This may come across as a pseudo intellectual rant, I wouldn't know. In any case, I'm not looking for pseudo intellectual answers. I just spent some time trying to be honest with myself, and I need to communicate these ideas to other people. I came to the science forums because I'm looking for studious, hardworking people. Physicists, doctors, engineers, I am jealous of you.
I’ve slowed my behavior to a halt. I’ve stopped my life in its tracks and I proceedthrough each day focusing on very few ideas. It’s because I am slowly starting to realize that my will is not leadingme in any path. I am stuck. And scared of the content I feel in myidleness. Should I not labor my mindwith details of the dense technical matrix of the biological universe? How do great minds balance work andleisure? Am I not capable of theirglory? Would I destroy myself inattempting to be great? I fear doing toolittle and wasting the circumstances of this privileged young man that fortunehas thrown together. I feel as though there are millions of peoplestruggling for food and shelter, flowing with vitality, who have the purity ofself, and the discipline to do what I find myself unable to. Here I find myself with no guidance. A lowly amalgam of stardust amid this chaoticuniverse, and there is no guidance for where to go, what to think, what todo. No one can answer life’s meaning andso how can I value one lived life against another. We all share the equal experience ofconsciousness, but who can tell you what to do with it? I am lost with what to do with myconsciousness. There is so much to knowand do, and I feel as though I waste my short time by not laboring for hoursevery day for the benefit of biology, philosophy, or music. The potential for what I could achieve inthose areas. And yet what will Imiss? Will I lose my sense of self bysacrificing it in the name of work?
