Commenting on attractive people while in a relationship?

[Alfred001]

I've often found it odd when people who are in relationships will comment on the attractiveness of other people. I don't mean kind of dispassionately saying that some person is objectively attractive, but in a really animated way talking about how hot another person is.

I'm talking about celebrities here, not people in the person's general social circle.

Here's a specific example: A friend's girlfriend used to talk about how hot a famous athlete was (in my friend's presence) and had photos of him on her phone.

My friend's attitude was, what do I care, it's not like she can end up with him. This is not how I see this. I see this behavior as completely unacceptable and, in my view, I think you shouldn't gush about another person's attractiveness if you're in a relationship, whether that person is an unattainable celebrity or not.

From my observations, I seem to be in the minority here and most people seem to think this is perfectly normal behavior.

I'm wondering what people think about this? I want to stress that I'm referring specifically to situations where the person is talking about an unattainable celebrity, not someone in the couple's lives.

[Prometheus]

Some people will be comfortable with this, some not.  You shouldn't worry about couples that are comfortable, just bear this in mind that you are not when choosing your partner. All that matters is that you are on the same wavelength as your partner on this issue.

[StringJunky]

4 minutes ago, Alfred001 said:

I've often found it odd when people who are in relationships will comment on the attractiveness of other people. I don't mean kind of dispassionately saying that some person is objectively attractive, but in a really animated way talking about how hot another person is.

I'm talking about celebrities here, not people in the person's general social circle.

Here's a specific example: A friend's girlfriend used to talk about how hot a famous athlete was (in my friend's presence) and had photos of him on her phone.

My friend's attitude was, what do I care, it's not like she can end up with him. This is not how I see this. I see this behavior as completely unacceptable and, in my view, I think you shouldn't gush about another person's attractiveness if you're in a relationship, whether that person is an unattainable celebrity or not.

From my observations, I seem to be in the minority here and most people seem to think this is perfectly normal behavior.

I'm wondering what people think about this? I want to stress that I'm referring specifically to situations where the person is talking about an unattainable celebrity, not someone in the couple's lives.

It's probably generally accepted that most people have fantasy ideals and the unattainable celebrity represents that.

[Area54]

The behaviour would be inappropriate if the partner felt uncomfortable about the comments. If they felt very uncomfortable then the behaviour would arguably be immoral and certainly crude and uncaring. However, as String junky and Prometheus have pointed out, most (many) people are not concerned by it.

One could use this argument. If one is in a positive and rewarding relationship, this relationship has arisen because of our ability to find individuals attractive. That ability is an innate and instinctive part of our make up and as such is an integral part of our character. To deny that ability now would be dishonest and undermine the foundation of the relationship.

People are diverse. Don't sweat it.

[koti]

I don’t find it uncaring or cruel when my partner comments on a six pack of some celebrity, most of the time it motivates me to put down the candy bar I’m holding in my hand. Commenting on another woman in front of your female partner is a whole different thing and its such a complex issue that it calls for a PhD thesis.

And Im not sure that would be exhaustive too.

[DrP]

I prefer honesty  -  why pretend you don't find them attractive when you do?  - I would want my partner to be honest with their feelings. Surely it's hotter knowing what your partner likes anyway - rather than sticking your head in the sand and living in a fantasy land where they 'only have eyes for you' when really they are bored to tears or just like the aesthetics of others as well as you...  it's natural and normal. 

Maybe the offence people feel is due to the jealousy....  or more likely some throw back to religious days when people they believed that a spouse was god given and couldn't be any thing but perfect. It's about expectation I think  -  stop thinking/expecting that your partner will only have eyes for you and look and behave the way you want them too, you are lying to yourself - they are complex human beings. 

 

 

[Alfred001]

To be clear, I'm not in this situation and never have been, so it's not that I'm seeking advice on this type of situation, I'm more just curious about whether people see this kind of behavior as appropriate or not and any comment on why you feel it is or isn't I'd be curious to hear.

[iNow]

This seems to me more about insecurity of the person hearing the comments than inappropriateness of the person making them.

As others have said, it depends on the relationship itself. If it hurts the other person or causes distrust, then it's generally best to avoid it. If it's not something that matters either way or can be thought of as just silly and fun, then have at it.

I'd focus more on the insecurities that lead to these feelings and work to improve those. That's likely to be one of the single best ways to improve the relationship. Avoiding certain comments tends to speak to other underlying problems and does not in any way help to address them.

[koti]

6 minutes ago, Alfred001 said:

To be clear, I'm not in this situation and never have been, so it's not that I'm seeking advice on this type of situation, I'm more just curious about whether people see this kind of behavior as appropriate or not and any comment on why you feel it is or isn't I'd be curious to hear.

What people wrote above is pretty accurate and exhaustive. The bottom line is that its a subjective issue depending on personal character, previous experiences, the way you were brought up and in what environment, religious factors and dozens if not hundreds of more factors. There's no binary way of deciding if something is wrong or right with these things, as long as you are not intentionally hurting another person you're ok. The way I personally see it is, I couldn't be with a very jealous person who goes all over me whenever I make a comment on another attractive woman and I do not expect my partner to be a saint and not look at other men and comment on them - that would be unhealthy for me relationship wise. It might work differently for other people though and that's ok too. The main part here for both sides is be kind to each other or at least don't be an ***hole to each other. 

[Sensei]

3 hours ago, Alfred001 said:

I'm wondering what people think about this?

I'm wondering what people have instead of brain, wasting time talking about celebrities...

 

[Strange]

We have a whole thread about Stephen Hawking. He's quite a celebrity.

[tmx3]

On 3/27/2018 at 7:46 AM, Alfred001 said:

I've often found it odd when people who are in relationships will comment on the attractiveness of other people. I don't mean kind of dispassionately saying that some person is objectively attractive, but in a really animated way talking about how hot another person is.

I'm talking about celebrities here, not people in the person's general social circle.

Here's a specific example: A friend's girlfriend used to talk about how hot a famous athlete was (in my friend's presence) and had photos of him on her phone.

My friend's attitude was, what do I care, it's not like she can end up with him. This is not how I see this. I see this behavior as completely unacceptable and, in my view, I think you shouldn't gush about another person's attractiveness if you're in a relationship, whether that person is an unattainable celebrity or not.

From my observations, I seem to be in the minority here and most people seem to think this is perfectly normal behavior.

I'm wondering what people think about this? I want to stress that I'm referring specifically to situations where the person is talking about an unattainable celebrity, not someone in the couple's lives.

I strongly believe that unfaithfulness begins at the emotional level. It starts with a thought. 

How strongly do you love your significant other, if they’re not the only one you have eyes for? 

[iNow]

1 hour ago, tmx3 said:

I strongly believe that unfaithfulness begins at the emotional level. It starts with a thought. 

How strongly do you love your significant other, if they’re not the only one you have eyes for? 

I’m sympathetic to this view. The thought is like a seed which left unchecked could grow into a fruit, or garden, or forest. But not all seeds grow into something, nefarious or otherwise.

Some seeds don’t grow at all. Some begin to sprout, but then falter. Some are intentionally pulled like weeds upon reaching a certain size. Others turn into something unexpected and undetrimental and often quite wonderful. 

But thoughts happen. Seeds sometimes flow through us like thistles in the wind. Some occasional drop to the proverbial soil and even sprout. It’s natural, and IMO unrelated to any love we have of extant significant others. 

What you seem to be proposing, however, implicitly requires a certain unattainable purity, one that is too challenging to achieve even for the most chaste among us. Your view strikes me as laden with unnecessary risk, as one that too often will sacrifice the good in pursuit of the perfect. 

I’m sympathetic to your view. Much like every journey begins with a single step, unfaithfulness indeed begins with a single thought... but not every step we take turns into a journey nor does every thought we think or every glimmer of attraction that arises within us turn into unfaithfulness. 

Edited March 31, 2018 by iNow

[tmx3]

8 minutes ago, iNow said:

I’m sympathetic to this view. The thought is like a seed which left unchecked could grow into a fruit, or garden, or forest. But not all seeds grow into the same things.

Some seeds don’t grow at all. Some begin to sprout, but then falter. Some are intentionally pulled like weeds upon reaching a certain size. Others turn into something unexpected and undetrimental and often quite wonderful. 

But thoughts happen. Seeds sometimes drop or even sprout. It’s natural, and unrelated to the love of existing significant others. 

What you seem to be proposing requires a certain purity, one that is too challenging to achieve even for the most chaste among us. Your view strikes me as laden with unnecessary risk, as one that too often sacrifices the good in pursuit of the perfect. 

Im sympathetic to your view. Much like every journey begins with a single step, unfaithfulness indeed begins with a single thought... but not every step we take turns into a journey nor does every thought we think nor every glimmer of attraction turn into unfaithfulness. 

I hear you, but it seems like your idea of “a step taken that does not become a journey” is similar to one objectively stating whether someone is attractive. The difference is in seeing yourself with that person, or being so obsessed as in OP (I think it was OP???) where the friend was witnessing one’s girlfriend go on and on about some athlete or celebrity to the point where she has photos of the athlete on her phone. 

If she had the chance she probably would get with the athlete. I’m just saying. 

Edited March 31, 2018 by tmx3

[StringJunky]

1 hour ago, tmx3 said:

I hear you, but it seems like your idea of “a step taken that does not become a journey” is similar to one objectively stating whether someone is attractive. The difference is in seeing yourself with that person, or being so obsessed as in OP (I think it was OP???) where the friend was witnessing one’s girlfriend go on and on about some athlete or celebrity to the point where she has photos of the athlete on her phone. 

If she had the chance she probably would get with the athlete. I’m just saying. 

There should  be a clear line between real life and fantasy. You see what you want to see and ignore the rest... that's romantic love.

[Zussman]

It's okay.

Edited February 22, 2021 by Zussman

[MigL]

Tom Jones used to have women toss their panties at him on a regular basis while he was on stage, performing.
His wife didn't care; in one interview she said

"It doesn't matter who pumps up the tires, as long as I'm the only one who gets to ride the bike"

Seems a practical philosophy. 

 

[CharonY]

3 hours ago, MigL said:

Tom Jones used to have women toss their panties at him on a regular basis while he was on stage, performing.
His wife didn't care; in one interview she said

"It doesn't matter who pumps up the tires, as long as I'm the only one who gets to ride the bike"

Seems a practical philosophy. 

 

Pump it up and ring my bell cause I want to ride my bicycle, bicycle, bicycle.