Am I an evolutionary deadend?

[rwalters21]

First off hi I am a new user. Im a 21 year old single male and have never been in a relationship with a female. My whole life I have been rejected by females. Throughout my middle school years and highschool years I was obese so that probably has a alot to do with why I was unable to get a girlfriend. The tenth grade was the last time I ever tried to date a girl I was tired of being rejected and accepted that i was undesired by females so I lost interest in them and stopped talking to them. My senior year in highschool I lost all my excessive poundage and I guess was desired by quite a few females but was not interested in them and noticed that I no longer had any drive, motivation, or desire to be with a female almost like the attraction for females was terminated and to this day I still have that characteristic. I have a mild form of expressive language disorder now I developed it from lack of social interraction when I was unemployed for a year but I was working steady for the past six months and was surrounded by beautiful women but I just had no compulsion to talk to them like I had no interest and im not gay i am totally into women I watch porn often because I get urges when i see attractive females on t.v. but when I am in the presence of a female or they are around me i have no interest. So is it possible that it's natures way of ending my bloodline or my undesired traits and genes? Am I an evolutionary deadend? I have a family of mental disorders schitzophrenia and strange behavior and I feel the language disorder stems from my family history. I am not depressed or feeling no hope I just feel it goes deeper than just lack of confidence because I have been having thoughts and feelings that I shouldnt reproduce because of my genes and I wouldnt want these undesired traits to be passed onto my child. sorry for such a long descriptive story of my life but i would just like these questions answered by one who has a background in science and the genetics.

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

I have a mild form of expressive language disorder now I developed it from lack of social interraction when I was unemployed for a year but I was working steady for the past six months and was surrounded by beautiful women but I just had no compulsion to talk to them like I had no interest and im not gay i am totally into women I watch porn often because I get urges when i see attractive females on t.v. but when I am in the presence of a female or they are around me i have no interest.

 

I'm no psychiatrist, but this smells like shyness, plain and simple. If this were some evolutionary defense mechanism, you wouldn't be attracted to pictures of women, either. But you are. You don't think you're attracted to "real" women because you're shy.

 

I'm generally a shy person, and it's a tough habit to break, but when you do (and it can be done!), you'll be glad you did.

 

If you just try to rationalize your situation and say "oh, I'm evolved to be this way," you're just dooming yourself to never change.

[Phi for All]

First off hi I am a new user.

Hello.

 

My senior year in highschool I lost all my excessive poundage and I guess was desired by quite a few females but was not interested in them and noticed that I no longer had any drive, motivation, or desire to be with a female almost like the attraction for females was terminated and to this day I still have that characteristic.

I would be willing to bet, since you say that you still have urges when you watch attractive females on TV, that this is a simple self-esteem issue, a lack of confidence in dealing with women. It is NOT some kind of evolutionary corrective measure.

 

What's probably happening is that your fear of failure is overriding your attraction to these women. That's why it seems like there's no motivation.

 

The cure is simple. You start out small, just start saying hello more often, ask people how they are (men and women), just be more attentive to others in general. Listen to the answers. Smile. When you are getting more smiles in return, you might get asked to join a mixed group going to lunch. Eventually, you could ask a woman from work if she would help you pick out some clothes at a nearby store right after work ("Can I borrow your taste in clothes sometime, maybe after work? I'm going for a sort of Brad Pitt/Johnny Depp look and I need help!"). Don't try to pick her up or ask her out on a date unless things go that way naturally. If she agrees though, it's the perfect way to set up a one-on-one coffee or dinner date.

[ewmon]

The funny thing about self-esteem, shyness and loneliness is that so many people suffer from them, but because of the nature of these feelings, they prevent most people from talking about them, and so, everyone who has them feels like they’re the only ones who are suffering.

 

A man dating someone at his workplace can be very awkward for both people when these relationships end, which most of them will do — except for “the one”. I agree with Phi for All except that it’s better/safer for everyone if the women around a man only network for him. He impresses them, and they introduce him to other women or invite him to join a mixed group or a new crowd. A man can confide in the women around him more naturally, because he’s not trying to date them. Women are often impressed by what other women say, especially friends. A guy shouldn’t ignore married women either, who are generally older and more experienced. They can offer good advice and introduce him to women he normally wouldn’t meet.

 

PS — Porn can get a guy into the habit of looking at women’s bodies and that no one can see him doing it. Revealing fashions combined with careless women can cause problems for men. I recommend that a man not let his gaze drop below a woman’s eyes whether she sees him or not, especially if she’s wearing something revealing. Too many objects, like computer screens and cubicle windows, are reflective. A guy who looks a lot might end up with a bad reputation, a verbal warning about sexual harassment, or a warning letter in his personnel folder. It can be the kiss of death.

[vordhosbn]

Wow, why so dramatic?!

Ultimately, social relations are not about being some perfect gentleman. You are what you are. While it's rude to just stare, it's perfectly natural to glance at women's bodies from time to time.

Accuse me of speaking in cliches, but it really pays off to behave naturally.

You may have some physical or pshychological characteristics that some people don't like, but do not be affraid to either express them, or if you don't like them yourself - to change. If you are obese - you can try to find people who like you the way you are, or to lose weight. The same goes with shyness - either accept who you are right now, and count on finding someone that will like you, or just change.

 

Not that I am encouraging drug use, but I've yet to see a drunk shy person*.

Also if you are sexually unconfortable with women, you can go to a prostitute and experiment, without the fear of humiliation and social pressures.

 

* In case someone misunderstands me - i personally despise people abusing alcohol. There is nothing attractive or beautifull in someone passed out in his own vomit. However in moderate consumption alcohol can lift many social barriers between people and make them more talkative and open.

[rogerxd45]

I'm no psychiatrist, but this smells like shyness, plain and simple. If this were some evolutionary defense mechanism, you wouldn't be attracted to pictures of women, either. But you are. You don't think you're attracted to "real" women because you're shy.

 

I'm generally a shy person, and it's a tough habit to break, but when you do (and it can be done!), you'll be glad you did.

 

If you just try to rationalize your situation and say "oh, I'm evolved to be this way," you're just dooming yourself to never change.

 

i completely agree on all points!

 

i was very shy all through school and didnt have any "game" but when i graduated highschool i decided that was something i wanted to change, so i signed up for school in a town that i didnt know a single person.

well this forced me to be in an uncomfortable situation that i was pretty much forced to not be shy.

 

it worked, i now have no problem with girls. I am really glad i did what i did.

 

thinking its genetic and something you cant change is just making it harder for yourselfe to change. you just need to get out and put yourself in situations rhat are uncomfortable. also know that it is something you CAN change

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

Indeed. I actually blame my change on learning to do card magic. Once I started performing magic in high school (I'd be sitting around at lunch and a group would spontaneously form around me and demand that I do magic), I got much better socially.

 

But then, magic is also the art of manipulating and BSing your audience. If you can handle that, you can handle regular social situations.

[Mr Skeptic]

A case of shyness, self-esteem, fear -- but nothing more. Incidentally, do you have female friends?

 

Most people far overestimate their own sexual attractiveness. If rejected they often place the blame elsewhere or even decide they didn't really like that person anyways. This delusion is natures way of ensuring that they try anyways -- without trying, you definitely won't succeed. Being deluded is easier, because it is easier to try something you feel you will succeed at. And eventually, you will succeed if you keep trying. You may have been hit by a good dose of reality, but that doesn't mean you should give up. Giving up = guaranteed failure.

 

Perhaps you should tell us what your objectives are. Is your objective to never ever be embarrassed? Is it to find someone who is guaranteed not to reject you? Is your objective to find a woman who will hop in bed with you on the first date? Do you want someone who is physically attractive, or perhaps just a good person, or perhaps only the perfect woman will do? Are you looking for companionship, or just sex? Do you just want to "try it out" without being committed?

 

Once you know what your objectives are, you can go about seeing 1) if they are realistic, and 2) what is the best way to go about it. For example, an online dating site is probably a good way to meet someone who won't reject you out of hand (because they already accepted the first date). Whereas checking out a bar is probably a good way to find potentially "loose" girls who you can visually check out before talking to.

[pioneer]

Another way to deal with this is to hire a pro (working girl). For example, if you were having a difficult time getting into athletic shape, one would hire a trainer. In this case, you need a sex trainer to help you touch reality and get into sexual shape by overcoming the mystique of sex.

 

Once you touch reality, you will find things, easier. Call this a science experiment for characterizing sexuality. You are collecting first hand data to better characterize this natural phenomena. Two data points is enough for a line.

[Dudde]

Pish posh all of this scientific and craziness - get yourself a job in sales! telesales or door to door - I was ridiculously shy in person until I challenged myself to do well in a sales environment. Not only did I end up on the top earning part of the workplace, I'm no longer shy toward anyone in any situation

[toastywombel]

First off hi I am a new user. Im a 21 year old single male and have never been in a relationship with a female. My whole life I have been rejected by females. Throughout my middle school years and highschool years I was obese so that probably has a alot to do with why I was unable to get a girlfriend. The tenth grade was the last time I ever tried to date a girl I was tired of being rejected and accepted that i was undesired by females so I lost interest in them and stopped talking to them. My senior year in highschool I lost all my excessive poundage and I guess was desired by quite a few females but was not interested in them and noticed that I no longer had any drive, motivation, or desire to be with a female almost like the attraction for females was terminated and to this day I still have that characteristic. I have a mild form of expressive language disorder now I developed it from lack of social interraction when I was unemployed for a year but I was working steady for the past six months and was surrounded by beautiful women but I just had no compulsion to talk to them like I had no interest and im not gay i am totally into women I watch porn often because I get urges when i see attractive females on t.v. but when I am in the presence of a female or they are around me i have no interest. So is it possible that it's natures way of ending my bloodline or my undesired traits and genes? Am I an evolutionary deadend? I have a family of mental disorders schitzophrenia and strange behavior and I feel the language disorder stems from my family history. I am not depressed or feeling no hope I just feel it goes deeper than just lack of confidence because I have been having thoughts and feelings that I shouldnt reproduce because of my genes and I wouldnt want these undesired traits to be passed onto my child. sorry for such a long descriptive story of my life but i would just like these questions answered by one who has a background in science and the genetics.

 

Maybe you are unable to trust females, and it is hard to ever engage in a good conversation with someone you don't trust. Maybe, the lack of interest is a result of this deep distrust.

 

I'm not a professional though, just someone commenting on the situation.

[Genecks]

...it's natures way of ending my bloodline or my undesired traits and genes? Am I an evolutionary deadend? I have a family of mental disorders schitzophrenia and strange behavior and I feel the language disorder stems from my family history../.

 

More than likely, the change in physical physiology and appearance will definitely relate to you, how people view you, and your reality.

 

When I lost a lot of weight, girls thought I was super cute. I actually got approached by a lot of women. It was a whole new world. Then again, because I knew of the inherent shallow characteristics of Homo sapiens, I pushed off the women in a misogynic like fashion. That was an earlier me, and then those were younger women (probably not so naive/rude/immature/shallow now). I think women eventually either grow up, stop being shallow, or just give up being immature/naive. I can't tell if it's a physical reproductive thing or not.

 

In a lot of ways, people continue to go through "adolescence" in how they want to live out their life, sexuality, and gender until they are past their 30s. That's my take on it.

 

I suggest you start socializing with people. Maybe join a few clubs, LAN parties, etc.. Go to a few bars, start talking to some women (ALWAYS be a gentleman), and then you'll find yourself with a woman. As many guys report, after spending enough time with women they like, they eventually want to further develop the relationship and get married/have kids: Well, the ones who might have a feel for some traditionalist views and lifestyles rather than being DINKs (double-income no kids).

 

At best, I'd say that if you stay in shape, stay physically active, and do your best at things in life, you'll eventually find that you want to settle down. Some people don't, but many people do. It might be a biological clock thing. In general, I have considered that despite the social influences society and culture has put upon human reproduction, there is still an innate desire to have children. And you will find yourself wanting to have kids, even if you want to stay a kid yourself. I think many people rationalize it as having a "mini-me." Of course, the process does seem quite grown up, and the responsibility is immense.

[ianhowson]

Some suggestions from experience :-

Don't give up at 21. There may not be a princess looking for a frog around, but you can be sure that there are plenty of women in your condition.

Try working as a bartender.

Don't just grab the first offer.

Remember, relationships go two ways.

[MM6]

Your scientific analysis is valid. But it's far too soon to write yourself off. You have another 50 years of reproductive fitness.