Problems at home!

[Squintz]

I fiance has a 3 year old daughter who crys every morning before she has to go to her fathers house. I also was raised in a situation where my parents were divorced and i never wanted to go to my fathers because his house was not any fun and all my friends were at my mothers house.

 

My fiance is flipping out because she thinks that her daughter crying every morning before going to daddys is a sign of abuse. But she has no physical markings on her and when we pick her up from her fathers house she is as happy as can be.

 

She is a very intelligent 3 year old and we have tried asking her why she does not like going to her fathers house. My fiances Aunt has sugested us taking her to a therapist but me and my fiance both think that it would screw up her mind even more.

 

What is all of your opinions.

[YT2095]

maybe she fears change?

 

this isn`t my area though, Gliderrrrrrrrr

[blike]

glider is the "stick electrodes in your brain" (as he put it) kinda psychologist, not really a therapist.

 

how often does she go to her father's? I don't know if any of us could have any real advice, other than getting her to tell you why she hates it :/

[Squintz]

She goes Monday Wednesday Friday from 8:30am to 6:30pm and then every other weekend he has her from friday at 8:30am until sunday 10am

 

He pretty much gets to see her more than we do because he only works part time and most of that is at night when we are supposed to have her any ways. I know nobody can give me an answer since there are to many factors that play into this type of situation but i was hoping that someone could give me some ideas of how to "trick her" into telling my she does not like it.

 

I found that if i say things like

 

Do you not like daddy because he is mean to you.

Or

Do you not like daddy because he doesnt play with you.

 

Just gives here a way out and she agrees with whatever i say. She is 3 years old and speaks very well for her age. Having a conversation with her would work in this case but the problem is trying to get the conversation started and to get her to relax and be comfortable enough either with me or her mother so that she will tell us actually why she hates going there.

 

I must state that maybe twice in the last year she has not argued with us while going to her fathers. I have heard her say many times "Mommy i dont want you to goto work" Making me think that she just doesnt want mommy to leave and that makes me think that everything that happens with her father is normal.

 

I also thought that maybe he is just not as fun as mommy but living with her mother i know that her mother is not all that fun either.

 

Me her father and her mother have all talked about the situation but the conversations have all lead to guessing games. The only one that knows for sure why she doesnt like going is herself

[YT2095]

at the risk of sticking my neck out here.

I don`t think HERE (SFN) is a place you`ll get the answer from to be honest, a propper Child Psychologist would be your best bet in my opinion (and probably the opinion of some others here to).

I wouldn`t delay though, make a call 2moro morning, see if you can get it sorted

[Squintz]

im scared of psych's

 

I live with my fiance's aunt who was raped and has been seeing a psych for years now. And from my own finding iv noticed that the psych visits screw her up even more every time. So if i were to talk to a psych it would be on my own and not with my future step daughter or her mother.

 

Everyday i here things that her therapist has told her and im like woooahhh what the hell was he thinking... i cant think of any examples right now but there are several. Im not sure that a therapist knows anymore than the rest of us.

 

I was once told and i do beleive that psych's are nothing more the people who put fancy terms to everyday problems.

 

But i will take you advice and hope that you are right. I will call a psych tomorrow and see what he has to say. But i will not take my 3 year old there as i do believe it will only make things worse. Seriously how do you explain to a 3 year old that you think she has some type of emotional problem and in order for you to help her she has to goto a doctor who she does not know and spill her guts.

 

I think she would much rather spill her guts to someone she trusted like her mother. Like i said im sure whatever the reason is its probably having to do with the relationship between the daughter and father. The father and mother were never together durring the daughters life so she isnt used to having her dad arround. I think you were right when you said she is afraid f change. I know i hated getting tossed back and forth between mother and father. It sucked and thats why i would never force my kids to visit me if they didnt want to. Although im not a single parent so i cant speak from experience. I have only lived the side of the child.

[Kedas]

Hi,

 

I don't know but I can give some experiance with a dog. (Sorry the comparison)

I just want to tell you that it could be something simple.

 

Our two golden retreivers love to go away with the car because they know they will go to the forrest or sea or just a visit with new people, etc.

 

They jump in the back of the car but a while ago we couldn't get the youngest one in the car and he was shaking on his lakes when we did put him in there ourself. And he was also very happy in the forrost,sea,etc.

 

Some scary experience must have cought him when he jumped in the car.

(we never knew what it was but eventually he learned again that it was save to jump in the car)

 

Maybe she links the move with some scary thoughts. trying to figure out what it is won't be easy I guess.

 

Why they don't live in one home isn't easy for a child to understand.

 

That her mother is scared to sent her to her dad is surely increasing the effect. children aren't stupid.

 

Just my opinion it's not my domain.

[Squintz]

I figured if she had a concrete reason such as her dad hitting her she would tell us even if were something that happend in the past. But she has not told us anything of that nature and we have not seen any of the signs of physical abuse.

 

IMO i think my fiance's aunt, who hates the father and watches the daughter everyday that the father does not have the daughter, Has in some way influenced the daughter into thinking that her father is not a good person. With the aunts psycological problems she often talks to people not even knowing that the daughter is arround listening. Im scared that on more than one occasion the aunt has said something to someone and the daughter has picked up on this.

 

I know that on more that one occasion the daughter has been present while a conversation like this one has came up and all that my fiance's family has to say about the father is bad things because the father first said he wanted nothing to do with the child and when the child was born he sewed for full custody.

 

Thanks for letting me use this forum to vent and sort my thoughts and thanks for everyonce input. Keep your opinions comming if you have any more.

 

I still need ideas of how to get the daughter to talk!

[Kedas]

First let me repeat that it's not my domain But maybe not going to her dad until she starts asking why she can't see her dad anymore or wants to see him.

(of course the dad has to agree with that plan)

[iglak]

not my domain either... i'm only a junior in highschool, but...

when did you ask her and how did you ask her?

 

you've probably already done this... but just in case.

the best time to get a conversation going would probably be on her way to school the morning after she gets back. it would also be better if you hadn't asked her when she left the day before. then, to not get a false answer as easily, ask the question as though it's just a minor thing and as though she is an adult (don't treat her like a kid).

 

don't ask "why do you not like daddy?"

do ask "why don't you want to go to dad's house?"

 

or maybe: "are you ready to go to dad's house tomorrow?"

"no..."

"why not?"

[Dudde]

maybe he's just boring, or ignores her, and so she doesn't like going over there.

 

I always hated my family talking about how "bad" somebody else was...then I got big enough to stop it. I would recommend stop that kind of nonsensical gibberish at any time, because 3 year olds can get into some crazy places without being seen.

[YT2095]

now you`ve expounded a little more, it would seem that her reasons are nothing MAJOR BIG TIME BAD SH!T, going on there.

and you as the "Second daddy" are bound to feel a little animosity towards daddy #1, it`s natural (maybe not correct, but natural), and afterall you`re only seeing ONE side of the story here. I could be wrong, but it would certainly be worth a good think about also

as we`ve ALL said however, this really isn`t the place/people/domain for intimate details of such things, we willl ALL have best wishes and well intentioned "advice" without question, but you should seriously consider seeking the advice of a trained proffesional, whether "YOU" are scared of them or not, this is not about YOU, it`s about a little girl in your care that needs a little help with a few probs.

[Guest Harley]

Hi,

You could try this simple game and perhaps it will help.

 

Make four piles of pictures ...

 

#1 pile A picture of your house

#2 pile A picture of the zoo

#3 pile A picture of the childs fathers

house

#4 pile A a picture of a playground

 

 

Call the game "Whats Fun About"

 

Roll a die and when it comes up with the number of a pile...ya get the general idea.

 

It may be an inocent way of getting some input without comming accross like the KGB

 

Also I didnt read anything about asking the father if theres been any problems, another source for info.

 

 

I hope things get better for yas, good luck.

[Sayonara]

I suggest you do NOT try to get free, easy "help" from the intermaweb and instead speak to a trained professional who is qualified to help you with this problem. Such a person will also be legally, morally and emotionally accountable for the advice they give.

 

Why in god's name would you want to take the advice of an anonymous bunch of geeks, teenagers and social misfits with an important issue like this? (No offence guys, just putting the point across ).

[Guest lunaeus]

It is likely that the 3 yr old is crying because she will miss her mother, upon her departing to her father's house. Children at such an age do have a dependency streak when it comes to their mother.

 

Maybe this can help...

Try and give her a book with a picture of her mom, and tape it to the inside of the back cover. So when she goes over to her daddy's, she has a picture to remind her. Also, alot of patience and understanding can go a long ways.

 

Good luck.