Phi for All

A pint of Adenosine Triphosphate is 80 pence, we get it already, but does that make the rest of the jokes "abhorrant"?

A man meets a pirate in a bar and buys him a drink. He sees that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The man asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks, and one of 'em bit my leg off." "Ouch!" said the man. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding a rival pirate ship and were battling the other pirates with swords, and one of 'em cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the man. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the man asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

Write to them and apply for the job. One of the things that scares me is that if he is executed that the US, bloodthirsty capitalists that we are, would want it televised worldwide. Opinions?

Now that's what I'm talkin' about! There's only so much funny in a doorbell.

July 6, 1946, New Haven, CT--George and Barbara Bush have found themselves at the center of a scientific controversy. The Navy pilot and the Smith College dropout have no idea how their newborn infant could possibly have turned out to be a completely non-human species. Scientists examining the newborn, tentatively named "Curious George" after a popular children's book character, are hesitant to point to father George's many multi-G jet maneuvers and mother Barbara's glue-sniffing addiction, but aren't ready to rule them out either. George Jr will remain under observation at the newly formed Secret Haliburton Infant Testing facility to find out if this poor idiot child can be put to productive use in modern society.

Poll shows 9 out of 10 viewers disgusted with "Reality" shows. US colleges to start placing less emphasis on sports and more on education. Voting apparatus for US presidential election this fall deemed 100% reliable. Cell phone use while driving improves reflexes. Haliburton announces non-fossil fuel research to take precedence. General Electric posts cheap cold fusion plans on Internet. Mel Gibson to star in "Spawn". McDonald's drops fries in favor of organic carrot sticks.

Do you have access to a recordable chip? I know they make them small enough to put inside teddy bears and you can record multiple times on them. If you could hook one up to a decent sized speaker you could have all sorts of portable fun!

Solar-powered flashlight? Stupidity Detector? A portable button that makes a big, negative, wrong-answer-on-a-game-show "Ehhhhhhh!" sound when you push it? Fake cell phone that rings so poor folks can act important? Dual portable doorbells with plastic flip-covers that require two people to push them simultaneously in order to ring them (like nuclear missiles)? I get royalties, right?

Here's a tip: CHUNKING--After you read a chunk of info (start small, get bigger), stop and say it back to yourself in your own words, make it yours, have it make sense to you. Then read the chunk back in their words, with your words as the subtext. You will be relating your understanding to what you read, making it more important to you, therefore more memorable. Keep doing this and eventually you'll be running the subtext (your words) right alongside what you read and you won't have to keep going back. Example for the above paragraph: Read a sentence, then read it the way I would say it, then read it again, thinking about my way of saying it. Practise and it'll get easier.

Yo! Science Forum’s where Mods scream for ‘em all to stop that whorin’ and use their brain! YT’s got it right for Whiteys down and tight, his Bunsen’s burnin’ bright, he’s drinkin’ grain! (Say Yo! Sayo!) Administrate till late, cuts the trolls for bait, he can barely wait to call you out! You B-like the man, gots the sunny tan, school no fool’s the plan, he’s no Boy Scout! Dave can calculate, four plus four is eight, Cookie Monster’s great, say what’s your sine? Glider’s in yo’ head, ‘cause Sigmund Freud is dead, he’s Jung in every thread, his posting’s fine. Cap’n broke it down, ain’t from spammy town, he frown on every clown, an’ he’s no fool. So listen up y’all, kick it down the hall, SciFo’s got it all, so STAY IN SCHOOL!

A man seeking shelter from the rain one night finds a tall tower where an elderly Chinese man and his beautiful daughter live. The old man agrees to let the man spend the night in the top room of the tower as long as he doesn't try to fool around with the old man's daughter. He warns the man, "I will invoke upon you the Three Curses of the Rock if you touch her." The man agrees, but after seeing the beautiful daughter, he forgets about the Curses. After the old man has gone to bed he sneaks down and seduces the beautiful young woman. The next morning he wakes up to find a rock on his chest which weighs about twenty-five pounds. A note on top of the rock reads, "Curse #1: Rock on chest." The man chuckles to himself and thinks, "No big deal, I can lift this rock easily." He lifts the rock and walks with it over to the tower window and heaves the rock out. He sees, however, that the rock had some ink on it and has left a message imprinted on his right hand which reads, "Curse #2: Rock tied to right testicle." In horror, the man looks over the window sill to see the rock plummeting down to the ground trailing a stout string behind it. He quickly figures he could survive the fall from the tower so, placing his left hand on the window sill, he vaults out the window, hoping to keep the string from tightening. As he's falling he sees that ink from the window sill has left a message on his left hand that reads, "Curse #3: Left testicle tied to bedpost."

I recently had a big family reunion and heard a ton of them. Plus I'm twenty years older than most of you so you've never heard some of the "golden oldies" I was laughing at when I was your age.

A man walks into a supermarket and buys a toothbrush, a tube of toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a pint of milk, and a single serving frozen dinner. The woman at the checkout looks at him and says, "Single, are you?" The man replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess, genius?" She replies, "Because you're ugly."

Albino Turnip Peelers?Always Test Promptly? Atlantic Treaty Procrastinators? Albatross Testicle Parts?

About the ATP button in the airplane loo? If not, don't stand on ceremony...

My nephew told a version of this the other night at a party, using a Scottish accent and saying "...but did they call me Haggis the Wall-Builder? Nooooooo." But he ended with, "...but screw a goat...." He had everyone in stitches with the accent but I told him later the punch was too short and it would be funnier with the ending I heard on SFN, "But hav sex with joost one GOOT...."

A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms. “Yes we do,” he says. “Would you like to buy some?” “No,” she replies. “But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?” Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.” “I know the feeling,” the other says, winking. “No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re pinching my testicles.”

Do you refresh your pages often or do you respond using emial notification? If you click on the notification links, are you getting TWO windows at the same time? And btw, facing north makes your nose stuffy and if you use a white t-shirt instead of a Kleenex it'll turn it grey.

LOOOOOOVE IT! Do you still beat your children? Has that syphilis cleared up yet?

I tried reinstalling and it still wouldn't let me get those other browsing add-ons. I found the All-in-One Mouse Gestures & Adblock extensions at another link and installed them. Tasty. I went cruising all over the web and didn't even pick up the online casino ads that usually latch on to me like a Vegas hooker on a guy in Gucci. Thanks you guys.

Several times in the last few weeks I have tried to respond to email notifications re threads I have subscribed to and found there is either no thread to follow or the thread is missing several posts. Today it happened again at 7:54 am MDT re the thread "Odd Things Are Happening" (which is about these very instances). The thread is completely gone, as are several others. I checked "The Official Jokes Section" thread and the last joke posted is for 6-9-04 at 4:46 am MDT. Also, when I open a thread from the link in my email notification it opens TWO windows. This may be a function of Firefox, which I just switched to from IE, but it doesn’t happen from any other links. I finally have gotten on at 1pm MDT to post this. I also posted this with the Webmaster.

I don't have Adblock under Tools. On install it wouldn't let me check "Additional Browsing Enhancements" (it was ghosted and unchecked). Did my download go wrong or did they make Adblock integral to the browser?

Demosthenes just started a "Scary Stories" thread. You should post this there!