child hurting and threatening to hurt themself

[batmanisme]

I was just wondering if anyone had some advise at all for me on this subject:

 

My Fiance's older daughter (5) has been hitting her self on the head and banging her head into things and even at times pulling her own hair (sometimes even pulling some out) this has been going on now for a couple years (ever since her younger sister(3) was born ) and we kind of attribute this behavior to almost being jealous of her sister and being mad that she is not the only child any longer (we believe this is the case) and now we just recently found out that she (my fiancee) is pregnant again and it seems like the actions of the oldest have gotten worse. the biggest worry now is that this morning the oldest was saying things like she wants to cut hersalf and things of that nature (is this becasue of the new baby that is comming, or is is something more that we shoulcd be very concerned about?) she (the 5 year old) did make a comment to me the other day about worring about when the new baby does come that her mother is going to love her less, and even though i have tried to reassure her that this could and would never happen it doesnt seem to help. the girls both have been through alot in the last few years (theirt mother jumping from relationship to realitonship until now ) and having many other men in and out of their lives. (she is also in the process of finalizing her divorce (before we could even marry) and think this also may be having an affect on the children cause they see their "dad" very seldom lately since october) i am just very worried that their mother (my fiance) is going to end up losing the baby she is carring due to stress of all of this. is there anything anyone could offer as advise to help the oldest child involved here to understand that she will never loose importance to any of us epesically her mother? i am very worried about both of them, do i have serious reason to be or is this something that will pass? i just dont know what i can do to help anyone of the ones here that i love and dont want to see anyone of them hurt in anyway (self inflicted espically) please anyone that can help me with this i would greatly appriciate any advise cause the oldest gilrs doctor wants her mother to take and admit her into a hospital for this now and i know that, that would seriously hurt both of them cause the child would feel as though she was abandoned and her mother would not be good either as she would both feel as though she had abandoned her daughter and possible resent the new baby if she lets herself believe that it is because of this that her daughter is dong these things, and could even be stressed to the point of loosing the baby. please help me!!!!

[Phi for All]

First, I would like to move this to Psychiatry & Psychology.

 

Second, I would recommend seeing a family counselor. It's difficult to give advice of this nature without seeing firsthand the family in question. I can say that kids need stability when it comes to their parents and your five year old sounds like she thinks love is a finite commodity that can only stretch so far.

 

She gets big-time attention (which seems like love to a child) when she acts out in this violent manner. I would try to turn this outward, give her something she can focus her frustration on besides herself. It sounds like she has a legitimate fear of abandonment and needs to know that she will NEVER be unimportant to you.

 

This is just my take as a father. Perhaps we can get more advice of a professional nature.

[Glider]

I'd go with Phi's advice. A family counsellor will be able to help. The work will need to be done by the family, of course, but a good counsellor will know what needs to be done.

[barbie.=^.^=]

And also I would suggest try to treat them as equals at most times instead of treating the youngest like the baby (but of course dont neglect the youngest). I would also suggest having a little more one on one time with the eldest child, and suggest that your fiance give her undivided attention to her (even that she is pregnant), this problem could get worse. just tell her she is loved and tell her often, it might be hard for her because your fiance hs been bouncing from relationship to reltionship, but try to better than those other relationships to the eldest child play an extream father role if that makes sense.

[Psyber]

It may be a behavioural issue as discussed above, but there are also genetic predispositions they can [rarely] show up in quite young children. It occurs to me that someone should check whether there is a familial predisposition to Bipolar Spectrum Disorder in a case such as this, as the severity of the behaviour seems disproportionate to the situation as described. A history of psych disorder in parents, grand-parents, aunts, uncles, cousins should be looked for.

 

Of course there may be more potent psychological factors involved as well.

[hayleycomet]

Hi there,

You poor things, it sounds like life at home is really stressful right now!

You said in your post that the child has had a lot of people come and go in her life, and also you say that she is afraid her mother will love her less when the baby is born.

I agree with the other posts, a family counselor is not a bad idea. But, as you say, putting the child into a hospital/home should be a last resort. Try this first…

Let’s just suppose that the little girl feels that she has no control over her life. Things happen, and she has no control over them. To answer this, I suggest your fiancée makes her a special helper with the pregnancy.

1. The little girl and her mom (and not you!) go shopping for the new baby

2. Your fiancée consults with the little girl about names for the baby

3. Mum gives the little girl the job of rubbing oil on her belly every night, or every second night, when you are not there (so they can talk and so on)

4. Bring the little girl to hospital appointments because she is such a big girl (and not the other children)

5. You both try to include the little girl in decisions abut the baby and what will happen when he/she is born

 

The aim of all this to give little girl some say in what is going on in her life, that is, give her power back, and help her realise how important she is.You haven’t been there that long. She has been there longer.

You seem like a caring man, best of luck!