Is it alright to be anti-social?

[houshasei]

Hello, I am anti-social, not because of people bullying me, but I think because of my mother downing me everytime. I hate doing smart stuff in front of other people, in fact i can't do anything in front of them at all. I also have trouble speaking words, I get tongue twisted. I get to socialize with anti-social people though [but we're few].

[fiveworlds]

So you're antisocial but you talk publicly on the internet to loads of people fair play :-)

[Phi for All]

"Downing" you, is that like putting you down, belittling you?

 

I don't think it's right to call it anti-social. You say you can socialize with other people who are considered anti-social, so you're obviously not anti to the social part. Perhaps it's the type of encounter?

 

Walking into a group of people you don't know, making small talk, telling jokes, asking interesting questions that don't dig too deep, listening for the cues that will help you identify with the others on a meaningful level, these are skills. You either learn them growing up (if your family exposes you to those kinds of experiences), or you learn them later in life through repeated experience. Or you don't learn them at all because you avoid those experiences because you never learned.

 

But it's different when it isn't strangers. Once you get to know someone, the fear lessens and you're more relaxed. Socializing with people you know is different, less stressful. You don't have to worry how you're being perceived. The better you know someone, the more confident you can be in their expectations and behavior. Did anyone change fundamentally? No, you just the same people who know each other better.

 

What kind of smart stuff don't you like to do in front of people? This kind of stuck out to me, because I immediately thought about a kid I met who offered to recite pi to 300 decimal places at an outdoor party. Great memory, smart kid, he should NOT have done that in front of barbecue people. 50 digits in, I was the only person still listening to him.

[ajb]

If it is a problem or not in the long run depends on what your long term plans are. As this is a science forum, let us suppose you want to be a scientists.

 

There is this picture of scientists being quite anti-social and quiet. This is somewhat true (not in Poland after the vodka is handed round!). However, all jobs require some social skills. In particular you will need to be able to give talks to an audience of experts and these are not always friendly. Moreover, getting positions is highly related to your social skills. I here lots about positions and possibilities for funding by word of mouth, often after or during social events. You need to be able to communicate and fake confidence!

[Sensei]

Sounds like you are overwhelmed by your mother. At least in your own imagination.

How can your mother downing you in f.e. school? She is at home, far from class..

So you're bothering "what she will say" even if she is not around you..

Once you will get out of this unhealthy relationship, by moving out of house (and keeping contact at minimum f.e. holy days), after a few years, you should be good.

 

Join f.e. karate class. Start training sport. It will help to raise your self confidence.

Edited November 8, 2015 by Sensei

[Dilara]

Hello, I am anti-social, not because of people bullying me, but I think because of my mother downing me everytime.

Once I was antisocial as well. I even couldn't speak to unfamiliar person by the phone. Ironically after getting my master degree in philosophy I started working as a reporter of a newspaper. So I had to phone hundreds unfamiliar people daily. But it wasn't my cup of tea either. Now I sit home by the computer all along going out just to buy food

[MigL]

You're not anti-social.

You're just a little shy, as evidenced by the fact that you get along well with people who share similar interests, and that you have gotten to know.

This is your problem, don't blame everything on your mother. Just make the effort to try to get to know other people, the rewards are enormous.

You may be surprised at how much like you ALL teenagers ( hope I'm not making the wrong assumption ) are. They all want acceptance from their peers, but go about it different ways. Some become the clown, some the jock, some the bully, the geek, etc. ( ever see the movie 'the Breakfast Club' ?).

You have chosen as I once did, to become the introvert, and its hard to break out of this. Try meeting new people outside of your school, it'll develop your self worth/confidence: it certainly worked for me. A couple of yrs later, while in University, I'd meet and 'hook up' with girls in clubs that I'd gone to high school with, and they were wondering what had happened to the shy guy. Some even preferred the shy guy to the partier ( or is it partyer ) I'd become, we had just never talked and gotten to know each other before.

[TheGeckomancer]

Being shy and antisocial are not the same thing although they can be connected. Antisocial is a kind of vague term IMO. Some people would classify me as antisocial, and I bounce back and forth on the issue. At what point is extreme selective socialization antisocial? I dislike most people, almost on sight, I usually give them a chance to talk and then regret it more. But even I still have some people I talk to and interact with voluntarily.

[MigL]

Oh, I don't know, you've been pretty sociable on this site over the last month.

[TheGeckomancer]

Oh, I don't know, you've been pretty sociable on this site over the last month.

 

 

Agreed. Which is why I asked if this falls under antisocial or extreme selective socialization lol. Mind you. I am not really interacting with real humans on here. No insult to anyone but you could all be bots and I would never know. I choose this group for the content and topics. Not for how human you are.

[Phi for All]

I am not really interacting with real humans on here.

 

Ahhh, light bulb.

[TheGeckomancer]

 

Ahhh, light bulb.

 

 

I feel like you are looking for reasons to disagree with me since my comment on the use of the word retarded? If you don't like me say so. Quoting out of context is rude. If you have some you want to say make it an open discussion instead of these snide remarks.

[Phi for All]

 

 

I feel like you are looking for reasons to disagree with me since my comment on the use of the word retarded? If you don't like me say so. Quoting out of context is rude. If you have some you want to say make it an open discussion instead of these snide remarks.

 

You should assume good intentions until someone proves otherwise. It's not like I'm above suspicion, but I've been with this community for a long time. I have no reason to not like you.

 

One of the reasons is because I trust I'm dealing with a real human. If you don't, well, that gives me some illumination into some of your comments on anti-social behavior.

 

I have no idea how it was out of context. I'm still trying to figure out how best to discuss things with you. Not easy, but not impossible. Maybe.