Being a good democrat

[fafalone]

Virtually anyone can be a Democrat. Just simply quit thinking and vote that way.

 

But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites you must have first. Compare the below and see how you rate.

 

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

 

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

 

3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.

 

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

 

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

 

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

 

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

 

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

 

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.

 

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

 

11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

 

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

 

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

 

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinmen are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.

 

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

 

16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.

 

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.

 

18. You have to believe Republicans telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.

 

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

 

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

 

 

Courtesy of http://jokesnjokes.tripod.com/Political/politician014.htm

[fafalone]

You Might Be A Democrat If...

 

You vote Democrat because it's easier than getting a job!

 

You think the rich can get richer off people who have no money.

 

You've named your kids "Stardust" or "Moonbeam".

 

You've tried to argue that all of societies problems are based on the fact that McDonald's, by law, only has to pay $5/hr.

 

If you utter the phrase "There ought to be a law" at least once a week.

 

If you have ever used the phrase "protecting prisoner's rights".

 

If you find yourself nodding vigorously and saying "someone finally said it right" during an episode of Oprah.

 

You call the execution of a homicidal maniac "murder" but call murder "pro-choice".

 

You've ever referred to the Military/Industrial Complex during a conversation.

 

You know you never laughed as a kid, the world was in just too bad a shape.

 

All of your 1970's "Beware of Global Freezing" signs now have "Beware of Global Warming" on the back.

 

Your friends told you how much fun you had at the Grateful Dead show, but your not sure what year you saw them.

 

You file suit against the mall rent-a-cops for posting signs stating that your bags are subject to inspection.

 

You've ever argued that "you can't legislate morality".

 

Referred to the Founding Fathers as "those aristocratic, chauvinistic, lily white, slave owning, land stealing oppressors of indigenous personnel".

 

You argued that a few more months of sanctions and Saddam Hussein would fold like rookie poker player.

 

You know more than 2 people who have a degree in "Women's Studies"

 

You've ever said "But look at all the good Ted Kennedy has done for the women of this country!"

 

You blame things on "The Man."

 

You believe that Bart Simpson only needs a little more affection.

 

You've ever stared at a wall and said "Now THAT is definitely man's inhumanity to man!"

 

You argue that the only flaw with Marx is that Russia was an agrarian society.

 

You've ever called the meter maid a Fascist.

 

You are giddy at the prospect of the return of bell bottoms.

 

You argue that the Second Amendment only refers to Federally organized militias.

 

You view Jane Fonda as a courageous heroine with strong convictions.

 

You view Hootie and the Blowfish as the bedrock of culture refinement

 

After looking at your pay stub you can still say "America is under-taxed."

 

You've ever said "We really should call the ACLU about this".

 

You've ever referred to "the glass ceiling".

 

You know 2 or more people with "concrete proof" that the Pentagon is covering up: Roswell, the Kennedy assassination, the CIA's role in creating AIDS.

 

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember.

 

You've ever owned a VW bug or ridden in a Microbus.

 

You own something that says Dukakis for President, and still display it.

 

You believe it because "Dan Rather wouldn't lie about something this important".

 

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."

 

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "is a victim of Draconian budget cuts."

 

You've ever argued that with just 1 more year of welfare that person will turn it around and get off drugs.

 

You think Lennon was a brilliant social commentator.

 

You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.

 

You are outraged that Baseball Players make millions and the poor clerk at the unemployment office only makes 28 bucks an hour doing such good work.

 

You believe that an elected official attending religious services is a violation of the separation of Church and state.

 

You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.

 

You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.

 

You think that Al Gore macherena thing was a laugh riot.

 

You feel that Green Peace is misunderstood.

 

You keep your PC dictionary with you at all times so as not to offend.

 

You think communism will catch on once society has evolved.

 

You've tried to argue in favor of anything based on "Well, they're gonna do it anyway so....".

 

You've ever stated "How does what he does in his personal life have any bearing on doing his job?"

 

You think that it was outrageous that Nixon lied. But when Clinton lied to the American public, we shouldn't meddle in his personal life.

[Sayonara]

I'm surprised to see this here.

 

Actually wait... no I'm not.

[fafalone]

You Might Be A Liberal If...

 

You think people who make above minimum wage are rich and should be taxed at 90 percent.

 

Upon hearing that President Clinton committed a rape and murder as part of Whitewater, you replied, "So what?"

 

You blame the Republicans for rainy weather.

 

You think Hillary Clinton is, "A babe."

 

You think George Stephenapolis is, "A hunk."

 

You paid $500,000.00 for a beer keg once used by John F. Kennedy.

 

You protested American intervention in Vietnam, but support American intervention in Haiti, Somalia, and Bosnia.

 

If the years 1966 through 1974 are vague memories because of the effects of drug abuse.

 

You are not shocked when someone says "F---" but are profoundly shocked when someone says "N-----".

 

You think Newt Gingrich should be dipped in gravy train and fed to a pack of ravenous poodles.

 

You think that a naval aircraft carrier should be named after George McGovern, but then you remember that one aircraft carrier could feed a million starving children for a year.

 

Upon hearing of anything bad that has happened, the first thing you think should be done is that the oil companies should be investigated.

 

You are against sexual harassment except when committed by Senator Kennedy.

 

You think heterosexual love is a male chauvinist plot to oppress women.

 

You think Al Franken is actually funny, but Rush Limbaugh is not.

 

You ever proposed that cockroaches should be placed on the endangered species list.

 

You ever drove to an Earth Day rally in a Lincoln Towncar, or a Ferrari.

 

You object to little old ladies wearing fur, but not big, mean bikers wearing leather.

 

You once referred to President Reagan as "that man in the White House."

 

You think that the Unabomber "has a point.

 

You think that Doctors should be made into government bureaucrats, but that lawyers should not.

 

You cried out, "Where did I go wrong!" when your son or daughter joined the Marine Corps. You've felt compelled to buy the child rearing book entitled, "How to get your Children to Say No in the 90s When You Said Yes in the 60s."

 

You think O.J. is actually innocent, but that Bernard Goetz is not.

 

You don't go into a fit of rage when Barney is on TV. Or Pat Schroeder Or David Bonior.

 

You are against prayer in public schools, even before math tests

[greg1917]

I know little of American politics other than when the globe laughed hysterically as the worlds policeman fumbled and made a meal over an apparently simple emocratic proces, an election. To achieve balance to the force - how to be a good republican.

 

1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.

 

2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

 

3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.

 

4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.

 

5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.

 

6. You have to believe everything Rush Limbaugh says.

 

7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

 

8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

 

9. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

 

10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.

 

11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

 

12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.

 

13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

 

14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

 

15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.

 

16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

 

17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.

 

18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.

[fafalone]

Question - What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

 

Answer -A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

 

Question - What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?

 

Answer -A competent liberal President.

 

Question - Why do the male members of the Kennedy family cry while having sex?

 

Answer - Mace.

 

Question - Who was the first liberal Democrat?

 

Answer -Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going,got there not knowing where he was,left not knowing where he'd been and did it all on borrowed money.

 

Liberals are like seagulls: all they do is squawk, eat crap, and they are protected by the government.

[Giles]

Ladeezangentlemen, american democratic discourse in action!

[matthew]

That was probably the most hilarious thread i've read, but to support the first few... checking out "kinky sex makes the world go round" by the dead kennedys, and most works by nofx would be a great idea. (nofx - idiot son of an asshole : for all of you bush fanatics)

[KHinfcube22]

Ok, heres one.

 

A Democrat, Republican, and a Communist all go out camping. The are sitting by the campfire when the Democrat says hes hungry, and walks out into the forest. He comes back dragging a dear. he Republican asks how he did it. The Democrat replies "I saw some tracks, I followed the tracks, and I shot a dear." So the Republican goes out ino the woods. a bit later he come back dragging a rabbit. The communist asks how he got the rabbit. The Republican replies,"I saw some tracks, I followed the tracks, I shot the rabbit." So the Communist goes walking out into the woods. He comes back a few minutes later all bloody. The Democrat asks what happened. The Communist replies, "I saw some tracks, I follwed the tracks, I got hit by the train."

---

[phaseone]

You Might Be A Republican If...

 

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

 

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

 

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

 

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

 

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

 

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

 

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

 

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

 

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

 

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

 

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

 

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

 

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

 

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

 

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

 

You answer to "The Man."

 

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

 

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

 

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

 

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

 

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

 

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

 

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

 

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

 

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

 

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

 

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

 

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

 

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

 

You've ever called education a luxury.

 

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

 

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

 

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

 

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

 

You're afraid of the liberal media."

 

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

 

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

 

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

 

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

 

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/jokes/bljokerepublican.htm

 

 

YOU MIGHT BE A DEMOCRAT IF...

 

 

* You feel Fidelity means not cheating on your mistress.

 

* You think that pornography corrupts women, but find nothing wrong with a 50 year old president seducing a 21 year old intern.

 

* You cry every May 4th over the four people killed at Kent State, but have never been to the Vietnam Memorial.

 

* Along the same lines, "Four Dead in OHIO" by Neil Young gives you goosebumps, but "19" by Paul Hardcastle means nothing to you.

 

* You say shows like "Leave It to Beaver" are out of touch with America today, while you flip to your soap opera.

 

* You know of the stockpile of biological weapons in Iraq, but think that the US is wrong for not signing the land mines treaty.

 

* You want to know why we don't offer schooling in prisons (hey, isn't that what public schools are for).

 

* You think those stupid ribbons actually accomplish something.

 

* You tout the NAACP, but criticize anyone referring to a black man as a "colored person."

 

* You think a mother has a right to kill an innocent 5 month fetus because her pregnancy would interfere with her career, but feel we shouldn't put to death the man who raped and murdered 14 women.

 

* You feel that banning smoking in public indoor places limits your constitutional rights.

 

* You feel that being convicted of treason is an infringement on your first amendment rights.

 

* You honestly feel that alcoholics deserve social security disability benefits.

 

* You outwardly said "I would have voted for Elizabeth Dole" knowing darn well you wouldn't have because she is a Republican.

 

* You think it is ok for a President to commit perjury on his sex life, but criticize Dan Quayle for spelling potato/potatoe wrong.

 

* You stood on a soapbox demanding that Anita Hill be heard, but want Paula Jones' accusations to be swept under the rug.

 

* You think the guy who drops out of High School and builds your jeep deserves more money than the doctor who went to college for 10 years and saves your kids life.

 

* You sang along to "Give Peace a Chance" during the Gulf War.

 

* You've filed for unemployment within two weeks of getting out of high school.

 

* You went to Woodstock II and felt that it was a significant historical event, changing the way our country thinks.

 

* You own something that says, "Dukakis for President," and still display it.

 

* You've tried to argue in favor of anything based on, "Well, they're gonna do it anyway so..."

 

* You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."

 

* You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.

 

* You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."

 

* You've ever argued that with just one more year of welfare that person will turn it around and get off drugs.

 

* You think Lennon was a brilliant social commentator.

 

* You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.

 

* You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.

 

* After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."

 

http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/politicaljokes/democratif.shtml

[phaseone]

Already posted....