joebloakes

Yesterday, I walked over to the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then I stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. I'd left my truck at home and I was wondering how I could carry all this stuff home when Lisa walked by. I said, "Hey, Lisa, can you help me home with this stuff?" Lisa suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" I said, "Why thank you very much! Can I walk you home?" She said sure and we started walking. On the way I said, "Let's take a short cut down this alley. We'll get you home quicker that way." She looked at me and said, "I'm a beautiful young woman and the alley is dark. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" I said, "Lisa! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" Lisa replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

A priest is hearing confessions and an old man comes into the confessional box. "Father." he begins in a wheezing voice, "I'm married over 50 years and I've never once looked at another woman. But recently, my wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I had to hire a night nurse to take care of her. Now Father, this nurse is very young and attractive, and she walks around in some very skimpy blouses. But, last night when we were both alone in the kitchen, I just couldn't control myself. I held her around her waist. Then I began kissing her. And the next thing I knew, I'm on the kitchen table making passionate love to this young girl while my poor wife is groaning on her sick bed upstairs". "Our Lord is a merciful God," the priest says, "Say 3 Hail Marys, repent and sin no more. Your sins are forgiven. Now, when was your last confession?" "I've never been to confession," the old man replies. "A good catholic and you've never been to confession?" "But I'm not a catholic," the old man explains. "You're not a catholic?" "No. I'm a jew." the old man says. "A JEW!!! So why are you telling me all of this for?" "I'm so excited, I'm telling everybody!"

Hi Carol, I noticed you've submitted CYA as "see ya/you/." I also know it to mean "Cover Your Ass", as in getting a signature on a document to prove that your action is authorized. So the jargon between business colleagues who might suspect that some office intrigue is brewing is, "Don't just take their word for it, make sure and get your CYA." I believe this acronym started at IBM. Joebloakes

A woman goes to her parish priest after mass one Sunday with a problem. "Father, I've just bought this parrot but I had no idea that her previous owner was a hooker. She repeats all those awful things she heard in the brothel. Oh, it's so embarrassing when I have guests." "Oh, you don't have a problem, my child," says the priest, "You see, I also have 2 parrots, Mike and Paddy. But they're always reciting the Our Father and the Hail Mary with their rosaries because they've heard me praying at mass, So why let your parrot stay with Mike and Paddy for a while? I'm sure that in a few weeks, she too will be praying like them." So the woman brings over the parrot, Mike and Paddy are huddled in a corner reciting the rosary. "Hi guys!" squawks the parrot as she enters the cage, "My name is Polly and I'm a hooker. Do you guys want to have some fun?" Mike opens his eyes wide then turns to Paddy, "You can put away those rosary beads now, Paddy. Our prayers have been answered!"

The 2nd grade class has a new math teacher. He starts by giving them a simple math problem to assess their reasoning ability. "Ok boys and girls," he says, "A train is leaving New York for Chicago at 8 in the morning and is travelling at 40 miles per hour. One hour later, another train in the opposite direction, is leaving Chicago for New York but is travelling at 60 miles per hour. Now, from what I have just told you, can you tell me how old I am?" The class all look at him with blank stares on their little faces. "Come on, kids," he says after some minutes of deafening silence, "One of you can surely work out what's my age." "You're 44," squeaks a small voice from the back of the class. It's little Tommy. "That's correct," the teacher says, "Now, can you tell the class how you knew that I'm 44?" "Well sir," explains Tommy, "I have an elder brother who is 22 and he is half-crack. Therefore, you have to be 44!"

In case you're wondering how Eratosthenes measured the circumference of the world, this diagram might help. circumference ot world.pdf

I'm voting for Eratosthenes, the Greek scholar (circa 276 -195 BC) who measured the circumference of the world by observing the angle of the shadow cast by a vertical stick at noon, and applying Euclid's theorem of equal angles formed by a straight line intersecting two parallel lines. This angle was measured on a particular day in Alexandria which was about 5,000 stades directly north of Syene (now called Aswan). A stade is the length of a Greek stadium. Now, on that sunny day, while there was a shadow in Alexandria at noon, a strange phenomenon was taking place down in Syene. There were absolutely no shadows. Poor Eratosthenes, no one ever told him about winter and summer solstices. But solstice or no solstice, Eratosthenes surmised, from empirical observations, that this phenomenon was because the surface of the earth was curved. Therefore he reasoned that if the rays from the sun striking two vertical sticks, one at Alexandria and the other at Syrene, are parallel; then according to Euclid's theorem, the angle of the shadow at Alexandria must be identical to the angle where the imaginary lines of the two sticks on the surface of the earth meet. In a flash, Eratosthenes has deflated the rubbish of a flat earth being held up on the aching shoulders of Atlas and has pin-pointed the centre of the earth having no hi-tech instruments. And by simple 6-grade arithmetic, he calculates the angle of the shadow at Alexandria with the known distance (5,000 stades) from Syene where there is no shadow, and completes it to make a full 360 degrees circle. The postscript is, the actual circumference of the earth is 24,900 miles and Eratosthenes, with his crude calculation is within a few percentage off. Hey, let's give this guy a posthumous Nobel prize for the most elegant math equation ever!