I'm so sad, where do I go from here

[cr4u]

Recently taken an interest in Psychology but not sure where to go from here.

 

What makes you have a good day or a bad day?

 

I have put on a brave face since the end of my marriage but now feel that I need some help as it's not getting any better after 18 months.

 

I have had a good life and done so many things that other people will never do in a life time and I have never suffered any depression. It's like everything has come to an end,all in one go. I'm 64, fit as a 25 year old, no problems there but can see the light dimming at the end of the tunnel.

 

Still maintained my ridiculous sense of humor, but so many people are so serious and just don't get it and think I'm just going senile.

 

I get myself out a lot and still do much more than most people of my age.

 

The big question, why am I sad when I have so much going for me?

 

Where can I get help, I'm drinking too much!

 

I don't need a GP and tablets, I need to find out what's wrong and how to correct it.

 

Would someone please point me in the right direction?

 

Hope I've posted correctly.

 

Thank you

 

 

 

 

[dimreepr]

As much as you seem to not like the answer, you are clearly depressed; as such you need to seek, some form of, professional help, the alcohol abuse is a clear indicator and is extremely difficult to control.

 

The following may seem frivolous but it has helped me, I hope it does the same for you.

[Endy0816]

Could you tell us more about what brought on the end of your marriage?

 

 

If you reread what you wrote; you described it in less than a sentence, while describing everything else in detail.

 

 

This may be of some help:

 

5 Stages of Loss and Grief

 

I've always found it puts things into perspective.

Edited August 27, 2013 by Endy0816

[Phi for All]

Relationships, drugs, alcohol, money, sex, these things produce or mix with chemicals to alter our perceptions (usually for the better) and become integral to our lives. We feel withdrawal when we don't get enough of them.

 

I would advise finding a replacement that doesn't have the negative side that drugs and alcohol do. Music or theater are good emotional and creative outlets that make you feel good and offer the chance to meet other people. Community college courses in subjects you always meant to study are likewise great for feeling good and meeting others.

[Tridimity]

Hi cr4u,

 

I think the reason that you feel sad is because you are missing that special emotional connection that you shared with your wife. Basically to fix the problem and to feel better, I think you need to find a new relationship in which you have that same intense degree of emotional connection.

 

It’s hard in the meantime, I know, but don’t forget that you’re not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Tridimity

[cr4u]

As much as you seem to not like the answer, you are clearly depressed; as such you need to seek, some form of, professional help, the alcohol abuse is a clear indicator and is extremely difficult to control.

 

The following may seem frivolous but it has helped me, I hope it does the same for you.

Thank you very much, you made me laugh

Could you tell us more about what brought on the end of your marriage?

 

 

If you reread what you wrote; you described it in less than a sentence, while describing everything else in detail.

 

 

This may be of some help:

 

5 Stages of Loss and Grief

 

I've always found it puts things into perspective.

 

Could you tell us more about what brought on the end of your marriage?

 

 

If you reread what you wrote; you described it in less than a sentence, while describing everything else in detail.

 

 

This may be of some help:

 

5 Stages of Loss and Grief

 

I've always found it puts things into perspective.

Thank you, I will keep reading and absorb it. Probably not able to go in to the fine detail but end of marriage was the start of the problem. It was very sudden and final after 14 years of happiness. I have accepted that I can doing nothing about it and therefore try not to dwell on it or discuss it. I try very hard to be positive and go forward.

Relationships, drugs, alcohol, money, sex, these things produce or mix with chemicals to alter our perceptions (usually for the better) and become integral to our lives. We feel withdrawal when we don't get enough of them.

 

I would advise finding a replacement that doesn't have the negative side that drugs and alcohol do. Music or theater are good emotional and creative outlets that make you feel good and offer the chance to meet other people. Community college courses in subjects you always meant to study are likewise great for feeling good and meeting others.

 

Thanks, I have been doing some courses and yes time passes very quickly and I'm usually OK when doing that. It's the usual holidays and weekends alone but working to try and improve that.

Hi cr4u,

 

I think the reason that you feel sad is because you are missing that special emotional connection that you shared with your wife. Basically to fix the problem and to feel better, I think you need to find a new relationship in which you have that same intense degree of emotional connection.

 

It’s hard in the meantime, I know, but don’t forget that you’re not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Tridimity

Thanks for the hugs, very kind of you. Yes you are right, and I think the problem is getting worse rather than better as I have now realised it is much harder finding someone at my age, when I was younger it was very easy. Again you are right that whilst I feel like it's only happened to me, nearly everyone I speak to has had a similar problem at some time in their life.

[Endy0816]

Thank you, I will keep reading and absorb it. Probably not able to go in to the fine detail but end of marriage was the start of the problem. It was very sudden and final after 14 years of happiness. I have accepted that I can doing nothing about it and therefore try not to dwell on it or discuss it. I try very hard to be positive and go forward.

 

 

Could that be the issue?

 

You need to let what you are feeling show and find someone to talk with.

 

Just to give you a sense of your writing; we have no idea if you are male, female, a divorcee or a widower. I don't like giving out personal details online either, but you can still share while maintaining relative anonymity.

[cr4u]

 

 

Could that be the issue?

 

You need to let what you are feeling show and find someone to talk with.

 

Just to give you a sense of your writing; we have no idea if you are male, female, a divorcee or a widower. I don't like giving out personal details online either, but you can still share while maintaining relative anonymity.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I don't think it's the problem as I'm very practical, logical and realistic. The way I see it is that no amount of talking about it will affect the end result. It should never have happened but it has and that's really the end of it. I have to accept it (done) move forward and not dwell on the past (doing), don't bore everyone with my problems, find new hobbies and lots of interests. But for some reason the sadness is getting worse rather than better after 18 months and that's the bit I don't understand. I have no family of my own but that's no problem as I'm fairly happy with my own company most of the time. Always been a one man, one woman and done everything together. My whole life did revolve around my wife's large family, so I went from big family to no family overnight. In a sense I don't think that bothers me too much, though I am disappointed that everyone has dumped me. Was never truly accepted as being a REAL member of the family anyhow, they were all a bit false except for my wife. Invested 14 years in another persons family and have nothing to show for it, must be better investments, will not be doing that one again. If I was to be honest, I am still slightly angry about what happened but think that's acceptable. If you had invested £20,000 and lost it you would be slightly angry? I suppose you could read all sorts in to this but I'm throwing it all around to try and identify the problem myself, being a logical person. I am moving on and I'm not dwelling on it.

 

 

Could that be the issue?

 

You need to let what you are feeling show and find someone to talk with.

 

Just to give you a sense of your writing; we have no idea if you are male, female, a divorcee or a widower. I don't like giving out personal details online either, but you can still share while maintaining relative anonymity.

Yes I'm a divorced male 64

[dimreepr]

Denying the past won’t serve to change it, you need to mourn what you’ve lost and talking most definitely helps however counterintuitive that may seem. Accepting, is also part of the grieving process; the money invested is truly insignificant when compared to the emotional investment. Good luck finding your answers.

[Endy0816]

Good job on opening up. It is perfectly natural to feel angry and not want to talk about the situation.

 

 

Denying the past won’t serve to change it, you need to mourn what you’ve lost and talking most definitely helps however counterintuitive that may seem. Accepting, is also part of the grieving process; the money invested is truly insignificant when compared to the emotional investment. Good luck finding your answers.

 

This says it pretty well.

 

 

Besides needing to grieve the other issue is you have lost your primary social group.

 

Your subconscious mind has been trying to tell you this. With acknowledgement, you can apply your rational mind to finding a solution.

 

As long as your subconscious knows you are working on the problem it'll start letting you rest easier and you'll stop feeling as depressed.

 

Work can serve temporarily. Long term you need something outside of that. Just about anything can work; forums, clubs, religious groups, leagues, even just drinking buddies at the pub. Do whatever you feel most comfortable with.

Edited August 29, 2013 by Endy0816

[Tridimity]

My whole life did revolve around my wife's large family, so I went from big family to no family overnight. In a sense I don't think that bothers me too much, though I am disappointed that everyone has dumped me. Was never truly accepted as being a REAL member of the family anyhow, they were all a bit false except for my wife. Invested 14 years in another persons family and have nothing to show for it, must be better investments, will not be doing that one again. If I was to be honest, I am still slightly angry about what happened but think that's acceptable.

 

 

I don't know the details of the nature of the separation between you and your wife, but it seems a shame that you should lose your extended family as a result of private matters between the two of you. Is there no scope for you to be able to stay on amicable terms with your ex-wife? Couldn't you meet occasionally as friends? Perhaps it is too soon for that and you both need time to emotionally process the ramifications of your divorce. But perhaps you could get to that place of neutrality and friendship? Likewise, would it be possible for you to maintain your relationships with members of her family (or do you no longer wish to do this)?

 

Whatever happens, it would be good for you to strengthen and widen your circle of friends. Also, depending on the severity of your sadness, you may wish to seek the help of a counsellor.

 

Best wishes,

 

Tri

[cr4u]

Denying the past won’t serve to change it, you need to mourn what you’ve lost and talking most definitely helps however counterintuitive that may seem. Accepting, is also part of the grieving process; the money invested is truly insignificant when compared to the emotional investment. Good luck finding your answers.

Thanks, no money was actually lost, it was just my way of jus

 

Denying the past won’t serve to change it, you need to mourn what you’ve lost and talking most definitely helps however counterintuitive that may seem. Accepting, is also part of the grieving process; the money invested is truly insignificant when compared to the emotional investment. Good luck finding your answers.

Thanks for that advice, no money was actually lost, just figuratively speaking

Good job on opening up. It is perfectly natural to feel angry and not want to talk about the situation.

 

 

 

This says it pretty well.

 

 

Besides needing to grieve the other issue is you have lost your primary social group.

 

Your subconscious mind has been trying to tell you this. With acknowledgement, you can apply your rational mind to finding a solution.

 

As long as your subconscious knows you are working on the problem it'll start letting you rest easier and you'll stop feeling as depressed.

 

Work can serve temporarily. Long term you need something outside of that. Just about anything can work; forums, clubs, religious groups, leagues, even just drinking buddies at the pub. Do whatever you feel most comfortable with.

Thank you, I have one good drinking buddy who has decided to look after me and I have bored him to death with it, poor guy, so yes I have been able to discuss it with someone otherwise I think it would have been a lot worse. Everything seemed to come at the same time, break up, no work, no money and problems trying to start a new relationship. Well today I just sold my house (which I really wanted to do, memories etc.) and it has really made me feel a lot better, as though finally something is starting to go right. I'm feeling a lot more positive about the future, as though it's all new from here onwards if that makes sense? Suppose I should feel sad about selling the house really (most people would) the planning ahead is keeping me busy and enthusiastic even though I have no idea where I am going to end up.

 

I don't know the details of the nature of the separation between you and your wife, but it seems a shame that you should lose your extended family as a result of private matters between the two of you. Is there no scope for you to be able to stay on amicable terms with your ex-wife? Couldn't you meet occasionally as friends? Perhaps it is too soon for that and you both need time to emotionally process the ramifications of your divorce. But perhaps you could get to that place of neutrality and friendship? Likewise, would it be possible for you to maintain your relationships with members of her family (or do you no longer wish to do this)?

 

Whatever happens, it would be good for you to strengthen and widen your circle of friends. Also, depending on the severity of your sadness, you may wish to seek the help of a counsellor.

 

Best wishes,

 

Tri

Thanks for the help. Yes my wife did actually want to remain friends and could not understand why I did not. However, I was getting mixed messages and seriously confused. She would hold my hand, ask to go for bike rides and discuss all the wonderful things we had done together, then say she would never find anyone like me. I was living in hope that we were getting it back together, only to be told that the divorce papers were on the way and bye the way could I help with DIY on here new house. I was having real highs and lows so decided it was best to end it completely. She was also a quite a bit younger and would have no problems meeting someone. I thought it would be devastating to then see her with someone else. So that for me was the end full stop, not a thing left in the house to remind me of her. I thought why would I want to remain friends with someone who does not want me, so channel all my efforts in to someone who does want me (still to find that). As you can see, I don't have a problem discussing things, still got my SOH and have no problems laughing at myself. Think another problem was that the family only heard her side of the story, no one wanted to hear my side of the argument. Mums and daughters stick together, understandable I suppose.

[Tridimity]

I thought it would be devastating to then see her with someone else. So that for me was the end full stop, not a thing left in the house to remind me of her. I thought why would I want to remain friends with someone who does not want me, so channel all my efforts in to someone who does want me (still to find that).

 

 

I can understand your not wanting to see her with a new partner and for this reason it is probably wise to have constructed definite boundaries. For the sake of your own interests in, say, five or ten years time - when you will probably have moved on and be happy with a new partner, and when you no longer have any wish to return to your ex-wife - it might be worth keeping a channel of communication that you can use in the future. You may find that you miss her as a friend and miss her company. I suppose that's one of the hardest things about divorce: you wish to seek comfort from your best friend, only, your best friend is now your ex. She has had a very substantial impact on your life - and you on hers - and no amount of time will erase that. For this reason, it may be worth keeping contact avenues open, even if at times it does feel like the Moscow-Washington hotline

[cr4u]

Thanks, no money was actually lost, it was just my way of jus

 

Thanks for that advice, no money was actually lost, just figuratively speaking

Thank you, I have one good drinking buddy who has decided to look after me and I have bored him to death with it, poor guy, so yes I have been able to discuss it with someone otherwise I think it would have been a lot worse. Everything seemed to come at the same time, break up, no work, no money and problems trying to start a new relationship. Well today I just sold my house (which I really wanted to do, memories etc.) and it has really made me feel a lot better, as though finally something is starting to go right. I'm feeling a lot more positive about the future, as though it's all new from here onwards if that makes sense? Suppose I should feel sad about selling the house really (most people would) the planning ahead is keeping me busy and enthusiastic even though I have no idea where I am going to end up.

Thanks for the help. Yes my wife did actually want to remain friends and could not understand why I did not. However, I was getting mixed messages and seriously confused. She would hold my hand, ask to go for bike rides and discuss all the wonderful things we had done together, then say she would never find anyone like me. I was living in hope that we were getting it back together, only to be told that the divorce papers were on the way and bye the way could I help with DIY on here new house. I was having real highs and lows so decided it was best to end it completely. She was also a quite a bit younger and would have no problems meeting someone. I thought it would be devastating to then see her with someone else. So that for me was the end full stop, not a thing left in the house to remind me of her. I thought why would I want to remain friends with someone who does not want me, so channel all my efforts in to someone who does want me (still to find that). As you can see, I don't have a problem discussing things, still got my SOH and have no problems laughing at myself. Think another problem was that the family only heard her side of the story, no one wanted to hear my side of the argument. Mums and daughters stick together, understandable I suppose.

 

 

I don't know the details of the nature of the separation between you and your wife, but it seems a shame that you should lose your extended family as a result of private matters between the two of you. Is there no scope for you to be able to stay on amicable terms with your ex-wife? Couldn't you meet occasionally as friends? Perhaps it is too soon for that and you both need time to emotionally process the ramifications of your divorce. But perhaps you could get to that place of neutrality and friendship? Likewise, would it be possible for you to maintain your relationships with members of her family (or do you no longer wish to do this)?

 

Whatever happens, it would be good for you to strengthen and widen your circle of friends. Also, depending on the severity of your sadness, you may wish to seek the help of a counsellor.

 

Best wishes,

 

Tri

Just a bit more thought on that one about maintaining relationships. I think that was making me worse, hearing what everyone is up to, where they are going, what's happening at Christmas etc. and then I go home alone and think about what they are all doing and what I am missing, they are all having a good time whilst I'm very sad about it all. So I think it's natural and logical to feel the way I do but was called a Psycho (by one of the daughters) because of the way I handle things. Naturally I don't think I am but would take it onboard if someone was to point out that my way of dealing with things is not normal. I've just upset myself and started crying, never done it before, I suppose it's because I feel people are listening to my side of the story for a change? I did think about deleting the last bit but why should I be embarrassed, it may help someone else.

[Endy0816]

I've just upset myself and started crying, never done it before, I suppose it's because I feel people are listening to my side of the story for a change? I did think about deleting the last bit but why should I be embarrassed, it may help someone else.

 

 

That is the right attitude to take.

 

I think it is safe to tell you now, that you were denying your emotions earlier. I do apologize for the blunt questions, I just don't know any better way to break people out of that stasis.

 

You are going to be more emotional for awhile, you are past the main roadblock though.

 

Congrats on selling the house, just try and connect with people wherever you end up going.

[cr4u]

 

 

That is the right attitude to take.

 

I think it is safe to tell you now, that you were denying your emotions earlier. I do apologize for the blunt questions, I just don't know any better way to break people out of that stasis.

 

You are going to be more emotional for awhile, you are past the main roadblock though.

 

Congrats on selling the house, just try and connect with people wherever you end up going.

Well thanks all, I'm feeling a bit better already, been invited away for a few days and have decided to go and do it, would normally have declined, so wont be able to answer any posts for a few days. Really appreciate the help!