievably awful and the pain was excruciating. The front part of my brain melted itself. I think the neurologists on this site would prefer to say I had a severe chemical imbalance, but that is the sensation I felt. It was as if someone were pouring a hot liquid through my head. By the end of the third day I felt that I would never speak again, that I'd lost the ability communicate entirely and would be rendered brain dead. I know many of you don't want to hear this or will dismiss it entirely as something particular to my individual psyche, but there is an undeniable religious component to this. Believe me, as a moderately educated person who felt pretty confident about the progressive history of reason and science triumphing over religious superstition time and again, I would have dismissed it too if it hadn't really happened. What I saw was an enormous, black granite wall closing shut on me; and I "felt" (there is no adequate verb in the English language to describe this) the prayers?whispering?chanting? of people I hadn't seen (and didn't wish to see, that is key!) in years. And yes, these were devout, dedicated Christians, some of them even literalists I'm sure. This happened over a Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Now there's a lot more to my case than just the info here, but suffice it to say that my experience has left me completely altered. I ended up hitting my head right where the pain originated, in my PFC, although cat scans were negative and the scar is barely noticeable now. This happened last year; now I'm on a mild anti-depressant and have done some enormously difficult things, things that I'd avoided for years. I pray now, and I go to church, and I read the Bible. It's not a simple, tidy solution (nothing ever is), I still have difficulty listening to people, following instructions and even reading. My ongoing recovery has lead to incremental changes in mood, behaviour, thoughts, and new sources of information, and while life is still incredibly difficult, where I'm at now compared to where I was is a miracle. Now with the time I have left I'm trying to "undo" this hallucination. All I can say to the OP is this: please do not dabble with things beyond consciousness or reality. Jesus already did it for you when he fasted in the desert. Remember that genuine creativity always comes from God, whether sacred or secular, and in your right state of mind.