The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[toucana]

[Moontanman]

[iNow]

[Moontanman]

[iNow]

My review of the Sun:

 

One star

[studiot]

For Ronnies fans.

Notice seen recently in a hardware shop in Ledbury.

[Peterkin]

Never dictate your text to a millennial.

[TheVat]

When you come to a four kin the road, take it.

[iNow]

What generation does Forrest Gump belong to?

 

 

Gen A

[TheVat]

T.Hanks for that!

[swansont]

!

Moderator Note

Some recent posts were moved to the political jokes thread

 

[Phi for All]

When I make someone breakfast in bed, is it too much to expect a little appreciation, or even just a "thank you"? Lately all I get is a bunch of questions, like "Who are you?" and "What are you doing in my house?"

[swansont]

Reminds me of this joke:

When I die, I want to go like my grandmother: peacefully, in my sleep. Not shrieking in terror, like the passengers in her car.

 

[studiot]

Winning jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-62626292

 

Spoiler

Masai Graham was voted the winner with his gag: "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta."

 

Edited August 22, 2022 by studiot

[Phi for All]

2 hours ago, swansont said:

Reminds me of this joke:

When I die, I want to go like my grandmother: peacefully, in my sleep. Not shrieking in terror, like the passengers in her car.

Misdirection is probably my favorite joke formula. Selling it well is an art form, imo. Bo Burnham is a master at it. I love his bit about believing in the Zodiac, and how morbidly ironic it is that his grandmother was a Cancer, and she was actually killed by a giant crab.

I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs. Like customs officers....

I had a few too many at a bar the other day, so I decided to take a cab home. That's the first time I've ever driven a cab, to be honest with you.

[TheVat]

Three guys walk into a bar.

Whoa, said a bystander, that must have hurt!

19 hours ago, Phi for All said:

When I make someone breakfast in bed, is it too much to expect a little appreciation, or even just a "thank you"? Lately all I get is a bunch of questions, like "Who are you?" and "What are you doing in my house?"

I don't know if that was a Rodney Dangerfield joke, but it sounds like one he'd make.  I hear his voice when I read that.

[Phi for All]

2 hours ago, TheVat said:

I don't know if that was a Rodney Dangerfield joke, but it sounds like one he'd make.  I hear his voice when I read that.

I heard two versions of this joke recently, and didn't really care for either, so I took the best from both to punch it up.

I agree about Dangerfield. He was another master of misdirection. "The doctor said I had cancer, and when I told him I'd like a second opinion, he said, 'You're ugly, too!'"

[MigL]

1 hour ago, Phi for All said:

I agree about Dangerfield. He was another master of misdirection. "The doctor said I had cancer, and when I told him I'd like a second opinion, he said, 'You're ugly, too!'"

That would be Dr. Vinnie Boombotz ...

[zapatos]

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.

[mistermack]

I tried to steal some spaghetti from an Italian restaurant kitchen today, but the owner was watching, and I couldn't get pasta. 

[Phi for All]

35 minutes ago, zapatos said:

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.

Good for you, that's what it's all about! I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

Just be careful around trees, some of them are pretty shady. And stairs always seem like they're up to something. And can someone tell me why the person who invented the knock-knock joke didn't get the No-Bell Prize for Comedy?

 

[TheVat]

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

[mistermack]

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.

[iNow]

[MigL]

I can't decide if this is hilarious, or just plain sad ...

Shaquille O'Neal Says His Flat-Earth Comments Are 'Just a Theory' While Questioning If Earth Spins (msn.com)

We pay these people millions of dollars, and kids look up to them.
The internet/TV/Hollywoood has made these people 'influencers', and they are contributing to the 'dumbing down' of society.

Of course, I would not say any of this to Shaq's face; he would crush me.