Phi for All

A man goes on a safari and brings his dog along, but the dog runs off and gets lost. The dog comes upon a skeleton on the ground and he realizes they are jaguar bones. Just then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a jaguar stalking him. So the dog thinks real quick, loudly belches and says "Man, that sure was a tasty jaguar." So the jaguar backs off realizing he shouldn't mess with this dog. A monkey was in a tree and sees all this and thinks, "If I tell the jaguar what's up maybe he won't eat me." So he goes down to the jaguar and says "You've been had. He didn't eat that jaguar." The jaguar says "Well, see what I do to this dog." The monkey jumps on his back and the jaguar begins to stalk the dog again. The dog realizes what has happened so he thinks real quick and says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him out ten minutes ago to get me another jaguar!"

Two guys were taking college chemistry. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go upstate and party with some friends. They had a great time, but they overslept and didn't make it back to school until the morning of the exam. Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went upstate for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day to write the exam. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth five points. "Cool," they each thought, "this is going to be easy." They each did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 was: "Which tire?" (95 points).

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles! I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me puke for days. No gas." So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says. "Take this pill." The man asks "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?" he asks. "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

Here's a link that budullewraagh posted in the Why did you vote for Kerry thread in Politics. Along the same line, but it's a movie!

Haven't read it all, but I remember reading something about the Pentagon crash and how it couldn't have been a big jet because of the lack of damage from the wings. On the whole, I'm not really into conspiracy theories, but having been in business all my life, I know that people who make billions from war and death and troubled times would stoop to any level to keep peace from undermining their market base. And of course the sound byte "conspiracy theory" has been spun to be synonymous with "crackpot", which doesn't help matters.

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee!

Love Invader Zim! I watched the whole first season, squealy meat children!

Great one, RB! If I may... Great move, Einstein! Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat!!!

Keep haiku alive! It doesn't take too much time; your day will brighten!

Anything that causes the O2 in a room to drop to 16% will cause unconsciousness. Halon is commonly used as a fire suppressant because it removes O2 from the fire. Nitrous oxide could be used, but it is fairly weak unless concentrated. These two would be commercially available and a non-exotic type of gas that wouldn't require skin contact, only respiration. The ventilation system in a college pool would disperse concentrations of any gas fairly quickly if disabled for delivery and then restored. This is a viable scenario without requiring anything heavily restricted. The delivery method and concentration levels would be the tricky part. If O2 levels fall into the 10-15% range there is a danger of asphixiation but again that's a technical aspect of the delivery, not a property of the gas. *Edit* I just saw the last line in your scenario about people outside being affected. This changes everything. You are looking for some kind of nerve agent or exotic airborne type gas with staying power. The problem there is that most gasses that would have the knockout affect are meant to disperse people, make them leave the area or suffer. If they stay long enough, they die. And most gasses like that can't cover a huge area like a whole college campus in concentration. They also are not meant to knock you out, they are meant to cause blisters, lesions and intense pain. Sorry.

Here is a cat that flew in a plane with a coffin. Joking, sorry to go off topic but a friend just sent me this and I couldn't resist.

I found this link that may help but I don't understand why a sealed coffin would allow the dead body "animal scent" to leak out. I also doubt that every dog would "go mad" "for sure".

ExtraSense is in our audience tonight, sipping a pseudo-soda and trying to convince everyone he's smarter than NASA. That's him over there in the 3D glasses and the Napolean hat! ExtraSense is a man of vision, and that vision lets him see that Mars isn't covered with rocks, it's populated with mushrooms and pythons and lambs, oh my! He has the biggest thread in pseudo-science, filled with proof that has everyone shaking their heads. Roverboy has stood up to the finest minds at SFN and NASA and said, "They're not just rocks in MY head!" He wants to open the first Martian zoo, filled with stingrays and elephants and dinosaurs, and all proceeds from the sale of his 3D glasses will help get him off-planet, so be generous! ExtraSense, we keep wondering why your siblings PerfectSense and CommonSense are never around when you're posting?

I'm voting for Kerry for 4 reasons: 1. A return to Clinton-era economics (the best part of Clinton) 2. A bigger investment in skilled labor & high tech employment 3. A sounder approach to foreign relations 4. He's not Bush I favored Dennis Kucinich in the beginning because he has a much more "for the people" approach to government, something I feel is lacking in this country. Big business should be able to take care of itself, it's the common person who needs protection in the form of government oversight and standards for environment and business practices. I hate that it will be big business that gets any major party cantidate elected. Btw, here is a funny link for Anti-Bushies/Blairies.

My favorite part is the extra ten pills for FREE! (Plus ten dollars shipping and handling). After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper lectures him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?" The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies." The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse." The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" "Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that." "That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

Try to read them all (5 total, I think, not counting Salmon of Doubt, which is a compilation of tidbits stuck in his computer and edited after his death) before the movie comes out (it's the first time it's been a movie, btw; the BBC did it as a series many years back). I'm skeptical about the movie since so much of Douglas Adam's wit is in his fabulous wordsmithery. It's the stuff between the dialogue that will be missed the most.

Actually my cat was very active and never needed anything else to wear her claws down until she was about 15 years old (had her since she was a kitten). That's when she got a little more sedentary and started clawing things instead of turbo-ing around the house. Even when we kept her claws clipped short she took to tearing things to shreds whenever there was enough claw to cling. You can't watch them 24/7. Since now she doesn't leap more than two feet or cut 90 degree corners at 90kph anymore, we decided to have the front claws removed. She certainly doesn't seem to miss them and it seemed the best solution since we'd had her for so long but also couldn't afford to replace all the things she was tearing up. She has been an indoor cat for the last 8 years, since we lost another cat to a car.

In the spotlight tonight is NavajoEverclear, which is also the name of a cocktail here at the SFN Comedy Club, sort of a native American martini with an ear of corn instead of an olive. Unfortunately, NavEv comes from a broken home. His mom and dad are both slaughtering rat people who drifted apart after the disappointment of Navajo's birth. It seems this squealy meat child didn't share their vision of beady-eyed devastation, prefering chinese food and long walks on the beach. Forced to flee his beloved Blorch, NavEv hitched a ride with a passing Irkan and ended up running a Morman taco stand in the western US here on Earth. Oh, how the measly have fallen! He dreams of moving to Illinois and settling down with Dream Lord and raising a cheesy swarm of rabid rat children he can call his own. Oh, such tacos will he give!

Gir Stand-up featuring ExtraSense! Head... spinning... too... many... jokes!!

Only if the human is also clawing your whole house up as well. If you're doing something to make the cat scratch you, you shouldn't own a cat. If your cat likes to scratch you, you shouldn't own that cat. We had our cat declawed, but only the front paws, and not because she was scratching us. She was clawing furniture, hardwood floors, bedspreads, carpeting, you name it. Cats need their back claws for running (our vet doesn't even do rear declawing), but our cat seems happy now to just rub her front paws down whatever she wants now without getting yelled at. I agree with Dream Lord about spay/neutering. There are no shortage of cats out there.

You want praise for this? Sorry, I've come to seize a berry, not to praise it!

Lawyers make the best racquetball players; they can stoop lower than anybody! The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name. It's so cold this winter that I saw a lawyer walking down the street with his hands in his own pockets! The difference between a lawyer and a leech is that when you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off. The most effective hostages terrorists can take are lawyers; if the terrorist's demands aren't met, they release one every hour.

An engineer, a scientist, and a lawyer all went deer hunting for the first time. After two days of no luck they decided to split up. When they met back at camp that night, the engineer had bagged himself a deer. "It was really quite easy," he said when the other two asked him about it. "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and BLAM! I got the deer." The next day the scientist came back to camp dragging in his kill. "You were right," he told the engineer, "it was easy. I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and BLAM! I got the deer." The following evening the engineer and the scientist came back to camp, only to find the lawyer all beat up and bleeding. When they asked what happened, the lawyer told them, "I did just what you guys said to do. I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and BLAM! I got hit by a train!"

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The lawyer huffed angrily, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you." The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What's the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."