Need help with a girl. Girls and Guys please read this and tell me what I should do.

[5614]

Am I supposed to wait until she makes a move

I did that and it worked out against me with my first girlfriend (all that time ago!)... taking into account what YT has said I can only say it depends on the girl and that I don't think you're ever really gonna know which kinda girl you are dealing with until you find out the hard way.

 

I can see some people objecting to that last part I said, about never really knowing, I suppose you could argue that you should know someone well enough, but I'd argue back that from first hand experience some people, who you think you know really well, can really suprise you.

[RedAlert]

Haha...it's funny how this is slowly becoming a popular thread.

 

In any case, I still haven't received a reply from her...but knowing her, she'll probably talk with me on MSN, and not right me an email in reply. I haven't been on MSN for the past couple of days because of my mid-term exams...so I'll see what happens later on today. She's always on on Monday nights....

[Bettina]

Haha...it's funny how this is slowly becoming a popular thread.

 

In any case' date=' I still haven't received a reply from her...but knowing her, she'll probably talk with me on MSN, and not right me an email in reply. I haven't been on MSN for the past couple of days because of my mid-term exams...so I'll see what happens later on today. She's always on on Monday nights....[/quote']

 

I'm glad you think its funny. I didn't think it was when I made my initial reply so now I'm wondering how much of a problem it really was. If I lost my best friend, I would be devastated.

 

B

[5614]

I think the humour was in how a little personal problem turns out a long list of every possible answer, scenario, related examples, personal stories etc.

 

Also I think the fact that he may be starting to get over it is a good thing. Not as in getting over them (as friends or whatever), but getting over what actually happened, like a slow realisation as you come to grips with what happened, it's a good thing and in no way reduces the seriousness of the original situation.

 

When you're upset anything can appear funny and like I said, living in denial or accepting the truth (because afterall we can't really tell how RedAlert is feeling deep down) doesn't change the scale of the problem.

 

Guess we read his post in different ways...

 

Back to the post itself; RedAlert you seem to be relying a lot on emails and MSN as contact, now I think this depends on each individual but sometimes it can be better to talk to someone, either face to face or over the phone. I know it can be harder, because, well, I find it harder, but it doesn't change what I think. Although as I said earlier, maybe giving her time to think and leaving it for her to come to you is a good thing.

 

And have you not spoken to her since your last email? Not even a passing hello? I think you should, that is the passing hello, remind her who you are and that you're still interested, if she doesn't want to talk or now is not the time then she won't stop you from saying hi and walking off. I mean, don't walk up to her say hi and then off ya go, that would just be rude! But just say hi in passing, wave across a room, I don't know when you might see her. But don't let her forget you.

[donkey]

good luck dude

[Pleiades]

What I can't figure out:

 

What if you've been trapped in the "friend zone" and a girl starts being much more ambiguous about her motivations towards you? Am I supposed to wait until she makes a move' date=' or is there some kind of tactful way of letting her know you feel the same way (provided that is the case) without destroying your friendship if you're wrong?[/quote']If you can learn to make yourself attractive enough, you won’t have to make the first move, or tell her how you feel. If there is enough attraction she will make the first move, if she is shy, they you might have to take action. If she is too shy to make the first move then you should be looking at her body language and other subtle clues to see how she feels about you. It can be hard to what’s going on because you are so involved, try to step back and look at the relationship as a whole. It is often hard to see the forest for the trees; ask a friend if they think the other person likes you. If you are reasonably sure they like you, then just go ahead and ask them out, you don’t have to call it a date, or tell them you like them, just do something that takes it to the next level.

 

If you are trying to hook up with someone you recently met, you can go ahead and ask them out anyway, since you have no friendship to loose (this depends on the situation obviously), most of them will reject you, but you have to get used to it because the longer you wait after meeting someone, the more you have to loose by being rejected, which only makes it harder to ask them out.

 

The hard part is creating attraction, reading David DeAngelo’s books will give you a better idea of what women find attractive, but the biggest thing is confidence; it’s hard to be confidant when there is the fear of rejection, but an indecisive, wussy guy is not attractive.

[RedAlert]

So we talked.

 

And she said perhaps this friendship should come to an end.

 

Because I didn't give her the time she needed.

 

And that email freaked her out more too...she said that that was not called giving her time.

 

I told her I gave her some time, and then I got worried, so I tried to explain things to her. I also told her that I solve problems by talking them out, not keeping it shut inside myself, so I didn't understand exactly what she wanted.

 

She told me that I should stop talking about this, and just relax and shut up.

 

I shut up for a while, and then finally asked her: So this is at an end?

 

She said she doesnt know.

 

I said okay.

 

I think it's over.

 

I think I thought we were much closer than we really were.

 

I was too good to her.

 

I helped her in everything.

 

I think I am crushed.

 

But I am way more angry with myself.

 

My anger crushes the part of me that is crushed.

 

My anger is overwhelming, it wants to crush something.

 

I can't believe I was so nice to someone who would do this to me.

 

Who can't even understand me.

 

I deserve it.

 

I will learn from it.

 

It is over, I want it to be over.

 

Thanks for your help, everyone.

[bascule]

Unrequited love is a bitch. If you feel you're stuck in the "friend zone," you better get comfortable with it or terminate your relationship. In your case you involuntarily chose the latter, and let me tell you, I don't think the former is really possible. Trying to stay friends with a girl you love and not telling her how you feel is an like an emotional roller coaster... when she's having fun with you it's elating, and pretty much the rest of the time you spend thinking about her is hell.

 

All I can say is: time heals all wounds. You'll get over her and find someone else.

 

As for me:

 

Well, she used to talk to me about guys she was interested in. That was pretty much the most blatent hint I was in the friend zone. Have I mentioned that in the time I've known her I've had several male mutual friends who've talked to me about being stuck in the "friend zone" with her?

 

I just spent an awesome night with her the other day and thought something else may have developed, but having talked with her since, that doesn't seem to be the case. I just moved to a new town anyway so... time to move on.

[Jim]

Unrequited love is a bitch. If you feel you're stuck in the "friend zone' date='" you better get comfortable with it or terminate your relationship. In your case you involuntarily chose the latter, and let me tell you, I don't think the former is really possible. Trying to stay friends with a girl you love and not telling her how you feel is an like an emotional roller coaster... when she's having fun with you it's elating, and pretty much the rest of the time you spend thinking about her is hell.

 

All I can say is: time heals all wounds. You'll get over her and find someone else.[/quote']

 

Excellent advice. I would only add that you should view yourself as someone deserving of a wonderful mate. Do good things for yourself - work hard, exercise, play hard, have fun. Genuine, relaxed confidence is sexy. (I'm working on the relaxed part myself.)

 

One of my favorite lines in a movie is from Albert Brooks in Network News: "Wouldn't it be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If needy were a turn-on?"

 

I do not say this to mean that you should be arrogant or anything other than yourself. I'm not saying you should hide how you feel necessarily.

 

OTOH, if she just doesn't see being more than friends with you, you just have to accept her wishes and enjoy life knowing there will be another.

[bascule]

Well, I got introduced to someone new today although I have no idea where that will go

[donmatos]

wtf is this a love forum this is a sci forum if you want a love forum go to http://www.person.com

so i dont have to read this moshie stuff

 

cheer's

 

pedro matos

[Severian]

And that email freaked her out more too...she said that that was not called giving her time.

 

This was pretty obviously going to happen. Wouldn't you react in the same way? Imagine you had a friend who was a girl' date=' who you were not attracted to, but who suddenly declared undying love for you. What would you do? You would run a mile, because you would feel deeply uncomfortable with not being able to reciprocate those feelings. The email simply reinforced that. You made her feel small by your insistance of superiority - even willing to sacrifice your love for your frienship.

 

I hope this has been a lesson to you - quit navel gazing. Stop looking at things only from your point of view. Ask how you would react if put in [b']their[/b] position and try and have some empathy for the people around you.

 

I think the thing I find most disturbing, is all the bullshit people have been saying in this thread....

[organ]

I think she does not love you anymore, your love is end. Trust me, she just does not want hurt you when she tell you she needs some time.

[RedAlert]

This was pretty obviously going to happen. Wouldn't you react in the same way? Imagine you had a friend who was a girl' date=' who you were not attracted to, but who suddenly declared undying love for you. What would you do? You would run a mile, because you would feel deeply uncomfortable with not being able to reciprocate those feelings. The email simply reinforced that. You made her feel small by your insistance of superiority - even willing to sacrifice your love for your frienship.

 

I hope this has been a lesson to you - quit navel gazing. Stop looking at things only from your point of view. Ask how you would react if put in [b']their[/b] position and try and have some empathy for the people around you.

 

I think the thing I find most disturbing, is all the bullshit people have been saying in this thread....

 

Harsh advice, but true. I'll take it.

[YT2095]

Pity you didn`t take MY advice in post #22 then...

 

having been on the receiving end of impromptu "I Love You"`s in the past, and having done what she`s shes done also, I would seriously recommend that you DO give her the time she asked for.

 

non of this need have happened!

[RedAlert]

Pity you didn`t take MY advice in post #22 then...

 

 

 

non of this need have happened!

 

That is true too. I will bear this in mind next time.

[Bettina]

I think the thing I find most disturbing, is all the bullshit people have been saying in this thread....

 

That was uncalled for.... At least to me.

 

Edit... I don't know how old you are since your profile is a secret, but if your an adult, you may not know the minds of the young people.

 

Bettina

[Bettina]

That is true too. I will bear this in mind next time.

 

I'm popular and have many friends, but there are five of us who are close. Four girls and one boy who pal around all the time. Its been that way for three years now but we've known each other for years. We go places in a group for safety reasons as well.

 

If that boy should come onto me and I reject him. I would still want him as a friend if he still wanted to be friends. I would not want to lose him.

 

The point here, is that she wasn't as good a friend as you thought. Friends don't abandon each other no matter what and your not at fault here.

 

Bee

[RedAlert]

I'm popular and have many friends' date=' but there are five of us who are close. Four girls and one boy who pal around all the time. Its been that way for three years now but we've known each other for years. We go places in a group for safety reasons as well.

 

If that boy should come onto me and I reject him. I would still want him as a friend if he still wanted to be friends. I would not want to lose him.

 

The point here, is that she wasn't as good a friend as you thought. Friends don't abandon each other no matter what and your not at fault here.

 

Bee[/quote']

 

I have come to realize that too. How old are you Bettina?

[Bettina]

I have come to realize that too. How old are you Bettina?

 

Its in my profile... Just click on my photo.

[john5746]

RedAlert,

 

Aaah to be a teen again! I enjoyed reading this thread. I am assuming you are a teen or college age. I remember most people, including myself being insecure at this age. I still am in some respects, but nothing like then.

 

All I can say is:

 

1) Don't be afraid to fail. If you truly want something and it seems reasonable, go for it. If you fail, you at least tried and probably enjoyed the effort.

 

2) Learn from your mistakes. In this case, don't build a wall around yourself and never approach a girl again, but try to be more subtle about it. It is a game with rules and nuances that add to the excitement and frustration!

 

3) Remember that this girl also has insecurities and faults. If you truly care for her, you can accept that and continue to like her from afar. This is part of maturity.

 

4) You must respect her life and realize this problem is entirely yours. Give her space and maybe send her a card on a birthday or Christmas(not valentines!) saying "Your Friend Always." Don't talk about her with other friends, etc.

 

5) Love yourself! This is a hard one for some people, but it is very important. Don't expect someone to complete you or make you feel better. That will scare most people and you will more than likely be disappointed in the end.

 

You seem like a good person just relax and enjoy life. Go to a dance and hit on some girls you don't know. Have fun.

[herme3]

You need to let her know how you feel about the meaning of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. So many guys treat their girlfriends like crap. They just care about kissing and everything, while they don't really care about the girl's feelings. Your friend might think you are one of these guys. You need to let her know you aren't.

 

Let me tell you how I feel about a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It should be about two people who love and trust each other more than anybody else in the world. They should always try to get to know each other better, and want to spend every moment of their lives together. No matter how difficult or painful life might be, a truly happy couple will always have each other.

 

I hope that is the type of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship you would want to have with her. Of course, it is ok for hugging and kissing, but remember the true meaning behind the relationship. If you find a way to tell her that you want a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with a deep meaning, I’m sure that she would want to be with you. It might take a long time, but never give up. Just keep trying until you earn her trust.

 

You might want to send her a poem that tells her how you feel and what type of a relationship you want. I’ve written poems that have won awards and have been published in books. Here is a poem I wrote that you can send her, and you can say that you wrote it.

 

Here’s the poem:

 

(Insert girl’s name), it seems like I have known you for so long.

You have always been there for me.

You have made my life worth living.

You are someone that I can always trust.

 

Friends come, and friends go.

But you mean so much more to me.

I wish I could find a way to tell you.

You are the only one for me.

 

I don’t care what you say to me.

I just wish I could hear your sweet voice for the rest of my life.

It doesn’t matter where life takes us.

I just want to hold you in my arms forever.

 

No matter what mistakes you make in your life.

My everlasting love for you will never fade away.

Whenever your life gets too painful to carry on,

I will carry you while you cry in my arms.

 

I just wanted to tell you how I feel.

I hope you will understand what is on my mind.

Even if you decide to never talk to me again.

You will always be the girl in my heart.

[Severian]

Edit... I don't know how old you are since your profile is a secret' date=' but if your an adult, you may not know the minds of the young people.

[/quote']

 

I was young once too, but I was never quite so naive.

[Phi for All]

I was young once too, but I was never quite so naive.

I think naivite is remembered accurately in reverse proportion to our age. What are you, like, a hundred?

[GutZ]

So we talked.

 

And she said perhaps this friendship should come to an end.

 

Because I didn't give her the time she needed.

 

And that email freaked her out more too...she said that that was not called giving her time.

 

I told her I gave her some time' date=' and then I got worried, so I tried to explain things to her. I also told her that I solve problems by talking them out, not keeping it shut inside myself, so I didn't understand exactly what she wanted.

 

She told me that I should stop talking about this, and just relax and shut up.

 

I shut up for a while, and then finally asked her: So this is at an end?

 

She said she doesnt know.

 

I said okay.

 

I think it's over.

 

I think I thought we were much closer than we really were.

 

I was too good to her.

 

I helped her in everything.

 

I think I am crushed.

 

But I am way more angry with myself.

 

My anger crushes the part of me that is crushed.

 

My anger is overwhelming, it wants to crush something.

 

I can't believe I was so nice to someone who would do this to me.

 

Who can't even understand me.

 

I deserve it.

 

I will learn from it.

 

It is over, I want it to be over.

 

Thanks for your help, everyone.[/quote']

 

 

You know....

 

(Story time)

 

I was always a quiet child who was always happy. I had purity. FF 20 years later and I am pretty "thick skinned" mentally and physically too. Well being slightly derranged helps. My past is not important, what is important is that I've been through alot and Ive seen relatives go through alot as well, and know that even my parents life had been worse.

 

Point is...Everyone of us still exists, and we push forward everyday. Bad things happen, this wont be the last problem you will ever face. You will get stronger from it. Pain is only temp. if a) you are true to/respect/"love" yourself and b) Don't run infront of transport trucks.

 

Another thing is your definition of love needs to be examined. That gets people into trouble all the time. Especially at younger ages. You cant just sum up feelings of attractions for someone as love. I find it hard to believe someone can love and not be loved back by the person in question. Why? well I guess experience has good wieght. Its nothing I can explian, since I dont even think I know what it is. I mean if its something like a "crush" or a deep attraction you play mind tricks on yourself when you are convincing or association the two as one.

 

Maybe I am a bit too pessitmistic and my way only works for me. You will be fine, If your young, confusion is normal, just think it out. It's normal. You know like when your alone at night *wink* *wink*