Phi for All

A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," said the bartender. "Good," replied the man. "I'll have a beer, and gimme a lawyer for my 'gator."

Yeah, I decided to use his bubble after I had written the sarcasm. Try me, the next one will be better. I kinda like using Cartman to swear like $%&* but I'm afraid people will take it personally.

Everyone's a critic! I'll try to remember some old Clinton jokes for Cap'n since he can't be bothered! 5614, I'm sorry the penis jokes were so offensive to you! I thought only Americans were uptight about their willies! I'll try real hard to remember all the humor criteria you've set forth. Thanks so much for your input on my efforts. I don't know what I would do without it. Perhaps in the future I should PM the two of you before posting. There's nothing funnier than humor by committee! DISMISSED!!!

Bush and Kerry went fishing. Kerry went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other. Later that day, Bush came back empty-handed and Kerry came back with fifteen. The next day Bush still didn't catch any and Kerry caught twenty-seven fish. So on the third day, Bush sent a CIA "contractor" to spy on Kerry. Bush didn't catch a thing and Kerry caught thirty-four fish that day. Bush furiously demands to know from the CIA if Kerry is cheating. "Yes," replied the spy, "he's putting holes in the ice."

Attorney General Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After the typical civics presentation, he announced, "All right, boys and girls, you can ask me questions now." A little boy named Bobby raised his hand and said, "Mr. Ashcroft, I have three questions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit American's civil liberties? And third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?" Just then the bell sounded and all the kids ran out to the playground. After lunch the kids were back in class and Attorney General Ashcroft said, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can ask me questions." A little girl raised her hand and said, "Mr. Ashcroft, I have five questions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit American's civil liberties? Third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet? Fourth, why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, where's Bobby?"

I love that one, aommaster! A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". The prosecuting attorney relentlessly badgered the man about how much force was used. Finally, when he was asked by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant stood up, approached the lawyer, punched him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him head-first over the table to crash into the audience section. He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."

If you think they're going to sell gas to you cheaply when you'll pay these prices then you understand nothing about a market economy where prices are controlled by a few immense corporations. Capitalism works best with competition. When a few own everything including the media (news and entertainment) and the politicians, they dictate what people are allowed to pay for goods and services.

Save your breath. We are warmongers once again who equate foreigners with computer game targets because we really couldn't ever actually have that peace thing those tree-huggers are always on about, could we? I mean, why get along with the rest of the world when we can just bomb them into submission? And if a few die, well, that just means fewer people who aren't like us. Big whoop. We are America, Right or... Else.

Who is more recognizable to teenagers:Ronald Reagan or Ronald McDonald? Moammar Gadhafi or Gandalf the Wizard? I hope I'm not being offensive, D, but are you repeating something you heard someone else say? Because I've combed the entire thread and I can't find anyone who used that as their sole basis for mistrusting Bush. Go back in history, oil is power, oil is big money. Warren Harding was from Ohio, not Idaho or Texas, and his Sec of the Interior was pulling slick oil deals without competitive bidding just like Haliburton and the Bush administration.

I do have some standards when it comes to humor, but I realize not everyone shares them, especially mothers. I think it's perfectly fine to mention anatomy as long as no one is doing anything overtly sexual with said anatomy. References to having had sex are very different from graphically describing it in situ. I prefer not to listen or post jokes that involve a lot of profanity. Very few jokes actually need it to be funny, unless it's one of those Dirty Johnny types that shock by having a small child using dirty words. Those get old real quick anyway. I will try keep my standards much more PG-13 from now on.

I LOVE IT, YT! And although the young man's name was Phi, I assume you're referring to me as the turkey! I get the message, no more penis jokes! It'll be hard on me, considering the stiff front erected by the other joke posters, but I'll try not to blow it.

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he beat the man almost unconscious and dragged him down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, fully conscious now and terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you???!?" The husband, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, handed the man the hacksaw and said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

How did she... find that out? Wait a minute, forget I asked. No, I mean it, I don't want to know. Seriously, don't post anymore about it.

Never let that be more more important than expressing yourself honestly.

You may think you're in over your head but I really respect the way you present yourself. I may not agree with your politics, but I wish I was as authoritative and well-spoken as you when I was your age. You care about something enough to voice your opinions instead of just hiding under a rock.

I don't recall a single Moore supporter here saying that the movie's truths are sacred. It is definitely a work that comes from a distinctive point of view. And if you watch Fox News or any of their editorial shows that supposedly give an unbiased version of today's events, then Moore's point of view is desperately needed.

I've read about those attack chihuahuas and they're very formidable.

Here's a link to a former discussion on the subject. You don't say what color the paper is. Be carefule whatever you use doesn't harm the paper or discolor it. Btw, might be a good idea to make a copy of this document.

I'd take the paper to your local library. They might have something they use to remove pen marks from books. How do we know you're not trying to change the recipient on a check, or improve a test score?

I would keep IE around just because there are some things that need it. Do you run Adblock with Firefox?

Jack had worked in a pickle factory for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. It was on his mind night and day. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Jack said he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Jack came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Jack?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you about my urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Jack, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Jack, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Jack. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh! She got fired, too."

Hey, MM14! We could use your sense of humor and stand-up timing over in the Official Jokes Section! Pretty funny stuff! Or did you think this was the Jokes section?

What a horrible way to wind down such a fantastic thread! No one asked you if we were off-topic atm; it was mentioned, which normally, with no other outside help, brings people back to the topic, or as close as we were after 10 pages. I noticed it was OK for the thread author to talk about individual rights a lot earlier on in the thread: All I was doing earlier was posting my opinions, appropriate to the line of the thread at that point. Posts in threads don't always adhere strictly to the exact questions first proposed. They'd stagnate pretty quickly if they did. They tend to germinate, they grow, they flower into discussions between people all over the world (and horrible botany metaphors--sorry). Your post about putting me Back. On. Topic. seemed like a personal attack, considering others in this thread have touched upon many subjects relevant but different from the original topic without you stepping in to correct them. You seem personally offended when someone explores a tangent to one of your ideas. I was going to PM you about this, but I wanted these statements, as well as my apology, to be made before the community. I always enjoy reading what you've written, atm, and I really do think this is one of the best threads in the Politics section. If I have taken your thread too far from its intended topic, if I have trivialized it by mentioning things like when to use caps as opposed to bold lettering or posted opinions that seemed too much like responses to other people's threads, if I have not meaningfully contributed to it in my 15 posts, then I am wholeheartedly sorry, and offer my apologies to the creator. And if you have a problem with me personally or with my style of posting, please PM me and we'll get it sorted out. I have often thought we share a love of humor which tempers and enhances our writing styles, but can come off rather sarcastic sometimes when posted. If that lies at the heart of this problem, if something I said in a different thread has you out of sorts with me, then I apologize for that as well. Life is too short to for you to spend your time annoyed at someone.