Phi for All

It was delicious!

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a while, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will ya?"

"First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill." George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 19, 2003 It was a dark and stormy afternoon. Secret Service agents made sure that no one followed the President as he made his way into this secret stretch of swamp, part of the original marsh on top of which all of Washington DC sat. Dubya stopped at the edge of an oozy patch, careful not to get mud on his Manolo Blahnik shoes. His unkempt hair and wiry werewolf beard made him look like Tom Hanks in Castaway, only much more well-fed. A reeking haze hung over this section, with red maples covered in fetid streamers of moss and yuck from countless slimy DC denizens. Two hundred years of lies and broken promises hung like canned spinach from the fronds of plants that hadn't seen the sun in too long a time. Bush inhaled deeply of the reek and smiled. "Welcome to my neighborhood!" he chuckled. "Can you say 'miasma'? See, I know lots of big words." He giggled some more and then his face became serious as he stretched his hands out over the swamp. "Come to me!" he called in a low voice. "Come to me and aid me in this dark hour as you aided my father!" The dismal background noise of frogs and crickets and birdcalls hushed into silence like a bad capacitor electrolyte scandal. Slowly, inexorably, a mound of rotted, filthy mush rose from the murk to take on human shape, shrouded in her garb of garbage and oily muck, to stand before the President of the United States. Dubya smirked at her and said, "Advise me, Condoleezza." The Swamp Thing said, "What's up, Mr. President?" Dubya kicked at a root protruding from the ground and said irritably, "People are saying we should have heeded the pre-9/11 intelligence warnings. You didn't bury that Presidential Daily Briefing deep enough in my to-do list." Swamp Thing said, "I'll tell them no one predicted that they would try to use an airplane as a missile, a hijacked airplane as a missile. I'll tell them the PDB was too vague." Dubya said, "Yeah but all the contractors are in place now, I need to go to war with Iraq, that's where the money is! How do I get the people behind me?" Swamp Thing said, "I'll tell the people we all want very much to see this resolved in a peaceful way, while you work out the plans to invade.” "I got a couple of memos from the CIA saying Saddam doesn't have any nukes. Just some gas that Rumsfeld passed a while back. The nuclear material document from Africa was counterfeit." Swamp Thing said, "I'll tell the people no one in our circles knew that there were doubts and suspicions that this might be a forgery." Bush frowned and said, "What if the people find out we knew?" Swamp Thing said, "I'll tell them the CIA cleared the speech in its entirety." "And when the CIA brings up the memos?" Bush asked. Swamp thing shrugged her peaty shoulders. "I'll tell them we didn't read the memos entirely. It will be simple negligence, not misleading the nation into an untenable war." Dubya frowned for a moment longer, then broke into a smirk. "I didn't read the whole memo. They'll believe that. And even though I've already stated on at least two occasions that Saddam will have nukes within a year, you can just tell the people that I didn't say it was going to be NEXT year!" Bush's smirk fractured a bit more into a rare, full smile. He waded into the bog and embraced the oily, rotting creature in a Texas bear-hug, saying, "Swamp Thing, I think I LOVE you!" Next installment--The Monster's Ball

Trendy?! Is it trendy to want the president to stick by what he says he'll do? He was elected because he was a moderate cantidate, in his own words, and he's been anything but moderate. He says he's for education and then underfunds his own bills. He says he's for cleaner air and healthy forests and then destroys 50 years worth of legislation that has protected us from heavy over-industrialization. He pays no attention to advisors in areas in which he's weak. He stressed the need for America to act like a "humble nation" in foreign policy and then starts a war in Iraq that ws pointless. Afghanistan was retaliation, but Iraq is just pure greed. Now that he has committed us to the war in Iraq, we have far fewer choices in our future course of action. This is the oldest trick in the book. Unscrupulous plumbers and electricians use it like this: "Should be a piece of cake, Mr Jones, I'll rewire your whole house for $1000." A month later you hear, "Gosh Mr Jones, I don't know what the original installer was thinking, he really screwed things up badly. I had no idea it was this bad, how could I before I started? Its going to be another $5000 to get it right." By then he's got your house all torn up and it would cost you even more to fire him and bring in someone new. And the bastard knows that. It's what he's counting on. You should actually do some research on Kerry rather than just listening to the TV sound bytes politicians are forced to rely on theses days. Kerry has an energetic stand on new technology, medical research, economy and national security. I think all major party cantidates these days are in someone's pockets because they rely on heavy contributions to reach out to Americans who treat voting like some sort of football pool, but Kerry doesn't back the oil barons and I think they have had their time at the banquet table. Let's move on, people.

A woman went with her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions, your husband will die." "Be pleasant at all times. Make him three nutritious, home-cooked meals a day. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "So, what did the doctor say?" She glanced over at him sourly and replied, "He said you're gonna die."

Bush dodging the draft has been an issue since he ran in 2000. The press pointed it out because his records were mysteriously missing rom National Guard files. As opposed to his Texas driving record, which was merely locked away in daddy's sealed presidential library. The latest evidence, btw, scrounged from the records of one of Bush's COs in the Air National Guard, Lt. Col. Jerry Killian, now deceased, show notes referring to Bush getting a "sugar-coating" in a referral from another officer. His refusal to take a routine medical exam constituted violating a direct order, something that would have gotten a less well-connected guardsman courtmartialed. Bush has categorically stated that he did not use unfair influence to get a deferral, yet now the story comes out that former Texas House Speaker Ben Barnes helped Bush and the sons of other wealthy families get into the guard so they could avoid serving in Vietnam. Whoops! Another lie! Where are the Congressional hearings now? Someone call Ken Starr! On Aug. 1, 1972, Col. Killian issued an order that Bush "be suspended from flight status due to failure to perform to standards and failure to meet annual physical examination as ordered." He called for an investigation and that investigation was swept under the rug. In a further memo, Killian wrote "Subject: CYA" (cover your ass). All the documentation on the investigation which should have followed an order like that has been mysteriously lost.

*Sigh* Do you think the American Revolution was pointless? That started out with a bunch of misrepresented folks sitting around griping. If we all sat around thinking other people must know about the need for solutions and must be doing something about it, change and progress would never happen. Really? Your folks pulled out of the Mutual Fund market early enough not to be burned when Bush took over? Good for them, I wish I would have been more of a speculator instead of an investor. Again, please don't take offense, but are you thinking about your own future? Things may seem fine for you now but what happens when Social Security is not there for you? What happens when your children can't get a decent education because the education bill was underfunded in order to start another war? Unrestricted logging means you may not be able to take your kids camping in the forest some day, or your kid's kids may not get to see them. If we keep allowing higher levels of toxins into our environment, which generation of Refsmmat's is going to be hit the hardest? Do you hope your children and grandchildren will just sit back and bear injustice like good little consumers? I do hope you are thinking about them some of the time. Their future starts now.

The word you are searching for is prejudiced, having formed an opinion prior to actually dealing with someone or something. Racism is active discrimination based on a person's race. Btw, neither word is applicable in context of your argument. Re-read what atm has posted and you'll find he has not pre-judged your rifle.

All those smart people are the ones who were offering solutions to Bush that he has ignored. It's not up to me to find solutions, it's up to our elected officials. This one has proven that he is going to ignore the solutions provided and do what his "base" advises him to do. And that base just wants to make more money, they have none of my interests at heart. I'm airing my gripes so people will know there is a need for solutions, because some people seem to think everything is just great. No offense, but it must be nice to live with your parents. Write when you find work and move out and have to live in the world that Bush built.

JPL's website reports that impact was 193 mph, but they have hopes of obtaining uncontaminated material. It doesn't look like they've written it off quite yet.

Soggy Florida! Charley, Frances, now Ivan. You guys need a break!

The comic foil, scaled down to suit ten-year-old tastes, is not Hollywood's best artistic choice, but it seems to make them more money, unfortunately. Scenes We'd Like To See (Episode 3): Jar Jar impaled in a seated position on a Gungan Electropole while Vader practices with the Dark Side on Jar Jar's ears. "Meesa gonna DIE!"

The Olmecs revered the wheel as a representation of the sun & moon. They made children's toys using the wheel because kids were considered innocent, but they didn't use it to relieve their work burden. From what I remember, the old tiller system of steering wasn't changed until ships started getting bigger and the need for the helmsman to have a good view precluded him being close to the rudder. I think the first linkage steering systems were Chinese and Indian, copied by folks in the Mediterranean by the early 1700s. Eventually having handles on the wheel meant for better grip and a way to keep course by degrees. I think the Pacific Polynesians used boats that weren't big enough to need anything more than a tiller.

It all started with those #$&@ Ewoks! They were originally supposed to be Wookies but got changed to open up the kiddie market. Lucas went Disney.

A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?" A deathly silence comes over the bar. In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man pauses to think, and then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"

I see what you mean, but air across your face when you're hot and sweaty is going to feel good no matter what your state of mind.

We went from a wrist cuff to a whole suit?!? Since this is the limitation, how about a combination device, something that circulates water around the wrists to cool the blood, has fans that cool the water and fans that can direct air at your face (or anywhere else) as well? Takes care of the psychological and the pysiological at the same time. You would probably need one on each wrist and they would need to be at least 4" wide to accomodate all the stuff you're putting in there.

Make the water too cold and you've got condensation making you look worse than if you'd just sweat it out. What if you use the water in conjunction with the fan as an evaporative cooler? Circulate the water slowly across a mesh and blow air through that onto the arms to cool the blood?

Does it have to be the wrist? Is that so you can direct the fan where you need it? I ask becaue you might be able to use a bit of psychology in your design as well. It wouldn't be necessary to provide as much cooling if you provide an illusion of cooling where most people would feel the difference--on their head or face. Think about it; if you're sweating at a concert, where are you going to be most conscious of it, on your arm, your chest or on your face? In fact you'd probably use your arm to wipe the sweat from your face. If you had something people could wear around their necks that would cool the head and face and not look too weird, you might not need to cool the body.

Put me down for leaving it as it is or doing away with it altogether. Blike, the last thing you need is more complications. You're just going to get 2500 cooks in the kitchen, each with their own idea of how to do it right. Remember when Sayo came up with the Bubble scripting and everybody thought it was great but wanted to have him constantly adding new characters? They forgot to be grateful for something he took a lot of personal time to implement. If you change the ratings system, you'll please some temporarily until they want you to change it again. Thanks for your willingness to go the extra distance to make the site better, but it doesn't need it, imho.

And how long will it take you to get bored with the new one? Seriously, this should be the last thing on your minds. The rankings incite spam and chat, imo, instead of well-thought out posts. Remember Tesseract? Seven or eight million posts in three months, most off-topic, and where is he now? SFN has ways of dealing with trouble-makers. They vanish... without a trace.

"I think the American people, I hope the American, I don't think, let me, I hope the American people trust me." George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 18, 2002 It was a dark and stormy morning. For a brief moment the flashbulbs stopped their mesmeric strobing as everyone in the press conference sat stunned by the words that had stumbled out of the President's ever-present smirk. He had just announced that "for a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times." As the members of the press corps searched their minds for confirmation of having learned about WWII in school, one of the President's ringers in the audience switched subjects before anyone could recover. "Mr. President, what are your plans for education?" If anything, the smirk grew smirkier. Dubya said, "The public education system in America is one of the most important foundations of our democracy. After all, it is where children from all over America learn to be responsible citizens, and learn to have the skills necessary to take advantage of our fantastic opportunistic society." Pausing to sip from a glass of water, and feeling proud when none of it spilled from the side of his mouth he was smirking with, Dubya finally continued. "There's an old saying in Tennessee. I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee, that says, fool me once, shame on, shame on you. Fool me, you can't get fooled again." Briefly the smirk slipped as he grew slightly petulant. "I'm the commander, see, I don't need to explain, I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president. Thank you." As he turned to leave the dais, he bumped into Dick Cheney, who almost didn't get his hand out of the back of the President's jacket quick enough. The two of them strode down the hall in silence until they could slip into Cheney's office, safe from being overheard. The two of them doubled over with laughter and it was several minutes before either could speak coherently. Finally, Cheney said, "I almost soiled myself when you said you and Prime Minister Koizumi had talked about 'devaluation' instead of 'deflation'. That ought to send the yen tumbling!" Almost purple with laughter, Cheney poured himself a glass of fresh blood from the Waterford decanter on his desk and drained the glass dry before pouring another. Wiping a tear from his eye, Dubya finally straightened and walked to the window, which had a fake scene of the DC landscape pasted onto it so no sunlight could enter Cheney's office. He looked out over his empire, fake as it was, and said, "You know, by showing these schoolkids that you can be dumb as a stump and still be President of the United States, within two generations we should be able get away with anything! I pushed this 'No Child Left Behind' crap and now that we've got the bill pushed through, I'm gonna underfund it by $27 billion!" Cheney snorted blood out of his nose, then licked the drops where they had splashed onto the back of his hand. Setting his glass down and grabbing a tissue he told the President, "With the new 'Reality' TV trend Rupert is pushing, it'll only take one generation! Soon the entire American public will be the walking dead, zombies under our total control! I'm already working on throwing out their precious 'overtime' benefits. You watch, I'll put that through and they'll just say, 'Yes master!' I'll repeal the estate tax and tell them it's to protect the FARMS! I'm going to call it the 'Death Tax' so all those zombies will think it's hurting them! Mwa hahaha!" Cheney threw his arms skyward as ominous thunder growled around the White House. Bush continued to look out the fake window, perplexed that he couldn't see the lightining that had caused the thunder. He still smirked though, unaware that tonight was the full moon. Coarse hair had begun to sprout in small patches on Dubya's hands and feet, and the President's tongue hung slack from the side of his mouth while he panted and smirked. As he relieved himself in a corner of the office, Bush wondered idly if Cheney would mind if he chewed up one of the leather couch cushions. The thought made him smirk some more. Next installment--Where Will The Werewolf Strike?

What do George W. Bush, Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein have in common? English is their second language.

"Up to a point" seems to say to the listener that there is a strong possibility when in fact there is very, very little possibility, creating irony (an incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs).