The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[beecee]

Viagra is now being added in tea bags and is available now.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

Edited November 30, 2021 by beecee

[joigus]

[beecee]

[Externet]

Reminder for these days...

You are supposed to leave cookies, understand ?  COOKIES,  not Bourbon !

[TheVat]

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ayn-rand-writes-rudolph-the-red-nosed-reindeer

[beecee]

[TheVat]

Given that the movie Soylent Green is set in 2022, this news story seemed rather apt.  (CNN quickly revised the headline, btw, hence the screenshot)

[beecee]

Bob Hawke was one of Australia's best Prime Ministers. Here he is in 1980 just after we won the America's Cup trophy for the first time.......

Great bloke!!

[iNow]

My wife just stopped and said,

”You weren’t even listening were you?”

I thought… 

“That’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”

[zapatos]

My wife said I never listen to her. That is what she said, right?

 

I never knew what happiness was until I met my wife. But by then it was too late.

 

A guy is out golfing with his buddy when a funeral procession drives by. The guy lays down his putter and lowers his head. The buddy says "Say, you really are a sentimental kind of guy, aren't you?" The guy responds "Well, we were married for 20 years after all."

[Maththief]

Hi,

 I like:

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders two beers, the third orders three beers. The bartender stops them and says "you owe me one twelfth of a beer."

[TheVat]

Three guys walk into a bar.  A witness on the sidewalk says, "ouch, that must have hurt!"

[beecee]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy.

She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Mummy when she's been on the piss."

[TheVat]

[beecee]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

[Genady]

This is a real conversation between me and my wife yesterday:

Wife: What are you reading about?

Me: Alternative vacuums.

Wife: Mops?

[mistermack]

A stunning blonde turns up at the gates of heaven. St. Peter : Name please !   Blonde : White. . . Miss White. 

St. Peter takes a good look at her. "so you're not married then? I have to ask you, are you a virgin? You can't come in unless you're a virgin"

She replies "yes, I'm a virgin" but Peter doesn't believe her so he gets the doctor to examine her. The doctor reports "yes, she is a virgin all right. Her hymen is intact, although it does have seven small dents in it" 

So Peter lets her in, and as she passes he calls after her "oh by the way, Miss White, what's your first name? And she calls back "Snow" !    

[Phi for All]

2 hours ago, beecee said:

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

I think a better setup is to have the gents talking about forgetfulness. The first one mentions forgetting an anniversary, the second one tells him about a memory course he took that uses word association to help you remember things. "What was the name of the course?" the first one asks. The second one thought and thought and finally said, "What's the name of that flower with the thorns?" Etc, etc, etc.

45 minutes ago, mistermack said:

A stunning blonde turns up at the gates of heaven.

Heaven's guardian is forgetting his Grimms'. "...a skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood, and hair as black as ebony". St Finger should have wagged his peter at her and denied her admittance.

[joigus]

On 1/17/2022 at 4:48 PM, Maththief said:

Hi,

 I like:

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders two beers, the third orders three beers. The bartender stops them and says "you owe me one twelfth of a beer."

This is definitely worth \( e^{i2\pi} \) reputation.

[mistermack]

How do you circumcise a whale? .  .  .     Send down four skindivers.  

 

A little boy was sitting on the front steps of synagogue  in floods of tears. A kindly old lady asked him "whatever is the matter?"  

"The Rabbi nicked my pullover !! " 

[iNow]

[TheVat]

James Hamblin (@jameshamblin) Tweeted:

So we're all supposed to "prepare for blizzard conditions" just because the scientific establishment and the media say so? And anyone who says it will be sunny and 70 is canceled? 
All's I'm saying is, lots of $ changing hands in snow shovel industry. Do your own meteorology.

https://twitter.com/jameshamblin/status/1487159729315008523?s=20&t=7NshBlM4nDJ_vd3J32P2-w

[MigL]

Someone, who is now a 1/4 inch 'shorter', must be overly sensitive to circumcision jokes.
They were not relly good jokes, but I don't think Mistermack deserved a downvote for them.

[mistermack]

10 minutes ago, MigL said:

I don't think Mistermack deserved a downvote for them.

The unkindest cut of all !!

[TheVat]

I wondered about that, too.  Until I read the second joke, which it seemed could be misunderstood as anti-Semitic.  Though I lived in a Jewish community for a couple years, I confess I didn't quite get the point of the joke, either.  (ETA: which I now see is an amusing way to put that!  LoL!)

Ok, kind of letting that Rabbi joke sink in, I wonder if someone though it was based on some stereotype of Jews conning people and thieving from them?  That's all I can come up with.  

Ahh.  Figured out the joke, which I see is easier to understand if you're British.  In America, "nicked" doesn't have the double meaning it would in, say, south London.  

Also a weird joke in the US, where circumcision was nearly universal and had nothing to do with being Jewish, in many states.

Edited January 29, 2022 by TheVat
Getting the "point"