The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[RICHARDBATTY]

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched

backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor.

 

"One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender,

"he knows when to stop."

[Hades]

Why is it called p.m.s.?

 

 

Because mad cow was already taken

 

 

 

:-/

[Newtonian]

Who in the uk remembers rainbow the childrens tv show and how disgustingly filthy it was. http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html

Even if your not from the uk you may still like this.

I had that full clip on video,however the website says it was broadcast but it wasnt.It was a deliberate wind up by the cast,however the producers were quickly on to it.Like your going to miss it

[RICHARDBATTY]

I had that full clip on video,however the website says it was broadcast but it wasnt.It was a deliberate wind up by the cast,however the producers were quickly on to it.Like your going to miss it

I did wonder as it was constant innuendo all the way through, but with the likes of sponge bob I would not rule anything out.

[YT2095]

"Sir David's amusing and original story reminds me of the Victorian circus proprietor, whose star performer was the human cannonball. People travelled miles to witness him propelled hundreds of yards through the air. One day, sadly, the men with the net misjudged his velocity and the human missile expired. Told of the tragedy, the proprietor commented "How sad; we will never find a man of the same calibre."

 

from: http://www.sir-george-young.org.uk/articles/newsitem.cfm?newsid=1668

[Phi for All]

I noticed the serial number on the condom I used last night was 777,777,777,777.

Serial number?! Condoms don't have serial numbers!

I guess you don't unroll them as far as I do!

[muhali3]

A neutron walks into a bar and gets a drink. The neutron asks the bartender "how much?". He says 'no charge'.

 

haha. get it. i know its not funny.

[Gilded]

<Rather tasteless joke of the morning, before I go to my physics exam preparation class or whatever you call it>

 

Phi for All has a company, and two employees called Sarah and Jack. Unfortunately, the company isn't doing too well and he has to fire one of them, although both are very good at their work. He decides to watch them work for a while and then chooses the one he fires.

So one day, Sarah is in his office and suddenly gets a headache. He takes an aspirin and heads for the vending machine to get something to drink. Phi for All walks up to her and says "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." Sarah replies "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache!"

[coquina]

hope this one hasn't been posted before...

 

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

 

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

 

ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

 

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

 

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

 

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.

(This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

 

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

 

SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home

with the kids or start a "home business".

 

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

 

XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

 

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

 

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often

profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless

paperwork and processes.

 

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

 

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

 

WOOFies - Well Off Older Folk.

 

CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

 

TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

[dan19_83]

a guy walks into a bar and asks for no less than ten wiskeys.

as quickly as they were put in front of him, he floored them back his throat.

the bartender in amazment asks: 'why did you do that?!'

the guy says: 'if you knew what i had you'd do it too'

the bartender jumps back in disgust (thinking he has some disease) and asks: what do you have'.

 

the guy says: only one euro

[1veedo]

If I was the last man on Earth I bet we could do it in public.

 

Hey baby, how 'bout we go to your place and calculate the spring coefficient of your matress?

 

Let's go back to my place and do some research in applied fluid dynamics.

 

...I was on a role today.

[ydoaPs]

a man is at a bar. he takes a shot and jumps out the window. a second later he comes up the stairs unharmed. he takes two shots and does it gain. then three. the man next to decides to give it a go. he takes a shot and jumps out the window. the bartender gets on the phone and says, "we need an ambulance; superman is screwin' with people agian."

[YT2095]

Top ten Comical Compounds...

 

http://chemclub.cambridgesoft.com/chemhumor/FStopten.cfm

[5614]

A bolt of lightning contains enough energy to toast 160,000 pieces of bread. Unfortunately the bolt only takes 1/10,000 of a second – so turning the bread over might prove difficult!!!

[Pangloss]

"Gas prices have been so high that Robert Blake and O.J. have been forced to carpool in their search for the real killers."

 

-- Jay Leno

[Rakdos]

Karl invited his mother over for dinner. During

the meal, his mother eyed his beautiful roommate,

suspicious that there was more than just a "roommate"

situation going on.

 

Karl saw her staring at Ellen. "I know what you're

thinking, mom, but Ellen and I are just friends."

A week later, Ellen said, "Karl, ever since your

mother came to dinner, I can't find the silver soup

ladle. Surely she wouldn't have taken it, would she?"

"I really don't think so," Karl replied. "I'll write

her a letter to ask, though." He got a sheet of paper,

sat down, and wrote, "Dear Mom, I'm not saying you took

our silver soup ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't

take it. But our soup ladle has been missing ever since

you came to dinner."

 

A few days later, he received a reply from his mother.

 

"Dear son, I'm not saying that you're sleeping with

Ellen, and I'm not saying that you're not sleeping with

Ellen. But if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would

have found the soup ladle by now. Love, Mom."

[Pangloss]

Saw a cool movie over the weekend.

 

It was called "Bud Santa"!

[Gilded]

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

- Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

*

Why did Mokele cross the road?

- He went after the dinosaur.

[Dak]

you know, i once gave simultaniouse sadism, necrophylia and bestiality a try.

 

it was like flogging a dead horse

[Dak]

and heres one for dave:

 

Q/ what did the mathematition do when he was constipated?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A/he worked it out with a pensil

[Pangloss]

18 things learned from the Schiavo case:

 

1) Jeb Bush, George W. Bush, and Tom Delay are all world renowned

neurologists.

 

2) 22 successive court battles that all ended in exactly the same way

means there is something wrong with the courts, not the Schindler's

case.

 

3) Mike Schiavo is after money which is why he turned down 1 million

dollars and 10 million dollars to sign over guardianship.

 

4) Congress and the State Legislature of Florida has nothing better to

do than pry into the private medical affairs of others.

 

5) Pulling life support is bad in Florida when authorized by the legal

next-of-kin, but pulling life support is good in Texas when you run out

of money and the mother pleads not to pull the plug on her baby.

 

6) Medical diagnoses are best performed by watching highly editted

videotape made by Randall Terry rather than in person by trained

physicians.

 

7) Minimum wage making nursing assistants are more qualified to

diagnose a persistant vegetative state than experienced neurologists.

 

8) Cerebral spinal fluid is a magical potion that can mimic the entire

functions of a missing cerebral cortex.

 

9) 15 years in the same persistant state is not really enough time to

make an accurate diagnosis.

 

10) A feeding tube that infuses yellow nutritional goop is not really

"life support".

 

11) Jesus was wrong when he said that a man and woman should leave

their parents and cleave only to each other.

 

12) Marriage is the most sacred of all unions, except when it isn't.

 

13) Interfering in a family's private tragedy is a great reason to cut

short a vacation, but getting a memo that warns a known terrorist is

determined to strike inside the US is cause to relax and finish up some

R&R.

 

14) Pro-lifers are really compassionate people which is why they are

hoping that Michael Schiavo dies a horrible painful death.

 

15) The Supreme Court of the United States and the State Supreme Court

of Florida mean "Maybe" when they are saying "No!".

 

16) Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is a bleeding heart liberal.

 

17) 7 Supreme Court Justices were appointed by republican presidents,

so it's Clinton's fault.

 

18) A judge who makes rulings based on the law is obviously an atheist,

liberal, democratic activist even though he is a conservative,

republican, Southern Baptist

[razorfane]

A homeless and a scientist sit together on a train. The scientist gets bored and decides to play a game based on questions and answers, whoever gets a wrong answer has to pay. Since the homeless guy only has one dollar they decide that if the homeless guy gets a question wrong he has to pay one dollar but if the scientist gets it wrong he pays what he has, $352.

 

The scientist goes first, he points out the window, "Can you see that star?" he tells the homeless. "Tell me the distance of the nearest star in that constallation." Off course the homeless guy had no idea so he ended up paying his dollar. Now the homeless' turn, "Do you see that mountain?", he tells the scientist. "What animal goes up the mountain on four feet and comes down the mountain on six feet?". The scientist thinks and thinks but nothing comes up. Arriving at the final stop, the scientist finally gives up and pays $352, but before exiting he says "How can this be possible, with all these years of study. Please you have to tell me what animal goes up the mountain on four feet and comes down on six!" So the homeless reaches for his pocket and gives him one dollar.

 

Moral: common sense is better than knowledge(umm... generally speaking)

[Dak]

some flash-jokes for phisisists, courtisy of albinoblacksheep:

 

 

jokes with einstein

 

jokes with einstein 2

 

the last one pretty much sums up my oppinion of quantum phisisists, or however you spell it

[mustang292]

Daddy, how was I born ? Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secludes room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.

[Newtonian]

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he

challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy. The boy

has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody

to his aunt.

 

The boy however confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and

refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his

grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.

 

Then in an unprecedented move, the judge dramatically allowed the boy to

choose who should have custody of him.

 

 

 

 

 

In a final ruling yesterday, custody was granted to the England Rugby Team

as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.