Stupid Quotes

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

Contribute any really stupid or funny quote here. Like this:

 

LAWYER: How many times have you attempted suicide?

DEFENDANT: Four.

LAWYER: And were you successful any of those times?

[swansont]

Q: Before signing the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse? -- A: No.

Q: Did you listen for a heart beat? -- A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing? -- A: No.

Q: So when you signed the death certificate you hadn't taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?

A: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

Death rates exceeded 100% in some towns. (about the black plague)

 

JUDGE: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

JOHNSON: By death.

JUDGE: And by whose death was it terminated?

 

JUDGE: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

DOCTOR: All of my autoupsies have been on dead people.

 

"Dave Dravecky has now thrown 66 pitches through 6 innings. It doesn't take a very smart guy to figure out that's 12 an inning." -Duan Kuiper

 

JUDGE: You say you're innocent yet five people say they saw you steal the watch.

DEFENDANT: I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

[swansont]

6th grade history test answers

 

Science test answers

 

more science test answers

[Dave]

My favourite from those links:

 

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

 

Here's a few computer related ones:

 

Customer: "Hi, I was wondering if you could fix my laptop. It's under warranty."

Tech Support: "What seems to be the trouble with it?"

Customer: "My wife got mad and threw it in the pool."

 

A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) bought a brand new Toshiba laptop computer last year since his "old" one was a model from the year before. He worked in the computer services office on campus here at our university. He decided one night that to impress his co-workers he would make his new laptop more decorative. He bought a can of emerald green Krylon spray paint and sprayed his entire computer (screen, mouse, keyboard, casing, and all) with it. He was shocked to find that his computer wouldn't work afterwards and decided the paint must be at fault. So the next day he bought a can of Goo Gone and a bottle of paint thinner and poured them both on his computer, then rinsed it off in the sink.

 

Again, he was shocked when his computer wouldn't work. He was even more shocked when Circuit City told him they wouldn't refund his money or exchange his computer for a new one.

 

More at: http://rinkworks.com/stupid/cs_abuse.shtml (and even more if you go to the bottom and click on 'even more computer stupidities').

[J'Dona]

At the risk of sounding political (not trying to, I think these would be hilarious coming from anyone) here are a couple great quotes from George W. Bush Jr:

 

"For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times."—Tokyo, Japan, Feb. 18, 2002

 

And on a more scientific note:

 

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." - Governor George W. Bush, Jr., Aug. 11, 1994

[swansont]

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." - Governor George W. Bush, Jr., Aug. 11, 1994

 

I've seen that attributed to Dan Quayle, from Esquire magazine. Given the multitude of copies that have propagated across the net, I wouldn't take anything as authoratative. I've even seen attributions that have Al Gore saying this.

[J'Dona]

Ah, right. Thought that might of been the case. Okay, here:

 

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." - Dan Quayle

 

Works the same, just as funny.