Why are you still single?

[mike90]

Hm it prolly is true in general that people tend to project qualities they are looking for into people. I've certainly noticed myself doing this before. I have a hard time looking at tommorow or next wednesday instead of where i want to be 5 years from now.

[Phi for All]

ok im not really a science person. i just came to this website to find out something about shoes.

I'm almost curious enough to want to know what we had to offer in the way of shoe advice.

i dont know what small talk is but that doesnt really matter if you just put some time into what you wear and you apperance then i can almost guarentee someone will think you are somewhat attractive. all you need to do is get some good shoes and clothes, get a nice haircut and just make sure you look ok in the mirror maybe put some gel in your hair.

I took this to mean that if you care about yourself, others will also. I don't think he's advocating "It is better to look good than to feel good."

and if you want to stop being single just go to the mall you will probly find some one there.

I like the non-bar approach but I think the mall is where you go to find someone into material things, not relationships. Go to the mall, find a shopping partner.

and just have a little bit of confidence i am not a very confident person but all you need is a little bit and you should be ok.

I like a person who saves the best bit for last. This is a gem, truly.

[JohnB]

I'm happily married for around 6 years. I didn't get married until I was 38. Why hurry?

 

For my 2 cents, take up dancing. (This from a totally unbiased Ballroom dance teacher of around 20 years. )

 

Reasons.

 

1. It's a healthy sport.

2. You meet a lot of people.

3. Most of them are learning too, so they are just as nervous as you are.

4. As each dance is only a couple of minutes, you don't have to spend too much time with each person.

5. There are a wide range of people. I've taught beauty queens and heart surgeons.

6. Generally they're nice people.

6. It's a great confidence builder. (Guys who can dance are popular with women everywhere.)

7. They're more likely to go for coffee and a chat than a drink after class.

8. After you get some practice and knowledge, you can be anyone you want. (Dancing is acting. I'm a very shy person, but on the floor I don't have to be me.)

9. It's fun. You get to push yourself to do new things and then demonstrate to yourself (and others) that you can do them.

 

Try it, you might just enjoy it.

 

I was bloody certain I'd hate it at first, but I changed my mind.

[Phi for All]

For my 2 cents, take up dancing.

This is something I always regretted not doing. I did some acting and learned dancing for specific numbers, but I never learned dancing for fun. You're right, it's exercise with a purpose, you meet nice people and it's really very sexy. Like foreplay standing up.

[YT2095]

and it's really very sexy. Like foreplay standing up.

 

What?

you mean to tell me there`s Other ways to conduct foreplay!

[Phi for All]

What?

you mean to tell me there`s Other ways to conduct foreplay!

Yeah, the old, "Brace yourself, Bridget!" foreplay method is soooooo 1905.

[Glider]

I don't dance. I look like like a badly stuffed sofa doing an impression of falling down the stairs. It's a shame, but some have it and some don't.

 

I have to rely on my luminous personality, sparkling wit, eclectic humour, scintillating conversation and my dark flashing eyes...

 

...dammit! maybe that's where I'm going wrong! Maybe I should just get a big fast car.

[Klaynos]

I don't dance. I look like like a badly stuffed sofa doing an impression of falling down the stairs. It's a shame' date=' but some have it and some don't.

 

I have to rely on my luminous personality, sparkling wit, eclectic humour, scintillating conversation and my dark flashing eyes...

 

...dammit! maybe [i']that's[/i] where I'm going wrong! Maybe I should just get a big fast car.

 

Or a small rubbish car, make it REALLY REALLY loud, weigh it down with speakers so you can here the BOOM BOOM BOOM over your exhaust, and then put a "spoiler"/granny rail on the back as you'll be going SO DAMN FAST you'll need to stop yourself taking off...

[coquina]

I don't dance. I look like like a badly stuffed sofa doing an impression of falling down the stairs. It's a shame' date=' but some have it and some don't.

 

I have to rely on my luminous personality, sparkling wit, eclectic humour, scintillating conversation and my dark flashing eyes...

 

...dammit! maybe [i']that's[/i] where I'm going wrong! Maybe I should just get a big fast car.

 

Butch didn't dance either. He had absolutely no sense of rhythm - if he tried to dance fast, he looked like there was something with fangs crawling up his leg heading for his nether regions.

 

We slow danced, and I patted him on the shoulder because he couldn't hear the beat.

 

Forget the car, get a BOAT. (Short for Break out another thousand...)

[Bio-Hazard]

I'm single for many reasons.

 

1. I'm a full-time college student.

2. I dumped the girl I could have married.

3. I haven't chosen to ask any girl out lately because I like a caring woman who isn't super moody.

4. I don't trust people.

5. I have this idea in my head that I will create some fabulous design in the world that enables me to have my greatest desire. To obtain it, I must be single.

6. I'm somewhat shy.

7. I have a jealous factor, which I know should be gone, but isn't, so I don't date women.

8. My ex-girlfriends cheated on me.

9. I can't be understood unless I tell someone everything about me, and then they sometimes begin to fear me.

10. I'm paranoid.

11. People seem like rubber to me, all actors on a stage, fake but moving.

12. I've got issues.

13. I'm wise enough not to bring a woman into my issues.

 

I figured that I was not made for dating. So I'm just going to give up the whole notion. I never did like the whole scene of how couples have acted with each other through the times. Much of it had disgusted me and made me want to kill people.

[Glider]

I'm single for many reasons.

 

1. I'm a full-time college student.

This is when many people form their first strong relationships. Not necessarily permanent' date=' but strong.

2. I dumped the girl I could have married.

Me too, but then in my case, marrying her would have been the wrong thing to do as the relationship was dying anyway. Marriage is only a state/church sanction for a relationship that should already exist. It won't create or save a non-existant/dying relationship.

3. I haven't chosen to ask any girl out lately because I like a caring woman who isn't super moody.

They exist, but you have to look. They won't come to you if they don't know you're there, and you won't be able to tell which are the caring ones if you don't get to know them.

4. I don't trust people.

Me neither. But then, you don't have to. In a relationship, you only have to really trust one person.

5. I have this idea in my head that I will create some fabulous design in the world that enables me to have my greatest desire. To obtain it, I must be single.

Why? I've found that in the company of the right person, I'm so much more full of energy and ideas and enthusiasm. I think even if what you say is true, you're much more likely to accomplish it in the company of the right kind of person.

6. I'm somewhat shy.

Me too, but I'm beginning to realise that I'm not really an awful person either. However, it's a lot easier to talk to a person because you like something about them, than to talk to a person with 'a relationship' on your mind, because then there's no agenda and you have nothing to lose.

7. I have a jealous factor, which I know should be gone, but isn't, so I don't date women.

That's a bit like saying "Im not going to practice the piano until I can play it properly". Jealousy comes from a fragile self-esteem, i.e. one that is too easily threatened. The first person you really have to trust is yourself. In a bizarre irony, your self esteem can be hugely enhanced by sharing the company of the right kind of people. If people you like and respect like you, then you can't be that bad.

8. My ex-girlfriends cheated on me.

It happens. It just means they were not who you were looking for. It's all part of the search. If you're looking for your keys, you don't take a book simply because it was the first thing you found. You put it down and keep looking.

9. I can't be understood unless I tell someone everything about me, and then they sometimes begin to fear me.

Sounds like you have a need to justify yourself all the time (that would be the self-esteem thing again). I'm a bit like that. It's not actually true though. Just emotionally eviscerating yourself at the slightest opportunity can be very scary in itself. It doesn't necessarily mean there's anything awful about you to be scared of. You have to people some credit. Many can understand you. Those that really don't or can't will either ask, or go away. Those that just go away are not such a loss. It doesn't mean they're bad people, it just indicates that they're not really 'your kind' of people. You can't be everybody's friend, and nor should you try.

10. I'm paranoid.

It's a lot easier to become paranoid in isolation than it is in good company. Things in your own mind can get a little out of hand when there is no external feedback coming in.

11. People seem like rubber to me, all actors on a stage, fake but moving.

Again, this is something that comes from isolation. People you don't know will always seem one-dimentional. You have to know a person for them to become real. It's only when you get to know them that you're in a position to decide whether or not you like them anyway.

12. I've got issues.

13. I'm wise enough not to bring a woman into my issues.

Is it wisdom? If you have grit in your eyes, does it make more sense to get somebody else to look for it, or to try to find it yourself with no mirror? I'm not saying you should be looking for a realationship with a surrogate therapist, but we are social animals. We are defined as people to a large extent by those around us (it's a kind of reciprocal feedback thing). If you find someone you respect and trust, their objectivity and alternative perspectives will help you. You might even find that your 'issues' really aren't that big a deal.

I figured that I was not made for dating. So I'm just going to give up the whole notion.

That's one option and it is your choice, but things will not improve in isolation and for the most part, people are not really 'designed' psychologically to be alone. Trust me, I know this.

I never did like the whole scene of how couples have acted with each other through the times. Much of it had disgusted me and made me want to kill people.

And where is it written that you have act the way they do? Only two people define any given relationship; those involved in it. Why would you define your potential relationships by what other people have done?

 

Butch didn't dance either. He had absolutely no sense of rhythm - if he tried to dance fast' date=' he looked like there was something with fangs crawling up his leg heading for his nether regions.

 

We slow danced, and I patted him on the shoulder because he couldn't hear the beat.[/quote']

I actually have a good sense of rhythm (i used to be a drummer), but converting that into co-ordinated motor actions that don't scare children is quite hard for me. It's like each part of me picks up on a different element of the music. My head follows main beat, my legs go for the bass line and my arms pick up on the harmony (or one does, the other follows the melody). The overall effect can be...unsettling. Funnily enough, I'm ok with Ragga

[BobbyJoeCool]

I REALLY wish I could dance. How long does it take to learn? I mean, I barely have time to learn anything, and don't have time for any real commitment.

[Lyssia]

I'd love to learn to dance - properly, not the jiggy bum-wiggling that goes on.

[Phi for All]

I REALLY wish I could dance. How long does it take to learn? I mean, I barely have time to learn anything, and don't have time for any real commitment.

That depends on the level of expertise you want. I'm not the dance expert, but you would probably see the difference in just a few lessons, once a week with a little practice time as well. If you want to go on tour you better commit to a few years of daily lessons.

 

And for anything you REALLY want, you make the time. Isn't that the way it always is? We complain we have no time but when something comes along that we absolutely need to do, you find the time. You just have to decide how much TV or video games or clubbing or couch sitting or reading or hanging you're willing to give up.

[SorceressPol]

Shoes! Why didn't I think of that!?

 

Honestly though' date=' I don't want a girl who is only attracted to a guy who wears name brand shoes and is a walking advertisement. I would really rather advertise myself rather than American Eagle or whatever ultra expensive brand is popular at the moment. And again, most of the girls who hang out at malls all weekend just aren't what I'm looking for... I think you're mistaking people who want a relationship with somebody who wants a one night stand.[/quote']

 

Well thank you very much. Most girls that I know who shop at the mall on weekends, myself included, are not looking for one night stands. The stigma that goes along with shopping at the mall annoys the crap out of me. I go there more out of a matter of convenience. Movie theater, borders, Starbucks, Sarku Japan, and EB Games in the same spot. I also hate driving to fifty million other locations looking for presents for family and friends when I can go to one place. My friends who are in great relationships, usually ended up finding love in the last place they would have imagined. So try not to put so many limitations on yourself. It'll happen when it happens.

[BobbyJoeCool]

That depends on the level of expertise you want. I'm not the dance expert' date=' but you would probably see the difference in just a few lessons, once a week with a little practice time as well. If you want to go on tour you better commit to a few years of daily lessons.

 

And for anything you REALLY want, you make the time. Isn't that the way it always is? We complain we have no time but when something comes along that we absolutely need to do, you find the time. You just have to decide how much TV or video games or clubbing or couch sitting or reading or hanging you're willing to give up.[/quote']

 

I'd love to be able to dance, to "woo the girl" as it were. My best friend (girl) always want's to go dancing, and I'd love to go with her. I mean, I don't feel I need to be like Adam in "A Blast from the Past" or anything.

 

I REALLY want to, but mostly my free time is at 1:00 AM or so. Like now, I'm neglecting my homework and I really need to get back to it. Otherwise I barely play videogames or watch TV.

 

I think it'd be fun to be able to dance. I'll find the time sometime. I just have to find a teacher.

[Hellbender]

Dancing won't necessarily get the girl of your dreams like it seems, but it can help as an ice-breaker, like playing the guitar. I do neither of these, but instead in the past have relied on the "nice, smart understanding good-listener emotional support guy". I developed a lot of female friends this way, and a few girlfriends. I think more than anything, girls like confidence. You've probably heard it lots of times before. After this comes sense of humor. A woman needs a reason to intially want to have you around. And be yourself. That helps too. People can tell if you are not comfortable in your own skin, and this again leads to the confidence issue. This is really how I got the girl I am with today. Once you get past these, a girl can start to appreciate your other, not-so-apparent qualities. There's always hope, so don't give up. Like glider pointed out earlier, humans are primates, and primates are predominantly social animals. Your sanity won't survive long without inimate social interaction.

[Glider]

I agree with the being comfortable in your own skin thing. People can tell.

 

It's all very well taking part in particular activities like dancing and so-on, but these are just ice breakers. If you feel like an idiot when you dance, that'll come across, even if you're good at it. Any activity you undertake just to meet people will be artifice and that will show. Do things you like doing. Be open. Be honest with yourself, enjoy what you're doing and that will come across.

 

One exception is if you really like conversation. It's generally not a good idea to sit in coffee bars talking and laughing on your own, however much you enjoy it. For some reason, people really don't find that attractive.

[BobbyJoeCool]

especially if when someone askes who you're talking to, they respond, "the smartest person in the room: me." That really annoyed me...

[Lyssia]

Do things you like doing. Be open. Be honest with yourself' date=' enjoy what you're doing and that will come across.

 

One exception is if you really like conversation. It's generally not a good idea to sit in coffee bars talking and laughing on your own, however much you enjoy it. For some reason, people really don't find that attractive.[/quote']

 

Absolutely.

 

Although I'm a person who'll sit in a coffee bar (drinking anything other than coffee, mind) with a book. Books are usually much more interesting than anyone who might want to talk to me.

 

Oh wait...that's probably another reason why I'm single!

[mike90]

Lol @ Lyssia. But i know what she means. Seems like genuinely interesting people are few and far between, and usually married or something by the time i meet them =(

[Lyssia]

And then you get to my grand old age and you feel your ovaries shrivelling up (there's a lovely image for you) and you start thinking that there's really no point in meeting anyone anymore anyway because if you want a relationship to develop into marriage (and I do) and if you want children (and I do) then you do some simple arithmetic involving factors like choosing which country in which to live, PhD locations, what you can accept as being your daily language without you going crazy...you realise that your time is running out.

 

Books understand me better anyways. As does my research (pity I don't understand it terribly well at this point though ). And my maths. Oh, and God, He understands me quite a bit too - which is useful, eerlijk gezegd.

 

Oh dear, I'm code switching again. It's time for tea, some work, and to get the hell off the internet where all I do is scare people....

[coquina]

And then you get to my grand old age and you feel your ovaries shrivelling up (there's a lovely image for you) and you start thinking that there's really no point in meeting anyone anymore anyway because if you want a relationship to develop into marriage (and I do) and if you want children (and I do) then you do some simple arithmetic involving factors like choosing which country in which to live' date=' PhD locations, what you can accept as being your daily language without you going crazy...you realise that your time is running out.

 

Books understand me better anyways. As does my research (pity I don't understand [b']it[/b] terribly well at this point though ). And my maths. Oh, and God, He understands me quite a bit too - which is useful, eerlijk gezegd.

 

Oh dear, I'm code switching again. It's time for tea, some work, and to get the hell off the internet where all I do is scare people....

 

Don't talk to me about ovaries shriveling - mine went extinct about the same time as the Tasmanian Tiger. If time is running out for you, it ran out for me decades ago, and I won't accept that.

[Hellbender]

....And you can't be too young either. I met "the one" at the tender age of 20, and decided to marry her several months later. My friends all say I am too young, and that i should "live my life". But don't buy into that. You are never too young or too old to find love.

[BobbyJoeCool]

Ok. You can't be too young to find love, but you can be to in-experienced to understand what it truly is. You can be tricked into thinking you're in love when you're not because you really don't know what it is. You think you do, but you don't.