The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[John Cuthber]

 

... (to be read slowly with an Irish accent)...

 

 

Why?

[DrKrettin]

That was a modern version of the lament by Gerard Hoffnung in 1958:

 

[Handy andy]

Ok +1 but it has to be read slowly.

 

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

Edited June 18, 2017 by Handy andy

[Daedalus]

I knew I should've replied...

 

[koti]

Not exactly a joke but darkly amusing.

Edited July 7, 2017 by koti

[Daedalus]

[DrKrettin]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says: "You must be a dentist."

"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love. After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....

"Didn't feel a thing."

[Itoero]

[koti]

Laughter through tears but amusing anyway.

"Energetic frequency" is my favourate.

[Strange]

[Moontanman]

I applied my vast intellect to the problem of North Korea and I think I have a solution! Give them a couple MIRVS! Delivery in 30 minutes or the next one is free... 

 

[Moontanman]

[Daedalus]

Moontanman, that reminded me of Bo Burnham's song, "From God's Perspective - You're Not Going to Heaven". ROFL!!!
 

 

[koti]

9 hours ago, Daedalus said:

Moontanman, that reminded me of Bo Burnham's song, "From God's Perspective - You're Not Going to Heaven". ROFL!!!
 

 

That is pretty good. One could argue about rape being portrayed in the song like the Christian God forbids it not encourages it but...lets not ruin a good song here

[Moontanman]

 

Edited August 12, 2017 by Moontanman

[koti]

28 minutes ago, Moontanman said:

 

That is one weird backpack. Im not sober btw.

[Raider5678]

On 6/16/2017 at 8:02 AM, Handy andy said:

The Sick Note (to be read slowly with an Irish accent)

 

Dear Sir I write this note to you to tell you of my plight

 

And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight;

My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey

And I write this note to say why Paddy’s not at work today.

 

Whilst working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear.

Now to throw them down from such a height twas not a good idea.

The foreman was not very pleased, he being an awkward sod.

He said I’d have to cart them down the ladders in me hod.

 

Now, clearing all those bricks by hand it was so very slow,

So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below.

But in me haste to do the job I was too blind to see

That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

 

So when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead

And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead.

Well I shot up like a rocket ‘til to my dismay I found

That halfway up I met the bloody barrel coming down!

 

Well, the barrel broke my shoulder as to the ground it sped

And when I reached the top I hit the pulley with me head.

Well I clung on tight, though numb with shock, from this almighty blow

And the barrel spilled out half the bricks – fourteen floors below.

 

Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor

I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more,

Still clinging tightly to the rope I sped towards the ground –

And landed on the broken bricks that were all scattered round.

 

Well I lay there groaning on the floor – I thought I’d passed the worst

When the barrel hit the pulley wheel and then the bottom burst.

Well a shower of bricks rained down on me – I hadn’t got a hope;

As I lay there moaning n the floor – I let go the bloody rope.

 

the barrel them being heavier it started down once more

and landed right across me as I lay upon the floor.

Well it broken three ribs and my left arm and I can only say

That I hope you’ll understand why Paddy’s not at work today.

What the fuck did I just read.

[Itoero]

[Moontanman]

Edited August 22, 2017 by Moontanman

[Itoero]

[Itoero]

 

[Handy andy]

Old Humour

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Area54]

The top fifteen one-liners from the 2017 Edinburgh Fringe Festival, courtesy Reuters and the Sydney Morning Herald.

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change." – Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book." – Frankie Boyl

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" – Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl-next-door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her." – Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated." – Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant." – Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it…" – Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, five and six. We're no good at naming things in our house." – Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine." – Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!'" – Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event." – Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer." – Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it." – Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark." – Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act." – Tim Vine

[Itoero]

Q: Do you think the noise of playing children is nuisance?

A: No, I sound proved my basement pretty well.

[Daedalus]