in need of help (please read)

[Binge&Purge]

hello. i'll try to make this short and sweet but im in need of serious help. im not a scientist, maybe my own pharmacist, but definately not a scientist. my brief history is that ive been suffering from severe depression and anxiety maybe as young as the age of 10. by 15 i began self mutilating myself, saw a psychologist... nothing helped. by 23 i was but on 50mg of zoloft and 0.5mg of xanax. it helped for alil while. decided i needed to see a psychiatrist. whithin the first visit she had me on zyprexa, paxil, zoloft, and klonopin. i was a walking zombie. checked myself into the psych ward at a nearby hospital after trying to come off these psycho-pharmacueticals... all they did at the hospital was lock me in a room for 3 days pump me full of ativan and ambien and let me sit there till i was finally able to be released. at the age of 24 i got injured at work. a ton of steel fell off a forklift and hit me. i was prescribed vicodin, then percocet. at this point i realized that the opiates made the depression go away. but soon after i started taking more and more. ive done every opiate know to man. it got to the point where i realized i was a drug addict and know am currently clean after rehab.

 

i currently take 60mg of cymbalta and 10 mg of valium a day and i dont abuse the valium. i recently tried coming off the valium under a doctors care using 75mg of librium a day. well after about two weeks of wanting to commit suicide and thinking of seriously harming myself i went back on the valium.

 

here's my question: 1) is there any hope for me? 2) are there any anti-depressants that will make me happy like when i was taking opiates?

 

also ive tried suboxone treatment but i dont want to be on anything anymore. im sick of this. i know you cant be on opiates your whole life, but if the option is taking a razor blade to myself or taking an opiate a day which is better. im an active 28yr old i started going to the gym again i have a dog and a beautiful girlfriend and a loving family and all i can think about is wanting to die.

 

i love how it was so easy for me to get put on all these meds but when i was to come off i cant get an appointment or the fact that ive been turned down by 6 psychiatrists whithin the past year cause "they dont think they are the right person for me"