Dating

[herme3]

Woo, you've had a real turn around in what you're saying in this and another thread... what's happened to ya?

 

Well, I had the turn around in this thread a few weeks ago when bluesmudge figured out what I was really thinking about. I was trying to say it, but it just came out as a rant against dating.

[GutZ]

Well, actually I'm not sure if I wanted to ask her out on a date just because I "like" her. I think it might be more because I care about her. She's had quite a few ex-boyfriends, and none of them seemed to be very nice to her. She's such a nice and caring person, and I don't want to see her keep getting into boyfriend/girlfriend relationships where the guy ends up hurting her feelings at the end. I've seen it happen so many times, and I can tell how sad it always makes her feel. I guess that might be the main reason for everything I've said about dating in this thread, and other threads.

 

She has to learn that sort of thing on her own. You can't change the fact that she keeps picking the wrong people to date. She won't learn, life is rough and it can get far worse than bad relationships, I think personally it sounds like she needs to mature. You seem nice, probably responsible, and all those things. Reverse the roles here, say you were dating all these, "easy" women, and she liked you, but she nice and kind and that not really what your looking for. Now jump back to your normal self and view what advice you would give to her. Would you want her to constantly feel bad like you are now because of your (reversed role) decisions? So why would you put yourself in that situation. You both are human, your affection for her blinds you from seeing that you have equal value, and you don't have to chase her around. If your a nice guy she will eventually come to you.

 

Deep down though you know what you have to do so this all might be redundant, just stay truthful to yourself and keep your self worth at a respectable level.

[herme3]

She has to learn that sort of thing on her own. You can't change the fact that she keeps picking the wrong people to date.

 

I don't think she ever picks the guy, I think guys usually come to her because she is so beautiful. The problem is that the guys only seem to care about how she looks, and not about her feelings. The guy will pretend to be someone who is caring, and she will start to trust him. Then the guy's true personality comes out and he ends up hurting her feelings. I'm tired of seeing guys hurt her feelings, because she has such a wonderful personality. She is probably the most caring person I've ever met, but none of the guys seem to care about that.

 

You seem nice, probably responsible, and all those things. Reverse the roles here, say you were dating all these, "easy" women, and she liked you, but she nice and kind and that not really what your looking for. Now jump back to your normal self and view what advice you would give to her. Would you want her to constantly feel bad like you are now because of your (reversed role) decisions?

 

Well, I don't think she would ever want to be with a guy who isn't nice and kind. The problem is that the guy will pretend to be nice and kind, and then a few months later his personality will change.

 

You both are human, your affection for her blinds you from seeing that you have equal value, and you don't have to chase her around.

 

I don't think I have equal value. She seems like such a great person, and she also has lots of friends. All of her friends trust her, and know they can count on her if they ever need anything. Nobody would count on me for anything.

 

If your a nice guy she will eventually come to you.

 

Why would she come to me? She didn't even want to go on a date with me when I asked her.

 

Deep down though you know what you have to do so this all might be redundant, just stay truthful to yourself and keep your self worth at a respectable level.

 

I don't think that will work. She has gone on dates with lots of other guys, but she won't go on a date with me. I think I need to figure out why, and then see how I can change to become a better person.

[5614]

She has gone on dates with lots of other guys, but she won't go on a date with me. I think I need to figure out why, and then see how I can change to become a better person.

Nah.

 

By saying this you seem to value a possible future relationship you might have with her (bear in mind she has already turned you down once) is more important than your own personality AND her friendship.

 

You are more about what might happen, even though you've already tried and failed, then about what you have.

 

You should be able to have a best friend and not feel the need to go out with her.

 

=====

 

I mean, I say this and I'd probs wanna go out with her (although having said no once I'm not so sure)... but that's the obvious (and your) point of view. I'm just pointing out the other side here.

[herme3]

By saying this you seem to value a possible future relationship you might have with her (bear in mind she has already turned you down once) is more important than your own personality AND her friendship.

 

She is my best friend, but I'm not sure if she would consider me to be her friend. She probably just considers me to be another person in her school. She is my best friend because she is the only person who is always nice to me. However I don't think it is anything special that she is nice to me. She the type of person who is nice to everyone.

 

She has lots of friends who she probably cares about more than me. While her friendship is very important to me, I doubt it means anything to her. I could die today, and I doubt she would really care. By tomorrow, she probably would have already forgotten about me.

 

You should be able to have a best friend and not feel the need to go out with her.

 

Yes, but she is a very special person. She has such a wonderful personality, and she deserves to be with someone who will treat her with the respect she deserves. Yes, I do think she is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. However, the real reason why I want to go out with her is because I care about her and her feelings.

[5614]

Yes, I do think she is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

Can you send me a picture?

 

Well, remember that love is a two way thing. You clearly do love her a lot, but if she does not love you.........

 

Also you seem quite certain that you are the guy for her. If she disagrees then it cannot be. Although you could say she might change her mind. If, as you say, she does not consider you anyone special then maybe she will not change her mind.

 

It's really hard to know what to say. You don't wanna ruin your best friendship by asking her on a date (again) in case she says no. But on the other hand you seem quite obsessed.

 

There are some girls I would love to go out with but I know I never will. There are some girls I know who I know will always be a friend, but never a girlfriend. I think maybe you should accept the current situation which is that she does not want to go out with you. If she changes her mind it will become obvious to you.

 

Maybe if she saw you with another girl she would realise how much she does feel towards you. Or maybe you will realise that she is not the only girl in the world who is nice.

[herme3]

Can you send me a picture?

 

If I did, then she probably would be mad at me!

 

Trust me, she looks like an angel.

 

Well, remember that love is a two way thing. You clearly do love her a lot, but if she does not love you.........

 

Why would she go on a date with other guys, but not me? Is there something about me that I need to change? Perhaps she just doesn't know me very well.

 

It's really hard to know what to say. You don't wanna ruin your best friendship by asking her on a date (again) in case she says no.

 

How would it ruin our friendship? She will always be my friend even if she never wants to go out on a date. I don't think she would start hating me just because I ask her out on a date, would she?

 

There are some girls I would love to go out with but I know I never will. There are some girls I know who I know will always be a friend, but never a girlfriend. I think maybe you should accept the current situation which is that she does not want to go out with you.

 

I actually told her that I liked her a long time ago. Later, she asked me if I wanted to go see a movie with her, but then she realized that she had to work. She's never mentioned going to see a movie again. Whenever I mention going to see a movie, she usually tries to change the subject.

 

There was another time when she wrote me a note asking if I was going to a dance, and if I still liked her. I'm not sure if she wanted to go with me or not, but it didn't really matter. It was only a few days before the dance, and I couldn't have bought a ticket because they weren't selling them anymore. This was almost a year before I asked her out on a date, and she said "no".

 

maybe you will realise that she is not the only girl in the world who is nice.

 

Of course there are other nice girls out there. There is just something special about the girl I was talking about. I'm not sure how she is special, but she just is. Maybe it's just because I've known her for a long time.

[silkworm]

They often choose a girlfriend because of the way she looks, not because of her personality.

 

Wise up, kid. You generally have to take a girl for her looks because you won't be able to find one with a decent personality.

 

For all of this notion about Ms. Right and all of this idealism concerning human relationships... I used to think the same thing. The truth is, all that is bullshit. You'll figure that out for yourself. Just remember I told you and try to look surprised.

 

We're toys to each other, and we use each other to reproduce. That's about all of it.

 

You have to make yourself happy or you'll always be miserable.

[drochaid]

Wise up, kid. You generally have to take a girl for her looks because you won't be able to find one with a decent personality.

If any of you believe this abject crap, you have my sympathy. Please ignore such pathetic posts and move swiftly on.

[Bettina]

Wise up' date=' kid. You generally have to take a girl for her looks because you won't be able to find one with a decent personality.

[/quote']

 

Tsk Tsk Tsk...

 

Bee

[herme3]

Wise up' date=' kid. You generally have to take a girl for her looks because you won't be able to find one with a decent personality.

 

For all of this notion about Ms. Right and all of this idealism concerning human relationships... I used to think the same thing. The truth is, all that is bullshit. You'll figure that out for yourself. Just remember I told you and try to look surprised.

 

We're toys to each other, and we use each other to reproduce. That's about all of it. [/quote']

 

What a sad post...

 

If you don't care about the personalities and feelings of another person, how do you expect anyone to care about yours? Do you have feelings? If so, what makes you think that girls don't?

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

I'll admit that silkworm's ideology is what has caused the divorce rate to skyrocket so rapidly.

[JustStuit]

Don't forget the teenage parents.

[AzurePhoenix]

What a sad post...

 

If you don't care about the personalities and feelings of another person' date=' how do you expect anyone to care about yours? Do you have feelings? If so, what makes you think that girls don't?[/quote'] He does touch distantly on a point. Right now you shouldn't be looking for depth, not even relationships, but you should be just going out and meeting people on a regular basis. Have lots of empty meaningless fun (I don't mean go do irresponsible or unhealthy things!!!). Meet people, have fun, integrate yourself into the social fabric. Maybe then you'll be ready to start trying out relationships, and once you have that down, look for depth.

[Skye]

I met Ms. Wright about 4 years ago, close enough for me.

 

And I'm not just a toy, as it turns out I'm also various household appliances.

[herme3]

He does touch distantly on a point. Right now you shouldn't be looking for depth, not even relationships, but you should be just going out and meeting people on a regular basis. Have lots of empty meaningless fun (I don't mean go do irresponsible or unhealthy things!!![/i']). Meet people, have fun, integrate yourself into the social fabric. Maybe then you'll be ready to start trying out relationships, and once you have that down, look for depth.

 

Your post is nothing close to what silkworm said. He basically said that there aren't any girls that have good personalities. He seems to think that the only good thing about a girl is the way she looks. Aren't you offended by his comments? I believe that there is so much more to a girl than just her looks, no matter how beautiful she is. Girls are humans, so there are some with good personalities and others with bad personalities. If you are a good guy who is in a relationship with a girl with a good personality, I believe that she will care about you and love you with all her heart. Isn't that so much more important than just being in a relationship with a girl who looks good?

 

Silkworm also said that humans are just toys that use each other to reproduce. That is just wrong. I don't even want to think about having kids at the moment. I just want to be happy, and not feel lonely anymore. I want to know that a special girl who I love and care about also loves and cares about me. That is what I think true love should be about.

[AzurePhoenix]

Your post is nothing close to what silkworm said. He basically said that there aren't any girls that have good personalities

......

Aren't you offended by his comments?

Trust me when I say I had words with silkworm about this before but I'm just pointing out that right now' date=' meaninglessness isn't necessarily a bad thing. Definately don't take his advice and just use people to get what you want and leave it at that, and eventually you should look for someone you can really care about, but at this point, a meaningful relationship is the [i']very last thing you need[/i] and will not likely be healthy. Don't hop in the deep end of the pool when you haven't yet walked across a puddle.

[herme3]

A meaningful relationship is the very last thing you need[/i'] and will not likely be healthy. Don't hop in the deep end of the pool when you haven't yet walked across a puddle.

 

How would a meaningful relationship be unhealthy? If a girl is a nice and caring person, and a guy is a nice and caring person, what would be wrong with them having a close relationship with each other? Wouldn't they care about each other and have a happy relationship?

[silkworm]

If you don't care about the personalities and feelings of another person' date=' how do you expect anyone to care about yours? Do you have feelings? If so, what makes you think that girls don't?[/quote']

 

I never said that girls don't have feelings, and if you think that I'm a masogonist you've lost your mind. I have feelings too, but it seems as though your feelings are based in the ideals of romance comedies and not reality. I once had your ideals, but since then I've been a few places.

 

I'll admit that silkworm's ideology is what has caused the divorce rate to skyrocket so rapidly.

 

Can you cite that? An argument can be made that herme3s idealogy is what makes the divorce rate so high. No one should get married until they're living what's real and not what's ideal.

 

He does touch distantly on a point. Right now you shouldn't be looking for depth, not even relationships, but you should be just going out and meeting people on a regular basis. Have lots of empty meaningless fun (I don't mean go do irresponsible or unhealthy things!!!). Meet people, have fun, integrate yourself into the social fabric. Maybe then you'll be ready to start trying out relationships, and once you have that down, look for depth.

 

AP somehow manages to hit a Pinata underwater, blindfolded, and in the dark here. Climb the ladder boy.

 

And I'm not just a toy, as it turns out I'm also various household appliances.

 

Amen.

 

Your post is nothing close to what silkworm said. He basically said that there aren't any girls that have good personalities. He seems to think that the only good thing about a girl is the way she looks. Aren't you offended by his comments?

 

There are girls with good personalities' date=' just not very many. An equal statement can be made for men. Of course she's not offended, everyone loves her.

 

If you are a good guy who is in a relationship with a girl with a good personality, I believe that she will care about you and love you with all her heart.

 

If you want us to believe that you see women as people, as you seem to claim to, then why are you acting like they're robots. Women are complicated, sick people, just like all of us fellas. They're no one's angels. They're people, and generally selfish people, just like all people. You have to gain some perspective. Just like anyone, women have their own interests and someone as innocent as you will always have his heart broken by treating them like their somehow preprogrammed robots. Women fall in and out of love, do good and bad things, and at times smell horrible, just like everybody else. Put it into perspective.

 

I never said all there is to a woman is her looks. I said that's what's best to go on. Even if a woman "loves you with all her heart," she'll screw up, just like any normal person will. The difference between you and me is I'll be able to see it because I'm only attracted by her beauty, and not trapped or confused by it.

 

Anyway, herme3, I'm just warning you. Don't take it seriously. You need some spring training if you expect to function in the big leagues. Go get em, Tiger.

[silkworm]

Definately don't take his advice and just use people to get what you want and leave it at that, and eventually you should look for someone you can really care about, but at this point, a meaningful relationship is the very last thing you need and will not likely be healthy.

 

Whoa now. Just to make a point here, every one I've ever used is because I was asked to. I'm not some jerk going around lying to get laid. If I like a girl, and she likes me, we have a fling. What the hell is wrong with that? Is the honesty and reality too harsh? When it's over, it's over. Who cares? Why should I punish myself because of someone else's values?

[herme3]

I never said that girls don't have feelings, and if you think that I'm a masogonist you've lost your mind. I have feelings too, but it seems as though your feelings are based in the ideals of romance comedies and not reality. I once had your ideals, but since then I've been a few places.

 

If you have feelings, don't you want to find someone special who will care about you? Don't you want to have a happy relationship, and know that someone will always be there for you? If you do, don't you think that most girls would want the same things from a guy?

 

How do you explain all of the couples that stay together until the day one of them dies? It's because they found the right person for each other. They found true love, and they show that it isn't just some "romance comedy".

 

I think you are the one who needs to mature.

 

If you want us to believe that you see women as people, as you seem to claim to, then why are you acting like they're robots. Women are complicated, sick people, just like all of us fellas. They're no one's angels. They're people, and generally selfish people, just like all people. You have to gain some perspective. Just like anyone, women have their own interests and someone as innocent as you will always have his heart broken by treating them like their somehow preprogrammed robots. Women fall in and out of love, do good and bad things, and at times smell horrible, just like everybody else. Put it into perspective.

 

When did I say that women are like robots? I never said that all women have good personalities. In fact, I think this thread shows that I think the complete opposite. I said that a guy needs to find the right person for him. I also said that I found only one girl that I would ever want to go on a date with.

 

The difference between you and me is I'll be able to see it because I'm only attracted by her beauty, and not trapped or confused by it.

 

How am I trapped or confused by anybody's beauty? I keep talking about the girl's personality, not her beauty.

 

Whoa now. Just to make a point here, every one I've ever used is because I was asked to. I'm not some jerk going around lying to get laid. If I like a girl, and she likes me, we have a fling. What the hell is wrong with that? Is the honesty and reality too harsh? When it's over, it's over. Who cares?

 

Didn't that girl mean anything else to you? You are looking at relationships in such a shallow way. Didn't you care about her feelings? Didn't you want to know her personality better? Perhaps you should have taken the time to see if you have similar personalities and interests. She would have meant so much more to you if you had gotten to really know her, and you might have cared about her.

[Severian]

I'll admit that silkworm's ideology is what has caused the divorce rate to skyrocket so rapidly.

 

Actually, I think the divorce rate has soared because of people like herme3. They have unrealistic expectations of their partners (created by hollywood's representation of the perfect man or woman). They pretend to themselves that their current partner is perfect long enough to have a relationship and get married. And then when the first problem comes along and they see that their partner is not perfect, they scream 'divorce' and run for the hills. They think that the 'perfect soulmate' is still out there and this was just a silly mistake.

 

Well, that's not real love folks. Real love is when you stick by someone even though you know they are not perfect. Modern relationships need a lot of work to maintain, and need a lot of plaintalking, honesty and the ability to see your relationship (and your own feelings) for what they really are.

[Callipygous]

Actually' date=' I think the divorce rate has soared because of people like herme3. They have unrealistic expectations of their partners (created by hollywood's representation of the perfect man or woman). They pretend to themselves that their current partner is perfect long enough to have a relationship and get married. And then when the first problem comes along and they see that their partner is not perfect, they scream 'divorce' and run for the hills. They think that the 'perfect soulmate' is still out there and this was just a silly mistake.

 

Well, that's not real love folks. Real love is when you stick by someone even though you know they are not perfect. Modern relationships need a lot of work to maintain, and need a lot of plaintalking, honesty and the ability to see your relationship (and your own feelings) for what they really are.[/quote']

 

i agree.

 

silkworms ideology would definately not end in devorce, because it would never make it to marriage. he, and hopefully the girl too, understands that this was something to do for the fun of it. there are no illusions about being in love or any hogwash like that. two people, getting together for a fun time, and moving on.

[alice]

i agree too. no one is perfect. and geez! why would you want to marry someone who is the exact replica of an actor? he's like a clone.

[alice]

why are you people so fond of talking about love? is there nothing better to do?