Repeat offenders in relationships [split]

[Dak]

Rhino and I discussed this yesterday and came to the same basic conclusion. If she confesses to an act like this, then we think it's very likely it's the only indiscretion. However, if you "discover" it, then we think it's highly likely this is just one incident among many many indiscretions.

 

aye, theres that (which, tbh, i didn't even think of).

 

the main problem for me, tho, is that if they cheat on you then fess up and appologise, then they've done one thing wrong, which they're sorry for, and want to do the mature thing: own up, accept the repercussions (which might include loosing their partner), and make an effort to make it right.

 

if they cheat on you, then dont tell you, they either aren't that bothered by it, or, even if they are, they descide to keep it from you, which, imo, is worse that the actual act of cheating -- repeatedly lying to you and allowing you to continue to believe that they've been faithful.

 

either way, it'd be dumpage time if you find out, imo.

[Heretic]

Actually it is an excuse. That's like saying a drunk that drives his car in a ditch can't use Alcohol as an excuse. So why is DUI / DWI such a big deal?

 

Alcohol screws up your sense of judgement, inhibitions, and etc.

 

I believe it was posted somewhere on these forums that caffine also makes people susceptible to suggestion. Considering that Starbucks successfully sells people day-old tuna sandwiches on plain bread for over $5 I'd believe they were right, based solely on that one point. However considering how I cannot convince my boss that I am over-worked and under-paid (and she is the biggest caffine abuser I know) I'd argue the opposite.

 

I think the problem is ParanoiA there are always more then one angle to an arguement and you refuse to accept that. You're very close-minded and that has nothing to do with aged wisdom. Gross generalizations are a sign of ignorance and nothing more. There's a generalization for yah.

 

Once a cheater not always a cheater. I believe a repeat offender is problem, but a solitary act should not be the defining factor in judgement. If people were always weighed against a single shread of evidence and any past acts that proved contrary pushed aside, that would indeed prove people (contradicting your own statement) do change. So if someone never cheated before and then they cheat have they not changed? Could they not change again?

[ParanoiA]

I think the problem is ParanoiA there are always more then one angle to an arguement and you refuse to accept that. You're very close-minded and that has nothing to do with aged wisdom. Gross generalizations are a sign of ignorance and nothing more. There's a generalization for yah.

 

Once a cheater not always a cheater. I believe a repeat offender is problem, but a solitary act should not be the defining factor in judgement. If people were always weighed against a single shread of evidence and any past acts that proved contrary pushed aside, that would indeed prove people (contradicting your own statement) do change. So if someone never cheated before and then they cheat have they not changed? Could they not change again?

 

Actually, it's a little more pragmatic than that. More people don't change in that respect than do change. I base this solely off of experience, which apparently has no merit with you, but it does with me. So, I'm just placing my bets accordingly. I never said people never change. I said they very rarely change. Usually they just change their mask, or temporarily change their behavior - but most of the time, they don't change at all.

 

So, I'm sorry you interpret my opinion in this one matter as an indication of my entire mind being open or closed. If I didn't know any better, I might think your closed minded...

[Heretic]

No one changes.

 

Perhaps I need my prescription checked, but statement there proves you did in fact state "no one changes", which can be interpreted as people do not change, period.

 

Regardless you can consider me as close-minded as you wish. I do not pretend to be the most broad-minded individual to ever grace the planet, but what I do consider myself is experienced. Experienced enough to know the world is full of gray. I am not devaluing the experiences you have witnessed first-hand but what I am saying is you're refusing to accept that other people do in fact have experiences of their own.

 

Maybe you aren't but that's the way I perceived your argument.

 

People can change, and not always for the best. Some people might feel cheating is alright until they are cheated on. Some people might react vicea versa and never cheat until they themselves have been victimized.

 

People are not as 2D as your life has led you to believe. Perhaps you just continually surround yourself with people without the will to change? There is even the remote possibilty you do so purposefully. Maybe you believe no one is changing just so you don't have to change yourself. I couldn't tell you.

 

What I can tell you is that things are different from my point of view.

[ParanoiA]

Perhaps I need my prescription checked, but statement there proves you did in fact state "no one changes", which can be interpreted as people do not change, period.

 

Regardless you can consider me as close-minded as you wish. I do not pretend to be the most broad-minded individual to ever grace the planet, but what I do consider myself is experienced. Experienced enough to know the world is full of gray. I am not devaluing the experiences you have witnessed first-hand but what I am saying is you're refusing to accept that other people do in fact have experiences of their own.

 

Maybe you aren't but that's the way I perceived your argument.

 

People can change, and not always for the best. Some people might feel cheating is alright until they are cheated on. Some people might react vicea versa and never cheat until they themselves have been victimized.

 

People are not as 2D as your life has led you to believe. Perhaps you just continually surround yourself with people without the will to change? There is even the remote possibilty you do so purposefully. Maybe you believe no one is changing just so you don't have to change yourself. I couldn't tell you.

 

What I can tell you is that things are different from my point of view.

 

Well I don't think you need your prescription checked since out of all the comments I made about people changing, you apparently found the one occurence I slipped up. You got me. But in my defense, I did mean that a little more loosely than that. Like when your kid comes home and says "everyone is doing it". But hey, words mean things and this is a science forum so I stand corrected.

 

But we're arguing past each other. I completely agree with everything you're saying. You're absolutely right. Rhino and I were just talking this morning about how inexperienced youth view everything black and white, good or evil, etc. I've found as I've gotten older and hopefully somewhat wiser that the more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know.

 

And yet, if my young girlfriend cheats on me, I'm going to kick her to the curb because the odds are she's going to do it again, because most of the time, almost 100%, they don't change. They just alter their behavior which they can only keep up for so long and eventually they give in to it. That's humans for ya'.

 

My circle of friends has changed over time and I've met all kinds. But, birds of a feather flock together. So, maybe all I've met is non-changable people. Or, maybe I'm right afterall. Maybe what you perceive as people who have changed, are really people who haven't yet shown or given in to their true colors. Or maybe I did take too much LSD in high school...

[YT2095]

this "Changable" bit I disagree with for the most part, although I do agree that Some of what you`re saying is right on the money too.

 

people Can and Do change, it`s virtualy inevitable!

else you would still hold the same views and opinions that you did when YOU were 19 ...

evidently you don`t

 

there`s also a saying that if you hang around with Bikers long enough, you`ll be wearing a leather jacket too!

[GutZ]

there`s also a saying that if you hang around with Bikers long enough, you`ll be wearing a leather jacket too!

 

I strongly agree.

 

People associate themselves with different types of people. I may have friends who have the ability to change because I can, or hold that ability as an important factor. People who can not like that are not attractive in that sense.

 

So really, a person could go through their whole life not finding anyone who has the ability to change, or the opposite find all sorts of people that can.

 

Personally I've had and seen both.