Phi for All

Well, folks, we're up over 500 posts on the OFFICIAL JOKES SECTION thread! That's a whole lot of funny! Unfortunately, due to the fact that the #$%&ing mods haven't shut down the @&!$#&, mother#$%&ing GUNS thread in Politics, due to some hayseed, bucktoothed, hillbilly goat #$%&ers who want to just repeat what everyone else and his brother have already #$%&ing said, the GUNS thread now has 566 @^*% posts. That's the number to beat, so let's dig deep into our memories and come up with some more %*##!@$ jokes! You >+$=*@!& are really doing GREAT!

Since responding to terrorism with splashy, media-infested, high profile wars and such is playing right into their hands, I wonder if a more covert, black ops kind of approach is needed. As I've said before, smart-bombs, jets and tanks are no way to get rid of small, highly mobile terrorist cells and splinter rebel groups. How about some desert ninja commando spooks who speak Kurdi and Arabic?

Here's another reason to vote Kerry, if science is important to you. Maybe someone with subscriptions to Science or Nature or both could enlighten us further. Sounds like religion, being free to pollute & nuclear war take precedence with Bush. Yahoo link to OneWorld.net story

A radical approach might be to work diplomatically with Jordan, Saudi Arabia and Syria to divide Iraq up and make it part of those three countries. Whether they keep the name Iraq or not is up to them. It used to be Ottoman Iraq, Ottoman Arabia, etc, anyway, less than a hundred years ago. This would allow them to keep their culture and be ruled by fellow Muslims. It also allows us to get out ASAP (we trust at least SA & Jordan, right?). It's really not up to us to force democracy down people's throats (especially when we really don't have a representative democracy ourselves). I really don't know what the religious implications might be. I also don't know how proud the Iraqi's are of NOT being Jordanian or Syrian or Saudi Arabian. If it meant a more stable government and the US/UK would leave, they might be all for it.

I got pulled over for drinking and driving once by this gorgeous lady cop. She hauls me out of the car and says, "Anything you say can and will be held against you!" So I said, "BREASTS!"

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other, "Funny, I smell carrots, too".

Let's just take terrorists. The motivations of robbers, murderers, kidnappers and other criminals are too varied for just one thread. I agree with coquina. A great deal of brainwashing goes on to create a terrorist. The first terrorist must have been a fanatic about a cause he believed to be just, then he learned to train supporters by spinning his indoctrination pitch to appeal to their sense of justice, making them capable of killing innocents just to get a point across. Terrorists don't have huge amounts of funding, so they use tactics designed to make as extensive an impression as possible. They seek to punish those they see as oppressors, while hoping to gain sympathy as noble freedom fighters. You can bet they don't see themselves as evil murderers. They are David fighting the Goliath of capitalist tyranny. No one gains followers, even brainwashed ones, by telling them, hey, we're going to go out and blow up babies and women, come on, it'll be really cool. The terrorist differs from any other criminal in that they actually believe they are the good guys and will be revered by those whose opinions they respect.

Hyperspace by Michio Kaku and The Elegant Universe by Brian Greene for theoretical physics you can actually understand. Skip all the books written by Bloodhound, though. They're lewd, suggestive and totally incomprehensible.

I'm trying to find linkage to the original story that the Pentagon wanted to move into Syria after the initial invasion of Iraq. Many thought that when Israel targeted a Palestinian training camp in Syria a year ago it was a signal for the US to invade. I think the idea was to press for a total remake of the Middle East, forcing Jordan's relationship to the US to the limit and if all was successful, turn our sights on Iran. Some say Bush wanted Iraq from day one in office, then saw where it might take him once he had his military advisors show him the sims and stategies. Glad he didn't get totally mad with power, look where we'd be today. http://www.guardian.co.uk/Iraq/Story/0%2C2763%2C937105%2C00.html http://www.upi.com/view.cfm?StoryID=20030502-025522-6767r

Sci-fi with the really wicked shredder creature, right? Those were good books.

"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned." Isaiah 9:2 "And they did browse in prosperity and splendor unto the end of their days." Mozilla 3:18

Why would a true psychic read your future for $5 when they could just as easily win the lottery every time?

Imo, the best way to handle a superior at work who blames others for his mistakes is to state plainly to him/her that responsibility for the mistake is secondary to working as a team to fix the mistake. Emphasize that humans can't foresee every problem and are bound to create errors. Spending time assigning blame takes away from effort at fixing the problem. Do this and you give your boss a way of moving forward without actually taking the blame, you have not taken the blame on yourself, and you all may end up more productive. As long as you suffer no consequences by standing up to the boss when everyone knows who is to blame, the boss should feel this is a positive approach and go for it. Btw, don't expect this idiot to thank you for it. In all likelihood, he/she is going to make it seem like it was their idea.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed was to get to the airport so he could get himself home. He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex once we get there?" "What? Get the hell out of my cab!" said the driver. The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same results. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "OK", and off they went.

Which reminds me of this one: Three Viking ships, under cover of fog, pull into a sleepy English harbor in the middle of the night. The leader of the Viking raid climbs the mast of the lead ship to address his warriors. He yells out, "MEN?" They all reply, "YES, NOBLE BRODAR!" Brodar yells, "TONIGHT, WE RAID THE ENGLISH VILLAGE!" They all yell, "YEA!" Brodar yells, "WE'RE GONNA KILL ALL THE MEN..." They all yell, "YEA!" Brodar yells, "... AND WE'RE GONNA RAPE ALL THE WOMEN!" They all scream, "YEA!" Brodar yells, "AND MEN?" They all yell, "YES, NOBLE BRODAR?" Brodar screams, "TRY TO GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME!"

A man is caught sneaking into the harem of a powerful sultan. His manhood will be chopped off unless he can pass the three tests the sultan has devised. He is shown three tents. "In the first tent," the Sultan explains, "are twenty skins of wine. You must drink these and then proceed to the second tent, where there is a man-eating tiger. You must defeat the tiger and proceed to the third tent, where their waits for you the most insatiable woman in my harem. If, after all this, you can satisfy her sexually, you may leave a free man. Fail any of the tests and your manhood will be forfeit." At a signal from the great sultan, the man is released and rushes into the first tent. Half an hour later he stumbles out of the first tent and weaves his way to the second. A tremendous roaring and thrashing is heard. An hour after that the roaring and thrashing stops. The man walks slowly out of the second tent, his clothes in tatters and his flesh shredded and bleeding. He looks around a bit confused, and finally says, "Now... which way ish thish woman you wam me to fight?"

Bush cited a report by the International Atomic Energy Agency saying the Iraqis were "six months away from developing a weapon." This was a major factor in gaining support for the invasion. There was no such report. Lie. A year later, Condoleezza Rice told reporters that Iraq's nuclear weapon capability was more like five years away. When asked about the discrepancy, she said no one in the administration, to her knowledge, had ever said it was less than a year away. Lie. I know where that money belongs. I've seen the deficit figures. You're right. Bad tense, bad deal.http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn/A42445-2003Mar4?language=printer Again, you're right. But I also didn't think "urging" without results was a valid point either. Like most fathers, I dislike thinking of my daughter being sexually active before she's ready. Since there is no way I can monitor my daughter 24/7 once she gets past elementary school, I am raising her to be responsible for herself. Part of that responsibilty is knowing what is best for her own body. I know that forbidding her to have sex will simply drive her into the arms of the scuzziest doofus she can find (she's ornery that way, even at the age of 5). By teaching her to respect herself now, I hope I can trust her to make the right decisions then. I would love to think that the law regarding age of consent will be enough to deter her, but judging from what I hear from parents of teenagers, it will be a turbulent time that is best handled on a day to day basis, not by handing down the word from on high and hope that I will be obeyed. Did you wait until you were 18? Come on, you know the real issue here is calling it the Death Tax and pretending it's going to be good for everyone, especially farmers, who are the salt of the earth in most people's opinions. It's a snow job that was pushed on us to play on our sympathies. Like I said, it's a good thing. I hope that money goes a long way.

You are correct here, jordan. But a large part of my fear is what we'll realize about Bush ten years from now. At the time, Hitler and Stalin were looked up to, they seemed to provide answers to a troubled people, and their actions were considered bold and decisive. It sincerely frightens me that the same thing may be happening here in the US. I know what you're saying. Here? No way, land of the free, home of the brave, too many checks and balances. But the Patriot Act says that all the FBI needs to do to strip you of your rights is to link you in any way to terrorism. They could say that my outspokenness on this forum constituted a threat to national security and throw me in prison without benefit of legal council, as long as they can circumvent my citizenship by claiming I had something to do with terrorism. All it would take would be to run a crypto-program on the bulk of my posts and find one instance that equalled "Meet Osama 2nite" and they could claim I'm sending secret messages. Think it's funny? You'd never hear about it. That's the power of the Patriot Act.

With a bill that is so vague it has already been struck down at least twice. http://www.aclu.org/ReproductiveRights/ReproductiveRights.cfm?ID=4998&c=148 Which gave the best cuts to the top tax brackets, people who already get major breaks from deductions and the ability to hire the best lawyers and accountants. These tax breaks are part of the reason we are crippled economically and have such a huge deficit. Ah, I see. Lying about why we're at war is more honorable and dignified than lying about having an affair. I read that as ignoring the United Nations and conventions the rest of the world has recognized as peacekeeping efforts worldwide. The Corps is a wonderful organization but it falls short of being able to serve many underserved communities. And since unemployment and the economy have fallen so badly under Bush, medical coverage is needed by more people than ever who don't qualify for NHSC. Where have you been? Bush promised lower prescription prices to the elderly and their costs have gone up, while pharmaceutical companies have been given billions in incentives. Again, paid for with what money? These are extremely limited and extremely complicated. As a test it is acceptable, but full-scale implementation is questionable. Oh, don't even get me started. You would be appalled to know the truth of the freedoms you gave up when your representatives signed the Patriot Act. And by the way, we are less secure than ever because not only has his economic efforts left every government organization underfunded, his war in Iraq has increased terrorist activity and recruitment and insured that we will be targets for a very long time. The same way, as governor, he urged the Texas assembly to limit enrollment in the Children's Health Insurance Program? If they'd listened to him they would have been far under Federal guidelines, keeping an estimated 200,00-500,00 children from benefiting. Bush was so far outvoted on that he couldn't even use his veto power. Then he later bragged that Texas was signing up kids as fast as any other state. A partisan issue that interests me about this much. TV=log the Pacific Northwest/Drill for oil in wildlife refuges, Compassion=start 2 wars, Volunteerism=we have no money to pay you. I always find it amazing how Republicans want the government to stay out of their personal lives... until it comes to a religious argument like abortion. I have no answer for you on this one. I believe in personal choice when it comes to your own body, even if you're a teenager. First of all, it's the Estate Tax, and your estate is already exempt up to $3.5 million. Again, it only affects the very wealthy. This is an obvious attempt by the Baby Boomers to save even more tax money, something we're desperately in need of with Bush starting all these multi-billion dollar wars. This was "spun" as the Death tax so everyone would get out there and defend the wealthy, just like they are doing with Bush's tax cuts. This means squat. There are some people who benefit from the marriage rules, some who don't. Just like people who bitch about the extra taxes they pay when they nose into the next higher bracket. It happens. It's tough. Get over it. Again, nullified by what he's done to the economy. With his incentives to the rich and the mega-corporations, small business has a tougher time of making it than ever before in history. Ah, one of the next big business schemes, along with privatizing consumer debt and educational block grants. Just another moneymaker for folks who already have enough. Home businesses?! What are you going to do, sue yourself for repetitive motion injuries incurred in your home business? Perhaps I didn't understand you here. Perhaps your cut and paste job on this question was a bit too inclusive. Which makes me very interested to see what technicality Bush-buddy Ken Lay of Enron will be let off on. Which, again, after what he's done to the economy, only benefits the wealthiest individuals. You really need to do your research on this one. No one loses their farms to the estate tax. That was a political spin tactic used to make it seem like hard workers like farmers were getting ripped off. Completely untrue. http://www.ombwatch.org/npadv/estatetax/estatebackground.html Hey, a good thing! Let's see, $20 million divided by 50 states... I'm getting tired, so I'll acceed to these things. They sound like good deals. He pushed for this and then left it underfunded by $27 billion. Many children are being left behind. And is now scrambling to put forth his own inept version which allows major polluters to voluntarily reduce their emmissions. And that has worked how many times in the past? Another slap in the face of the world scientific community. Experts? We don't need no stinkin' experts! Yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaw! (for Sayonara³)

I am as baffeld in this as you are, jordan. To me, it's simply beyond belief. The only thing that can account for it is that people are getting a slanted, biased version of what is really happening. They listen to sound bytes that assure them things will be OK. They hear that we bombed a terrorist stronghold but fail to ask if the terrorists were even there. You have to remember that the real bad guys work in small groups, with lots of secrecy. They often don't know anyone outside their own cell. The really pathetic thing about terrorists is that Bush's tactics play right into their hands. They get funding from many people but their biggest funding happens when we waste billions in stupid, non-productive efforts to use bombs, planes and tanks against them. They've accomplished their terrorism already. They've got the whole country divided, bickering amongst ourselves instead of asking our leadership to stop doing things the same old way, hoping for different outcomes. Didn't Einstein define insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?

That's probably why Nicleodeon canceled Invader Zim after the first season. I haven't seen the second one yet! I'm so bummed. Why should a 47-year-old man have children unless he can use it as an excuse to watch the latest cartoons? j/k

http://bush-lies.blogspot.com/http://www.bushwatch.com/bushlies.htm http://www.house.gov/appropriations_democrats/caughtonfilm.htm http://www.bushlies.net/pages/1/ http://www.thenation.com/doc.mhtml?i=20031013&s=corn http://pearly-abraham.tripod.com/htmls/bushlies1.html http://www.tvnewslies.org/html/bush_lies.html And let me forestall your next objection, because we've all heard it here too many times to count. These sites ALL have an anti-Bush bias because they are pointing out the fact that he LIES to the world and the Americans he leads, half of whom are so trusting of the presidency that they can't see how badly he's mislead us. I was hoping you would ask for links so I didn't have to take up valuable time posting each of Bush's lies for you. Enjoy your reading. But I have this sneaking suspicion you're NOT going to read them at all. Because, quite frankly, they do not support your position. So you'll dismiss them as being from the "liberal" press. That's probably why you are so woefully misinformed.

Hello?! He knew about the CIA's doubts from the memos but told the public there were no doubts about the intelligence information. Bald-face lie.