Good psychology book to teach you how to behave correctly?

[Marshalscienceguy]

By correctly I mean how to react in a way which makes people feel secure. I tend to have the type of behavior that absolutely no one can read. There is a number of reasons why I developed this behavior but this is generally how I behave with others. I am exceedingly polite offline as well. However been told I come across as very cold even when I am being polite. So I wanted to know if there is a book that would teach you to behave correctly in each given situation which will make people a little more happy with you? Since I dont really have any kind of reaction I tend to generally mimic others and assume that is the correct response. I am trying to retrain myself. Is there any recommendations?

[Phi for All]

I'd stay away from psychology for this. You don't want to go from cold to clinical.

 

Perhaps something to do with sales? There are lots of books out there on how to be a more personable person.

 

It would help if you didn't think it was cool to be cold, or felt the need to purposely develop this behavior. That's going to be an obstacle.

[Strange]

Maybe there is a book for people with autism, to help them "fake" neurotypical behaviour. Or watch lots of episodes of The Big Bang Theory.

[StringJunky]

By correctly I mean how to react in a way which makes people feel secure. I tend to have the type of behavior that absolutely no one can read. There is a number of reasons why I developed this behavior but this is generally how I behave with others. I am exceedingly polite offline as well. However been told I come across as very cold even when I am being polite. So I wanted to know if there is a book that would teach you to behave correctly in each given situation which will make people a little more happy with you? Since I dont really have any kind of reaction I tend to generally mimic others and assume that is the correct response. I am trying to retrain myself. Is there any recommendations?

Stop trying to be perfect might help. I think a large part of a persons' persona is their little faults and idiosyncrasies. Being socially and behaviourily 'perfect' makes other people insecure because you may subtlely be making them feel inferior in your company.

[Marshalscienceguy]

Stop trying to be perfect might help. I think a large part of a persons' persona is their little faults and idiosyncrasies. Being socially and behaviourily 'perfect' makes other people insecure because you may subtlely be making them feel inferior in your company.

Wait are you saying my manners are the issue?

 

or trying to alter my behavior is wrong to attempt?

Edited February 19, 2015 by Marshalscienceguy

[Phi for All]

Wait are you saying my manners are the issue?

 

or trying to alter my behavior is wrong to attempt?

 

Why are you now trying to alter behavior you developed for a number of reasons?

 

I ask because I'd like to know what's motivating you to make such a change. There's nothing wrong with behavior modification. But rather than trying to change your personality, perhaps you'd be better off figuring out what made you change in the first place. Maybe all you need to do is get rid of the behavior you thought was cool, and just trust that your own personality is adequate.

 

Does that make sense? Rather than making changes, maybe drop the changes you made before. It would be more honest and consistent, and that's what people are looking for when they meet someone. As StringJunky pointed out, you can be quirky, as long as you're friendly, consistent, and honest. Acting superior creeps people out.

 

To put it another way, you sound inordinately proud of "I tend to have the type of behavior that absolutely nobody can read", and I'd hate to see you try to put on a different personality and have that fail too. Your real personality is probably pretty great, but you don't let it show enough.

[StringJunky]

Wait are you saying my manners are the issue?

 

or trying to alter my behavior is wrong to attempt?

I hope you didn't think there was anything judgemental or harsh in my words. I don't know you but sometimes trying too hard, for fear of making mistakes, can make one seem cold and aloof. if you feel it's nothing like this, please ignore it. There's absolutely nothing with addressing your behaviour.

 

Edit: Phi's put it across better than I did. Cross-posted with him.

Edited February 19, 2015 by StringJunky

[Willie71]

You want what is called social skills training. You probably want to attend a teaching group for that too. The role playing and feedback is very important.

[Marshalscienceguy]

 

Why are you now trying to alter behavior you developed for a number of reason

 

 

Why are you now trying to alter behavior you developed for a number of reasons?

 

I ask because I'd like to know what's motivating you to make such a change. There's nothing wrong with behavior modification. But rather than trying to change your personality, perhaps you'd be better off figuring out what made you change in the first place. Maybe all you need to do is get rid of the behavior you thought was cool, and just trust that your own personality is adequate.

 

Does that make sense? Rather than making changes, maybe drop the changes you made before. It would be more honest and consistent, and that's what people are looking for when they meet someone. As StringJunky pointed out, you can be quirky, as long as you're friendly, consistent, and honest. Acting superior creeps people out.

 

To put it another way, you sound inordinately proud of "I tend to have the type of behavior that absolutely nobody can read", and I'd hate to see you try to put on a different personality and have that fail too. Your real personality is probably pretty great, but you don't let it show enough.

 

http://naruto.wikia.com/wiki/SaiWell to be honest I dont think I have much of a personality and I seem to have all the same problems as this character. In the show he picks up books that tell him how to behave correctly around people to make them feel more at ease. Even when I am being helpful I dont really appear to have much going on emotionally since I dont ever have an expression. Not that nothing is going on but that does not mean I physically react to everything. Everything in my life has reinforced this behavior as valid but it does not work in every situation.

 

The issues is my lack of reaction tends to infuriate those who tend to be overly emotional. I want to figure out how to navigate around these type of people. I can always calm myself when I encounter these people but my calm expression does nothing to calm them. I need to fix it. My manners do not always work either and I thought being proper was the most important thing in the world, why else would they teach them to little kids in school if it wasn't? Apperenlty manners can not always replace social skills either since sometimes people just see it as hollow. I thought if I would become more proper than it would fix my problem but it simply hasn't. At one point I even adopted the professional "Office Speak" which is how you are suppose to speak people at work as not to upset them. I tried everything I could figure out on my own, I thought maybe looking in a book would be more reasonable.

Edited February 20, 2015 by Marshalscienceguy

[Phi for All]

You still talk as if the way you've conditioned yourself like the Naruto character is a great thing. You mention how it works with "overly emotional" people, implying that emotions are bad. You delight in being unreadable.

 

It sounds like you may have decided, in the past, that if you can't get people to be friendly, then intimidating them with a steely-eyed non-expression will do. Again, I think it's an act, and you need to drop it rather than adopt a new act.

 

You don't think you have a good personality, but that's not really for you to judge. Others will decide whether you're interesting and give them an adequate amount of comfort in your presence. It also sounds like, in a typical encounter with a colleague, you make it all about you, how you look, how you're appearing to the other person, if you're being polite enough, etc. A big part of talking with co-workers is showing you care about them and what they've got going on, how the family's doing, where did you go on vacation, all the details that can make an interesting conversation.

 

Caring is often the difference between solid and hollow. Do you care about these people?

[Marshalscienceguy]

You still talk as if the way you've conditioned yourself like the Naruto character is a great thing. You mention how it works with "overly emotional" people, implying that emotions are bad. You delight in being unreadable.

 

It sounds like you may have decided, in the past, that if you can't get people to be friendly, then intimidating them with a steely-eyed non-expression will do. Again, I think it's an act, and you need to drop it rather than adopt a new act.

 

You don't think you have a good personality, but that's not really for you to judge. Others will decide whether you're interesting and give them an adequate amount of comfort in your presence. It also sounds like, in a typical encounter with a colleague, you make it all about you, how you look, how you're appearing to the other person, if you're being polite enough, etc. A big part of talking with co-workers is showing you care about them and what they've got going on, how the family's doing, where did you go on vacation, all the details that can make an interesting conversation.

 

Caring is often the difference between solid and hollow. Do you care about these people?

I dont see where you are getting that connotation I simply stated it as it is. I am not very visually emotional, Most people are visually emotional, and Extremely emotional people become extremely volatile and threaten me and become angry over stuff like "Why dont you smile! Do you hate me! Stop being so cold!" Which they assume since I have no expression that they believe is hurting them. I dont understand how my behavior is really doing anything though, my lack of reaction should not effect anyone other then my self so I dont understand why its hurting them.

 

A positive action should have a positive effect, A negative action should have a negative effect, a neutral action should have no effect. However somehow people keep taking the neutral reaction as a negative effect. I could preform a negative action but that would get bad results. I dont really know how to preform a positive effect since I never tried. For a long time I thought my emotions were just bad and I was told anything I feel is bad. So I tried to appear normal in order to appease people. Yet I am still very terrible at it. I treated the world like a big equation but I dont have all the pieces I need to finish the problem, so I need more data. I cant do what I feel since I would be biased, I have to collect perspectives from everyone and do what is good for everyone, I really dont ever factor into the equation I just collect the data and react accordingly.

 

Christians might believe this is right, Buddhists believe this is right, Muslims believe this is right but everyone has an opinion of whats right so that makes everyone's opinion worthless. So the only correct thing to do is to do things which benefit everyone's. So instead of the differences you figure out what is the same not what is different. There is too many differences for us to say a single one is correct. We have to consider everyone or else we would be intolerant.

 

I never said I was proud of anything, I simply stated how it is. I dont know why you are adding all these emotions to it that are not actually there. I think maybe perhaps you are projecting, why you feel the need to project is not something I would know though. My behavior is neutral its not meant to hurt anyone.

 

Also you kind of have to think about what you are doing in a situation with another person, you dont just blindly react. So you kind of have to make something about you. You have to make sure you are considerate and polite all the time. That is what they teach you when you are little. To be respectful and considerate to others. Also Sai also does not lack emotions to intimidate people either, and he does try to appear more social around people but he is not entirely sure how to react. He simply states he does not feel anything since he thinks he doesn't. At one point sakura says he must have some emotion since he cares so much about the book his brother gave him. He knows that him being so cold bothers people and so he tries to follow the books which teach him to make people more comfortable.

Edited February 21, 2015 by Marshalscienceguy

[Strange]

I dont see where you are getting that connotation I simply stated it as it is. I am not very visually emotional, Most people are visually emotional, and Extremely emotional people become extremely volatile and threaten me and become angry over stuff like "Why dont you smile! Do you hate me! Stop being so cold!" Which they assume since I have no expression that they believe is hurting them. I dont understand how my behavior is really doing anything though, my lack of reaction should not effect anyone other then my self so I dont understand why its hurting them.

 

It is not clear if you are deliberately pretending to be cold and emotionless (for whatever reason) or if you genuinely feel that way. If the latter, then maybe you are somewhere on the autistic spectrum.

[Marshalscienceguy]

 

It is not clear if you are deliberately pretending to be cold and emotionless (for whatever reason) or if you genuinely feel that way. If the latter, then maybe you are somewhere on the autistic spectrum.

No I come across as cold and emotionless since I have no visual reaction. I react how I believe is expected of a situation not how I feel. I can be happy but it does not mean I going to hop around screaming about it, I could be angry but I am not going to scream at someone, I can be sad but it doesn't mean I am going to cry. I am not pretending anything I am just this way. What I trying to do is appear more expressive than I am. Though I cant always figure out what is the correct visual response people are looking for, so I thought I would see if there was a book. Just I dont know which one would specifically help with this issue and I dont want something that is just GENERAL psychology since that probably wont fix anything. I control my emotions, they dont really sway me too and through like most people. However this is what a lot of people expect and simply controlling yourself is not something they want. They want a visual representation of what you are feeling 24/7. Since I am not guided by my emotions I dont really know how to express them like other people. I am guided by my head. This would probably just be an act but its what is expected and if I want to avoid future incidents I must fix the problem. I keep getting told I dont care since I am not crying, or I am not yelling, or am not jumping with joy. Yet at the same time if I overdo it I am going to be disruptive and no one likes being around you when you disrupting the peace.

Edited February 21, 2015 by Marshalscienceguy

[Strange]

No I come across as cold and emotionless since I have no visual reaction.

 

I'm still not sure if you are choosing to have no reaction deliberately. If so, the answer is simple: stop doing that.

If it is not a deliberate choice, and it is causing a problem, then I would suggest seeking professional help.

[Marshalscienceguy]

 

I'm still not sure if you are choosing to have no reaction deliberately. If so, the answer is simple: stop doing that.

If it is not a deliberate choice, and it is causing a problem, then I would suggest seeking professional help.

It adaptive, and I been doing it for so long I dont really know how to express myself anymore, I always done this and when you do something long enough you kind of forget what came prior.

[GPS]

Well, I was in a situation where I needed to boost my confidence. I read a bunch of books on cognitive behavior therapy (I believe Becker was one author) and what not. I did a lot of journalling and in the end I felt it was a bunch of yes, I'm not going to say it. In summary, I felt that one could analyze anything to death, but nothing would get done unless one actually, physically does something about ones problems and the best thing I could come up with was private acting lessons. Just a thought. Never did try it though. I decided it was too much fuss, had enough of the mess, and that I'de rather just deal with low confidence. Then the problem started to fade away. Maybe ignorance is bliss...was it Dale Carnegie who said, "Stop worrying and start living?"

Edited May 8, 2015 by GPS