It takes one too know one.

[dimreepr]

Only when we recognise our own failings, do we understand similar frailties in others.

My question, why, when we ALL understand ourselves and our failings very well, do we choose to judge others so harshly for having similar failings?

[Phi for All]

Because all my mistakes have good intent, whereas you seem to do these things with malice in mind. If I swerve over three lanes and cut you off, it's just because I didn't want to miss my highway exit, not because I'm an uncaring driver like you. If I drive erratically, it's more likely because there's a bee I'm trying to shoo out the window, whereas you're probably drunk. If I don't hold the door for you as we're both entering the store it's because I'm running late, whereas if you don't hold it for me you're probably just rude.

 

If I spell something differently, I'm being clever. You, on the other hand, purposely misspelled your title because you knew it would bug me. What an arsehole!

[zapatos]

[dimreepr]

Because all my mistakes have good intent, whereas you seem to do these things with malice in mind. If I swerve over three lanes and cut you off, it's just because I didn't want to miss my highway exit, not because I'm an uncaring driver like you. If I drive erratically, it's more likely because there's a bee I'm trying to shoo out the window, whereas you're probably drunk. If I don't hold the door for you as we're both entering the store it's because I'm running late, whereas if you don't hold it for me you're probably just rude.

 

If I spell something differently, I'm being clever. You, on the other hand, purposely misspelled your title because you knew it would bug me. What an arsehole!

 

 

Yes, the temporary/imagined truth is a strong factor but hmmmm... is it really that benign?

[iNow]

George Carlin clip

Well played

[Phi for All]

Yes, the temporary/imagined truth is a strong factor but hmmmm... is it really that benign?

 

I don't think it's benign at all. I think we tend to see ourselves in the best light because we understand our own motivations best. Next is those you know well, who usually share much of your world and motivations, and you trust to be headed in more or less the same direction.

 

Everyone else is shades of unknown. If I don't recognize the voice of someone yelling outside my house late at night, the conclusions I reach will almost always be very different than if I do.

 

Have you ever made a negative judgement about someone's behavior before you realized you knew them? Like hearing someone speak way too loudly in public (and thinking what-a-jerk!), only to then recognize a neighbor (and suddenly change to thinking oh-that-Kevin!)? What really changed?

[StringJunky]

I don't think it's benign at all. I think we tend to see ourselves in the best light because we understand our own motivations best. Next is those you know well, who usually share much of your world and motivations, and you trust to be headed in more or less the same direction.

 

Everyone else is shades of unknown. If I don't recognize the voice of someone yelling outside my house late at night, the conclusions I reach will almost always be very different than if I do.

 

Have you ever made a negative judgement about someone's behavior before you realized you knew them? Like hearing someone speak way too loudly in public (and thinking what-a-jerk!), only to then recognize a neighbor (and suddenly change to thinking oh-that-Kevin!)? What really changed?

The glass is half-full with people you know and half-empty with those you don't because those you don't know are holding you back/getting in the way of your life.

[Phi for All]

The glass is half-full with people you know and half-empty with those you don't because those you don't know are holding you back/getting in the way of your life.

 

That's a great way of putting it. Acceptance into the pack was the way I've always thought about it. "You've been a consistent driver as long as I've been following you, but this guy coming up on my right is threatening to upset all that with his unknown driving ways, so I'm going to speed up so he can't come between us." Even brief membership in the pack endows you with lots of leeway in my book.

 

But it is more accurate to use the glass analogy. If I've observed you doing one thing I didn't approve of, you'll have a slightly harder time getting a favorable judgement from me. And for most people you don't know well (which seems to be the OP target), they hover at that half full/half empty status until you observe their behavior. It's up to each of us to figure out how much slack to cut everybody.

[dimreepr]

The glass is half-full with people you know and half-empty with those you don't because those you don't know are holding you back/getting in the way of your life.

 

That's a great way of putting it. Acceptance into the pack was the way I've always thought about it. "You've been a consistent driver as long as I've been following you, but this guy coming up on my right is threatening to upset all that with his unknown driving ways, so I'm going to speed up so he can't come between us." Even brief membership in the pack endows you with lots of leeway in my book.

 

But it is more accurate to use the glass analogy. If I've observed you doing one thing I didn't approve of, you'll have a slightly harder time getting a favorable judgement from me. And for most people you don't know well (which seems to be the OP target), they hover at that half full/half empty status until you observe their behavior. It's up to each of us to figure out how much slack to cut everybody.

 

 

Does the amount of slack you cut get in the way or show it?

By which I mean, does your own tolerance (of others) improve your life?

Edited February 15, 2017 by dimreepr

[StringJunky]

Does the amount of slack you cut get in the way or show it?

 

By which I mean, does your own tolerance (of others) improve your life?

I default to showing goodwill. I will let people pass, rather than push my way through, as a general principle. Where I live, people around me in the street or on the road are pretty congenial and generally show common courtesies like holding the door open or letting me cross the road if traffic's not going too fast. We can legally jaywalk in the UK, can't we, which the Americans can't, apparently. Yes, I think it does make life easier when you give and go with the flow. If you give out selfish karma that's what you will get in return and that magnifies when that is the national attitude.

[Phi for All]

Does the amount of slack you cut get in the way or show it?

By which I mean, does your own tolerance (of others) improve your life?

 

My comments so far have been about superficial judgements. When it comes to the need for tolerance, it always improves my life to be sure about my decisions, and being tolerant for long enough to form a reasonable judgement about a situation or person improves that surety.

[MigL]

I don't know...

Sometimes we cut more slack, and are more tolerant of total strangers, than family members or friends.

A slight by someone who is close to you hurts more than the same action by a stranger.

I know several families that haven't spoken to each other for years, because of something that they wouldn't give a second thought to, if done by a stranger.

 

Maybe its an Italian thing...

[Phi for All]

I don't know...

Sometimes we cut more slack, and are more tolerant of total strangers, than family members or friends.

A slight by someone who is close to you hurts more than the same action by a stranger.

I know several families that haven't spoken to each other for years, because of something that they wouldn't give a second thought to, if done by a stranger.

 

Maybe its an Italian thing...

 

I can see that. Criticism can seem more like judgement when it comes from close range. And those who know you should know better, right? They know the buttons to push, and sometime that's exactly what we think they're doing.