Please analyze my research paper intro?

[Bellabob]

I'm writing a paper for biology class and we are allowed to choose our topics. I chose biodiversity and why it's important. I have written the intro and some of the body, but I just want you to read the intro and tell me if anything needs to be improved, removed, or if there are any grammar mistakes. Here it is:

 

 

 

"What is biological diversity (or biodiversity)? 'Biodiversity' is a collective term meaning 'all life on earth'. The Convention of Biological Diversity defines biodiversity as: 'The variability among living organisms from all sources, including inter alia, terrestrial, marine and other aquatic ecosystems and the ecological complexes of which they are apart; this includes diversity within species, between species, and of ecosystems'. People often hear about biodiversity, on the news, in the paper, radio shows, articles in magazines, etc. Scientists are trying to get the public aware of biodiversity and why it's important."

 

 

It looks a lot longer written on a sheet of paper. Your help is highly appreciated.

[Xittenn]

1) Try combining these into one complete thesis statement:

 

"What is biological diversity (or biodiversity)? 'Biodiversity' is a collective term meaning 'all life on earth'. Scientists are trying to get the public aware of biodiversity and why it's important."

 

2) Is it? How do you know this? (I know its in the next statement but introducing the source when you introduce the definition keeps the reader from)

 

'Biodiversity' is a collective term meaning 'all life on earth'.

 

3) Is all of this necessary to an intro? You have also already at this point given it a definition, why are you redefining it again? Is there some conflict between your definition and their definition?

 

The Convention of Biological Diversity defines biodiversity as: 'The variability among living organisms from all sources, including inter alia, terrestrial, marine and other aquatic ecosystems and the ecological complexes of which they are apart; this includes diversity within species, between species, and of ecosystems'.

 

4) Again why is this important?

 

People often hear about biodiversity, on the news, in the paper, radio shows, articles in magazines, etc.

 

5) Why is biodiversity important? You don't actually ever mention why it is important!

 

- does it affect how we live?

 

- do we benefit from it?

 

- what is the underlying cause of biodiversity?

 

- what exactly do you hope to make people aware of with respect to the topic? are you going to be talking about Darwin's Natural Selection? maybe about how medicine would be no where near as developed as it is now if it weren't for biodiversity? what happened in the three billion years that brought us here and when was biodiversity even achieved? ( hint: not three billion years ago)

 

The following are probably not very appropriate for an introductory paragraph: ' ' I like that you chose to use apostrophes instead of quotations because I prefer to see terms that are being defined in apostrophes, but honestly most essays require a number of defining ideas and so this kind of clutters the text. I would suggest to save these for those really special ah ha moments. Secondly etc. has absolutely no place in a first paragraph. It indicates that you will be giving too much information and the information that you will be presenting will be of very little value. Being able to professionally impress your reader is something you really want to learn now and not later when you are scrambling for your grades \o hi! Don't hesitate to get enthusiastic and excited (what I just did there was bad they are two very closely related properties but I was being rhetorical so bare with me)! Have fun with your assignment. : )

 

**Don't hesitate to edit your work, it means that you care!

Edited March 6, 2012 by Xittenn

[imatfaal]

I'm writing a paper for biology class and we are allowed to choose our topics. I chose biodiversity and why it's important. I have written the intro and some of the body, but I just want you to read the intro and tell me if anything needs to be improved, removed, or if there are any grammar mistakes. Here it is:

 

 

 

"What is biological diversity (or biodiversity)? 'Biodiversity' is a collective term meaning 'all life on earth'. The Convention of Biological Diversity defines biodiversity as: 'The variability among living organisms from all sources, including inter alia, terrestrial, marine and other aquatic ecosystems and the ecological complexes of which they are apart; this includes diversity within species, between species, and of ecosystems'. People often hear about biodiversity, on the news, in the paper, radio shows, articles in magazines, etc. Scientists are trying to get the public aware of biodiversity and why it's important."

 

 

It looks a lot longer written on a sheet of paper. Your help is highly appreciated.

 

 

Agree with most of Xittenn's points.

 

I would raise another - as a pernickity lawyer I would say that you have given two definitions in your first three sentences that are at odds with each other.

To be explicit, is biodiversity.

i. the collective term for all life on earth ( and I don't believe there is any reason to have single or double quotes around that)

ii. the DIVERSITY and VARIABILITY between and among all life on earth

The first is a simple collective - the second describes the nature of that collective. I think the second is the important and correct version.

 

You have just under a 100 words - yet 10% of them are describing where you hear about biodiversity, which does not add much. The quote is long - but very useful; perhaps even more if you quickly mentioned where it is from - ie which group's convention.

 

In British English we would tend not to use "get people aware" - perhaps try "raise public awareness".

No space between "a part" at end of quote. Grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, and anything that demonstrates a lack of care can lose you points very quickly.

 

I would start with the sentence with the quote (expanded a bit and maybe even put a link to the webpage in a footnote/endnote). Continue by explaining the regular use of the term in the press, but the lack of real public understanding. A quick sentence stating why an understanding of biod is important. You can then explain the problem - biod is crucial, yet despite regular use it is not properly understood. You can then start to introduce your solution to the problem and prepare the reader for the rest of the paper.

[CharonY]

A few points, the first sentence is inaccurate as imatfaal pointed out (as well as the other points). A more general issue is whether the introduction actually leads into whatever you are talking about. E.g. definition of biodiversity, relevance of biodiversity or whatever. Right now it does not really lead anywhere.

[ewmon]

I'm writing a paper for biology class and we are allowed to choose our topics. I chose biodiversity and why it's important. I have written the intro and some of the body, but I just want you to read the intro and tell me if anything needs to be improved, removed, or if there are any grammar mistakes. Here it is:

 

What is biological diversity (or biodiversity), and why is it important? 'Biodiversity' is a collective term meaning 'all life on earth', and more precisely, the Convention of Biological Diversity defines biodiversity as: 'The variability among living organisms from all sources, including inter alia, terrestrial, marine and other aquatic ecosystems and the ecological complexes of which they are apart; this includes diversity within species, between species, and of ecosystems'.¹ People often hear typically learn about biodiversity, on through the news, in the newspapers, radio shows, articles in magazine articles, science and nature television shows, school science courses and textbooks, etc. Scientists are trying to get the public aware of biodiversity and why it's important. The current consensus among scientists is that biodiversity is important because ...

 

It looks a lot longer written on a sheet of paper. Your help is highly appreciated.

 

¹ http://www.cbd.int/convention/articles/?a=cbd-02