What's your opinion on approaching random people?

[A Tripolation]

Do you think it's a good idea? Does it make you uncomfortable? Do you feel that it's a successful tactic when you have romantic intent?

 

I myself have approached three random girls in the past month, and successfully gotten dates with each (I attribute it to random luck. And dashing good looks). I've also approached random people and made new friends. Is this how most people meet new friends and romantic interests? Until I went to university, I never did such a thing and was never particularly extroversive, so I'd like new viewpoints on the topic.

[Xittenn]

I think you are just bragging about having found three dates ... you are pretty ok to look at

 

In Ontario it is very common to talk to people you don't know, maybe on the bus or in the movie theater. In BC it is very uncommon and I think it is largely attributed to the number of more recent immigrants, as opposed to being a body formed of well established individuals from many cultures. I am not suggesting it to be a culture clash, Ontario is a highly multi-cultural society.

 

I personally prefer a more open environment where people talk to me when I'm there and where I don't feel too reserved. I am sort of shy and I find it hard to approach strangers. I still feel approachable in BC though because a lot of people, especially older gentlemen and younger children, often make a point of smiling and saying hello. I think being open to interacting socially with others who you are unfamiliar with just makes for a much happier place to be.

[lemur]

I find it easy to say things to random strangers or hold a brief conversation with a stranger in public, but it becomes very awkward to me when I think about asking that person to exchange phone numbers or otherwise extend our public encounter into a private relationship. I don't know why this seems so awkward. I assume I am just shy or prudish or something like that. Maybe it is that the stakes of expressing a desire to go beyond spontaneous public contact seem high.

 

Xitten, flirt! Don't massage A Trip's ego more than it already has been by getting his 3 dates. A Trip, congrats on getting 3 dates just by approaching people in public. That's nice.

Edited April 7, 2011 by lemur

[A Tripolation]

I don't know why this seems so awkward.

 

This is mostly what I was trying to ask. Why is it that mostly everyone (that I know of, at least) seems to feel this way? Is it that way for everyone?

 

I personally prefer a more open environment where people talk to me when I'm there and where I don't feel too reserved. I am sort of shy and I find it hard to approach strangers.

 

So is that it? Shyness? No other underlying factors?

 

A Trip, congrats on getting 3 dates just by approaching people in public. That's nice.

 

Thanks. Pretty sure they were all drunk though.

Edited April 7, 2011 by A Tripolation

[Xittenn]

So is that it? Shyness? No other underlying factors?

 

For me? Not really! I think I have a nervous problem, I get tremors when I am confronted with approaching strangers. It's like, take karaoke for instance. I once sang Becks song Loser in front of a crowd of a couple hundred artists, film and game design students. I love to sing and I did really well but it made me shake out of control. People loved it and I had a blast but still. I have a lot of examples like these but this leads to unnecessary places like that debauchery party :/ And when I get angry I get the same thing, very violent tremors.

 

Now these are pretty extreme cases and I think because it becomes so intense I can sort of burn right through it when it happens. With people though, I still get the same nervous feeling, I get really scared of people. I've always had these issues and I think most people who know me would think this is really weird because I am a very sociable person. I can still feel this way even after knowing somebody for a very long time and it has a lot to do with self esteem and being shy. I may be crazy but my most basic internal pattern is to shrivel away and hide because I am not strong enough to face the people around me who often tend to be much stronger and better at being people.

[CaptainPanic]

Personally, I like to meet new people every now and then, and I don't mind to start the conversation myself. I'm not shy. It gets easier as you grow older (when I was younger, it used to make me really nervous).

 

It depends a bit on my own mood though... sometimes I am happy to sit with my friends, and we just happen to be in a bar together with people we do not know. Sometimes, I am even looking forward to meeting new people. I have even gone out alone a few times, which forces you to meet new people (or be lonely in a bar full of people - the saddest thing ever).

 

But everything heavily depends on opportunity.

- type of bar: lounge bar, regular bar, loud music

- position of people: sitting, standing, facing you, or with their back to you

- other people: are people already in a conversation

- etc.

 

For example: I really hate lounge-bars, because everybody is sitting down, and it makes it very difficult to approach people! Maybe in a few situations, it's possible to just sit down near other people (and enter their 'social space', allowing you to join in conversation), but most often it is impossible.

 

I also hate loud music. Since it takes quite some effort to say anything at all, you don't get a lot of time to interest someone to talk to you.

Casual chit-chat just does not justify the massive effort you have to put into talking screaming into someone's ear... and I suck at pickup lines that do the job in 1 sentence.

 

But there are plenty of places that are perfect.

[Marat]

Just as people who have no idea what you're laughing about will often start laughing just because you are, so too if you are extremely relaxed and comfortable when approaching a stranger, the stranger will often respond with equal ease to your approach. It is almost like hypnosis, group chanting, or crowd behavior, given that people have a natural tendency to go along with the way others are behaving. Visual cues are also important in such random approaches, and if you look 'normal' and non-threatening, and you have a certain Charles Boyer, Ray Milland, Ronald Coleman aspect about you, it helps.

 

I once had a long and friendly conversation with a woman I didn't know but spoke to on a trolley ride, and the chat was going quite well until I suddenly realized that everyone else on the trolley was listening to the conversation and following the drama, wondering whether I would ask her out before she reached her stop and got out. This made me feel too self-conscious to continue.

[lemur]

This is mostly what I was trying to ask. Why is it that mostly everyone (that I know of, at least) seems to feel this way? Is it that way for everyone?

It probably depends one what is inside each individual cognitively and emotionally at the moment the desire comes to take social initiative.

 

So is that it? Shyness? No other underlying factors?

So many factors can be at work. For me at least, part of the problem is that the moment you switch from casual public conversation with no strings attached to making plans, you are starting to attach those strings. E.g. if you're just chit-chatting and the other person isn't amused, they can just be on their way. But the more you get to be friends, the more sense of hurtfulness there is if one of you doesn't want to see the other anymore. So once you take that initiative to make plans together, you're raising the ante of what's to lose if things don't work out. Different people have different tolerances at different levels of contact, but if you're aware of the kinds of situations/conflicts you can get into, it can make you apprehensive about "getting involved" unless you're pretty sure it's not going to end up hurting anyone's feelings.

Thanks. Pretty sure they were all drunk though.

Be careful. I knew someone that would party a lot and ask men out at bars. They would say yes but then not show up for the date (stood her up). So people sometimes say yes because they're in that mood and then change their minds later when sober, etc. But of course they probably wouldn't have said yes at all if they didn't find you interesting, so if things don't work out at least you know it wasn't because they didn't like anything about you. I am being too pessimistic though. Probably it will just go well and your biggest problem will be how to juggle three.

 

For me? Not really! I think I have a nervous problem, I get tremors when I am confronted with approaching strangers. It's like, take karaoke for instance. I once sang Becks song Loser in front of a crowd of a couple hundred artists, film and game design students. I love to sing and I did really well but it made me shake out of control. People loved it and I had a blast but still. I have a lot of examples like these but this leads to unnecessary places like that debauchery party :/ And when I get angry I get the same thing, very violent tremors.

 

Now these are pretty extreme cases and I think because it becomes so intense I can sort of burn right through it when it happens. With people though, I still get the same nervous feeling, I get really scared of people. I've always had these issues and I think most people who know me would think this is really weird because I am a very sociable person. I can still feel this way even after knowing somebody for a very long time and it has a lot to do with self esteem and being shy. I may be crazy but my most basic internal pattern is to shrivel away and hide because I am not strong enough to face the people around me who often tend to be much stronger and better at being people.

Xitten, it sounds like you are nervous because you want to control yourself and your situation to make sure things happen perfectly. I would guess you are somewhat of a perfectionist and you get very embarrassed when imperfection or awkwardness is apparent. You probably also feel out-of-control if you get angry and worry that if you express it, people will just disrespect you and take you that much less seriously. I think you need to find some people or situations where you can let go a little and just express your anger or do your singing and just freely be yourself generally. I think this would help you develop self-confidence by showing you that the things you worry about aren't as big a deal as you worry that they are. E.g. you could probably get pretty angry at someone and criticize them fairly aggressively and as long as you didn't really hurt their feelings with insults, etc. they would just accept you as being upset. People aren't usually as sensitive to other people's outbursts as they are embarrassed about their own. I suppose that's very generalizing, but I think it would be true in your case that you would consider your own angry outburst more shocking than whoever you were with.

 

 

[Doc. Josh]

Is very awkward for me to speak to a woman i am interested in but not for somebody else. My profession requires good verbal skills and i talk to large groups and strangers daily. Even being in a bar i can speak to whom ever as long as i am not attracted to her. So it may just be a fear of rejection, but from what i observed im many places this is very common.