Dating

[alice]

Wow. Sabbath, is that really you?

 

Herme...she said it all. You should listen to her...err...put into mind the things she just wrote.

 

Communication is a very important part of making that "bond". Like with me and my 9 year old friendship with a guy. No, I'm not in love with him or any of that mushy stuff...we are still friends up until now even though we weren't in the same section since my 2nd yr of high school. He is now in a college that is far from where I am. And we still communicate...I think it is in this span of time that our friendship will grow stronger. Same as your situation herme. You should do what we told you to...talk to her...send her a message through your mobile phone, or e-mail her...call her. Spend as much time as you can with her while school is not yet over. I'm sure it won't be hard to communicate with her if you are comfortable with her and she comfortable with you...that her being reluctant, to show others that you are friends, is no more.

 

I suppose changing the way you are won't hurt. But as what sabbath said so...if you do not want to change, then don't. But if you do, do your best! Make sure you change for the sake of yourself. Change because you want to be a better person, change because that change is the real you.

 

May happiness come your way!

[1veedo]

This thread is emo.

 

 

Instead of spending time here, reading and responding to all these long posts and being depressed/discouraged/whatever, you could be out enjoying yourself. Kind of like how emo kids listen to and sometimes even write crappy music, sulking in how pathetic their lives are.

[herme3]

If she is the popular girl that you say she is...then ask her for tips on how to change the way you are. To change the way you look or the way people look at you.

 

I think this is a good idea. How should I ask her? She is my best friend, so I don't want to ask her in a way that would make her feel uncomfortable.

 

Just wondering herme3' date='

When did you first ask a girl out?[/quote']

 

The first time was over a year ago. She already had a boyfriend, but she seemed happy to know that I liked her. The second time was just a few months ago when she didn't have a boyfriend. I sent her an e-mail just asking if she wanted to go out on a date with me. She replied and said "no" and she also warned me not to ask her again. The next day, neither one of us mentioned the e-mail. We haven't talked about it at all.

 

As for writing about death' date=' suicide, darkness..I've been there, and actually I still find it hard to write about happy and light things. The fact that I've been writing about them, and trying to solidify the thoughts in my head has helped me cope with the turmoil and loneliness inside me.

 

People think that's alarming. For me, it's just expression, and it helps.[/quote']

 

That's also why I wrote the poems. It really made me feel better to write what was on my mind.

 

Herme3 if you still like her despite this, then maybe you're blind or you genuinely have accepted her for who she is. You decide.

 

I have accepted her for who she is. I know that she isn't perfect. However, I do know that she's a good person. She's the best person I know, and that's what matters to me.

[Lance]

Ask her if she wants to hang out sometime. Is she says sure then ask for her phone number (regardless of whether you already have it).

 

Basic rules of dating:

 

1) people don't change, so don't go into a relationship with the intent of helping another person

 

2) NEVER change yourself for another person. If somebody doesn't like you the way you are then that is their problem, NOT yours.

 

3) If somebody rejects you then it is their loss and don't deserve you anyway.

 

Also, if you don't value yourself why should anybody else. If you see yourself as a loser why would anybody see you as anything else? You must change your self image before the outer.

[mike90]

And people with attitudes like 1veedo's are why a lot of people who feel that way are so afraid to open up or talk to anyone. Other people's depression may be boring or repetitive for you to listen to, but guess what? It's not much fun for them either. And just one more judgemental person saying in effect " just get over it" does not help. Herme i suggest you do try to maintain contact with this girl, but like everyone else said go easy on trying to get her to go out with you, at least for now. It's clear you could use some change in your life, but don't try to change to make anyone else happy. Start tryin to find more things that make YOU happy first

[herme3]

Ask her if she wants to hang out sometime.

 

That sounds weird. If someone asked me that, I wouldn't know what to think. Hang out where?

 

ask for her phone number

 

That would seem weird. She might think I'm a creepy murderer or something.

 

NEVER change yourself for another person. If somebody doesn't like you the way you are then that is their problem, NOT yours.

 

This advice would be good for "normal" people, but nobody really likes me so I think it is my problem.

 

If somebody rejects you then it is their loss and don't deserve you anyway.

 

Yes, but everyone will reject me. Everyone at my school has a negative image of me. Lots of people think I'm crazy. I was talking to some other people, and I found out that some people know me as "the guy with glasses who never talks" and some other people know me as "the guy with the huge book bag who walks funny." Now, what girl would want to date a guy who everyone thinks is weird?

 

Also, if you don't value yourself why should anybody else. If you see yourself as a loser why would anybody see you as anything else? You must change your self image before the outer.

 

I see myself as a loser because that's how everyone else sees me.

[Callipygous]

That would seem weird. She might think I'm a creepy murderer or something.

 

if so, shed be stupid. you cant murder someone via phone.

 

 

Yes, but everyone will reject me. Everyone at my school has a negative image of me. Lots of people think I'm crazy. I was talking to some other people, and I found out that some people know me as "the guy with glasses who never talks" and some other people know me as "the guy with the huge book bag who walks funny." Now, what girl would want to date a guy who everyone thinks is weird?

 

you shouldnt ever change your personality for a girl. if, however, the way you act makes it impossible to have a normal, healthy social life... that maybe something you would choose to change.

 

by all means, work to be more comfortable socially... just dont change who you are for anyone.

 

 

i chose to ignore the rest of that post because its all just you finding a way to shoot down everything anyone suggests.

[DougBrummell]

okay, heres the deal as far as i can see it. . .

 

you should see a psychologist. . .no really, i do and i have plenty of friends and girls and whatnot, as far as im concerned everyone should. they are a great person to talk to even if it just allows you to "converse with yourself".

 

next, if a girl is less talkative or different around her friends, that is normal, welcome to women. if she is drastically different, even mean to you around others, she is not your friend. you should talk to her about it and if that doesnt resolve anything, move on.

 

speaking of moving on, you think too much about things. i spent a hell of a long time with a lot of people not liking me because they could tell i was just trying to fit in. ive since gave up that bs and just am who i am, and now ive just become the smartass mad scientist of the school. im neither all that attractive nor wealthy but i went out being myself and eventually i made friends just because they knew that they will always be talking to the same me.

 

lastly, your paradigm(sp?) on women is a bit skewed. for your sake i hope you find this one girl who is amazing and you marry her or whatever. but youre probably going to learn that thats not how it works. people date, people "date" (physical relationships), people just hang out, and people get married. most of the time you'll be part of at least a few of these different kinds of relationships, often multiple times. yes, people get hurt, yes people have to be attracted to eachother, and yes sometimes hearts get broken. but i can tell you from experience that even a fun, interesting relationship that only lasts 6 weeks easily outweighs the heartache that arises when it ends.

 

just go out and have some fun while you still have some time, and when it works out hit me up about it.

 

-Doug

[herme3]

if so, shed be stupid. you cant murder someone via phone.

 

The point is that asking for someone's phone number would sound creepy.

 

you shouldnt ever change your personality for a girl. if, however, the way you act makes it impossible to have a normal, healthy social life... that maybe something you would choose to change.

 

Yes, I think that is why I should change. I don't really want to change for one person, but I should change to improve my social life. I need to figure out how to be somewhat "normal". I always try to be nice to everyone, but I obviously need to do something else.

 

just go out and have some fun while you still have some time, and when it works out hit me up about it.

 

Yeah... If it works, I'll make another post here. You might want to check every 20 years or so, but don't get your hopes up.

[the tree]

If so, she'd be stupid, you cant murder someone via phone.

The words of a muderer truely lacking in cruel creativity.

I need to figure out how to be somewhat "normal".

I for one' date=' would never date a normal person. I require awesome or above.

Always focus on being better, not normal.

I always try to be nice to everyone, but I obviously need to do something else.

Being nice how? Of course, you should open doors for people that are carrying stuff and say ta' when they do the same for you. That's being nice and it's something that you should do anyways. But being sociable requires being a bit more pro-active, such as starting conversations out of more than just ettiquite.

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

The point is that asking for someone's phone number would sound creepy.

No, you're just very very very shy.

[Callipygous]

No, you're just very very very shy.

 

he might be right because of that.

 

given the fact that hes very very very shy, the way he would ask might come out creepy. if he could do it with a little confidence in a friendly way it would be fine though.

 

 

 

Callipygous

If so, she'd be stupid, you cant murder someone via phone.

The words of a muderer truely lacking in cruel creativity.

 

i know you were just trying to make some stupid point about my poor grammar making it ironic for me to call someone stupid, but if your gonna be a total douche about something you might as well go all the way. you forgot to correct the lack of an apostrophe in "cant".

[sabbath]

Yes, but everyone will reject me. Everyone at my school has a negative image of me. Lots of people think I'm crazy. I was talking to some other people, and I found out that some people know me as "the guy with glasses who never talks" and some other people know me as "the guy with the huge book bag who walks funny." Now, what girl would want to date a guy who everyone thinks is weird?

 

(Ok, I'll say something weird.) I would! Except for the fact that I don't date, so bummer.

 

I see myself as a loser because that's how everyone else sees me.

 

I don't agree herme3. That's no way to look at yourself. If you think you're a loser, how else are other people going to look at you? Thinking of yourself as a loser is in fact a loser's attitude. Please, for your sake, don't be like that.

 

Ok, answer this question. What makes you think you're a loser?

 

What have you got that makes you so worthless?

[alice]

How to ask for her help? Easy! "Hey (her name)! I..uhm...I need your help...you see...you're a girl and all...and uhm...I trust you...so uhm...can you...uhm...somehow, give me a make over?" Trust me, it won't sound weird. If she is the girly girl that she is, then she'll probably jump for joy and say, "Shut up! I've been itching to do that for a long time!" If she asks why, tell her you need a new image and that you're sick of seeing yourself look like a loser, and be a loser. But of course, it's not only your appearance that needs a makeover. You need to change that loser attitude of yours! You'll never get anywhere with that attitude of yours!

 

By the way, asking for someone's phone number is not creepy or weird. It is the first step in socializing, or in dating. At least I think so...I wouldn't know, I've never asked for someone's phone number because I wanted to date them or be something with them. I've only asked for phone numbers for convenience's sake, for school purposes and the like.

[sabbath]

Oh men...alice I fear you've been watching too many reality tv shows.

 

Stop watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!

 

Stop watching Ambush Makeover!

 

Stop watching Project Runway!

 

Stop watching America's Next Top Model!

 

I tell you, STOP!!!

 

It shows!

 

[Cloud]

i know you were just trying to make some stupid point about my poor grammar making it ironic for me to call someone stupid, but if your gonna be a total douche about something you might as well go all the way. you forgot to correct the lack of an apostrophe in "cant".

 

I think he was implying that its a stereotype. He corrected some of your spelling possibly because of perfectionism. But what do I know?

 

Herme3 - you're not a loser. I think you'll find that after not talking socially for a while - you become inclined to stay in that zone and that mentality. Because you're comfortable in knowing that nobody expects you to talk so you don't really have to. Its as if its harder to go back to the beginning as it is to keep going on into the zone (of being a shy quiet person).

 

I agree with you on the phone thing. I understand that it could be wierd.

 

I really don't have any advice for you. This isn't something that can be solved in months (as regard to what I've explained). Its one of those vicous circles in life. Once you're in - you're in.

 

Sometimes what makes people shy could be a disability (handicap of somekind) that makes them less sociable. (e.g. hard at hearing, obeisity and in your case myopia.) These things prevent you from being yourself and force you into a more isolated role in a group. It can make you feel as if nobody wants you to be around and that you'll just get in the way of people's fun. Its this kind of thinking that has to be abandoned. You gotta open up. It doesn't matter the consquences. You have to practice "being yourself." It sounds wierd - "practicing being who you already are."

 

Am I right in saying the situation present - you want this girl but you've only a few days of high school left and she will be gone forever. So you need to establish a communication method to stay in touch with her.

What you could try is any e-mail address she may have? Have you tried this? Its less personal that a phone number, less important. Just ask casually acknowledging that you are a friend, a casual fiend, (not a close one) and you just want to KEEP IN TOUCH. This prevents you from coming on too strong, understand. That's it. Simple as that.

 

PS: When you go to college - you know what you have to do. Start walking out of the zone. Its an uphill battle but escape the zone. That's my best advice to you and the best anyone here is going to give.

[alice]

Oh men...alice I fear you've been watching too many reality tv shows.

 

Stop watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!

 

Stop watching Ambush Makeover!

 

Stop watching Project Runway!

 

Stop watching America's Next Top Model!

 

I tell you' date=' STOP!!!

 

It shows!

 

[/quote']

 

Oh darn! I've been exposed! You should've just kept quiet about it sabbath. You can't stop me from watching it, you know. It's actually quite fun to watch. Seeing people with their out of this world sense of style. And of course, there is nothing better on tv...I haven't seen any of my favourite cooking shows...so those makeover shows are my only choice.

 

What has America's Top Model got to do with makeovers? And Project Runway? Do I speak model now? Or designer?

 

Fine. I'll quit. I have to study in advance anyway. But I won't stop my anime watching. I'll keep a schedule, don't worry.

[Callipygous]

I think he was implying that its a stereotype. He corrected some of your spelling possibly because of perfectionism. But what do I know?

 

feel free to correct my grammar all you want. when you highlight it your trying to make a point.

[herme3]

I for one, would never date a normal person. I require awesome or above.

 

I think I must be the same way. In fact, I am so picky that there is only one girl that I would date.

 

Being nice how?

 

I always try to help people if they are having trouble with their school work. I also hold the door open for people when they are walking behind me, and I respond to people very politely when they talk to me.

 

Ok' date=' answer this question. What makes you think you're a loser?

 

What have you got that makes you so worthless?[/quote']

 

A few minutes ago, I was looking for a good picture of myself to put on my MySpace profile. As I was looking through the pictures, I came to the realization that I absolutely hate myself. I'm not sure why, but I just do. There's not one picture that I would put in my profile. I feel like the monster from the story "Frankenstein".

 

Perhaps the reason why I hate my own pictures is because I look so lonely in all of them. I might smile in the pictures, but I can tell that I'm not happy. I don't even look happy in the picture where I just got my new car, and that seemed like a happy day for me. I wish I had a picture of me with my best friend. It wouldn't matter what we were doing or talking about, just as long as she was with me in the picture. That would be a picture where I truly would be happy, and I could add it to my profile.

 

Unfortunately, the only picture of both of us isn't a very good one. It is a picture of the school cafeteria. My friend and I are sitting near the back, so you can't see either one of us very well. You can't see me at all because I'm blocked by another person sitting closer to the front.

 

Sometimes what makes people shy could be a disability (handicap of somekind) that makes them less sociable. (e.g. hard at hearing' date=' obeisity and in your case myopia.) These things prevent you from being yourself and force you into a more isolated role in a group. It can make you feel as if nobody wants you to be around and that you'll just get in the way of people's fun. Its this kind of thinking that has to be abandoned. You gotta open up. It doesn't matter the consquences. You have to practice "being yourself." It sounds wierd - "practicing being who you already are."

[/quote']

 

Perhaps you are right, and you gave some good advice. However, I've been practicing who I already am, and it hasn't helped me much in life. Instead, I seemed to have missed some of the best moments of teenage life that I never had the chance to experience because of who I am. For example, I've never gone to prom and I'm also the only guy I know who has never had a girlfriend. I don't even have regular friends to talk to outside of school. My family and the members of scienceforums.net are all that I really have.

 

What you could try is any e-mail address she may have?

 

Yes, I have her e-mail address and we sometimes e-mail each other. I could use her e-mail address to keep in touch for a little while, but she changes her e-mail address occasionally. I wouldn't know her new e-mail address if she changes it again, because she never sends me an e-mail to let me know she changes it. Whenever I send her an e-mail and she never replies, I will eventually ask her about it in school. Then she will tell me her new e-mail address. After school, how will I know when she changes her e-mail address? She doesn't purposely avoid giving me her new e-mail address, she just doesn't think about it.

[alice]

I guess she doesn't want to e-mail you.

[alice]

Well, herme..if she's not the one for you...then she's not. You can't do anything about it. There is a girl for you somewhere...and she'll like you for who you really are...no matter how crazy people think of you...or how weird you are...that's just the way it goes.

 

I've run out of advice.

[Cloud]

I don't get it. From what I understand your problem is YOU, yourself. Its not something that is out of your control. The actual problem is you. What a predictament.

 

You say you didn't go to the prom and you don't have any friends outside of school. The feelings mutual. I didn't go to no prom. In fact on prom night, I stayed home in front of my laptop listening to 'forever young' by Alphaville. But enough about that (e.g. no I didn't). The point is - you miss out on things. Just see it as an oppurtunity cost. Its not that big a deal.

 

Something you could try is synchronicity. Its no sure fire way but what you do is act like the person you're talking to. e.g. Same tone of voice, same attitude. (Obviously this would only work with males).

 

As for dating:

It seems to me this girl is making you miserable (passively).

This girl is controlling your life. I talked about establishing communication. Do you know what college she is going to? Just knowing this could provide some relief. (you know where she is).

 

I thought your problem would be more objective than 'just being the way you are.' Over the summer try getting a job (if you don't already have one). This will expose yourself to more people and improve self esteem, knowing that you're going out there and giving it all you got. Its just having the job, that boosts self esteem. Doesn't matter what it is. Having it and earning cash.

 

I don't know what it is you want us to say. Are you using these forums as a means to reflect upon yourself? Because we aren't really getting anywhere.

You say the problem is yourself (something which nobody else can advice you to solve - its you - we don't know who your are. Only you know).

 

Basically, find out what college she is going to. Give her your phone number (Thats your own personal mobile number). If you don't have a mobile - you gotta get one - you want this girl badly - I suggest you invest some money in gadgets. This naturally leads onto her number (what you couldn't ask for before because its suppposedly wierd) You see how it works. You've offered your number as a kind of 'collateral' to put it in weak terms. Chances are, she won't 'change' her phone number. The worst she can do is give you the wrong number.

 

Your intelligent so you've probably already thought of this. That's the best I can give - sorry.

 

You know what - just hang in there and It'll probably turn out alright. Concentrate on college (thats the best advice I can give you).

_________________________________________________________________

[herme3]

I don't get it. From what I understand your problem is YOU, yourself. Its not something that is out of your control.

 

Yes, but I'm not really sure what I should do or what should be changed.

 

Do you know what college she is going to? Just knowing this could provide some relief. (you know where she is).

 

Yes, she is going to the same one that I am. However, we have already scheduled our classes. I'm going in the morning, and she's going in the evening. Therefore, we will probably never meet again.

 

Over the summer try getting a job (if you don't already have one). This will expose yourself to more people and improve self esteem, knowing that you're going out there and giving it all you got. Its just having the job, that boosts self esteem. Doesn't matter what it is. Having it and earning cash.

 

I had a job. I was a computer specialist. However, I got the network and computers working so well that they didn't need me anymore.

 

I don't know what it is you want us to say. Are you using these forums as a means to reflect upon yourself? Because we aren't really getting anywhere.

 

It helps to just tell people what is on my mind. I have no one else to talk to, and keeping my thoughts inside can be miserable.

 

Give her your phone number

 

I tend to get really nervous when talking to someone important over the phone. I would much rather e-mail them so I can think about what exactly I'm trying to say, and find the best way to say it. Otherwise, I might end up saying something that sounds really strange.

 

Also, it might seem a little strange giving her my phone number. It will be easy if she asks me to sign her yearbook, but I'm not sure if she will. If she doesn't ask, it would seem strange asking her, "Can I please sign your yearbook?" However, it would seem just as strange handing her a piece of paper and saying, "Here's my phone number."

[Klaynos]

Please bear in mind whilst reading this I'm VERY shy, and feel for your herme3...

 

If I was in your situation what I would do is write her a short letter, nothing very deep just saying that you value your friendship, hope you still stay incontact out side of school, possibly ask her for the makeover stuff. Explain how you're too shy to say this IRL, and include your phone number...

 

Saying this I'm sure lots of people will start shouting about how a letter is a TERRIBLE idea, but I'm shy

[Cloud]

I had a job. I was a computer specialist. However' date=' I got the network and computers working so well that they didn't need me anymore.

[/quote']

 

Wow - you were made redundant? Thats kind off hard to believe- considering your age. I guess you were not economically viable.

 

Seriously - she's going to the same college as you.

I've had someone on my mind and I know for sure that this person ain't going to the same one as me - hell, I don't even know if the person's staying in the country. I don't really care. I care a bit. But I'm ready to forgot.

 

Probably - actually definitely out of my league. So I wouldn't really have a chance anyway. Btw - The pick up lines in the other thread don't help at all. Great work.*thumbs up*

 

BUT - I haven't given up. That's the point. I'm just moving on. Now that I think about it I kinda wasted some time dwelling on that person. You're also dwelling too much on this one person.

 

I think when you get into college (consider yourself lucky that she's going to the same one) I'm sure your perspective will change. I mean, this isn't high school. There's like 10x more people, possibly from all over the world.

 

It helps to just tell people what is on my mind. I have no one else to talk to, and keeping my thoughts inside can be miserable.

 

Yeah - sorry about that. I got carried away.

 

I can't do anything about telling you how you should change yourself because I'm in a similar situation as you. What I can tell you is stuff that you may not want to hear but ideally - you would be more comfortable around people if you had friends. That's just my view. People,generally, without 'friends' have crapped=up self esteem. I don't need to explain myself. Maybe you should work on this first before asking her out. That's something I have definitely confirmed (albeit in my mind) but I've definitely confirmed, girls don't usually go out with guys who are loners. I'm 99% sure (1% hope) that if I asked that person (that I was talking about before) out it would result in rejection (on the basis of being a quiet little urchin scaredicat-presumably)

 

So maybe thats something to work on before you ask her for anything (besides a date of course). I mean come-on, you go to the same college and you excuse is that she goes in the evening and you go in the morning. Isn't there a slight probablilty that you could be invloved in an evening session of somesort etc. Isn;y it possible that she might come in, during the day. You're going to see her again.

 

Anyways - I better shut up before I write somemore non-sensicle jibberish.

Maybe I've given you something to think about.