What's the best time to marry?

[Mr Rayon]

At what age is the best time for two people to get married? Does it differ between men and women and should it? I've heard of people getting married for the first time from the ages of 19 to as old as 27. But in everybody's opinion what's the best age? In the olden days women used to get married at really young ages however as time passes everyone seems to be marrying when they are older. I think 24-25 years is the best age as you would have undertaken a few years of university by this time and hence would probably be able to sustain a reasonable works pay to look after family, find a house to live in etc while possibly continuing or finishing off university.

 

Also, incidentally, does anyone know what the global divorce rates are? Compared to they were in the past, how have they changed?

[Marat]

There are benefits as well as costs to delaying marriage, so you have to balance them against each other to find the critical point at which the time is maximally advantageous. Delaying marriage is a good idea since the more mature you are when you choose your marriage partner, the more you will be able to anticipate your long-term needs for various qualities in a partner. Delay is also good since it allows you to focus your concentration on educational and career goals for a period before assuming a commitment to a less predictable, more unstable, less mobile, less flexible, and less controllable two-person unit. Another advantage of delay for males is that males react badly to the destruction of sexual desire enforced by marital monotony, so it is best to exorcise your hormonal demons fully before settling down into that socially-prescribed form of castration.

 

The costs of delay include the fact that you may displace your married years away from your fertility years if you are a female. You may be too unstable in your lifeplan for too long if you marry late, and a prolonged adolescence can have negative side-effects by encouraging more recklessness rather than creative, centered stability. Narcissism is such a common condition in teenagers that it is practically considered a normal stage of development for them, and living just for yourself too long can have a negative impact on your personality.

[hypervalent_iodine]

I think that it's very much a case by case situation as to when the 'best' time is, if the time should ever come. If I (as a female) were to get married for instance, it would not be until after I finished my PhD and I am settled into a postdoctorate position. Having said that, I in fact have no intention to get married as I do not believe that I need the institution of marriage to confirm my love for another person. Recently, my mother got remarried for the purpose of being able to live in the same country as her partner after he got a job overseas. I guess the 'best' time for that marriage was before her visa expired

Edited February 15, 2011 by hypervalent_iodine

[StringJunky]

I think that it's very much a case by case situation as to when the 'best' time is, if the time should ever come. If I (as a female) were to get married for instance, it would not be until after I finished my PhD and I am settled into a postdoctorate position. Having said that, I in fact have no intention to get married as I do not believe that I need the institution of marriage to confirm my love for another person. Recently, my mother got remarried for the purpose of being able to live in the same country as her partner after he got a job overseas. I guess the 'best' time for that marriage was before her visa expired

 

 

Coincidentally, I had a discussion on this subject with my 21 old year niece recently . She wants to travel around now she's got her degree and when she comes back she will settle down...in the meantime she might have 'random' experiences with people. I said this was a good idea and that she might try and put off settling down 'til she's at least in her mid-twenties, finally grown-up and got any need to 'experiment' with relationships out of the way. Too many people have families too early, then, when they are in their late-twenties get that urge to 'experiment' which they missed out when they were younger.

 

Hopefully, when she's reached that stage she will be fulfilled on the selfish/personal level and will be able to fully commit with no nagging/yearning distractions and give her future mate and any resulting off spring her undivided attention.

 

I say all this with the perspective of a person living in the UK, well aware of it's pretty high divorce rate, and wish to help her avoid the all too real possibility of marital unhappiness...especially for any children she may have.

Edited February 15, 2011 by StringJunky

[TonyMcC]

Old fashioned idea - How about getting married when you find someone you truly love? At that time I would not expect anyone to be making calculations concerning education, employment prospects or chance of having children.

I married at 22 (my wife was the same age). I'm pleased to say that after more than 50 years together we agree that it was the right thing to do.

[Marat]

Perhaps a purely statistical approach is a useful guide to getting married. Since all of the people I had extended relationships with were in the 4 to 6 range on a ten-point 'niceness' scale, when I finally had a relationship with someone who was at the 9 point level on that scale, I assumed I had encountered a rare statistical anomaly and that she was the one to marry. On this basis, you should wait long enough before getting married to ensure that you have a broad enough statistical survey of potential life-partners that you manage to encounter the high-point statistical outlier before picking someone.

[Sisyphus]

Why is this in ethics?

[StringJunky]

Perhaps a purely statistical approach is a useful guide to getting married. Since all of the people I had extended relationships with were in the 4 to 6 range on a ten-point 'niceness' scale, when I finally had a relationship with someone who was at the 9 point level on that scale, I assumed I had encountered a rare statistical anomaly and that she was the one to marry. On this basis, you should wait long enough before getting married to ensure that you have a broad enough statistical survey of potential life-partners that you manage to encounter the high-point statistical outlier before picking someone.

 

Couldn't have put it better myself.

[lemur]

Old fashioned idea - How about getting married when you find someone you truly love? At that time I would not expect anyone to be making calculations concerning education, employment prospects or chance of having children.

I married at 22 (my wife was the same age). I'm pleased to say that after more than 50 years together we agree that it was the right thing to do.

Good point. If you meet someone who you truly believe you can happily spend the rest of your life with faithfully, it would not be wise to pass up the chance to marry them at any age. If you just think of marriage as a temporary commitment that can be severed whenever conditions are no longer favorable to the relationship, then you're not really looking for a spouse, imo, but on the other hand if you regard marriage as casual monogamy "for the time being," than what reason would you have not to get married and then get divorced later when the marriage no longer suits you?

 

Why is this in ethics?

Marriage has everything to do with ethics. You are establishing a committed, life-changing relationship that will have a major effect on your life course as well as that of your spouse. Certainly there are ethics involved with the intent and planning that you enter into a marriage with.

 

 

 

[Sisyphus]

 

Marriage has everything to do with ethics. You are establishing a committed, life-changing relationship that will have a major effect on your life course as well as that of your spouse. Certainly there are ethics involved with the intent and planning that you enter into a marriage with.

 

And that makes this an ethical question how?

[A Tripolation]

Coincidentally, I had a discussion on this subject with my 21 old year niece recently . She wants to travel around now she's got her degree and when she comes back she will settle down...in the meantime she might have 'random' experiences with people.

 

And that makes this an ethical question how?

 

I could turn it into an ethics question by responding to the first quote. Like is it more ethical to marry than sleep with random people? But I don't think that's what the OP meant...

[Doc. Josh]

Well im al most 23 and getting married in march, Ive been with my fiance for 3 1/2 years and things have gone ok for now. So ill keep you all updated on my status and we can make a statistic later on.

[lemur]

And that makes this an ethical question how?

 

The OP seems to be implying, for example, that marrying at a younger age is more likely to result in divorce. So if you consider it unethical to marry knowing that divorce is likely, then that would be how the OP is an ethics question/issue. Of course, I don't know if that was (part of) the OP's intent or not.

Edited February 15, 2011 by lemur

[hypervalent_iodine]

Coincidentally, I had a discussion on this subject with my 21 old year niece recently . She wants to travel around now she's got her degree and when she comes back she will settle down...in the meantime she might have 'random' experiences with people. I said this was a good idea and that she might try and put off settling down 'til she's at least in her mid-twenties, finally grown-up and got any need to 'experiment' with relationships out of the way. Too many people have families too early, then, when they are in their late-twenties get that urge to 'experiment' which they missed out when they were younger.

 

Hopefully, when she's reached that stage she will be fulfilled on the selfish/personal level and will be able to fully commit with no nagging/yearning distractions and give her future mate and any resulting off spring her undivided attention.

 

I say all this with the perspective of a person living in the UK, well aware of it's pretty high divorce rate, and wish to help her avoid the all too real possibility of marital unhappiness...especially for any children she may have.

 

 

Couldn't agree more. My mother's first marriage to my father was an utter disaster. The only reason they got married at all was because my mum was pregnant with me and her mother, being the conservative woman that she is, was very insistent they tie the knot as a result. 3 more kids later and 10 years of absolute hell and they finally went their separate ways.

 

 

[lemur]

Couldn't agree more. My mother's first marriage to my father was an utter disaster. The only reason they got married at all was because my mum was pregnant with me and her mother, being the conservative woman that she is, was very insistent they tie the knot as a result. 3 more kids later and 10 years of absolute hell and they finally went their separate ways.

Obviously many marriages end up failing, but I always wonder what it is about people and their relationships that make them impossible to sustain. How can some couples be compatible and others be fundamentally incompatible? One can also wonder if marriage-failure due to marrying at a young age would not occur if the same two people waited until they were older, and then the question would be why? I.e. what changed?

Edited February 16, 2011 by lemur

[StringJunky]

Obviously many marriages end up failing, but I always wonder what it is about people and their relationships that make them impossible to sustain. How can some couples be compatible and others be fundamentally incompatible? One can also wonder if marriage-failure due to marrying at a young age would not occur if the same two people waited until they were older, and then the question would be why? I.e. what changed?

 

The difference between marrying young and marrying later is that you are more likely to be aware of the variety of differences through previous liaisons and come to the realisation that perfect compatibility is largely a pipe-dream and you learn to modify your expectations of what can realistically be expected from yourself and any potential partner.

 

What changed? They did because they hadn't finished their physical and emotional maturity resulting in altered expectations and desires on the way...that's why I think 25+ is better age for starting families...the rate of change decreases markedly from this point I think for most people.

Edited February 16, 2011 by StringJunky

[Genecks]

Why is this in ethics?

 

*lights a cigarette and sips on his shot of whiskey*

Edited February 16, 2011 by Genecks

[Mr Skeptic]

I think the "best time" from biological, psychological, traditional, and sociological perspectives would each give different answers. Define what you mean by "best", and answers will be easier to find.

[Mr Rayon]

I think the "best time" from biological, psychological, traditional, and sociological perspectives would each give different answers. Define what you mean by "best", and answers will be easier to find.

 

Okay, what about biologically and pscyhologically speaking?

 

And what about sociologically speaking too?

 

I don't really care too much about what has been traditionally the best time for marriage.

[TonyMcC]

Marriage will always be something of a gamble. If you meet someone and feel that there wellbeing is more important than your own and sense they feel the same about you then (IMO) its time to take the chance. If you find your first argument concerns who should have the last Rolo then that is a serious pointer!

[StringJunky]

*lights a cigarette and sips on his shot of whiskey*

 

Ok...it's ethically irresponsible to have a family too early in ones developmental cycle because the risk of failure in the current Western social climate is disproportionately high....it is no longer taboo to divorce compared to 50 years ago or more (which previously COERCED people to stay together for fear of disdain and disapproval) and a consequence of this trend is more socially dysfunctional adults with no experience of stable relationships creating more and more dysfunctional families...it's self-perpetuating and muliplying ....if the social structure is too dynamic and fragmented within the family unit this will eventually erode cohesion and stability at the societal level. Inner city gangs are largely a' product of fragmented families and created by the innate human desire to to be part of a clearly defined and exclusive social group...that's their 'family'.

 

To allude to Shakespeare: if you are born within a tangled web...all you know how to weave is tangled webs.

 

There are macroscopic consequences to what happens at the microscopic family level.

[hypervalent_iodine]

Ok...it's ethically irresponsible to have a family too early in ones developmental cycle because the risk of failure in the current Western social climate is disproportionately high....it is no longer taboo to divorce compared to 50 years ago or more (which previously COERCED people to stay together for fear of disdain and disapproval) and a consequence of this trend is more socially dysfunctional adults with no experience of stable relationships creating more and more dysfunctional families...it's self-perpetuating and muliplying ....if the social structure is too dynamic and fragmented within the family unit this will eventually erode cohesion and stability at the societal level. Inner city gangs are largely a' product of fragmented families and created by the innate human desire to to be part of a clearly defined and exclusive social group...that's their 'family'.

 

To allude to Shakespeare: if you are born within a tangled web...all you know how to weave is tangled webs.

 

There are macroscopic consequences to what happens at the microscopic family level.

 

I do not agree that this is always the case. I come from an extremely dysfunctional family and had a pretty rough childhood as a result. I do not, however, consider myself to be a dysfunctional adult (or at the very least, I sure hope I am not). Certainly there are hurdles to overcome, but if you have the right attitude and you are able to perceive not the error in the ways of your parents, but the susceptibility for error in your own self, the cycle of 'weaving tangled webs' can be broken. Having said that, my anecdote is my no means proof of what is the norm. Breaking the cycle of 'tangled webs' is indeed a hard thing to do.

 

 

[StringJunky]

I do not agree that this is always the case. I come from an extremely dysfunctional family and had a pretty rough childhood as a result. I do not, however, consider myself to be a dysfunctional adult (or at the very least, I sure hope I am not). Certainly there are hurdles to overcome, but if you have the right attitude and you are able to perceive not the error in the ways of your parents, but the susceptibility for error in your own self, the cycle of 'weaving tangled webs' can be broken. Having said that, my anecdote is my no means proof of what is the norm. Breaking the cycle of 'tangled webs' is indeed a hard thing to do.

 

Of course, I was speaking in terms of general trends and there are always exceptions to these generalities especially in the field of human behaviour. It's hard to cover all bases when writing, especially when talking about a subject as messy and complex as human interactions.

 

More power to you for having the objectivity and foresight to visualise from the outside your situation and surmount it...many people don't have the mental faculty to do this.

Edited February 16, 2011 by StringJunky

[lemur]

Ok...it's ethically irresponsible to have a family too early in ones developmental cycle because the risk of failure in the current Western social climate is disproportionately high....it is no longer taboo to divorce compared to 50 years ago or more (which previously COERCED people to stay together for fear of disdain and disapproval) and a consequence of this trend is more socially dysfunctional adults with no experience of stable relationships creating more and more dysfunctional families...it's self-perpetuating and muliplying ....if the social structure is too dynamic and fragmented within the family unit this will eventually erode cohesion and stability at the societal level. Inner city gangs are largely a' product of fragmented families and created by the innate human desire to to be part of a clearly defined and exclusive social group...that's their 'family'.

This post, like the one about psychology and sociology prescribing different "best" ages for marriage confuses social science with the opinions and social mechanics it studies. Social science can no more prescribe the best age to marry than physics can prescribe the best momentum for two objects to collide. It can explain and predict a lot about the collision but the independent variable are, well, independent and variable.

 

I think you can generally say that it is unethical to enter into a marriage or other social interaction with the knowledge/intent that it is going to have deleterious consequences for the person(s) involved. But how can you expect someone to go into a marriage with knowledge that they don't have. If you're completely in love with a person you can't stand to lose, and your parent(s) tell you that you're too young to get married, who says that you should listen to them instead of your heart. After all, if the law says you're old enough to make your own adult decisions, why should you defer to your parents? Of course, the ideal (non-dysfunctional) situation would be where the relationship between the parents and adult child is mature enough that the adult child can accept advice from the parents and seriously take that information into consideration without it either determining their decision or them totally rebelling against it. Usually it seems like people are either doing the opposite of what their parents say because it's their parents, or they do whatever their parents say because it's their parents. Why are so few people capable of doing what they reason is best after seriously taking other people's advice into consideration?

 

What is really unethical is to willfully enter into a marriage with conscious intent to hurt the other person. Good faith marriages are never unethical, even when naiveté or love-blindness ensures there will be unplanned factors that end up affecting the relationship.

 

 

[imatfaal]

To allude to Shakespeare: if you are born within a tangled web...all you know how to weave is tangled webs.

 

Oh what a tangled web we weave,

When first we practise to deceive!

Sir Walter Scott, Marmion, Canto vi. Stanza 17.

Scottish author & novelist (1771 - 1832)

Sorry - can't stop being a pedant

Edited February 16, 2011 by imatfaal