Friend Pressuring Me to Have Sex

[westgirl]

I am an 18-year-old female first-year law student in Australia. I am a fairly lonely student with only one friend. This friend tells me that I am very pretty and so she wants to set me up on a blind date so I can get a boyfriend and lose my virginity.

 

I don't want to go on a blind date nor do I want to have sex because I don't feel ready and because I don't feel comfortable.

 

My friend argued that having sex when I am young is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and if I don't take this opportunity it will never come again, so I should do it and I should not dismiss this opportunity because I have never tried it and therefore I cannot judge that it is inappropriate for me. Another argument she used is that it is important for females to get married because the male can provide the female with so much security.

 

My friend will likely be around me for a long time, so I don't want to make her angry at me so much so that it will be awkward between her and me whenever we meet at lectures. Therefore, I don't want to just ignore her or tell her that I hate her. I want to use a logical argument to get me out of having to go on a date or have sex. I feel if I provide a good argument then this friend will still like me and accept my decision not to have sex. Things will not be awkward between us.

 

With the help of you guys, I want to construct an argument that I can use to get out of having to have sex or going on a date. I am hoping that with science backgrounds, logical arguments would come naturally to you guys.

 

What arguments do you guys think I should make to not have to go on a date or have sex? Do you think my friend's arguments are good? Are there any good reasons why I should go on a date or have sex?

 

Any advice would be appreciated greatly

 

Thanks

[Moontanman]

No one should ever have sex until "they" want to have sex, to have sex just to please someone else is simply wrong. If this person is really your friend she wouldn't be telling you this, it sounds like she has hidden agenda, at the very least she does not have your interests in mind. Tell her no, if she can't be your friend because you won't do what she says then she is not much of a friend.

 

I am male, and god knows I've used many a line to get girls to have sex with me but this is about the most disingenuous line i have ever heard, tell your friend to have sex herself and leave you out of it, sex is not necessary on some external time frame, sex should be because you want it, not because someone else wants you to have or thinks you should have it. Stand up for yourself, tell her to mind her own business.

 

I don't want to go on a blind date nor do I want to have sex because I don't feel ready and because I don't feel comfortable.

 

This is the most important statement you have made, stick to your own agenda, don't allow others to make you do anything you are not ready for.

[mooeypoo]

I don't think it's a hidden agenda, it's just this weird concept some people have that if you have sex, you'll suddenly see how freeing it is... bla bla blaaaaaa bla bla.

 

TOTALLY wrong. As a woman who had sex relatively late (according to 'society'), I can tell you honestly: Do not get yourself into a situation where your intimacy is not controlled by YOU. Sex isn't just a mechanical act, it's an intimate act. Some people don't think that, and all health to them, but that doesn't mean that it should be treated as this nonissue that should just be 'done with'.

 

Take your time in your own pace, don't let anyone tell you when you're ready.

 

I've been there. I know what it's like. Get yourself into places where you have opportunities to meet more people so this one single friend isn't your only one; you're in a college environment (or university), so you should be able to find that. Find a community of people who accept you as a friend, and don't give you such ridiculously stupid advice as the one above.

 

 

 

~moo

[Zolar V]

You know i had a similar situation present itself to me.

Now being a guy it is different, because in the ethos of manhood, there seems to be a bullet that says "your not really a man until you have had sex"

So all through highschool i did avoid having sex because it was not in alignment with my goals. those goals being strait A's n such.

 

However everyday when i hung out with my few friends, and at work all the males would continuously batter me about loosing my V-card. Eventually I did decide to give in and accomplish the act of proving my manhood. When i did it and after i did feel ashamed n such because it just wasn't something i really wanted to do, it didn't follow my goals at all.

 

However i would have to agree with the once in a lifetime thing, It really is. But then again so was all the different things you did back in high-school and college and such.

there do seem to be a great many of events that are classified as "once in a lifetime", such as like going to a rock concert of your favorite band that just so happens to be playing in your area. and the only way you could go was to skip or ignore some sort of responsibilities. From my own experience, if you just follow the "strain and narrow" path aka the path of immaculate responsibility then your life may not be as full and exciting as it could be. When i broke the rules and did stuff like that, it definitely felt as though there really was more to life then just the daily grind.

 

But in the end the choice is yours, You have to make the decision whether or not do do something. If you don't feel comfortable with it then make the choice to go for the dive or just keep on walking on the strait and narrow path.

---

Merged post follows:

Consecutive posts merged

"Find a community of people who accept you as a friend"

 

now that can be quite a difficult find.

Of course that community may just not be in my area.

[mooeypoo]

It might be hard, but if you DON'T go out there, it's impossible.

[Zolar V]

well, just as i thought.. it is impossible

[Moontanman]

My rule of thumb has always been never have sex with anyone who doesn't make you feel like your heart will leap from your chest and then back off and make sure you like them for other reasons before you have sex, sex is not something you do to get it over with or because it's time or any other reason but because you want to and it feels like you absolutely must.

 

This is the same advice I gave my sons and if I'd had daughters I'd have given them the same. Find other friends, it might take awhile but i am sure there are lots of other people who will be your friend if you let them and the best of them do not require you to do anything but be their friend.

[Rickdog]

About your first inquiry, if you don`t feel or want to have sex, simply don`t.

 

The question you should be asking yourself, if that so called friend is really a friend or not. Friendship is a matter of acceptance and not a matter of imposition of any given condition. If she is your true friend, simply talk to her and tell her what you feel about any given issue, as for instance "sex", and if she really is your friend , she will accept you, as you are. If she isn`t really your friend, then it is better for you and maybe for her, to know it sooner than later.

Being a lonely person, can be a quite sad issue, but more sad is to not respect yourself as an individual and self cheat on yourself doing what others think is the best for you, when you really dont think the same. Being consequent to yourself, will reinforce your individuality, and when this is accomplished, others who think like you do, will notice you and you will surely have many good friends, sincere and honest friends who`ll accept you as you are without conditions (true fiendship).

 

Besides, having 18 years of age, means that you are a very young person, and "lots of water has to flow under that bridge", before making a "storm in a teacup" about anything in life yet, you have just begun adulthood, so let time teach you about the facts of life, don`t try to rush things up. Things of life will come when the moment is right, and YOU will know it better when the moment is right, more than anybody else.

 

:-)

[Phi for All]

I am an 18-year-old female first-year law student in Australia. I am a fairly lonely student with only one friend.

Find a study group. This will give you more opportunities for friendship, broaden your social life and improve your grades.

 

I don't want to go on a blind date nor do I want to have sex because I don't feel ready and because I don't feel comfortable.

End of story, right there. Having sex when you're uncomfortable and unready is hardly going to be the great experience your friend says it is. It's like going to a dance with a hamstring injury and the flu. You're not going to have a good time, wait for better circumstances.

 

With the help of you guys, I want to construct an argument that I can use to get out of having to have sex or going on a date. I am hoping that with science backgrounds, logical arguments would come naturally to you guys.

1. The oxytocin released in your body during orgasm reacts with a medication you take, and it makes you extremely maternal for a bit, then turns to depression and really takes it's toll on you. You're working with your doctor to find alternative medication but it could take a while.

 

2. Given that anyone your age is probably going to be less experienced, you want to hold out for someone more mature who can make your first time a truly memorable experience. If your friend knows some older men, just keep raising the age until she runs out of choices. If she knows someone past 80, go ahead and date them, keep them out until they fall asleep, then tell them how great they were when they wake up.

 

3. Just be honest with your friend. You're uncomfortable with set-up sex, you are afraid to hurt her feelings and you promise to join a study group so you will meet someone you genuinely like well enough to get intimate with.

 

Good luck, westgirl! Your body, your terms, you're great!

[mooeypoo]

Since you're asking for a "logical argument" (the above posts are supplying enough, but just for the sake of an 'exercise'), here's an idea:

 

Ask your friend to walk naked to the beach and expose herself totally naked at her dorm to anyone who wants to see her. I assume she will tell you that's unacceptable, in which case you can ask -- why? Why are you so uptight, friend? there are many people out there who view nudity as a form of freeing yourself. Our social habit of covering our bodies with cloths is just that -- a social view, and if you get rid of it, you'll be FREE! you will! Do it!

 

See the lack of logic here? Her body is hers, and exposing herself is an intimate act that shouldn't be taken lightly. Some people might consider it just fine, and that's okay for them, I have no problem with that, but I wouldn't do that. I don't feel comfortable with it, and it's not because I feel bad in my own body, it's because that's my limit in my own intimacy.

 

Having sex is yours. It used to be mine, too. I'm 28 now, and I have been in your shoes, as i said before. You're not alone, you are not the only woman who does not feel comfortable having sex with just anyone, and/or who didn't find that someone before the age of 18. Don't give up, and stand up for your values and your limits.

 

It's your body, and just like people draw the line in nudity, you draw the line in sharing your intimacy with a person you trust.

 

Trust me, when that time comes, and you have intimate relations (not just mechanical 'sex') with someone you trust, it will be much more enjoyable, much more intimate and much more memorable than if you just go out and do it out of peer pressure.

 

~moo

[Horza2002]

Phi for All has got it spot on:

 

If you dont want to go on a blind date/sex thats it...stop there, end of story! Nobody else can decide when your ready...just be careful that you don't mistake not being ready with nerves though

[skyhook]

casual sex has a risk of Aids and STD. You should do it with someone whom you can trust.

[mooeypoo]

casual sex has a risk of Aids and STD. You should do it with someone whom you can trust.

Well, regardless of anything, sex should be enjoyed and practiced safely.

[JohnB]

Westgirl, there are a few things that come to mind.

 

Firstly your friend seems to have convinced you that three separate things are one and the same.

 

she wants to set me up on a blind date so I can get a boyfriend and lose my virginity.

 

1. Dating.

 

2. Boyfriend.

 

3. Sex.

 

Going on a date does not mean that the male involved expects you to be his girlfriend, nor does it mean he intends sex. (Although your friend may have led him to believe so.)

 

Even if you continue to date that person, it doesn't mean he expects sex. It is quite permissable and normal to have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship without sex. I will add that if he were to put any pressure on you at all, then walk away. He's carving notches on his bed head and doesn't give a rats **** about you and your values or feelings.

 

The bottom line is that you don't need "logical" arguments for not going on a blind date, any more than you need them for not going to a movie.

 

It's your life, your body and your choice.

 

The people here have given great advice and I hope you listen to them.

 

I'll add one last observation. The "First time" is a thing that will never come again. It is very special and personal and should be valued on that basis. If you make the wrong choice, you can't take it back, you can't make it "not count".

 

Your virginity is important to you and losing it would be a big thing. The only man worthy of that is the one who is willing to wait with patience and caring. If he is not willing to take the time, effort and above all care to ensure that something so special to you remains a special and wonderful memory, then he is not worthy of the honour you offer him.

 

I know too many women who finished up quite sour on sex by their mid twenties because they dived in too soon with guys that didn't know enough to make their experience memorable. Don't make the same mistake.

[Chriton]

Westgirl Seems like you dont want to lose your friend or argue with her. best bet is to be Logical and tell her that although she sees Sex as something that is OK for her, you dont, just tell her you are different in how you think about it..Perhaps Sex liberated her but it might not be the way you want to be liberated..Just Emphisize that you are not a Sheep that follows. you are an Individual who will have sex in your own time.

Your friend seems to be trying (Mistakenly) to get you to be like her...dont follow...be yourself.

Edited March 16, 2010 by Chriton

[Genecks]

Anyone else find it curious that a law student is on SFN asking this kind of question in the first post?

[Phi for All]

Anyone else find it curious that a law student is on SFN asking this kind of question in the first post?

You say that like we don't get pretty law students looking for advice about sex from us science geeks all the time.

 

What I find curious is that it's been two days since she posted and none of our members from Oz have proposed to her yet.

[timo]

What I find curious is that it's been two days since she posted and none of our members from Oz have proposed to her yet.

That would be for the kiddies in the computer gamers' corner. We can provide an old pervert giving the parental advice that young women should have sex with some older guy first () and a drunken philosopher proposing not to do what others propose () !

[rogerxd45]

just a bit of advice, only have sex with someone you really care for. yes sex is fun either way but when its with someone you hardly know its not as good. but when you save it ONLY for those people that you love its amazing!

 

dont do it because someone want you to, but also dont hold on to that card for dear life, you should experience it with more then one person IMO

 

but also doing the other stuff is almost as fun, but nothing compares to that moment. laying next to a person that you just made love to and not wanting to be anywhere else is unexplainable.

 

 

so i say when the time comes go for it, but dont go out looking for it. the time will come and when it does you will know it, you cant rush it.

 

also if you havent done it yet get you HPV shots!

[vordhosbn]

I think people today are overtrying to define intimate relations as something very complicated. The gereral impression is, that we live in sexualy open societies, but I think it's quite the opposite. There is an huge amount of nudity and sexual messages from the media, but people get more and more alienated from eachother.

Setting up blind dates... have we came to the point where we must artificialy find partners to mate.

[Severian]

I am going to give the opposite advice to almost everyone else in this thread (which is, at first sight odd, since I am a Christian).

 

I think your friend is probably right. Having sex when you are young is something which you will never be able to do again, and it will probably change your attitudes towards sex and relationships for the better.

 

I see a lot of people get really worked up about sex. The idea of staying a virgin, or keeping yourself pure for your 'one true love' can really screw up your priorities. It makes you put sex on a pedestal as the ultimate declaration of love, and in my opinion that will ultimately lead to disappointment.

 

This is not to say that you should suddenly go off and have sex with everyone. That is unhealthy too (both psychologically and physically). But I think having sex now and again will demystify it for you and give you a better perspective on life. So find someone to whom you are attracted, who doesn't have to be your ideal mate, but will be sympathetic and gentle for your first time, and have some fun.

 

From a Christian perspective (for those who may be interested), I believe that obsession Christians often have about staying virginal until marriage, acts as a barrier between themselves and God, so is ultimately damaging to their faith and their relationship with God.

[mooeypoo]

Severian, I see your point but I think the bigger issue that caught my attention here is the admission of the OP that she's not comfortable with it.

 

Sex is intimate, specially for women (more so than for men for various reasons, most of them social, some of them physical). If the OP states that she's not comfortable with it, she shouldn't do it.

 

I don't think it's about an obsession to remain virgin, and I didn't get the feeling the OP doesn't want to have sex so that she remains a virgin or out of some conviction or "obsession" for virginity, she stated that she's not comfortable with it, and if she's not, then she shouldn't do it.

 

I don't believe in preserving virginity for wedding, I don't bleieve in sex as this "supreme" or "holy" or "magical" act, but it definitely is intimate, and it depends on the individual how they want to share their bodies with others. If you're refusing to experience sex because you think virginity is holy, we can argue (and I'd likely agree with you, Severian, which, I believe, is noteworthy \o/) but if the refusal to have sex is out of a feeling of discomfort or awkwardness or not being ready to share your body with someone else, then you shouldn't do it.

 

~moo

[Rickdog]

Severian, my friend, you should correct your post by saying its your point of view, which doesn`t have anything to do with you being a christian or not.

 

For the Holly Church, virginity is a virtue till marriage, so don`t turn it around for your benefit. More on, the church will always tell you that sex is restricted to marriage and every other thing is unpure and profane (among many reasons why I don`t personally believe in the church). And since you call yourself a Christian (or follower of Jesus Christ), you shouldn`t doubt what the Holly Church says about the issue.

 

Anyhow,mooeypoo, never refered to the OP in a relligious form but as a person, and so did I, and almost everybody else who gave her suggestions about the issue, in other words, our humble sincere opinion about the issue.

(only you intended it in that sense). After not receiving any reply from her since her first post, as Genecks said, it is kind of annoying though.

[Zolar V]

I think people today are overtrying to define intimate relations as something very complicated. The gereral impression is, that we live in sexualy open societies, but I think it's quite the opposite. There is an huge amount of nudity and sexual messages from the media, but people get more and more alienated from eachother.

Setting up blind dates... have we came to the point where we must artificialy find partners to mate.

 

Woa, that was deep.

[Severian]

For the Holly Church, virginity is a virtue till marriage, so don`t turn it around for your benefit. More on, the church will always tell you that sex is restricted to marriage and every other thing is unpure and profane (among many reasons why I don`t personally believe in the church). And since you call yourself a Christian (or follower of Jesus Christ), you shouldn`t doubt what the Holly Church says about the issue.

 

I am sorry, but I fundamentally disagree. Christianity comes from Christ and God, not the 'Holy Church'. Just because the 'Holy Church' says something doesn't make it true.