Pangloss

Overheard on a political talk show this morning: George Will: "We're in the mess, in a way, because Justice Blackmun, when he wrote the opinion in Roe vs. Wade, discovered something constitutionally and morally profound in the fact that the number of months in the gestation of the human infant is nine, and that's divisible by three. So we wound up with "first trimester," "second trimester," and "third trimester," with different rights of the state and the individual. Let me ask you a question: What would our constitutional law look like if the number of months in the gestation of a human infant were a prime number?" Sam Donaldson: "What's a prime number?"

"Small" consolation for those whose jobs were outsourced to India: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/6161691.stm

Post-Purchase Deity Evaluation Form

From Saturday Night Live: "Nancy Pelosi, the likely Speaker of the House, had lunch at the White House Thursday with President Bush. Though, just to rub things in, she left early to have an abortion."

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54918

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas 10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows) 9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights) 8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores 7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials" 6. Family coming to stay with you 5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling 4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities 3. Days off from work 2. Candles And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ... At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

How many Starfleet Engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. If you run a phased inverse tachyon burst through the main emitter array grid and multiplex it with a subspace standing wave locked back into a diagnostic mode filter, you'll bleed off most of the static warpfield instabilities through the higher verteron harmonics of the dechyon field and get at least another 60 Watts out of the old one.

Jay Leno: "Scientists now say that Mars may be experiencing global warming. I mean, is that even possible? We only have two vehicles up there...."

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul " After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle - Paul" "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now" *** Brief Pause *** "Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway" "Okay Daddy, just a minute" A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy" "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "OH, my Hell. What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 486 - 5731?

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

An actor, a daytime talk show host, and an activist all get together to discuss "one of the most important issues facing all of humanity."

"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?" - Stephen Wright

So, thanks to legions of readers looking for a chief justice who can roll with the punches, here are the 13 Most Surprising Off-the-Wall Questions for John Roberts: 13. If you were stuck on an island at sea and had to choose one reality TV star to be your only companion, who would it be and why? And which one condiment would you take with you? 12. Follow-up question: You are trapped alone on a deserted island. What five amendments do you take with you? 11. Who is your least-favorite philosopher, and why? 10. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? 9. Who do you like better, Lynyrd Skynyrd or the Allman Brothers? 8. Have you read On the Origin of Species? Explain the bit about the sexual relations of barnacles. 7. If a person could travel back in time to the 1940s and prevent a political enemy's parents from meeting (and thus prevent the enemy from existing), who would have claim to bring suit against the time traveler, and which decade would have jurisdiction? 6. What's your strategy for solving Sunday's Su Do Ku in the Washington Post? 5. Why shouldn't the ground be able to cause a fumble in football? 4. What changes would you recommend to the motion picture rating system? 3. If you and five other friends were going to dress up as the Village People for Halloween, which Village Person would you want to be? 2. If you had to cast a vote to end either pornography or abortion, but not both, which would you choose? 1. Which Rice Krispies mascot would make the best Chief Justice: Snap, Crackle, or Pop? http://www.slate.com/id/2126134/

16 Reasons Why God Never Received Tenure at the University Author Unknown 1. He had only one major publication 2. And it was in Hebrew 3. And it had no references 4. And it was not published in a refereed journal 5. And some even doubted that He wrote it Himself. 6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate His results. 9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects. 10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects. 11. When subjects did not behave as predicted, He often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class: He just told students to read the book. 13. He has his son teach the class. 14. He expelled His first two students for learning too much. 15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests. 16. His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountain top."

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The main man in China! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars.

I thought folks here might find this quote amusing, given our recent discussion on the straw man fallacy: "You are a pyromaniac in a field of straw men!" George Will said that to Katrina vanden Heuvel of The Nation this morning on "This Week". Vanden Heuvel was sitting right next to him at the time, waxing on about the hypocrisy of the far right on the subject of stem cell research. When I realized what he said I 'bout fell out of my chair.

That's a nice list. We should sticky it somewhere.

There were no witnesses today in the Michael Jackson trial. Apparently they all had a big spelling test. (Jey Leno)

18 things learned from the Schiavo case: 1) Jeb Bush, George W. Bush, and Tom Delay are all world renowned neurologists. 2) 22 successive court battles that all ended in exactly the same way means there is something wrong with the courts, not the Schindler's case. 3) Mike Schiavo is after money which is why he turned down 1 million dollars and 10 million dollars to sign over guardianship. 4) Congress and the State Legislature of Florida has nothing better to do than pry into the private medical affairs of others. 5) Pulling life support is bad in Florida when authorized by the legal next-of-kin, but pulling life support is good in Texas when you run out of money and the mother pleads not to pull the plug on her baby. 6) Medical diagnoses are best performed by watching highly editted videotape made by Randall Terry rather than in person by trained physicians. 7) Minimum wage making nursing assistants are more qualified to diagnose a persistant vegetative state than experienced neurologists. 8) Cerebral spinal fluid is a magical potion that can mimic the entire functions of a missing cerebral cortex. 9) 15 years in the same persistant state is not really enough time to make an accurate diagnosis. 10) A feeding tube that infuses yellow nutritional goop is not really "life support". 11) Jesus was wrong when he said that a man and woman should leave their parents and cleave only to each other. 12) Marriage is the most sacred of all unions, except when it isn't. 13) Interfering in a family's private tragedy is a great reason to cut short a vacation, but getting a memo that warns a known terrorist is determined to strike inside the US is cause to relax and finish up some R&R. 14) Pro-lifers are really compassionate people which is why they are hoping that Michael Schiavo dies a horrible painful death. 15) The Supreme Court of the United States and the State Supreme Court of Florida mean "Maybe" when they are saying "No!". 16) Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is a bleeding heart liberal. 17) 7 Supreme Court Justices were appointed by republican presidents, so it's Clinton's fault. 18) A judge who makes rulings based on the law is obviously an atheist, liberal, democratic activist even though he is a conservative, republican, Southern Baptist

ZAP! You have been scienced!

Saw a cool movie over the weekend. It was called "Bud Santa"!

"Gas prices have been so high that Robert Blake and O.J. have been forced to carpool in their search for the real killers." -- Jay Leno

Up in the Air A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now, it's my fault."

(Talking about Mt. St. Helens.) "Scientists say that if the eruption lasts more than four hours, call your doctors. " - Jay Leno

Make your time!