how's this?????????

[chitrangda]

Around the corner I have a friend,

in this great city that has no end,

yet the days go by and weeks rush on,

and before I know it, a year is gone. And I never see my old friends face,

For life is a swift and terrible race,

He knows I like him just as well,

As in the days when I rang his bell.

And he rang mine but we were younger then,

and now we are busy, tired men.

Tired of playing a foolish game,

Tired of trying to make a name.

"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim

Just to show that I’m thinking of him."

But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,

and distance between us grows and grows.

Around the corner, yet miles away,

"Here’s a telegram sir," "Jim died today."

And that's what we get and deserve in the end.

Around the corner, a vanished friend.

[YT2095]

a good theme, and well put together, I`m not too keen on the "grows and grows" bit though.

it`s a little too simplisticly convenient.

how about something like: "the distance between us, Time only knows."

 

 

other than that, great!

[aamera]

a good poetry which touched my heart

[DaveC426913]

I like it (and trust me, I am not a poetry liker).

 

But what about, rather than a let-down at the end, it provided some words of wisdom to avoid this end.

[Dak]

it's nice (but sad )

 

i like the rythm -- its kinda disjointy and never quite fits imo (which adds to it)

[chitrangda]

a good theme, and well put together, I`m not too keen on the "grows and grows" bit though.

it`s a little too simplisticly convenient.

how about something like: "the distance between us, Time only knows."

 

 

other than that, great!

 

thanks for the idea. ill think over it!