How do I come to terms with death?

[jcme11]

I believe that life is a long chain of chemical reactions. Therefore, when we die, the electrical impulses in our brains (and any other reactions occurring in our bodies) are converted into other forms of energy and are recycled back into the universe. I think death is something like a dreamless sleep. We close our eyes, everything goes black, and we simply cease to exist. I know it sounds depressing, but it's the scenario that makes the most logical sense to me. The part I am struggling with is how to come to terms with this idea of what death is. It upsets me to think about it because it makes me feel like we're living out our lives just to be forgotten. I know I will eventually lose everyone I care about to death, I just wish it wasn't such an abrupt and definite end. I don't want my theory to be the truth, but it's what I believe and I want to find a way to be okay with this.

In addition to coping methods and mind sets, I would love to discuss different theories and approaches.

Thanks,

x

[StringJunky]

That sounds about right as to our physical and mental destiny. Our demise is one of the great challenges of living and it can take decades to be at peace with it. It's one of those subjects that you need probably at least 30 years of living to start getting your head around it. Everybody has to find their own answers. I think the main goal to aim for is personal fulfillment because this helps to make you feel more complete as a person and if you get that far then there should be less feeling of things not done and any time left is a bonus. From a personal perspective, as fifty-something, I only want to go around the block so many times and i'll happily hang up my clogs.

Every day, your actions and words are affecting people, and sometimes modifying their behaviour for the better through knowing you. Those effects may be subliminal and each one small but the memory of your presence is embedded in their modified behaviour, so in that sense, looking at the bigger picture, your memory lives on. The energy redirected by your actions during your life still continues. You may ultimately  be forgotten by people but you will not be forgotten by the universe because the waves you created will ripple far into the future.

Edited July 30, 2017 by StringJunky

[Thorham]

I don't know what happens, and I'm not going to worry about it.

[Sizic]

StringJunky has said it for the most part, the universe is much more vast in both size and length then what is currently happening. If you're interested in a philosophical stand point on trying to understand the essence of living and life then looking into the works of Sartre and existentialism in general might be an idea. 

Edited July 30, 2017 by Sizic

[beecee]

I've got plans to live forever: So far I'm doing OK. 

[Evgenia]

There are several points i realized the end of bio existing is not the end of life itself.

One hundred years ago, the moment of death was registering when the heart stopped.After that we realized it's not the end. A lot of people are reanimated now after heart stop as we know how to do it.

Then we start to register the moment of death when the brain stop making signals. But some bio procedures at this moment continue. For example,our nails growth. We do not register some activity of brain,but still it is active for several days after.

For me it is a demonstration of fact, the body is a bio receiver of a cause of life. Let's call this cause of life a spirit. Death is the finish for receiver but not a spirit.

[JohnDoeLS]

I don't think I can actually come to terms with death, I have learned to stop thinking about it. Death seems to be such a radically different thing from life yet it is what will eventually happen to life, it is possible to come to terms with your death if you have found a meaning in your life which you have fulfilled, you also practice simple acceptance, that you were once dead before and given life to by the universe accidentally. Life has no real meaning and everything is just our brain attempting to make sense of the chaos. 

[iNow]

You don't control your death, though in large part you do control your life. If the thought of death bothers you, then it suggests to me that you are uncomfortable with what you've done in life or what you've contributed, so focus there. Do more with your life. Help those around you. Achieve your dreams, or at least have fun trying. Pretty sure your feelings will improve if you spend more energy focused on living than on dying. 

[bimbo36]

Well its mostly about a life turning into almost nothing . we are born , we struggle for a while , then we die .

Or else you could try to add some religion to your life and hope there is such a thing called a working god somewhere in the universe , there is quantum entanglement and things like all that , and there is resurrection .

There is paradise for people who have done good deeds and hell for people who have done bad things .

All of these are clearly mental things

[Bender]

Resignation is the answer.

Whenever something bothers you, there are two, and only two, options:

1) do something about it

2) accept it and move on

Since death is inevitable, there is nothing you can do about it, so just forget about it and go on enjoying your life. You can of course do some things to prolong life, such as not smoking and eating healthy, but those fall under category 1 (unless you choose to forget about that too).

(there is of course a third option, which is often taken: fear, anger, resentment, jealousy, despair... none of these leads to nice places)

I think your feeling describes nicely why religion is so popular.

[beecee]

23 minutes ago, Bender said:

Resignation is the answer.

Whenever something bothers you, there are two, and only two, options:

1) do something about it

2) accept it and move on

Since death is inevitable, there is nothing you can do about it, so just forget about it and go on enjoying your life. You can of course do some things to prolong life, such as not smoking and eating healthy, but those fall under category 1 (unless you choose to forget about that too).

(there is of course a third option, which is often taken: fear, anger, resentment, jealousy, despair... none of these leads to nice places)

I think your feeling describes nicely why religion is so popular.

Aint that the truth!!! Nice post. I mean, really why worry about something that is inevitable and may occur in 5 mins or in 70 years time! When you're dead, you're dead...life ceases, no realization/s, no dreams, no anything...that's it, pure and simple...back to star dust!                   If people are concerned about the fact that they are going to die one day, and cannot accept the fact that all realizations/thoughts/dreams etc will cease, and need religion to support there concerns, then they have that choice.                  

[StringJunky]

21 minutes ago, beecee said:

Aint that the truth!!! Nice post. I mean, really why worry about something that is inevitable and may occur in 5 mins or in 70 years time! When you're dead, you're dead...life ceases, no realization/s, no dreams, no anything...that's it, pure and simple...back to star dust!                   If people are concerned about the fact that they are going to die one day, and cannot accept the fact that all realizations/thoughts/dreams etc will cease, and need religion to support there concerns, then they have that choice.                  

It's all a lot easier when you've lived beyond a certain number of years but it doesn't help the OP who is probably young and doesn't have the benefit of decades of hindsight like we have. It's one thing to walk backwards into it ignoring it and another to face the challenge head on and walk into it. I choose the latter.

[zapatos]

As it happens my father in law passed away two weeks ago and we had a celebration this past weekend in his honor. I bring this up because I was so impressed by the way he came to terms with his own end of life.

He was 91 and recently diagnosed with a cancer that would end his life within months. His response was to ponder it for a moment, state that he didn't want to pursue any treatment, and then asked what time the baseball game was on.

In order to make sure he looked his best he went out and got a haircut. He planned his memorial mass, a luncheon (including the menu, venue, and guest list), and paid up front for the party which included an open bar. About 150 people showed up.

He scheduled the festivities for two weeks after his death so as to not cause anyone to have to make sudden travel plans. He also declined to have a funeral procession to the cemetery as he thought they were disruptive to traffic. The eulogy he wrote for himself was short and sweet because he said he knew if could be difficult for the person who has to read it. 

He went out with a smile and treated his last day no differently than he treated any other. I don't know how he did it, but his example of how to approach death is what I now aspire to.

[Eise]

On 30/07/2017 at 4:07 AM, jcme11 said:

The part I am struggling with is how to come to terms with this idea of what death is. It upsets me to think about it because it makes me feel like we're living out our lives just to be forgotten. I know I will eventually lose everyone I care about to death, I just wish it wasn't such an abrupt and definite end. I don't want my theory to be the truth, but it's what I believe and I want to find a way to be okay with this.

Some great answers were already given.

Yes, it might seem hard, but would you refuse to go to the movies, just because you know the movie will end? And that after a year you might not remember much of it?

I could give an answer in a Buddhist spirit: first realise that everything is changing, and therefore also will come to an end. Secondly, realise that you, as an autonomous, independent object, do not exist. You are the sum of all your biological and biographical factors, which include decisions you made yourself. Thirdly, realise that you are not the only one: every conscious being is in this situation. If you can really feel this, it can increase your compassion with other beings. When you feel this, and can act accordingly, such questions will not bother you anymore.

Read this comic for another view on this.

On 30/07/2017 at 2:56 PM, iNow said:

You don't control your death, though in large part you do control your life. 

I am glad to hear this from you. 

Edited August 2, 2017 by Eise
typo

[Itoero]

On ‎30‎-‎7‎-‎2017 at 4:07 AM, jcme11 said:

It upsets me to think about it because it makes me feel like we're living out our lives just to be forgotten

Then try to leave a deep footprint so you will not be forgotten that fast  

[iNow]

6 hours ago, Eise said:

I am glad to hear this from you. 

We agree that the chemistry within us can rightly be considered us, but that has no bearing on my comments to you on the topic of freewill and how it's the chemistry in control... that decisions are made well before activation in the conscious areas of the brain or the areas responsible for our sense of self and awareness.

Let's please keep our discussions on that topic in those other threads, though.

[EdEarl]

4 hours ago, Itoero said:

Then try to leave a deep footprint so you will not be forgotten that fast  

I hope those who heed this recommendation, leave good footprint. Too many times people rage and leave a scar.

[Eise]

21 hours ago, Eise said:

Read this comic for another view on this.

Somehow the link was lost. So here it is again. 

[tar]

On ‎7‎/‎29‎/‎2017 at 10:07 PM, jcme11 said:

I believe that life is a long chain of chemical reactions. Therefore, when we die, the electrical impulses in our brains (and any other reactions occurring in our bodies) are converted into other forms of energy and are recycled back into the universe. I think death is something like a dreamless sleep. We close our eyes, everything goes black, and we simply cease to exist. I know it sounds depressing, but it's the scenario that makes the most logical sense to me. The part I am struggling with is how to come to terms with this idea of what death is. It upsets me to think about it because it makes me feel like we're living out our lives just to be forgotten. I know I will eventually lose everyone I care about to death, I just wish it wasn't such an abrupt and definite end. I don't want my theory to be the truth, but it's what I believe and I want to find a way to be okay with this.

In addition to coping methods and mind sets, I would love to discuss different theories and approaches.

Thanks,

x

jcme11,

Just read the comic linked, and it appears that whatever anxiety one of us has had or will have is a human thing.   That is, whatever causes us to not want to die is probably the same set of things that causes us to survive.  So the chemicals you talk about, the neurotransmitters and the memories and the itches and scratches that make up our lives, are really our lives.    We have to come to terms with loss, because people die.  Our loved ones die.  One day we will die.

This thread I have been reading but not responding to because my dad, like zapatos' father in law is 91 and in hospice.   I have to deal with it myself, for real, real soon, and now. Talking to my Dad, who is a psychologist and a gerontologist about his own situation is interesting, to say the least.   He is in hospice, but he is a survivor.  He lived a night of tremendous pain and fear and anguish under some bushes, by himself after a German machine gun bullet entered his shoulder, severed a nerve and lodged in his side. He relates with occasional sobs of disbelief and anguish how he was transferred to an orthopedic hospital rather than a neurological one, and was not operated on, because of infection until months after his return to the states on the Queen Mary, which resulted in the loss of functioning of his left hand and the dashing of his dreams of becoming a surgeon.  He has helped many face much and continues...but he is a man, a survivor, and although he has dealt with his imminent death rationally and with great strength as zapatos's father in law did, he is still a man and has those chemicals coursing through his brain that tell him to live.  I have taken the hospice people's words to heart, about how he is actively dying and in the disease process and such, but if he had the will to live with the morphine and pain and blood and fear on a hilltop where the lines between enemy and friend where scrambled and he was alone, and he has lived through open heart and brain surgery during his long life, I think he is a survivor, who loves life, and will fight it (death)...until he cannot.   Our family has decided not to think of him as dying, but to consider we have him to enjoy for as long as he lives.

Much I think is the way you might consider dealing with death.    By fighting it, 'til it takes you.  By enjoying life, and making it possible for others to do the same.

As others have already mentioned, life is brief and fleeting, and we are fragile beings to be sure.   But life is the only thing we have, it seems highly inappropriate that it should end.  Why bother coming to terms with death?  Live.   It is the only power over death we have. So I doubt I will have the strength and calm of Zapatos's father in law.  I would like to, but I think I will hate the feeling of life slipping away.  I want to be able to tell my loved ones, that survive me, that it will be OK, because even when I die, the rest of the world will continue.  But that is just me thinking.   I think for me, being dead will be like it was for me before I was born and all the world is still mine, even if I don't have TAR to experience it, It will continue.  But that is just me thinking.  Feeling, I think will probably be a problem.  Like my dad urging me to get the heavy cat (no cat visible) off his chest, the other day, I think I will fear death and fight the darn thing, 'til I can't.

Regards, TAR

Edited August 9, 2017 by tar

[Mordred]

On 7/31/2017 at 5:14 PM, zapatos said:

As it happens my father in law passed away two weeks ago and we had a celebration this past weekend in his honor. I bring this up because I was so impressed by the way he came to terms with his own end of life.

He was 91 and recently diagnosed with a cancer that would end his life within months. His response was to ponder it for a moment, state that he didn't want to pursue any treatment, and then asked what time the baseball game was on.

In order to make sure he looked his best he went out and got a haircut. He planned his memorial mass, a luncheon (including the menu, venue, and guest list), and paid up front for the party which included an open bar. About 150 people showed up.

He scheduled the festivities for two weeks after his death so as to not cause anyone to have to make sudden travel plans. He also declined to have a funeral procession to the cemetery as he thought they were disruptive to traffic. The eulogy he wrote for himself was short and sweet because he said he knew if could be difficult for the person who has to read it. 

He went out with a smile and treated his last day no differently than he treated any other. I don't know how he did it, but his example of how to approach death is what I now aspire to.

 

Excellent example to post, my condolences but at the same time my heartfelt respect for your father.

[Mordred]

On 7/31/2017 at 4:05 PM, StringJunky said:

It's all a lot easier when you've lived beyond a certain number of years but it doesn't help the OP who is probably young and doesn't have the benefit of decades of hindsight like we have. It's one thing to walk backwards into it ignoring it and another to face the challenge head on and walk into it. I choose the latter.

 

Indeed acceptance of death often comes down to acceptance of ones own accomplishments. Though not in the manner most will assume.   Accomplishment as per acceptance that one has had a good and meaningful life.  The acceptance that you have had influence on those dear to you, acceptance that you have done everything to teach your children self sufficiency. Acceptance that you have accomplished the important goals in your life.

 The acceptance that you have done the best you can for others. 

[StringJunky]

2 hours ago, Mordred said:

 

Indeed acceptance of death often comes down to acceptance of ones own accomplishments. Though not in the manner most will assume.   Accomplishment as per acceptance that one has had a good and meaningful life.  The acceptance that you have had influence on those dear to you, acceptance that you have done everything to teach your children self sufficiency. Acceptance that you have accomplished the important goals in your life.

 The acceptance that you have done the best you can for others. 

I think this quote sums it up, apparently, by Da Vinci: "As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well spent brings happy death." 
 

Edited August 9, 2017 by StringJunky

[Mordred]

Nice quote will have to remember that one

[Damateur]

On 7/29/2017 at 9:07 PM, jcme11 said:

... The part I am struggling with is how to come to terms with this idea of what death is. It upsets me to think about it because it makes me feel like we're living out our lives just to be forgotten. I know I will eventually lose everyone I care about to death, I just wish it wasn't such an abrupt and definite end. ...

   As humans we are social creatures and have long memories. Our memories keep those we have met alive in our minds even after their deaths. Being social animals we try to form stronger bonds with those who make us better or even just feel better. These factors make us miss those who have died and regret their death. The stronger the bond we had, the more we miss them and the greater our regret.
   But those aspects also mean we 'live on' in those we know just as those who have already died 'live on' within us. We can affect others while we live but that is at times (when we aren't around) due to their memory of us. So too, can we affect others after our death as their memory of us affects them.

   An abrupt end is not always a bad thing.
   My paternal grandmother had TIAs (transient ischemic attacks = mini-strokes) which took her from healthy but slightly infirm to pretty much incapacitated and confused about who was whom. She, in effect, died a couple years before her body died.
   A slow, drawn-out ending can be much worse than an abrupt end.

   Living your life then being forgotten - is that really the worst thing? There are ways to be remembered but the easiest ones are also the worst ones. Do you want to be remembered by future generations but only to provide them a frisson of schadenfreude? Or would you rather live a good life knowing that you helped humankind along the way?

[StringJunky]

30 minutes ago, Mordred said:

Nice quote will have to remember that one

Yes, it is. I didn't know who to attribute it to until today. You still need some life behind you to appreciate it. It's a difficult question to answer for someone who still has the vast majority of their life ahead. 

23 minutes ago, Damateur said:

     An abrupt end is not always a bad thing.
   My paternal grandmother had TIAs (transient ischemic attacks = mini-strokes) which took her from healthy but slightly infirm to pretty much incapacitated and confused about who was whom. She, in effect, died a couple years before her body died.
   A slow, drawn-out ending can be much worse than an abrupt end.

How a person dies shouldn't define their life that went before. It is rarely a fairy-tale ending. Having said that, my grandmother had the perfect death. She drifted into a sleep-like state with slow, steady breathing with increasing intervals, took one final inhale and then relaxed. Her influence is still very much alive in me and in that sense she still lives. To use a computer analogy, I am still executing the program she installed in me. Ultimately, we are information which we pass on by installing it into someone else.

Edited August 9, 2017 by StringJunky