Spiderman

I don't care, i've gotten more help from people without degrees than those with. what tests have you been subject to? MRI/Cat scan/Psychological ones When I say, I am not conscious of it, I mean, i'm just not aware of why I am doing it, and why it is a pertinent aspect of my life. Why exactly am I spending $100 on legally club drugs/raver drugs made in New Zealand? Then after i've used them, and look at the wrapper, I notice a main ingrediant is... Phenylethylamine. I never knew this when I purchased them, I just had a desire to "get high" I didn't realize, that I may be trying to balance my brains biochemistry. Exactly. No they were different. Nah you're right. Everyone changes I guess, and i'm sure psychosis would do that to a person. Yes. Too hard to explain in words.... i I don't think it's a physical thing, just a genetic thing, I don't know enough about genes, but it feels like there is something inside my DNA that was unlocked by the Cannabis smoking. The only way for it to function is by feeding off the adrenaline and dopamine. It maybe more than that. Im not sure. No doubt, but people say wierd stuff, like "Spiderman, you are really charismatic." Ummm... No i'm not? Maybe it's just because i'm on meds. The great thing about weed and alcohol is, you "come down" from the high... You don't come down from the high from psychiatric medication untill you come off of it. And you're just thinking... "Whoa... who was that person on meds? Was that me? I was acting like a completely different person for 6 months!." It's just wierd, I have different skills when i'm on meds. YES! They were different on a more emotional level. One of the entities had absolutly no emotion. It didn't care about anything. It was like I could sense his plan, and it was devoid of anything related to compassion. No, when one entity was in control, the other one dissapeared. It was as if, one was trying to prove his "case" to me while the other tried to disprove the other. My memory is too vague about the event, one thing I do remember, is that, they both wanted to control me for their personal gain. They both had plans. They both had desires. They were both trying to plant them inside of me. It feels like, their seeds or whatever, are only now starting to sprout... (In my spare time, i'm designing clothing, which is an idea I got when I was going crazy...) Definitely, I clearly remember one of them, asking through me, something like... "The other entity is a liar, I am the one telling you the truth." Then it gave me like a riddle about liars... "Theres two people, one can only lie, while the other can only tell you the truth... How do you tell which one is which?" Well, some riddle like that. One was trying to disprove the other. Wierd stuff. All I can say is, it did not feel like what most people describe as psychosis. This was something different, and I was just lumped into the psychosis category. I realized the suicidal part, was because when I was hospitalized and doped up, my psychiatric notes said "Spiderman is experiencing visual hallucinations that are driving him towards suicide... They seem to be subsiding with medications." I don't remember the first week in the hospital, all I know is, that in the notes, even on meds, I was seeing things trying to kill me. Thanks dude, your questions have already helped me understand more about myself and my experience. Keep em coming.

Alright, I need some intelligent people to help me understand what's wrong with me. I'm 22 years old and have been suffering from "mental illness" probably most of my life. It was in 2003 that I experienced full blown psychosis due to Cannabis (marijuana) use. I think, that me using Cannabis was just me self medicating, and the psychosis I experienced, I would have experienced later in life, regardless of the use of marijuana or not. Anyways, the psychosis was an intense experience. It felt like, two entities invaded my body/mind/spirit. The two entities looked like they were fighting to control my mind and actions. Numerous times, I would use my computer (notepad) and I could see the entities typing through me. While one would type a message, the other would erase it. I had absolutly no conscious control over my body. I came to realize that one of the entities tried to trick me into commiting suicide. It typed out a message: "Consider killing yourself, you may be harvesting an alien in your stomach, and the only way to live, is to die. Who do you want to believe, yourself or your government?" At the time, I really believed it. I really did think there was an alien inside of me. It was weird. It felt so real, that I actually went to grab a pair of scissors and was really about to kill myself. Most of the few days of craziness revolved around visions, I was receiving visions, past memories were brought up, it felt like I had knowledge of everything that has ever happened in the universe and all that will happen. It also felt like there was no past, present or future. I also felt like I was god. I also believed I was god. Things took a turn for the worse, and I was invariably locked up in the Psychiatric ward and drugged up. My family and friends were freaked out. Ever since 2003, I have never been the same. It feels like, whatever invaded me, or was released, is still inside of me, running in the background of my mind like a computer virus. Since 2003, I have been admitted to the Psychiatric ward mostly on my own accord when I feel like I am losing my mind. The psychiatric ward does not help me. The medications work alright, but there are crazy people inside, that always feed into my delusions, even if I haven't spoken to them. My doctors basically tell me, I suffer from Schizophrenia, then they tell me i'm Bipolar, then they say i'm Schizo-Affective, then they say my problems are related to my upbringing, then they say delusions of grandeur etc. I honestly don't buy this at all. It feels like there is a parasite like entity attached to me. It seems to be feeding off my adrenaline or dopamine. I know my problem is somehow related to Dopamine, because when I am on anti-psychotics, like Haldol or Seroquel, I am a completely different person. But unfortunatly, when I am on Haldol or Seroquel, I will basically go out seeking things that will boost my dopamine levels. I will "fall in love" too easily. I will have a chip on my shoulder and start a fight with someone for some superficial reason. I might even seek out drugs or sex like a dope fiend. Antipsychotics don't let me have sex either, they inhibit something when it comes to sex, like semen production or something. When i'm off medication, I am basically paralyzed, listless, bored, lethargic. I feel like a heroin addict. The days, hours, minutes just breeze by. I'll eat more than I need to. I'll find ways to stimulate myself that don't take much effort, driving fast, drinking, strip clubs etc. Neither of these personalities are me. I am not the person I am when I am on Meds. I am also not the person I am when I am off-meds. It feels like I am stuck in a catch 22. I have no idea what to do. I have spent years seeking answers to my problems, and this story is the only thing that makes sense to me... It is a quote from the spiderman comic series. Yeah, I know it's a comic book, but it totally relates to me... Yeah, I know, it's a comic book. But it's exactly what life feels like to me. There is something that is raising my dopamine levels. Plus, when I am taking medication, I really do eat chocolate and do drugs that contain phenylethylamine. I am never conscious of what I am doing on meds. If I am on meds, I don't even consciously understand why I feel like trying a street drug that contains phenylethylamine. I just do it. Without even thinking of the long term or short term reprecussions. I feel like a pregnant woman who wants to eat dirt or brocolli because of the certain minerals or what not inside of it. What do you guys think my problem is? Am I just genetically predisposed to mental illness? Is it my environment thats causing my craziness? Is it a parasite that science hasn't studied that is just using my body and mind for it's personal goals? Help!