Phi for All

Naw, the funniest joke ever is this one (please forgive the stereotyping, all my Jewish friends out there):A man walks into a synogogue one Saturday and kneels to pray. "God, it's me, Abraham Moscowicz. I've never asked you for anything before, but things are pretty grim for me right now. Please let me win the lottery." Next week he's back, praying, "God, it's Abe again. I didn't win. Please, please, please, just this once, let me win the lottery!" Next week he's back again, "God, I'm begging you, I don't ask for much, I'm on my knees, I really need to win the lottery PLEASE!" The following week, after an even more hysterical prayer, the synogogue is filled with a bright light, and a booming voice from above says, "Abellah, you've got to meet me half way on this thing. BUY A LOTTERY TICKET!!!"

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my a**!" Doctor: "Really? I've got some cream for that." Great one-liner: "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the people riding with him."

Best hunting joke: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

Okay, one more, then I gotta get to work. Great modern religious joke: A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy street. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the decent thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by speeding through the intersection. The tailgating woman goes mental, blaring the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still screaming at him, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a police officer. The officer orders her to get out of the car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for the mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and swearing a blue streak. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

A couple of quickies I heard recently: The real reason the Bush administration is so upset about the Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal is they fear people will realize they were caught lying about sex. Surgeons say politicians are the easiest people in the world to operate on. They have no guts, no heart and no spine, and their heads and a**es are interchangeable.

A homeless man knocks on the door of a big mansion. When the lady of the house answers he explains that he'd like a handout so he can buy some food. The lady says, "I didn't get to be rich by handing out money to vagrants. If you want money from me, you'll have to work for it!" The man says he doesn't mind working to earn the money and asks what she wants him to do. "Paint the porch around back and I'll give you $20. You'll find the paint & equipment in the shed. And," the lady adds, "you'd better do a good job or you'll get nothing!" An hour later the man knocks on the front door again. When the lady answers he tells her he's through and asks for his money. The lady exclaims, "It's a huge porch! It should have taken you all day! You couldn't possibly have done a good job. I'm not paying you a penny! Now get out of here before I call the police!" The man says, "I did do a good job! I was very careful. And for your information, it's not a porch, it's a Mercedes!"

Sorry, it didn't have a cat in it. (See post #32)

Maybe this will help:A guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens. Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxiliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still does not appear. As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to her "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No", she says, "do you know anything about gas stoves?"

Favorite heaven joke: A rich man who was near death was very sad because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting you through." St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect what the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

A brick. Nice set up, Lance.

Favorite Bush joke: Cheney here's a big, "YEEEEE-HAH!" come from the Oval Office. He rushes in and Bush tells him, "Boss, I just finished this jigsaw puzzle in record time!" Cheney sighs and says, "That's great junior. How long did it take you?" Bush replies, "Two weeks!" Cheney asks, "What's the average time?" Bush says, "Well, the box says 2-4 YEARS!"

My favorite computer joke: Three engineers are carpooling to work when the car breaks down. The mechanical engineer says, "I think the engine's shot." The electrical engineer says, "I think the problem is in the wiring." The computer engineer says, "Can't we just get out of the car and get back in again?"