Need help with a girl. Girls and Guys please read this and tell me what I should do.

[RedAlert]

In my school, I had a best friend (who is a girl), who is now no more my best friend...

 

We were very close (but only as friends). One day I told her that I did infact love her (she said she didn't feel the same about me), and ever since then...we have not been the same. I already did know that she didn't love me that way, but I still had to tell her. I got taken over by this urge to tell her...and I don't know why.We had both professed our love for each other as best friends...and she even called me her "support and stability" once and I told her that I felt the same about her. But now all is lost....

 

Frankly, I don't care about my love for her as much as our friendship...which was really one of a kind. I want to tell her that, and I want to talk with her again...I feel so lonely without her...

 

She told me she needs some time, and that our friendship didn't have to end. I gave her time...and now it's been a week...but she is still behaving in a wierd maner.

 

I am unsure what I should do next...should I tell her that I miss her? Should I tell her that I am completely torn and crushed, not because she doesn't love me in the same way as I love her, but because I have lost her friendship?

 

Do you think she maybe doesn't want to talk with me ever again in the same manner as we once used to? We used to share every one of our happinesses, sadnesses...EVERTYHING.

 

I feel so alone and sad...and I have no clue what I should do...

[pink_trike]

Give her more than a week. Let her realize that you are respecting her request for distance, and let her come back to you when she realizes that you are respecting her wish and that she misses you.

[RedAlert]

Give her more than a week. Let her realize that you are respecting her request for distance, and let her come back to you when she realizes that you are respecting her wish and that she misses you.

 

What if she never comes back to me?

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

Go to the local apothecary and get a dram of poison for forty ducats or so.

 

(Romeo and Juliet moment)

 

 

Seriously, though, I suggest you wait it out. And I also suggest you don't go to a public forum with your problems. Other friends are your best bet for advice.

[Phi for All]

What if she never comes back to me?

Stalk her, write love poems in your own blood on Post-its and stick them on her locker.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are we back to reality now? Have we had a giggle? A nervous snicker perhaps? Good ('cause I was kidding about the blood part).

 

You've done nothing wrong, but you either shocked her or made her face something she knew but wasn't ready to acknowledge. You shouldn't be afraid to approach her and tell her

1. You're not sorry you told her the truth

2. You respect the fact she doesn't feel the same way

3. You're willing to give her time to recover but you want your friendship back - definitely different, damaged perhaps, but honest and out in the open

 

Friendships change and grow. You can get over being in love with her but you can't NOT love her. She's your best friend and she deserves to know that you value that more than anything else she may be to you.

 

OK, I've done my Dear Abby for the day.

[weasel54849]

I would give her time, give her some space. I wouldn't act like you are crushed, just try and let things get back to normal. Do the same things and hang out in the same places you use to. In a wile things shuld get back to normal. but give it time.

[Pleiades]

First of all, I recommend you subscribe to this newsletter http://www.doubleyourdating.com, and try to get a hold of the e-books and if you can the DVD or CD seminars. I know it sounds cheesy, but once you read the book, you will understand this guy knows what he’s taking about.

 

Confessing your love in this situation would probably have scared any girl off, even if she was interested in taking the relationship to the next level. Let me try and explain. When two people enter a relationship, they usually do not ‘love’ each other; rather they feel attracted mutual attraction, love comes later. By confessing your love, you force a girl to make a decision on the spot, you force her to ask herself “Do I really love this guy, or am I just attracted to him?”, and if she admits to herself that she does love you then the relationship is suddenly forced to become a lot more serious. If she isn’t sure about her emotions, then she will freak out and give you the lame excuse that she needs time to think. You certainly can’t expect her be sure about her emotions when you aren’t in a formal relationship. In my opinion, you should never say “I love you” if it feels like you are confessing, you should only be saying it if it is casual, and expected. You can be in a relationship for a long time before you need to actually declare your love.

 

It is also possible that she has never considered you as anything more than a friend, in which case, confessing your love does nothing but unbalance the relationship; it is extremely hard for her to stay friends with you when she knows you love her, but she doesn’t love you the same way. She may feel that it is unfair to you to be your friend when she knows you want something more.

 

You have done damage by confessing love; you can try to heal the damage by denying love, even if it’s a lie. I suggest you tell her that you don’t know what came over you, that you really didn’t mean that you ‘love’ her, you were just confused about what love means, tell her you just want to be friends. Alternatively, if you don’t want to lie, you can do what Phi for All said, and tell her that’s really how you feel, and you aren’t sorry about it, but that you’d rather go back to being friends than strangers. Tell her if she needs a friend you’ll always be there. Either way after you have said your bit, leave it alone, act friendly but disinterested, act like being rejected doesn’t bother you, no, act like you were never rejected. I don’t mean that you should ignore her, or be cold; rather I mean that you should not act needy and dependant, do not act crushed.

 

The chance is slim, but she may eventually come around when she needs a friend. At this point things will take time. I spent about a year not talking to my ex girlfriend in highschool, after that we became friends again, we both got over it and now I would say she is my best female friend.

 

On a different note, here are a few things that you should not do when you are trying to attract a girl: Don’t be needy or dependent, don’t be a wuss, don’t constantly look to her for approval, don’t force her to make all the decisions, most women want you to be a man, take the lead, make the decisions, and don’t make her do everything. Instead of “Where do you want to go to dinner?” you should say “Let’s go to <name of restaurant> for dinner”

 

Well, that’s my opinion, I hope some of it made sense, I could be wrong, especially since I don’t know much about your situation, I’m sure others will disagree with my advice, but oh well. Let me know if you want to talk about it in real time (chat or something).

[5614]

Give her time, but don't let her forget you.

 

If you see her around maybe just say hi and how are you? She might start talking and if she doesn't want to talk then it will probably be a bit obvious and fair enough, you can just say you need to go somewhere and that you'll see her around. It's a good ending and at least you tried and showed her you still want to be friends.

 

Going and having a long conversation with her might not be the best option, but just reminding her you are there and want her as a friend, by having these kind of short conversations you will still be in contact with each other. When she is ready the "how are you" question you ask will get a longer answer and she might ask other stuff and a conversation will evolve.

 

If you just totaly blank her then, well, you are respecting her request for space, but still...

[Severian]

All lasting relationships are built on a foundation of lies.

 

Go back to her, and tell her that you don't really love her after all. You were just confused (being at that boy to man stage) and mistook the urge for cheap meaningless sex for love. I am sure she will understand and you can both have a jolly good laugh about it.

 

Whatever you do, don't tell her you went to an online forum to ask your nerd scientist buddies what you should do....

[Pleiades]

I don’t know, I think it’s quite appropriate, relationships can be scientifically studied and analyzed, its just human behavioral science. The bitch is that it’s very difficult to look at your own relationship with someone and scientifically analyze what’s going on.

[bascule]

If there's some way to repair that kind of damage, I haven't found it. There are ways out of the "friend zone," but confessing unrequieted love for your friend is one of the two easiest ways to destroy a great friendship, the other being to wake up in bed next to them after a night of acute drunkenness. The best advice I can give you for now is to put her out of your mind and try to find someone new. Maybe after a few months or so, when your feelings for her have subsided, you can try to reconstruct your friendship.

 

Isn't it funny how girls can get all weepy and romantic over unrequieted love on movies/TV, but when they're actually confronted with it they just freak the f*ck out...

[1veedo]

She told me she needs some time, and that our friendship didn't have to end. I gave her time...and now it's been a week...but she is still behaving in a wierd maner.

Do not, EVER, take girls literally. They never mean what they say. To a girl this can mean so many other things than just "give me a week or so."

 

Anybody who's read David DeAngelo would understand why that's funny. She says give me time and you're like "Alright, I'll give her a week!" Lol. I'm supprissed Pleiades didn't say anything about that.

[ecoli]

Do not, EVER, take girls literally. They never mean what they say. To a girl this can mean so many other things than just "give me a week or so."

 

I know exactly what you mean. My girlfriend is always complaining that she's getting fat, and that when I see her eating bad foods, to stop her. The one time I made the mistake of doing so, she cried about it for a about an hour and refused to talk to me for the rest of the day.

[Bettina]

I know exactly what the problem is. To her, its no longer a friendship because she feels you were a friend for the sole purpose of building a relationship. Your entire friendship with her was based on someday you two being together in your own mind and when you told her, you let her down big time because she saw the friendship as one big lie. it wasn't something a friend would do. It was not part of the friendship.

 

The other problem is that you've made it uncomfortable for her. She can't say things like "Geez, I really like that boy over there" because you are with her. This is a weight she probably doesn't want to deal with. How can she put her hand on your shoulder or touch you as a friend or stand close to you without wondering if you will take it as a signal instead of friendship.

 

What you have to do is convince her that you have accepted her decision and intend to check out other girls for a relationship. You have to somehow prove to her that your feelings for her in "that" way will remain supressed but you can't accept not being friends. Thats the hard part because she knows those feelings are there. You've put her in a very tough spot.

 

My advice? Tell her what you told us in your opening post. In fact, (and this is where I disagree with the rest) I would show her these posts and let her make up her mind. You haven't come here for advice on how to win her love, you came here to try to save a friendship.

 

From what I read in your first post, I think you are honest, sincere, and very much worth keeping as a friend. I would never let you go if I was her. Friends like you are loyal and true.

 

Good luck cutie.

 

Bettina

[Pleiades]

I didn’t say it because it’s obvious to me; it’s an excuse I’ve heard before “I need some time to think” really means (in my case) “I’ve found someone else, and I’m just trying to end things with you without really having to formally break up”.

 

 

 

I know exactly what the problem is. To her' date=' its no longer a friendship because she feels you were a friend for the sole purpose of building a relationship. Your entire friendship with her was based on someday you two being together in your own mind and when you told her, you let her down big time because she saw the friendship as one big lie. it wasn't something a friend would do. It was not part of the friendship.

 

The other problem is that you've made it uncomfortable for her. She can't say things like "Geez, I really like that boy over there" because you are with her. This is a weight she probably doesn't want to deal with. How can she put her hand on your shoulder or touch you as a friend or stand close to you without wondering if you will take it as a signal instead of friendship.

 

What you have to do is convince her that you have accepted her decision and intend to check out other girls for a relationship. You have to somehow prove to her that your feelings for her in "that" way will remain supressed but you can't accept not being friends. Thats the hard part because she knows those feelings are there. You've put her in a very tough spot.[/quote']I couldn’t agree more.

[pink_trike]

By confessing your love, you force a girl to make a decision on the spot, you force her to ask herself “Do I really love this guy, or am I just attracted to him?”,

 

I'm curious if you are assuming that RedAlert is a guy. I don't see that stated anywhere in the post or in RedAlert's profile.

 

Aside from that, and the suggestion to lie, I think your post is very thoughtul.

 

My advice? Tell her what you told us in your opening post. In fact' date=' (and this is where I disagree with the rest) I would show her these posts and let her make up her mind. You haven't come here for advice on how to win her love, you came here to try to save a friendship.

Bettina[/quote']

 

Brilliant! Perfect. Wish I'd of thought of it...be as honest with her as you were with us. But I'd still suggest waiting a while longer.

[Pleiades]

I'm curious if you are assuming that RedAlert is a guy. I don't see that stated anywhere in the post or in RedAlert's profile.

You make a good point; I did indeed assume RedAlert was male. If RedAlert is female, well that would be one explanation as to why the girl in question is acting weird

 

Aside from that, and the suggestion to lie, I think your post is very thoughtul.

I don’t particularly approve of lying either, but that friendship isn’t to survive if she still believes RedAlert is in love with her. Lying isn’t necessary if RedAlert can truly change the way he(she?) feels about this girl, but that’s a pretty hard thing to do. Pursuing other relationships might convince her that RedAlert isn’t in love with her. Of course, once another person is involved, RedAlert may find no desire to return to the friendship.

[RedAlert]

Haha, I'm a male lol...

 

In any case, I told her exactly what I told you guys. I took a while to write exactly what I wanted to say, and sent it to her as an email...

 

Let's see what she has to say.

 

I hope this works....

 

I so hope I am friends with her again...

[Kermit]

I had a situation sort of similar but not quite a year and a half ago. I told a longtime friend of mine that I was in love with her, and supposedly she said it was mutual, but later it turned out she was just confused and then I dumped her. And nowadays she's been with at least 10 guys ever since and they all feel her up, though I couldn't care less.

The moral of this story: Any fat guy could get a girlfriend, but it takes a strong man to make a Purdue chicken satisfied.

[Bettina]

Haha' date=' I'm a male lol...

 

In any case, I told her exactly what I told you guys. I took a while to write exactly what I wanted to say, and sent it to her as an email...

 

Let's see what she has to say.

 

I hope this works....

 

I so hope I am friends with her again...[/quote']

 

I hope so too... If she says no, give me her email address.

 

Bee

[5614]

Did you mention this thread in your email?

 

I spose the fact that you sent her an email means she has time to think about it before replying.

 

Tell us how it goes and good luck mate.

[YT2095]

having been on the receiving end of impromptu "I Love You"`s in the past, and having done what she`s shes done also, I would seriously recommend that you DO give her the time she asked for.

[bascule]

What I can't figure out:

 

What if you've been trapped in the "friend zone" and a girl starts being much more ambiguous about her motivations towards you? Am I supposed to wait until she makes a move, or is there some kind of tactful way of letting her know you feel the same way (provided that is the case) without destroying your friendship if you're wrong?

[Phi for All]

What if you've been trapped in the "friend zone" and a girl starts being much more ambiguous about her motivations towards you? Am I supposed to wait until she makes a move, or is there some kind of tactful way of letting her know you feel the same way (provided that is the case) without destroying your friendship if you're wrong?

Ask her to describe the kind of guy she's attracted to. If it sounds kind of like you, when she asks about what attracts you to a woman, describe her.

[YT2095]

Am I supposed to wait until she makes a move

 

Yup!, it`s Tried and Tested, I`ve never once made the 1`st move on a girl ever, it`s always worked for Me!

 

although my wife thinks I`m "Blind" as I don`t recognise when a move is being made 9 times outa 10, but she`ll spot it?

prolly takes one to know one I guess