The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[swansont]

A woman was invited out for a night with the girls. She promised her husband that she would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 A.M., a bit loaded, she headed for home.

 

Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

 

The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in and she told him "midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. "Whew!! Got away with that one!" she thought.

 

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When she asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[Gilded]

"Heh... that was the 666th reply."

 

I was about to honor the 666th post by a God vs. Devil joke, but now I'm scared because when I tried to post it the server got "busy". But even with the possibility of God smiting me with a gazillion volt lightning, I'm going to post some religious (and/or other) jokes soon, so don't you worry. :>

[Phi for All]

Heh... that was the 666th reply.

 

A sign' date=' maybe?[/quote']HAHAHAHA, that was so funny! Oh, wait, no it wasn't. But, hey, I found a JOKE about signs:

 

It seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual, "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

 

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!" It was a beautiful, sunny day, but as soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"

 

But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds often form on hot days.

 

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, give me a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

 

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

 

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

 

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

 

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

[5614]

applies to members here

 

[5614]

here is part of an actual e-mail i recieved:

Anonymous][/b]... I was glad when Bush became president. And maybe you should run for president when you're old enough. You have some interesting ideas I think the world is ready to hear. I honestly think you'd do some good with our country. (It probably helps that our country cant get much worse)...

LOL' date=' thats quite good..... did your grandma send you that email?

 

 

 

 

 

[i'](soz dude, you was asking for it )[/i]

 

ps. phi - those adventure of ... are great, thats what i meant when i suggested a new version of the gir stand up... good work - we all luv ya (well, in a sense - and only in a sense!)

[Phi for All]

It was a cold winter day, and swansont & Lance were out on the lake ice-fishing. They were there for almost two hours without even a nibble when 5614 walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in it not too far from swansont & Lance and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a largemouth bass hit his hook and 5614 pulled in the fish.

 

swansont & Lance couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But 5614 dropped in his line and again and within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

 

This went on and on until finally the other two couldn't take it any more since they hadn't caught a thing all this time.

 

They went over to 5614 and said, "5614, we've been here for half the morning without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and you've caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

 

5614 mumbled something they couldn't understand, so they asked, "What was that?"

 

Again 5614 responded with incoherent mumbling, a little louder this time.

 

"Look," said swansont & Lance, "we can't understand a word you're saying."

 

5614 spit a big wad of something into his hand and yelled, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"

[Phi for All]

Tesseract and his squad were standing at attention in the freezing Antarctic cold when their sergeant said, "All right! All you morons, FALL OUT!"

 

As the rest of the squad wandered away, Tesseract remained at attention.

 

The sergeant walked over until he was eye-to-eye with Tesseract, and then just raised a single eyebrow. Tesseract smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

[Phi for All]

Tesseract wanted to buy a Christmas gift for his new girlfriend but they hadn't been dating very long. He asked his girlfriend's younger sister to go shopping with him, and after careful consideration, they decided a pair of fur-trimmed gloves would be perfect, romantic but not too personal. Tesseract bought the gloves and the sister bought a pair of panties for herself. During the gift wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the box with the gloves and Tesseract got the box with the panties. Tesseract sent the gift to his sweetheart with the following note:

 

"I chose these because I noticed that you don't usually wear any when we go out. If it hadn't been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really stylish. I wish I could be there to put them on for you the first time as I'm sure other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

 

All my love, Tesseract

 

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

[swansont]

Tesseract and his squad were standing at attention in the freezing Antarctic cold when their sergeant said' date=' "All right! All you morons, FALL OUT!"

 

As the rest of the squad wandered away, Tesseract remained at attention.

 

The sergeant walked over until he was eye-to-eye with Tesseract, and then just raised a single eyebrow. Tesseract smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh [b']sir[/b]?"

 

At which point the sergeant bellowed, "You don't call me sir! I know who my parents are!"

 

(or "I work for a living!")

[Phi for All]

A second lieutenant was walking past the non-commissioned officer housing units when he saw a little boy named swansont making something. As he got closer, he saw the boy was making a soldier of of some dog poop he'd found on the ground. The 2LT asked the boy, "Boy, what are you doing?"

 

swansont replied, "I'm making an NCO, sir!"

 

The 2LT grinned. Looking up, he saw the boy's father, an NCO, standing in the doorway. "Did you hear that, sergeant? He's making an NCO out of sh*t!"

 

The sergeant came out of the house and asked his son, "Why are you making an NCO, son?"

 

swansont looked up at his dad and proudly said, "Because I don't have enough sh*t to make an officer!"

[Phi for All]

Physics teacher: "swansont, where is your physics homework?"

 

swansont: "I finished my homework last night, but this morning I accidentally determined its momentum precisely, so according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe."

[swansont]

Physics teacher: "swansont' date=' where is your physics homework?"

 

swansont: "I finished my homework last night, but this morning I accidentally determined its momentum precisely, so according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe."[/quote']

.

[Phi for All]

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats, lightsabers drawn and sparks flying. Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead, glared into his face and said, "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke."

 

Luke ducked under the pin and Vader's lightsaber bit deep into the steel. Luke jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader's reach. "How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How could you possibly know what I'm getting for Christmas!?"

 

Darth Vader seemed to grin through his mask and said, "The force is with me. I felt your presents."

[Tetrahedrite]

A man is pulled over for speeding and when the policeman ask why he was going so fast the man tells him that he was late to work.

"What do you do for a job" asks the policeman.

"I'm a rectum expander" replies the man.

Confused, the policeman asks the man to explain what a rectum expander does.

"Well, people come to to have their rectums expanded" explains the man. "I put a device in that stretches the rectum gradually, and over many sessions the rectum gets bigger and bigger, until eventually they have a six foot hole"

Starting to get suspicious the policeman asks,"What do they do with a six foot ar**hole"

"Well" the man says, "they put him in a uniform and give him a speed gun!"

 

(edit= sorry guys, I've just realised this joke is already on the thread)

[Phi for All]

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Phi, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

 

"Outstanding," Phi replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques like visualization and association. It made a huge difference for me."

 

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" asked the other man.

 

Phi went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then he suddenly smiled and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

 

"You mean a rose?" the other man offered.

 

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic I went to last month?"

[Phi for All]

Gilded goes into a bar and sees a fantastically gorgeous woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

 

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Gilded is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

 

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

 

To which Gilded replies, at the top of his lungs, "You want $200 dollars! Are you crazy?!"

[Phi for All]

When Sayonara³ was just 10 years old, he was intensely interested in biology. One summer day he started his own experiment. He caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sayonara³ carefully wrote down all the results of his experiment with the amphibian.

 

Sayonara³ drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped, and Sayonara³ measured the distance. "Normal frog jumps 6 feet," he wrote.

 

Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point, took out a scalpel and sliced off the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped 4 feet, and Sayonara³ dutifully recorded, "With one leg removed, the frog jumps 4 feet."

 

Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed, and again he prodded the frog, shouting "Jump, frog!". Sayonara³ reported, "With 2 legs removed, the frog jumps only 3 feet."

 

The next time, Sayonara³ dissected the large right back leg. This time he recorded, "With 3 legs removed, the frog jumps slightly less than a foot."

 

Finally, Sayonara³ cut off the frog's remaining leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig, shouting, "Jump, frog! Jump, frog! JUMP FROG!! JUMP FROG!!!"

 

The frog didn't jump. Sayonara³ carefully wrote down in his notebook, "When all legs are removed, the frog becomes deaf."

[Gilded]

Ahaha, loved that Sayo-joke. Heard it before, but it's great anyway.

 

Ahh, I think it's time for Christmas-jokes!

 

When Phi for All was little, one of his older friends came to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.

- I want a tampon! Phi said happily.

- Why on Earth would YOU want a tampon?! his friend said.

- Because I saw a commercial on TV that said "With this tampon you can ski, swim, run or dance without a problem!" Phi answered.

[Artorius]

After suddenly recieving an invite for a christmas bash,and checking that its not a sick joke sayanora puts rubber to the floor and tears down the motorway in his ford fiesta doing 84mph excited at the invitation.Seeing blue lights in his rear-view mirror he pulls over,"whatever do the police want with me...they must want to give me an escort...yes these other bloody motorists using my road."

A surly young officer approaches sayo's driver window(no relation)...tapping on the window...sayo winds his window down.

'Good evening sir...in a rush are we' !! asks the officer.

'Certainly not officer 'retorts sayo churlishly

(police)do you mind showing me your licence

(sayo) its in my glove compartment

(police) could i take a look

(sayo)erm...no ..i have a knife

(police) thats ok sir as long as the blade is under 4 inches...now may i see your licence

(sayo) i cannot comply with said request....you will see the revolver.!!

The young officer takes a step back...gaining his composure he approaches

(police) you mean you have a gun in there

(sayo) oh..remarkable deduction sherlock!

tentatively the officer responds

(police) im going to have to ask you to step out of the vehicle sir..

sayo gets out disgruntled...noticing his thomas the tank engine watch he now realises this conversation has taken 4.68 minutes..'really officer is all this neccersary'

(police) would you mind opening the boot of your car sir

(sayo) erm...erm...No i cannot...erm you see i have a dead body of a trafic warden in there...

The officer begins to worry,having never dealt with this kind of thing before he radio's in to HQ...requesting armed response unit,and a senior officer to the scene.15 min later with snipers surrounding the fiesta,the chief of police cautiously approaches.The young officer slowly retreats to the cover of his patrol car.

(C.O.P) now sir i want you to take it easy...with your left hand could you slowly open the glove compartment..

sayo reaches in and clicks open the catch...the compartment opens to reveal a driving licence only..

(C.O.P)eh...most unusual...now sir could you go to the rear of the vehicle and open the boot...

sayo complys and gingerly opens the boot....revealing a spare wheel and jack.

(C.O.P) most unusual ...sir my young officer has radio'd in that you had a loaded gun...and a dead body in the boot of your car..

(sayo) I SUPPOSE THE LYING ASSHOLE TOLD YOU I WAS SPEEDING AS WELL EH !!!

[bloodhound]

nice one.

[Phi for All]

One Christmas Eve a long, long time ago, Santa was very cross. NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

 

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

 

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Hey, Jelly Belly! Where should I stick the tree this year?"

[Phi for All]

Now available, the new AOL car! Features:

 

A TOP speed of 40 MPH but the speedometer goes to 200 MPH!

 

Comes equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player (it is not possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo)!

 

Often refuses to start (typical owners just expect this and try again later)!

 

Windshield has an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars!

 

The same model car is available year after year (although we claim it's the

NEW model)!

 

Every now and then the brakes just "lock-up" for no apparent reason!

 

Very plain body style but lots of pretty colors and lights!

 

Only one door but 5 extra seats for family members!

 

Anyone dissatisfied can return the car (but must continue to make payments for 6 months).

 

Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones!

 

AOL car mechanics have no experience in car repair!

 

Younger AOL car drivers are able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun!

 

Must use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gives worse mileage!

 

Every time you close the door on the AOL car it says, "Good-Bye."

 

Order your AOL car today! If you don't, we'll just keep sending you junk mail about it every week!

[swansont]

Xmas cartoons

[MolecularMan14]

http://www.wilenkin.com/transformers/Video_player_06_content.html

 

Definitely one of the absolute funniest things Ive ever seen. Give it time to load, its like 3.5 min long. Im not personally a transformer's fan, but this is still utterly hilarious...never seen anything like it

...yep...definitely breakdancing transformers...yep...

[Tesseract]

Listen to these!!!

http://www.joynk.com/cdg/