Phi for All

All work and no play is... ... not very funny. So enjoy AND contribute!

Joe Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Joe Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different! The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and damned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Joe Bob, "So, what you gonna do different this year?" Joe Bob says, "This year I'm takin' Earline with me."

It does not matter if at first you don't succeed, just try, try again. Women are like mud; Bare your soles and keep walking. You'll get some on you. Ladies! I don't mean you are filthy or dirty unless you like that...

This is George R. R. Martin. I agree, really top notch fantasy. I also like Terry Goodkind for fantasy. His first five or six books, starting with Wizard's First Rule, are fantastic. He starts to get repetitive, though, and he needs something to spice things up in the future of this series. As far as I know, he's only written for this one series, but it's a righteous read.

Newbie, have you seen Fahrenheit 9/11? If so, what was your opinion of it?

If you like Asimov, try the Foundation & the Robot series. Start with one of the trilogies (I think the Robots start with Caves of Steel), then read the other. Then there are books in between that bridge the two series. I may be in the minority here, but I loved the way he brought the two together.

Just be careful, alt! Older women like to bite you with their dentures.

I have a friend who took Northwest to London and hated the flight. They flew British Airways back because of plane problems with Northwest and said BA was the best flight experience they'd ever had. Roomy seats and the best service ever. I'd pony up the extra $ 'cause that's a loooong flight. Is there any way you can check to see when your passport will be ready? Admiral brings up a good point about Homeland Security. Don't fret about it, leave your nail clippers at home and try not to look too terroristy.

Well, Dave is on holiday, so I can let you in on his little secret. Dave is more than just a social animal, he's like a social T-Rex. Currently he has 217 girlfriends, and none of them knows about the others. Numbers are important to Dave, and he juggles these lovely ladies like an Enron accountant. He's not deceitful by nature, he just likes to... integrate. The girls all want to move in with him but cohabitation wouldn't be coefficient for Dave. Instead, he subtracts money from his trust fund to rent a four bedroom flat with an addition so he can multiply his nighttime endeavors without excessively dividing his attention. The flat is over a restaurant/cinema complex so Dave can date six or seven women in the same evening. How many girls do you think Dave took on a two week holiday? You do the math! His favorite pickup line is, "What's your sine? You have a well-defined set of binomials! I'm sufficiently large myself. Care to bracket and apply yourself to some index raising?"

Is everybody having fun? Is this a great show or what!? Be careful not to trip over Pomlom there, his feet are sticking out in the aisle. He may look dead but he's just jacked directly into his laptop so he can play Halo 2 all day. You're looking at the infamous M [)eadly, Scourge of the Battlefield, Vanquisher of the Covenant, and Drooler on Many T-shirts! We keep him fed intravenously on Red Bull and pre-chewed Doritos, but he's getting pretty anemic. We're working on a way to redirect the 1600 x 1200 graphics on his monitor into energetic photons so he'll get a tan while he's playing! Now there's a guy who's taken too many fuel-rod gunshots to the head!

Where's YT 2095? Probably on another mission in Her Majesty's Secret Service. Actually, his name is 00-2095 and he's one of MI-6's cheapest agents. Most of the best spy gadgets are taken since he's fairly far down the list of 00 operatives, so he's known as The Resourceful One. He doesn't drive an Aston Martin with a tricked out engine, he's got a Mini-Cooper with a hyperglycemic weasel on a hamster wheel. Back in 1995, he infiltrated Qadhafi's palace in Libya, garrotted the guards using his own hair and replaced the terrorist leader with a kinder, gentler, robotic version he cobbled together using a GameBoy, 2 packs of gum and a pair of toenail clippers. Using an old hatbox as a hat almost gave the whole thing away, but now it's Moammar's trademark. Cheers to you, mate, we all toast you with a vodka martini, super-sized, not shaken.

Remember when the GOP harrassed Clinton for 8 years and millions in taxpayer dollars? And all they could get him for was lying about an affair with an intern, in a witchhunt led by Newt Gingrich, who was having an affair with an even younger intern at the time. Oh, yeah, Moore's work is definitely a little payback for that!

That's known as the calm before the... uh... hurricane. You be careful. Remember, it's Friday the 13th!!!

Hey, hey, hey, it's my toughest competition, swansont! By day a mild mannered physicist making drinking fountains for the Naval Observatory, by night he tells jokes and gives lap dances at a local ladies club, the Stand Up & Shake It. The chicks dig it when ol' Tommy Testosterone starts working the pole up on that stage! Tell a joke, bump and grind, baby! He keeps 'em laughing and drooling until the wee hours, and it's a rare night when the stage isn't covered in hotel room keys, thrown by visiting Victoria's Secret executives and Mary Kay conventioneers. What's the secret to a great lap dance? Physics, baby! To quote Mr. T, "Spin is quantized and angular momentum is conserved. I think that you need both properties in order to entangle." Stop it, my nipples are getting hard!

Hey, everybody, say hello to Lance! Lance Allot, our good friend the chemical engineer. Lance may look young but he had his very own company selling liquid magnets. Most engineers aren't very smooth with the ladies and tend to talk to their shoes allot. Lance just slips some ferrofluids in a girl's drink so the fillings in her teeth will bond with his. Voila! Instant kiss! He calls it ferro-frenching, but we just call it FUN! He's currently building a Tesla coil to get rid of his latest girlfriend, who is apparently still attached to his lips. Conduct yourself like a gentleman, Lance!!

It's a gene mutation, but it's an alien one. Actually, it's a jean mutation 'cause it makes my pants bulge a little to make up something funny. And it's "thehorizoning". I know, I have to look that up allot.

Marriage provides a stable platform for raising children, among other things. Notice that as divorce becomes easier problems related to raising children become more prevalent. Marriage also means people don't just pick up and leave in a fit of anger. Divorce is becoming too easy, though. I think it should be harder to divorce rather than easier. Too many people bail on their commitments rather than work through the problems. As an analogy, in Germany it costs about $1400 to get your driver's license (the sound you hear is the jaws of the American readers dropping). In the US it's about $25. In Germany, there's no point system. If you abuse your driving priveleges, they take your license away. Another $1400, please. Germans are some of the most serious drivers I've ever shared the roads with. In the US, people drive like idiots because they get points taken away first, then your license is revoked. It's easier to get your license back so people don't respect the privelege of driving. My point is, if it were more difficult to do, people wouldn't use divorce as a crutch as often. Families would become more stable because people would learn to work through their differences.

You and bloodhound erred. Haiku is not for insults. It cleanses the mind.

5-10 minutes, depending on if I have to go back and look at some past posts or not. You guys are great material, 'cause I read a lot more than I post here at SFN. You all have much better educations and know a lot of science. I'm learning from you guys while I work AND I'm earning a degree at the SFN part-time University and Comedy Club.

Dr. Blike, I presume? Here's a guy we're all really proud of at SFN. Gonna be a doctor, and his first official medical act will be to surgically separate himself from his siamese twin! Yeah, must have been REAL hard passing the MCATs with TWO BRAINS! By the way, all my love to your sister, A-like. Actually, I hope he doesn't go into surgery. Surgeons THAT good-looking are dangerous! The nurses spend all their time looking at him and you wind up with half a tray of instruments sewn back up inside you! Seriously, he'll have to work hard, since he'll be giving 10% of his income to the church, 15% to the GOP, 30% to the IRS and 40% to the lawyer who handles his paternity suits!

Sayonara, Sayonara, Sayonara! Brain the size of a planet and he uses it to whip you silly over a technicality. No one is safe from his harassingly huge intellect. To him, HTML stands for Hurt Those Miserable Lickspittles! And I can't tell him to stuff it 'cause I'm not convinced he couldn't figure a way to vaporize me through my internet connection! Got the warmth of deep space in his heart, that one! Is it true that the sun shines on England when he leaves on holiday? So mean, so grumpy, so HORRIBLE! If compassion were methane, this guy couldn't work up an audible fart!

Looky here, yourdadonapogos... tick. Fat-fingered that Enter key a little early, didn't we? What is that name all about? Some variant on the Yo Mama jokes? Your dad is so bouncy... it's just not funny. So how many threads have you attacked today, posting poster-child? We're on to your whole alien vampire persona, by the way. Have you been outside today or does the Mother Ship have broadband hooked up to your coffin in the basement?

Hey, it's bloodhound! Not quite ready to meet the queen yet, are we? Mathematical genius, social vegetable. His idea of a good time is to go down to the pub, spit at the waitress, compute the arc of trajectory to fifteen decimal places, chug a Stella Artois and then smash the can against his forehead! Ooops, Stella only comes in bottles! Seriously, bloodhound is like an incontinent pitbull with a pedigree. You'd love to take him to the show and parade him around, but you're afraid he'd either attack someone or crap on everything!

Look, there's 5614! That's the number on his shirt in prison. He's in the London Asylum for the Criminally Electronic. He's a genius, but they caught him trying to order detonator caps on Ebay! He tried to convince Scotland Yard that the little farm animals he'd sculpted out of C4 were for art class! Ironically, 5614 is the year he'll be up for parole!