Asperger's: Do You Have It & How Does it Affect Relationships?

[koti]

12 minutes ago, DrKrettin said:

Each Aspie has their own set of triggers, or maybe none at all. I'll give my wife as an example. Aspies usually have an irrationally acute need to organise their space, and react negatively if something is amiss. The triggers can be unimaginably trivial, but important to an Aspie. Example: we used to have a jar on the kitchen shelf containing coffee, and the jar had the label "coffee" on it. As everything else in the universe, it was designed for right-handed people, and if a right-handed person used it to make coffee, they would replace it with the label facing outwards. But I am extremely left-handed, and that meant that when I made coffee, I would replace the jar the wrong way round with the label facing the wall.  The result of this crime was spectacular. Amazing arguments. I talk in the past tense because in the end she smashed the jar against the wall in rage.

That description would be sufficient to draw the conclusion that this woman is an insane stupid bimbo, but she has a PhD and most of the time is extremely rational. She herself admits this space issue is totally irrational and her responses are inappropriately excessive emotional ones, but she seems to have no control over it. There are a few other triggers which are equally trivial and catastrophic, but I'll spare the detail. Not all Aspies are like that, but it is typical.

While waiting for your answer I've watched a video explaining the triggers, whats behind the behaviours etc. It does sound like a lot of fun. On the other hand, your explanation with the coffee jar above potrays an average, healthy woman

Edited August 14, 2017 by koti

[CaptainT]

1 hour ago, Juno said:

I want to pick up a point that DrKrettin makes, that people with Aspergers should seek partners who also have Aspergers.  I don't think this has to be the case at all.  My husband and I have been together for 17 years and we have only found out this year that he is likely on the autism spectrum (he scores over 40 on the ASQ) and is now awaiting formal diagnosis (a two year waiting list where we are).  We have always worked well as a couple and are each other's best friends, but I've always been conscious that he has very few other friends - he typically doesn't like socialising and finds it hard work talking to people he doesn't know very well.  What I think he has needed is someone who is patient and non-confrontational, and doesn't make demands.  We've never been the sort of couple that tells each other what to do (it breaks my heart to hear people saying their other half "won't let them" do something) and I think it's always helped that I don't force him into social situations he doesn't want to be in etc.

I won't say it's not sometimes a lonely time, particularly when he's not feeling communicative, but I certainly wouldn't have done things any differently, and I'm fairly certain he feels the same.  

Juno, thank you so much for sharing. Your story gives me hope.

Nevertheless, I have already messed up. I was impatient and confrontational. I have since taking strides to make changes (counseling, growing up, etc). Having recently learned of my partner's AS, I find the awareness tremendously helpful, and I will continue to do my own research on it.

From your experience, is there a possibility of convincing/demonstrating to my reclusive, conflict-averse AS partner that I have changed and with more maturity and understanding, we should try again? If so, what steps would you recommend?

[CaptainT]

1 hour ago, CharonY said:

I will add a few things here. Diagnosis of autism is difficult, especially on the high-functioning end of things (Asperger's has been merged into the general diagnosis of autism spectrum disorders is generally not diagnosed as a separate entity). As such online tests are highly suspicious to me. Many of the typical things for high functioning  autism are also diagnostic for people that e.g. grew up more isolated (say, immigrants). Also, as studies have shown that people well-established diagnosis in childhood  may lose the diagnosis later on when re-tested.

Self-diagnosis is even more difficult, and it is generally recommended to visit a specialist for a proper analysis.

 

Cross-posted, but I think what Juno said is very true. There is no magic automatic understanding with or without disorders. In all cases one has to figure out the various bits and pieces of your partner and be willing to accept them. And quite frankly, I can imagine that two partners with autism spectrum disorders can actually have a harder time to negotiate compromises.

I can't be sure if my former partner was fully aware of having AS, but I've read some articles/books that would put him/her on that spectrum. If I have to guess, he/she has some marginal awareness, but never disclosed it during our time together.

Now that I've discovered AS is a possibility with my partner, I am doing my best to research it. Yes, I do see that the journey ahead will be challenging. And I may very well be stupid for wanting to give it another shot, but I love my partner for who he/she is, and now that I'm aware of the AS, it helps me understand my partner better. If only my partner would be open to trying.

[Juno]

3 minutes ago, CaptainT said:

Juno, thank you so much for sharing. Your story gives me hope.

Nevertheless, I have already messed up. I was impatient and confrontational. I have since taking strides to make changes (counseling, growing up, etc). Having recently learned of my partner's AS, I find the awareness tremendously helpful, and I will continue to do my own research on it.

From your experience, is there a possibility of convincing/demonstrating to my reclusive, conflict-averse AS partner that I have changed and with more maturity and understanding, we should try again? If so, what steps would you recommend?

At the risk of stating the obvious, have you considered or tried simply telling your partner in those terms?  I've found that the more straightforward you can be, the better.  Part of ASD is very often the inability to read the unsaid parts of communication or read between the lines, and it's often frustrating for them that people don't communicate directly as it's exhausting trying to work out what people actually mean - like trying to communicate in a foreign language that you're only a beginner in.  You may find that being as open and direct as possible will make more progress.  

Of course, keep in mind that they may have just moved on and don't want to try again for any number of reasons - don't take a negative response as necessarily meaning that they don't understand what you're trying to say.

 

[CaptainT]

2 hours ago, Juno said:

At the risk of stating the obvious, have you considered or tried simply telling your partner in those terms?  I've found that the more straightforward you can be, the better.  Part of ASD is very often the inability to read the unsaid parts of communication or read between the lines, and it's often frustrating for them that people don't communicate directly as it's exhausting trying to work out what people actually mean - like trying to communicate in a foreign language that you're only a beginner in.  You may find that being as open and direct as possible will make more progress.  

Of course, keep in mind that they may have just moved on and don't want to try again for any number of reasons - don't take a negative response as necessarily meaning that they don't understand what you're trying to say.

 

I have tried talking to my partner before, who said that thinking about our past fights still stressed him/her out. And that he/she needs more time to overcome it. That was before I knew about the AS side of him/her.

I'd like to ease my way back into his/her life, and regain his/her trust. I truly love this person, and am willing to try what I can to give it a second chance.

How do you think my partner would handle me approaching him/her again to have a discussion, but with more clarify and less emotions?

[Juno]

10 hours ago, CaptainT said:

I have tried talking to my partner before, who said that thinking about our past fights still stressed him/her out. And that he/she needs more time to overcome it. That was before I knew about the AS side of him/her.

I'd like to ease my way back into his/her life, and regain his/her trust. I truly love this person, and am willing to try what I can to give it a second chance.

How do you think my partner would handle me approaching him/her again to have a discussion, but with more clarify and less emotions?

I don't think anyone here can really answer that for you - ASD people are all different from each other just the same as everyone else, and it depends on your personal history with them.  What I would say is that if they've asked you for more time, take that at face value and give it time.  Which may mean don't approach the discussion again at the moment - but I think only you can make that call based on how much time you have already given them etc.

[Damateur]

   While I already know I have Asperger's, out of curiosity I took the test koti provided a link to and got a score of 38.

   I didn't know while growing up though and it made things challenging but also gave me tools and insights I doubt I would have had if I had been neurotypical.

   Not being able to read facial expressions and body language means taking people at their word until you get to know the person. And by "taking people at their word" means taking everything they say literally (as in genuinely, accurately, etc - yes, I know the correct meaning of the word). I've learned to deal with neurotypicals by analyzing the way people speak: what they say, how they say it and even what they don't say. I also endeavor to say what I mean and mean what I say.

 

10 hours ago, CaptainT said:

I have tried talking to my partner before, who said that thinking about our past fights still stressed him/her out. And that he/she needs more time to overcome it. That was before I knew about the AS side of him/her.

I'd like to ease my way back into his/her life, and regain his/her trust. I truly love this person, and am willing to try what I can to give it a second chance.

How do you think my partner would handle me approaching him/her again to have a discussion, but with more clarify and less emotions?

   I'm not good at relationships.

   With that caveat, take your partner at their word and don't bring up past fights at all. Your only reference to them should be that they were based on potentially wrong information so they are moot and won't ever be brought up again - assuming you can actually stick to that pledge. And this would only be your pledge to them.

   Clarity is excellent. Emotions are fine but they need to be expressed verbally. A "meaningful" look isn't meaningful. Looking with "love" in your eyes is just looking. Honest words are needed. Meaningful deeds are needed. Ask questions and take the answer literally. Always be honest. If you aren't sure about something then ask for clarification.

   There was a period of a few years where I couldn't tell my mother that I loved her - I didn't feel it so I couldn't say it. When I was again able to say it, she understood that I meant it. I can't tell you that everyone with Asperger's is like that.

   Your partner might not be able to tell you that they love you right now. But they could like you enough to be with you.

 

   I'm not sure how you should broach the subject of Asperger's/autism with your partner. I keep coming back to something you said: "I truly love this person, and am willing to try what I can to give it a second chance." If you have not actually said this, it might be a good start. They might not be able to accept the idea that they have Asperger's/autism - it took me a few years. But I was also working through it alone.

  If they can't deal with it and you do love them then agree to not pursue it but ask if you can try to follow guidelines as if that were the case so you can try to be a better partner. In other words, you won't talk about it but will act as if they can't read expressions or body language.

   Above all, temper my attempts at advice with what others say and with reason. You know this person far better than I do so if something I said doesn't ring true, don't do it.

[CaptainT]

On 8/15/2017 at 3:17 AM, Damateur said:

   While I already know I have Asperger's, out of curiosity I took the test koti provided a link to and got a score of 38.

   I didn't know while growing up though and it made things challenging but also gave me tools and insights I doubt I would have had if I had been neurotypical.

   Not being able to read facial expressions and body language means taking people at their word until you get to know the person. And by "taking people at their word" means taking everything they say literally (as in genuinely, accurately, etc - yes, I know the correct meaning of the word). I've learned to deal with neurotypicals by analyzing the way people speak: what they say, how they say it and even what they don't say. I also endeavor to say what I mean and mean what I say.

 

   I'm not good at relationships.

   With that caveat, take your partner at their word and don't bring up past fights at all. Your only reference to them should be that they were based on potentially wrong information so they are moot and won't ever be brought up again - assuming you can actually stick to that pledge. And this would only be your pledge to them.

   Clarity is excellent. Emotions are fine but they need to be expressed verbally. A "meaningful" look isn't meaningful. Looking with "love" in your eyes is just looking. Honest words are needed. Meaningful deeds are needed. Ask questions and take the answer literally. Always be honest. If you aren't sure about something then ask for clarification.

   There was a period of a few years where I couldn't tell my mother that I loved her - I didn't feel it so I couldn't say it. When I was again able to say it, she understood that I meant it. I can't tell you that everyone with Asperger's is like that.

   Your partner might not be able to tell you that they love you right now. But they could like you enough to be with you.

 

   I'm not sure how you should broach the subject of Asperger's/autism with your partner. I keep coming back to something you said: "I truly love this person, and am willing to try what I can to give it a second chance." If you have not actually said this, it might be a good start. They might not be able to accept the idea that they have Asperger's/autism - it took me a few years. But I was also working through it alone.

  If they can't deal with it and you do love them then agree to not pursue it but ask if you can try to follow guidelines as if that were the case so you can try to be a better partner. In other words, you won't talk about it but will act as if they can't read expressions or body language.

   Above all, temper my attempts at advice with what others say and with reason. You know this person far better than I do so if something I said doesn't ring true, don't do it.

Thank you. You have provided incredible insight. While my former partner is a (suspected) Aspie, I have been labeled an empath by people who know me. Sometimes, I think of it as intuition - I notice small changes in facial expressions/body language, and I can almost perceive how someone else is feeling as soon as I see someone.

My partner is in a season of trying to avoid me. No resentment, but our failure to communicate led to disagreements that are now causing my partner stress. Having just recently learned about AS and how my partner fits the bill (based on the books I've read so far), I am certainly regretful and sorrowful that we didn't realize this earlier. If we had learned to communicate better, and I had learned to be more understanding of my partner, we would have been in a better position.

I am so thankful for the points you brought up; in particular, the point on clarity as well as this part: "With that caveat, take your partner at their word and don't bring up past fights at all. Your only reference to them should be that they were based on potentially wrong information so they are moot and won't ever be brought up again - assuming you can actually stick to that pledge. And this would only be your pledge to them."

I want to give my partner time to heal, yet in my selfishness, I want to approach my partner. Sigh.

On 8/15/2017 at 3:08 AM, Juno said:

I don't think anyone here can really answer that for you - ASD people are all different from each other just the same as everyone else, and it depends on your personal history with them.  What I would say is that if they've asked you for more time, take that at face value and give it time.  Which may mean don't approach the discussion again at the moment - but I think only you can make that call based on how much time you have already given them etc.

It's been months. Some people say that isn't a long time at all, but now I'm wondering if more time is necessary given the AS.

Edited August 18, 2017 by CaptainT