Dealing with Grief - How?

[jimmydasaint]

I lost my mother at the relatively tender age of 67 a few years ago. I lost my 24 year old son 3 months ago unexpectedly. I am struggling to cope with the grief and my moods are rollercoasting like a teenager. At least my mother had a reasonably good run but aged 24? How have others coped with grief? Can things get any worse?

[MigL]

Very sorry to hear of your loss.

 

I recommend finding a good listener to talk to.

Realise that they can't say anything to you to make things better, but they can let you vent and release some of your emotions.

Failing that, and I realise its not the same as having someone there to talk to, always feel free to talk to us here.

 

Its a tough thing, some of us have been there, but just about everybody will lose people they care for eventually.

 

Again, very sorry, and try and remember the good times you had together.

[jimmydasaint]

A heartfelt thank you mate. My friends have never had a loss such as I have had recently so it is out of their scope entirely to give any advice but they do listen. I am dreading Christmas when I will have time to reflect on things because it will not be a pleasant experience and involve some soul searching. We had good times but I wish we could have had more.

[imatfaal]

That's very sad news - and as you have hinted at above none of your friends will really be able to understand your inner sense of loss.

 

When I lost my brother, far too young and suddenly, I found displacement activities a god-send. Anything that was time-consuming, required concentration, and involved social interaction helped me realise that not every waking hour had to spent pondering. You mention Christmas - I spent one holiday season helping out at various London charities for this very reason; Crisis-at-Christmas was close to my brother's heart and thus my work served a dual purpose of continuing a family job and occupying my mind. At various drop-in centres during a cold Christmas I found the comfort and consolation from strangers - most of whom had suffered terribly in their lives and continued to be in dire circumstances - to be wonderful and therapeutic.

[Phi for All]

It's a terrible thing to lose a child and you have my deepest sympathies. I can't imagine the pain.

 

I know it's hard to think about now, but we humans actually do much better in dire circumstances than we believe we do. We remember the heartache and the suffering, and we forget the part where we were able to cope with all the stress and get on with our lives. We forget the daily battle to heal, but we do heal in time. Please remember this when you think you aren't handling things well.

 

I've been thinking lately about this concept of "I wish we could have had more good times together". Is there anyone you love that you couldn't say that about? Isn't this really just reviewing the good times you had and then feeling bad because they weren't unending? Let's be completely realistic here. The good times you have with someone are just that, they were really good times and should be remembered that way. I think we enjoy being with those we love and we look forward to the next time, and when there won't be a next time, we turn that anticipation into regret that we didn't get more time. Perfectly normal, I guess, but it makes you feel perfectly awful.

[Ophiolite]

I don't really have anything to add to the excellent earlier comments. I just wanted to express my own sympathy for your situation. Even trying to imagine what you must be going through I find immensely painful, so I have no real conception of the hurt you must feel. I hope you can take some comfort, no matter how small, from the fact that there are people out there who know you only as a name on a forum who are moved by your situation.

[iNow]

We've shared PMs about this and my original thoughts and compassion persist, but one point here for you and others to consider in the open....

 

You will be forever changed by this sad event and much of the path forward is simply learning how to once again be comfortable with yourself, how to exist as this new you and in the face of these new circumstances.

 

While sometimes a struggle to process and understand it, the pain is part of what reminds us just how profoundly we care for one another and it helps ensure those we love will be with us always even when they physically depart. We ultimately acclimate, we adapt, and in many cases eventually become thankful for that pain as it keeps those precious to is forever in our psyche and with us as we carry on.

 

In my experience, with the passage of time comes an appreciation of and respect for the pain, for without it there would be no texture or power to our joy and much less meaning to the love we feel.

 

You are mourning. You are not alone. Your pain is normal and will ebb and flow. That is normal, too. There are people who care for you. You have help available. Be patient and authentic with yourself and someday soon the happy memories will once again outnumber the distracting memories of loss currently drowning out most else.

[davidivad]

write his name in stone for the world to see.

leave that mark you feel he deserves.

i had a tree planted in the community for a loved one. it even has his name.

i found my peace.

 

sorry for your loss as we should not have to outlive our children.

Edited December 16, 2014 by davidivad

[hypervalent_iodine]

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Moderator Note

I have removed a number of comments from this thread into the Trash. Please keep the conversation polite. Trolling and inflammatory comments will not be tolerated here.

[iNow]

When I lost my brother, far too young and suddenly, I found displacement activities a god-send. Anything that was time-consuming, required concentration, and involved social interaction helped me realise that not every waking hour had to spent pondering. You mention Christmas - I spent one holiday season helping out at various London charities for this very reason

This is a really solid idea, especially since study after study after study shows the quickest path to happiness is through helping others.

 

Btw - Thx, hypervalent.

[Willie71]

The pain you feel is a testament to the strength of the relationship you had. It's not fair, it's not right. Sometimes the world just sucks. Spend some quality time remembering, and reminiscing. Don't push it out of your mind. Engage in hobbies, charity work, and conversation. You need to maintain your relationships and distract yourself balanced with processing. Acceptance of what things are, rather than what they could or should be is one of the toughest things to process, and it takes time. I lost my son (in relationship, not death) to a drug addiction. It sucks, but what I do know about life, is that no matter how good or bad it is, it never stays that way for long before something happens to shake it up.

[iNow]

“You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.”

― Epicurus