Infatuation

[Daecon]

...damn.

 

I know it's completely stupid and irrational and such, but there's a guy I've not really chatted with that much, and don't really know, but I have these stupid adolescent feelings for him based on nothing more than a few photos and a few messages.

 

It's ridiculous, I've chatted with loads of sexy guys with hot pics and haven't felt like this with anyone else, (I don't even KNOW him!) but I *have* been in a situation like this before...

 

With someone else that I fell in love with. (In fact, the *only* person that I've ever truly fallen in love with, but that's beside the point.)

 

So I should recognise the warning signs of unfounded infatuation and keep well away, but I just can't bring myself to do so!

 

*sigh*

 

Any advice, anyone...?

[ydoaPs]

try talking to him more to get to know him better.

[mimefan599]

Wait, are you a guy or a chick?

[Glider]

Does it matter? The problem remains either way.

 

Transdecimal: If you are sure it's an unfounded infatuation, then you need the willpower to stay away. Not easy, but way better in the long run.

 

If you are not sure it's unfounded, then get to know him and find out.

[mimefan599]

Does it matter? The problem remains either way.

 

of course it matters. women and men act way different when it comes to things like this.

[Glider]

True, but the problem (if I read right) is whether or not this infatuation is unfounded. The first step towards a solution I think, is to find that out first, before doing anything about it.

 

Transdecimal asks if he should 'recognise the warning signs of unfounded infatuation'. I think he needs to reflect on those signs and decide. If he decides it is unfounded, then he needs the will power to stay away. If he can't decide whether or not his feelings are unfounded, then he needs to find out.

[sabbath]

think whether it's gonna hurt you or not.

 

if it will eventually lead to pain because...the guy/gal may not have the same infat with you...juggle your choices.

 

do you want to get hurt? (men, that was lame)

[Royston]

Any advice, anyone...?

 

If you are truly infatuated, yeah...stay away. It's more than likely (although I don't really know you) that you'll come across as dependant on that person, which'll scare 'em off...wait for the feelings to pass so you can think rationally about it.

 

There was a time recently where I wanted to ask a girl out at work, the more I put it off the more I seemed to like her...until I was this gibbering wreck everytime she was in the same room as me. So through my cowardice I became almost infatuated with her...I did ask her out in the end, but she had a boyfriend, and now I don't have a clue what I saw in her. If I hadn't built things up in my head so much, I would of been fine.

 

Ok, that kind of contradicts what I said, but if you give it some time you'll probably see things a little clearer...and not turn into the ravenous beast I turned into.

[YT2095]

well the way I see it, you have 2 choices basicly.

 

1) hold your peace

 

2) tell them anyway on the condition that you`ve established they are mature enough to handle it.

 

there`s nothing else that can be said based upon the data you provide

 

for instance, are they Gay also? are they Seeing someone Currently? etc...

all the things that would make it an "Impossible" relationship, and let you in for a fall

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

My typical advice for this sort of situation is simply "wait and see what he's like, and then go from there." If the person turns out to be a complete idiot, then you should stay away, but you may find out that they really are a nice person. The best way is simply to wait and see.

[Phi for All]

Sometimes infatuation is the goal and not the by-product.

 

Why haven't you tried to get to know him better? Is he better in fantasy or in reality? Do you think you may already know the answer and feel it's better to leave it at infatuation?

 

Infatuation is NEVER unfounded. It may be pointless or destructive or it may lead to friendship or deeper feelings but in any case it has a purpose, even if it's just a dreamy one.

[Daecon]

Thanks everyone. He's about 10 years older than me and we've only been speaking a short while, I'll suggest meeting him for a drink in a cafe one morning and see how things go.

 

I don't want to ask too much about him as I'll feel like I'm being too pushy and such...

[ydoaPs]

any update yet?

[Daecon]

No, he's away for about a week, although I did promise to buy him a coffee when he gets back, and he's going to take me up on my offer...

 

But at least being able to meet him properly is promising, then I can find out if this impression I got of him from online is the same as the impression I'd get from him in person.

 

It almost feels like some kind of "intuition" about him, does saying something like that make sense?

 

(BTW - Yes, I am a guy.)

[alice]

your a guy...and this person your infatuated with is also a dude?..okay...tha't something...just don't keep your hopes up. you might get disappointed.

[insane_alien]

the fact that they are both dudes doesn't really make much of a difference. either the other guy is interested or not. i'd be wary about going for someone you know little to nothing about. chances are it'll be fine but you never know.

[Royston]

I think the quicker men and women realise that they act very similar in relationships to any given situation the better. One example, I remember listening to women at work complaining about their hubbies moaning about being ill, then 5 minutes later they're the ones complaining about minor ailments they have...men and women seem to moan about exactly the same things, and moan about the other half moaning about exactly the same things.

 

I'll just throw another moan in for good measure, make that two...moan.

 

I know that's a huge generalization, but to me there seems to be an element of truth there.

 

Sorry to Transdecimal for going off topic, and good luck ! Hope your infatuation isn't unfounded.

[mr d]

hello

 

well you recognise the signs as in fatuation which is well and good for a start. but i'll add since this is a science forum let the scientist in you out and try to analyse the causes for your infatuation and determine the sources, physical and psychologically, that are being created here. a bit hard to disassociate yourself from your feelings, but act as your a observing a lab specimen.

if you reason them logically out you might fine out information about yourself, and if there truely is a reason to continue with your interest in this person.

 

though logic and reason have little application in affairs of the heart.

 

mr d

[Daecon]

That's why I'd been trying to do.

 

The situation in which I know this guy is identical to how I know half a dozen others, yet I can't determine why my feelings in this case are different.

[rakuenso]

i haven't been this confused in ages.

[cookienz]

Is it possible to anaylse the physical causes of infatuation from self-analysis?

 

Maybe the psychological drivers but I"m not so sure about the physical drivers (although maybe the physical consequences).

 

I tend to lean towards the need to be loved and have self-validation from another often leads us to being infatuated; or it could just be the thrill of the chase.

 

Having noted that though, I query the "realness" of the internet. My experience of it tends to be either for sexual hookups or for daydreaming of the possibilities. Then, again, having noted that - "love", as I understand, is a different concept from "physical attraction" and the internet (ie the "falling in love without meeting") may provide evidence that "lust" and "love" are different things and that it's possible to "love" someone totally without there being that initial "lust" "night-club" factor.

 

Although does that unconfuse things?

 

 

Oh, and how did coffee go?

[sunspot]

The phenomena is fairly straight forward. What has happened is that personality software has become activated. It will force forward data within the imagination that puts you in the infaturation mode. One good analogy of such software activation is insomnia. Although the ego would like to sleep the software is feeding forward ideas and fantasy that are hard to shut off often requiring drugs for many people.

 

The infatuation software works the same way but has its own agenda connected to bringing two people together. The problem is that it will be projecting from within to satisfy your unconscious expectations making it hard to see the full reality of the person. That why it is not uncommon for people in love or infatuation to only be able to see the goodside when they are in love. They will not be able to see objectively but will see what the software wants them to see to asure the goal; bond. Maybe a good stategy is get a second opinion. Have a girfriend sit nearby to look objectively at the same person to see if the inner projection is the same as the person. It could well be or not.

[mr d]

hello

 

hmm.. try this perhaps, the sherlock holmes method of logical deduction.

start with physical properties, body shape- facial structure- hair color and style-, age-,

eye color... run the list. what is the cause of physical attraction.

move on to social context, relationship status of other individual, such as availablity

(are you the type of person attacted to the unatainable). social levels of individuals due

to monitary status. status by education. do they provide what you consider yourself to be lacking.

the emotional context, or how they make you feel. does individual provide emotional support

percieved lacking in previous relationships. what is your own emotional state, are you looking to be infatuated.

your projections on to percieved current and future context of relationship. have you developed based upon limited knowledge of the individual in question, a fantasy relationship as to how you believe a relationship will play itself out. are they evaluating your state and manipulating your emotional being.

 

remember to paraphrase holmes. 'after you've eliminated the possible, whatever's left no matter how improbable is usually the truth.'

 

mr d

[sunspot]

The personality software for infatuation is collective human. Everyone will go through this, with strong manifestations most memorable. The way it is suppose to work is that this is only half of the software. Another person will contain the other half. Under ideal conditions, the two software will interact with the egos sort of mediating. The whirlwinds of romance are not something the ego is in control of. If anything it is being toss about like a ship on the sea.

 

The ideal situation can lead to those few times within life that one will always treasure. The software activation and dual software interaction is something one can not make happen, for the most part. But when it does happen, it is a special time, progressing to the activation of the software connected to falling in love. The falling in love software is very collecitve and places one in an imaginary place outside of time. One can read about love from 100 or 1000 years ago it is essentially the same because it is part of our collective human software.

 

The pitfall of infatuation software is that it needs the two halfs to work properly. Often only one half of the software is active (one person) with the other person trying to keep the software shut off for many reasons; fear of letting go, losing ego control, married. Another set of problems is that the wrong complimentary software can also become activated within the other person creating cross-wired results. The most common between men and women is lust and love software. These two can overlap but will never quite synch. It often turns into some type of dependancy.

 

As far as the guy your software is inclining you towards be cautious in the sense of internet preditors. Bring a friend along, even at a distance. If he is cool let the software dynamics progress slowly. This will help you figure out if you are one-sided projecting.