The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[swansont]

Every year homeopathy doesn’t win a chemistry Nobel, the dilution increases, boosting its chances of winning.

[Moontanman]

2 hours ago, swansont said:

Every year homeopathy doesn’t win a chemistry Nobel, the dilution increases, boosting its chances of winning.

That really is a good one!

 

[TheVat]

6 hours ago, swansont said:

Every year homeopathy doesn’t win a chemistry Nobel, the dilution increases, boosting its chances of winning.

When I'm tired, I like jokes that require less concentration.

[Genady]

7 hours ago, swansont said:

Every year homeopathy doesn’t win a chemistry Nobel, the dilution increases, boosting its chances of winning

... albeit only logarithmically.

[swansont]

2 hours ago, Genady said:

... albeit only logarithmically.

The agreement was there would be no fact-checking

[StringJunky]

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

[iNow]

[TheVat]

On 10/11/2024 at 6:49 AM, StringJunky said:

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

Is that Terry Pratchett?  Sounds like him.  

On a different (lower) plane of humour:

With the passing of Mitzi Gaynor, I am reminded of this knock knock joke...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sam and Janet.
Sam and Janet who?
(sings): Sam and Janet Evening...

Edited October 18 by TheVat
missing thingie

[toucana]

Posted on X by David Coverdale (!)

[iNow]

[Imagine Everything]

I thought this was funny when I heard it on a film I watched the other day so...

 

"I started reading a book about zero gravity

I couldn't put it down"

[Imagine Everything]

This joke isn't science related but it made me laugh and others when I told them.

It also isn't my joke, I wish I could take credit for it but I can't.

 

A saleswoman calls a household and a little boy answers it.

He whispers "Hello? Who's that?"

The saleswoman replies " I'm calling on behalf of my company, can I speak to your mum please?"

The little boy again whispers "No, she's busy"

So the saleswoman asks if she can speak to his dad.

The little boy again whispers "No, he's busy too"

A little confused, the saleswoman asks if there are any other adults in the house she can speak to.

Once again the little boy whispers "Yes the firemen but they're busy too"

The saleswoman is becoming concerned now and asks if there are any other adults in the house.

The little boy yet again whispers "Yes the police but they're busy too"

The saleswoman doesn't know what to think or who to ask for to speak to, so asks the little boy what they are all busy doing.

The little boy again whispers "They're trying to find me"

Edited October 21 by Imagine Everything
typo

[TheVat]

Hmm.  So...the boy is hiding where the house's landline is located, and that's in a place where trained personnel can't find you and no one hears the ring.  I so want this joke to work, but...

 

[Mordred]

5 hours ago, TheVat said:

Hmm.  So...the boy is hiding where the house's landline is located, and that's in a place where trained personnel can't find you and no one hears the ring.  I so want this joke to work, but...

 

Give the boy  a cell phone instead of a landline if that helps lol

Edited October 22 by Mordred

[joigus]

True master of one-liners. The one about dating cracked me up!

 

[TheVat]

I went to a costume party at a bar last weekend. I dressed up as a harp.

When I walked into the bar, the bartender said, "Hey, what are you supposed to be?"

I said, "I'm a harp."

He said, " You're way to small to be a harp."

I said, "Are you calling me a lyre?"

[sethoflagos]

1 hour ago, TheVat said:

I went to a costume party at a bar last weekend. I dressed up as a harp.

When I walked into the bar, the bartender said, "Hey, what are you supposed to be?"

I said, "I'm a harp."

He said, " You're way to small to be a harp."

I said, "Are you calling me a lyre?"

I lost my harp in Sam Frank's disco 

[TheVat]

You answer quite slowly: a girl with colitis goes by.

 

Edited October 23 by TheVat

[toucana]

[Mordred]

1 hour ago, toucana said:

Guess we found the QFT ghost field lol

[Imagine Everything]

This following joke comes from Gary Delaney, again I wish it was mine but alas...

 

My girlfriends dog died the other day

So I bought her a new one, exactly the same.

She was livid.

She shouted at me "Wtf am I going to do with 2 dead dogs?"

 

 

 

And this is from Milton Jones, I only tell the names because I don't deserve the credit for them and they do, they're very funny.

 

My grandad is always moaning about the cost of things...

Tea is £1.50

Biscuits are 50p

Coffee is £2

I said to him, I didn't invite you round to my house, you don't have to come here.

 

 

Lastly...I can't remember where I heard this

 

A neutron walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender for a beer.

Bartender gives him the beer and the neutron asks "How much mate?"

Bartender says "For you, no charge"

 

On 10/10/2024 at 6:38 PM, TheVat said:

When I'm tired, I like jokes that require less concentration.

Here's one for the tired then

 

A man walks into a bar and says ouch.

 

Ta da!

 

Ok ok I'll stop. I could post jokes all day long.

Edited November 7 by Imagine Everything

[Imagine Everything]

This is a Jimmy Jones joke if I remember correctly, I'll try to keep it clean

 

A man punk goes to a party and see's a lady punk he likes.

He goes up to her and says "Hi doll, you can dance with me if you like"

She says "I willlllll"

They dance for a bit and the punk man says "You can buy me a beer if you like"

She says "I willllll"

So she buys him a beer and they carry on dancing until the man punk has enough and says to the lady punk "You can go home with me tonight if you like"

She says "I willlll"

So they go back to the man punks flat and start playing records until the man punk gets a bit hungry & says to the lady punk "Ere doll, I'm a bit hungry, you can make me some sandwiches if you like"

She says "I willllll"

So they're both a bit drunk and well fed and the man punk starts to feel a bit randy & so says to the lady punk "You can sleep with me tonight if you like"

She says "I willlll"

So they go to the bedroom and have a bit of romance.

Afterwards the man punk looks at the lady punk and says "In about 9 months, you're going to have a baby, a baby boy. You can call it Peter if you like"

The lady punk then looks at the man punk with a glint in her eye and says " In about 2 weeks you're going to have a rash, you can call it measles if you like"

 

 

On 10/22/2024 at 1:23 PM, joigus said:

True master of one-liners. The one about dating cracked me up!

 

I watched him a couple of weeks ago, that guy is so funny.

Edited Tuesday at 08:30 PM by Imagine Everything

[TheVat]

I stopped at a friend's office one Xmas with a block of Vermont cheddar as a gift.  Security guy stopped me at the entrance.  He said, sorry, but you can't bring anything sharp into the  building.