The Psychology of Expectation: How To Use It

[ParanoiA]

I'm not sure if I'm opening this thread in the right spot or not, so if I find this has been moved, my feelings will not be damaged in the least...

 

Now don't laugh...but, I was watching the NFL channel on Jimmy Johnson and his 1992 Dallas Cowboy team. Apparently Johnson is a psychology major, although I'm not sure of any detail beyond that statement. He used some of these tools throughout his career, and I was taken by a statement he made, that we've all heard time and again throughout our lives about expectations and motivating others to meet them, like our kids, or in Johnson's case, his players.

 

He said, "Treat a man as he is, and he will remain as he is. Treat him as he could be and should be and he will become what he could be and should be".

 

I don't know why that struck me so much this time, like I said, I've known most of my life that expectations are a self fulfilling prophecy, so-to-speak.

 

In short though, I feel I have let my children down. I don't believe that I treat them as they could be, rather I think I treat them as they are. Then I wonder why they won't do better in school, or with their behavior.

 

So, my question becomes...how do I do that? How do I put those words into action? What does that look like? It would seem to miss the point if I just stepped up what I get onto them about. There must be more to it than saying "from now on..you'll perform at this level, because you should be.."

[MM6]

You have to set realistic goals with them and work with them to achieve those goals.

 

For example, if you want to increase your child's interest in science, set a measurable/observable goal: s/he will watch educational science programs on TV by their own choice, or s/he will start asking more science questions.

 

Set a timeline for the goal: this will be achieved in one year.

 

Then act on the goal: take them to the museum, zoo, aquarium, watch PBS Nova or Nature togehter, have conversations with them about science, say random interesting scientific facts.

 

You have to provide scaffolding or a net for them to work with, without doing it for them. It's a lot of work for you, not just them. Your work comes in designing the program and motivating them. Their work is in working to meet the goals of the program.

 

I hope that wasn't so self-evident as to be patronizing. Maybe it's what you're looking for.

[iNow]

One approach would be to set impossible standards. Make sure that, no matter how good they do, you always expect more. Be like a dictator. If they exceed your expectations, give them hell about why they didn't do X,Y,and Z as well. Never let them think they've done enough, they will soon start pushing themselves harder just to TRY to earn your respect and love.

 

That's one approach. I'm not a big fan of it, as it causes more neuroses than I personally feel are worth it (plus, your boys are probably too old anyway... you'd have to start that approach with them at a very young age, and be consistent with it while they matured). It's really about teaching them how to think. You set their baseline as "it's never enough... I must try harder... even my best is too little." Like I said, I'm not a fan. Too likely to have more costs than benefits.

 

 

What you could do now is actively reinforce (strongly) when they exceed your expectations (maybe even start with lower expectations, and slowly move toward higher ones as time passes). Each time they perform well, and beyond your expectations, make a big stink out of it. Celebrations. Dinners. Call the relatives. Take out an ad in the newspaper. Post about it on your blog... Beam with pride and shout it out to the world... and let them know how much you LOVE the fact that they've performed at some level. Your pride and the reaction they get from it will generally be enough to teach them that they like that feeling and they want more of it, so they will try to do it again... and again... and again... until it becomes part of who they are... to over-achieve.

 

My dad did that with me. Hard standards, but huge praise when I performed well. Now, I do it with myself. I push myself harder than anyone else could, and I set myself to impossible standards in the mere hope that I'll actually move beyond my current position. Reach for the stars, get to the moon... that sort of thing.

 

You can be a jerk, or you can be loving... what matters is that you be consistent and that they incorporate their own internal desire to exceed expectations into their personality, self-image, and feelings of self-worth.

[ParanoiA]

Very thoughtful posts. Thanks you two.

 

I have always set the minimum at a "C" grade level for my boys. My deal was, if you bring home C's, I'll stay out of your business. The idea being that they must be handling themselves sufficiently to achieve it, and don't need me to interfere. I would then pay them for B's and A's. Well...all I get are C's and D's. The occassional B or A pops up, but my oldest should be cranking out straight A's sprinkled with B's. There's no excuse for it. And promises of reward aren't doing the trick, apparently.

 

They are living up to the expectation that I set - C. Actually a little less. How stupid could I be?

 

So, in talking with my wife last night, we have plan of action to get us started, that looks like a blend of your two posts. We need to be active in their business - interfering - regardless of their achievement. I think we need to be involved down to each assignment, making sure they're putting forth an above average effort, ensuring they really studied for that test and help with it, following up with checking their resultant grades on these assignments, getting involved in planning and managing for papers that are due at a later date so they don't wait until the last minute and cram to get a "D". We need to be knee deep in this and show them how you manage it, how you do it to achieve the best result. Mainly, to get them to give 100%, instead of the bare minimum I taught them up until now.

 

That's just one piece of this. But it's an important one. I like what iNow said about praise, I've not had the opportunity to do that much. Instead just waiting on them to impress me. Again, I think I need to stop waiting, and make them try so they can finally realize the reward. My oldest says he doesn't care about anyone's praise, except his father. Well hell, I guess I'd better not blow such a glaring opportunity.

 

MM6, you bring up some interesting perspective. Perhaps I could use that to inflate his interest in robotics and tech. He's always aspired to those subjects, but hasn't acted on them much. Maybe I could get something started. And no, I didn't think you were being patronizing at all.

 

iNow, we are definitely on the same page. I'm not into the "impossible standards" game, as I've seen first hand the damage that can do. That seems as awful as no standards at all. I like your balanced approach. High standards, difficult to achieve, but doable, and fulfilling when it's accomplished. I like that.