Rakdos Posted December 19, 2004 Share Posted December 19, 2004 An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, ! the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell......pregnant when you met her." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gilded Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 Yay, marriage jokes! YT, Phi and other folks here in a "similar situation" are probably very pleased. :>> ---- It has been scientifically proven: Marriage affects your hearing! Immediately when a man gets married, his hearing gets very, very selective. What a woman says: "Listen, you and me should go shopping some day soon, I need new clothes! And what's with that TV watching while I'm talking to you?! And even your dirty clothes are on the floor! You're going to work naked tomorrow if you don't take these to the laundry box now!" What a man hears: <blah blah blah> YOU AND ME <blah blah blah> ON THE FLOOR <blah blah blah> NAKED <blah blah blah> NOW! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted December 22, 2004 Share Posted December 22, 2004 Yay, marriage jokes! YT, Phi and other folks here in a "similar situation" are probably very pleased.Funny you should mention that, Gilded. YT2095 was telling me just the other day, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything she really needs, and I can't afford to buy her anything too extravagant, so I'm stumped." I told him, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably think it's the greatest gift EVER!" He said, "Phi, that's a great idea! I'll jump on the computer and work something up right now!" This morning was Kitty's birthday, so I asked him, "Well, how did your wife like her certificate?" YT screamed at me, "Oh, she loved it, ya huge bloody GIT! She jumped up, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in a couple of hours, love!'" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gilded Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 Hehe, good one. ) ---- A little boy has a conversation with his father: -Dad, what's the difference between theory and practice? -Well, go and ask your big sister if she'd have sex with the high school football team for one million dollars. The little boy asks his sister and the sister replies "Oh yes I would, and I've done it - for free". The kid comes back shocked. -OK, now go and ask your mother if she'd have sex with both of our neighbors for a million dollars. The little boy asks his mother and receives a reply "Oh yes I would, and I've done it - for free". The kid is even more shocked. -Dad, what did this prove? -Well son, it proved the difference between theory and practice. -So what is it? -Theoretically, we have two million dollars. Practically, we only have two dirty hoes. ---- The Grand List of Temperatures (in Celsius, sorry Fahrenheit-people ) ): +7: The Brittish start to think it's getting rather cold. The Finnish plant flowers and wear shorts and T-shirts. +3: The Brittish have turned on the heating a long time ago. The Finnish go for a swim. 0: Water freezes. The Brittish are shivering. Finnish people are rather pissed because they have to cut the ice before going for a swim. -10: The Brittish are starting to panic. The Finnish are starting to think about switching to warmer clothing than shorts and T-shirts. -30: The Brittish are preparing for the Apocalypse. The Finnish decide it's time for sauna, some vodka and rolling in the snow. -50: The Brittish are praying. The Finnish decide it's time to consider wearing a sweater. -70: The Finnish start wearing sweaters. The Brittish start to live a couple of miles underground. -100: The Finnish get more pissed, as all vehicles are totally frozen, making it hard to fetch vodka from the store. This is also the reason for the ending of tea transportation, bringing an end to the Brittish population. -114: Ethanol freezes, bringing an instant end to the Finnish population. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 Q: What did the accordionist get on his SAT test? A: Drool. Q: Why do some people take an instant dislike to accordionists? A: It saves a lot of time. Q: What will you never say about an accordionist? A: "That's the accordionist's porsche." Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a cat? A: Only the cost. They both make the same sound when you squeeze them. Q: How do you make two accordionists play in time? A: Shoot one of them. Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a lawnmower? A: You can tune an accordion. Q: What is the difference between an accordion and an onion? A: Nobody cries when you chop an accordion into little pieces. Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a chainsaw? A: The grip. Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline? A: You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline. Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians? A: An accordionist. Q: What do accordionists use for birth control? A: Their personality. Q: What do a true music lover and an accordionist have in common? A: Absolutely nothing. Q: If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a banjo off a 20-story building, which one lands first? A: Who cares? Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a banjo? A: An accordion burns faster. Q: What is a set of bagpipes good for? A: Kindling for an accordion fire. Q: What do you call an accordion player with a pager? A: An optimist. Q: What does a long court hearing and an accordionist have in common? A: There is always a huge sigh of relief when the case is closed. Q: What is the definition of a gentleman? A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't. Q: What is the difference between an accordionist and a terrorist? A: Terrorists have sympathisers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tesseract Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 I play the accordion... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gilded Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 "I play the accordion..." Call 0800-IPLAYTHEACCORDION for crisis help. ----- Now that it's almost New Year's Eve and the world needs to be happy even duringn sad times, here's some jokes: --- When can you tell that a Finnish man has had enough alcohol? -If he starts smoking when wounded, he catches on fire. --- What's a Finnish man's Cooper's test? -12 minutes without alcohol. --- What's a Finnish man's 7 course meal? -A sixpack of beer and a bottle of vodka --- A Swedish man walks down the street shouting "The King is insane, the King is insane!" The police takes him to the jail. Soon, the man's friend comes to see him. -So, did they tell you about your punishment? -Yeah, five years and five days. -What?! That's awfully much. -No it isn't: Five days for infamation and five years for revealing one of the government's highly classified secrets! --- Two Swedish police officers are driving away from Stockholm with two nuclear bombs in the trunk, that have not been defused yet. Soon the other one says: "But what if one of the bombs explodes?" The other one replies: "Well, we'll just tell the chief we found only one." Edit: More of Gilded's and Phi for All's comical adventures: -I once knew a real man, a guy who had a girl for every finger! Gilded says. -Wow, was he famous or something? Phi for All asks. -No, he was an amateur pyrotechnician, Gilded replies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdurg Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Top 10 signs that you're getting 'old'. 1: You can remember something you did 20 years ago, but you can’t remember something you did 20 minutes ago. 2: Bands that you’ve always listened to on ‘Modern Rock’ stations are now being played on the ‘Classic Rock’ stations. 3: When it snows, instead of thinking about how you’re going to go outside and play in the snow, you’re thinking about having to go outside and drive in the snow. 4: Instead of summer vacation being two months, you’re lucky if it’s two weeks. 5: Instead of young people calling you by your first name, they call you Mr./Mrs. and your last name. 6: Instead of looking forward to the weekend so you can go out and party, you look forward to the weekend so you can clean your house/apartment and sleep. 7: You suddenly realize that your favorite athlete is younger than you are. 8: Events that you saw happen are now being written about in History Books. 9: Sitcoms you watched all the time are now being shown on Nickelodeon’s ‘TV Land’. 10: “When I grow up I’m going to…..” is replaced by “When I retire I’m going to…..” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sayonara Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 A potentially dirty joke now. (Last time I posted this a whole bunch of posts suddenly were deleted from the server. Let's see if it's a coincidence). No, it was not a coincidence. Do not post content that is likely to cause offence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ecoli Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 "Resistance begins at ohm" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YT2095 Posted January 5, 2005 Author Share Posted January 5, 2005 Q: Why did the Baker get an electric shock? A: He stepped on a bun and a Current went up his leg. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5614 Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 just though i'd say that ive found a nice link to loads science cartoons http://www.nearingzero.net/ here's my best 2 from the QM section: Why did the chicken cross the road? (this one is wicked!) Electrostatic charges as some people know Swansont also draws cartoons, here's a link to his site: http://home.netcom.com/~swansont/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5614 Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 also watch my sig... its on a moving cycle of one line jokes... so far: Are cheerios really donught seeds? If swimming is good excercise why are whales so fat? WWED - What Would Einstein Do? You can't teach an old dog nuclear physics (i update those whenever i think of it, which can be a few days or weeks) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdurg Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 A-u! Get away from my gold! C-u later Copper! Don't forget to P-b 4 you go to lead! N-a way you look at it, Sodium is very reactive! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted January 7, 2005 Share Posted January 7, 2005 Two high school sweethearts went out together exclusively for four years in high school. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They swore to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she had been dating around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. She became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, and she wanted to get her old one off her back. She took a polaroid picture of her and her new boyfriend having sex and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a better boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, the guy was heartbroken. He also wanted revenge. So what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bloodhound Posted January 9, 2005 Share Posted January 9, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5614 Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 What did the Nuclear Physicist have for lunch? Fission Chips. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 10. Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again. 11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 14. No, my powers can only be used for good. 15. How about never? Is never good for you? 16. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 17. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication. 18. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 19. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 20. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 21. Who me? I just wander from room to room. 22. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 23. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 24. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 25. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 26. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 27. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bloodhound Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 from bash.org docsigma2000: jesus christ man docsigma2000: my son is sooooooo dead c8info: Why? docsigma2000: hes been looking at internet web sites in ****ing EUROPE docsigma2000: HE IS SURFING LONG DISTANCE docsigma2000: our ****ing phone bill is gonna be nuts c8info: Ooh, this is bad. Surfing long distance adds an extra $69.99 to your bill per hour. docsigma2000: ...!!!!!! **** **** **** docsigma2000: is there some plan we can sign up for??? docsigma2000: cuz theres some cool stuff in europe, but i dun wanna pauy that much c8info: Sorry, no. There is no plan. you'll have to live with it. docsigma2000: o well, i ccan live without europe intenet sites. docsigma2000: but till i figure out how to block it hes sooooo dead c8info: By the way, I'm from Europe, your chatting long distance. ** docsigma2000 has quit (Connection reset by peer) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ed84c Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 lol well im not in any stretch of the amagination an artist but see this; Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sayonara Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Sayonara³'s Useful Work Phrases You've been watching me again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 You've been watching me again.I know you've used this one already this year! I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ed84c Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 i thought it was 'duck' tape. Oh bollocks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sayonara Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 "Duck Tape" is a brand of duct tape. Makes you think, huh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swansont Posted January 15, 2005 Share Posted January 15, 2005 "Duck Tape" is a brand of duct tape. Makes you think' date=' huh?[/quote'] Sponges come from the ocean. That kills me. Just think of how much deeper the oceans would be if that weren't true. Steven Wright Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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