Phi for All

Tesseract and his squad were standing at attention in the freezing Antarctic cold when their sergeant said, "All right! All you morons, FALL OUT!" As the rest of the squad wandered away, Tesseract remained at attention. The sergeant walked over until he was eye-to-eye with Tesseract, and then just raised a single eyebrow. Tesseract smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

It was a cold winter day, and swansont & Lance were out on the lake ice-fishing. They were there for almost two hours without even a nibble when 5614 walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in it not too far from swansont & Lance and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a largemouth bass hit his hook and 5614 pulled in the fish. swansont & Lance couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But 5614 dropped in his line and again and within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the other two couldn't take it any more since they hadn't caught a thing all this time. They went over to 5614 and said, "5614, we've been here for half the morning without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and you've caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" 5614 mumbled something they couldn't understand, so they asked, "What was that?" Again 5614 responded with incoherent mumbling, a little louder this time. "Look," said swansont & Lance, "we can't understand a word you're saying." 5614 spit a big wad of something into his hand and yelled, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"

The majestic moose! (a moose once bit my sister) Karving initials?

Please, do the civic thing and use a parallel universe so you don't mess things up for everyone else.

It could be the lime scale that accumulates in your water heater. May be time to get a new one.

4. 90% efficient amorphous photovoltaic cells as cheap as window glass.

President Bush is going to establish fair elections in Iraq. He's going to do what it takes to rebuild their infrastructure. He's going to firm up their economy. He's going to create jobs. And he said if it works over there, he'll try it over here.

The accused speaks well! "Creativity river, not the A-B-Seas!" What is the verdict? Are there grounds for sentencing? For Haiku hanging? What say you, Judge blike? Shall he run free or have you found sound bloodhound grounds?

Welcome! Enjoy the cosmos and I hope you find enlightenment of one kind or another (A moderator will probably move this to the "Introduce Yourself" thread in General Discussion if you can't find it later).

Right! This won't happen again until 6009.

Nope. Like you said, pretty easy. I liked it though. What happened in 1961 that will not happen again for over 4000 years?

The letter E.

High Court of Haiku in session. Honorable Judge Blike presiding. Bloodhound is charged with metered alphabattery. How do you plead, dog?

Bush-el basket case, Iraq sees the burning Bush and now feels am-Bushed

Beware the Bushrooms! They'll make you paranoid and see God everywhere!

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the boss' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you yesterday," the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day the same guy calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Sorry," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it!"

Oh, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition! That's their main weapon!

5614, swansont and Lance are fishing on a lake when Lance gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat. 5614 says "What should we do?" swansont says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help." So 5614 jumps in, and after quite a while, he surfaces. 5614 says, "Help me get him in the boat, he was all the way at the bottom." They wrestle Lance back into the boat. 5614 says, "What do we do now? It doesn't look like he's breathing." swansont says, "Give him mouth to mouth." 5614 blows air into Lance's lungs a few times and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Lance having such bad breath." swansont says, "Come to think of it, I don't remember Lance wearing a snowmobile suit, either."

YT2095 left work one Friday afternoon. He ran into some old mates after cashing his paycheck and instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife who screamed at him for two solid hours about how inconsiderate he'd been. Finally Kitty stopped nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" YT2095 replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little bit out of the corner of his left eye. * *Apologies, Kitty!

When Blike was eight years old, he got caught by the next door neighbor lady playing "doctor" with her young daughter. The angry mother grabbed Blike by the ear and dragged him over to his house and confronted Blike's mother. Blike's mom said, "It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing 'doctor' at their age." "Sexuality, my ass!" The neighbor yelled. "He took out her appendix!"

Tesseract was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed at an Antarctic military base for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his girlfriend, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. I'm constantly surrounded by young, attractive Navy women. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?" So his girlfriend sent him back a harmonica, with a letter saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his girlfriend. "Darling," he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First, let's see how well you can play that harmonica."

His girlfriend's gushing gratitude!

Colorado snow, shivering powdery white! Testicles protest.

Great cartoon, bloodhound! bloodhound stops by to visit his boss who has hurt his back and has to stay at home. They talk for a while and then his boss says, "My meds are kicking in and I'm starting to fall asleep, but my feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my slippers please? They're in my room and the doctor says I'm not supposed to walk up the stairs." bloodhound obliges him and goes upstairs. There he sees his boss's twin, seventeen-year-old, gorgeous daughters. Being adventurous and quick thinking, bloodhound says, "Hi, ladies! Your dad sent me up here to have sex with the two of you!" They stare at him and say, "That can't be! Are you sure?" He replies, "Well, let's ask him!" He calls out to his boss downstairs, "Both of them?" His boss yawns and shouts up, "Yes, both of them, please!"