The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[jdurg]

Alright, you may need to know some Texas Hold'Em poker terminology to get these jokes, but I found them pretty funny.

 

With the rise of poker as a popular game to play these days, the makers of Cialis (an Erectile Dysfunction Drug) have begun to sponsor poker tournaments and are coming up with some 'not so kosher' taglines.

 

"No more limping in with Cialis".

 

"If you take Cialis, you no longer have to worry about a bad flop".

 

"Get pocket rockets every time with Cialis".

 

"With Cialis, you'll want everyone to suck out on you".

 

"Make a strong pair with Cialis".

[why?]

What is green, has four legs and if it falls on you from a tree it cud hurt u badly???

 

 

 

a pool table

[why?]

wats the difference between a shark and a rubber band.

they r both made of rubber except for the shark.

[why?]

ok heres another good one.

well this explorer is going through a dense forest when he suddenly sees blood thirsty natives around him. he says to himself " NOW i am screwed."

there is a voice from above, a cloud opens and says" you r not screwed. you see that rock in front of u. well got pick it up and hit the cheif with it. "

the explorer goes and hits the vheif on the head with the rock. then he stands on the life less body while the native are looking at him in amazement.

The voice from above says' "NOW you are crewed."

[Pangloss]

I thought folks here might find this quote amusing, given our recent discussion on the straw man fallacy:

 

"You are a pyromaniac in a field of straw men!"

 

George Will said that to Katrina vanden Heuvel of The Nation this morning on "This Week". Vanden Heuvel was sitting right next to him at the time, waxing on about the hypocrisy of the far right on the subject of stem cell research. When I realized what he said I 'bout fell out of my chair.

[Guest MissDevenney]

My fav joke :

 

Q) why are pirates pirates?

A) they just arrrrgh!

 

muhahahah

[iglak]

A great pickup line my friend thought of:

 

"Hey baby, how's about you be the graph, and i be the derivative?

That way, i can be tangent to all your curves."

[5614]

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and puts it out. The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures a precise amount of water into a container. He takes it over to the

fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes out. The mathematician pores over pencil and paper. After a few minutes he goes "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg.

 

Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates carefully and produces a carefully ooked egg; and the mathematician lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the previous problem."

 

[Phi for All]

Wife: "What would you do if I died?"

Husband: "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset."

Wife: "Would you remarry?"

Husband: "No, of couse not, dear."

Wife: "Don't you like being married?"

Husband: "Of course I do, dear. You're right, I guess I'd remarry."

Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

Husband: "Well, she'd be my wife, so I suppose I would."

Wife: "I see. And would you let her wear my old clothes?"

Husband: "I suppose so. No sense letting them go to waste."

Wife: "Really. Would you take down my pictures and put up pictures of her?"

Husband: "I think that would be the correct thing to do."

Wife: "Is that so? And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too?"

Husband: "Absolutely not! She's left-handed."

[Wiggle]

Three couples walk into a church, an old couple, middle aged and a young couple. They ask if they can join up.

The preist says "Yes you can, if you can go away and not have sex for two weeks,"

Off they all toddle to try and hold it together for a fortnight.

Two weeks later they all come back and the preist asks "So how did it go?"

The old couple reply "Oh yes, no problem at all."

"oh good in you come then," says the preist in a freindly tone.

The middle aged couple come over and the woman tells the priest "Oh, well, um...yes we did manage it but I had to lock him in the shed,"

"Well at least you managed it, in you come," Smiles the preist.

Finally the young couple walk over blushing and the young man explains "I'm sorry father we couldn't manage it..." looking at his wife "you see it was all going well until i saw her bending over into the fridge, i had to have her i couldn't help it,"

The priest frowns and says "Well I'm sorry but you are just not welcome here, goodbye,"

To which the young man replies "Yeah, we're not allowed in Sainsburys again either,"

[Wiggle]

Q: How do you titilate an Ocelot?

 

 

 

A: You ocelate its tits alot.

[Elliott]

What happens when you line up three blondes ear to ear?

 

You get a wind tunnel.

 

 

Do you want hear a dirty joke: Bob fell in the mud.

 

Do you want hear a clean joke: Bob took a bath with bubbles.

 

Do you want hear a dirty joke: Bubbles is the girl next door.

[YT2095]

Q: what`s the sharpest thing in existance?

 

A: a fart... it can cut through your pants without making a hole

[Hyd]

Little Mary took a drink

and now she will drink no more.

What she thought was H20

Was H2S04

 

How many ibms does it take to execute a program?

10, 9 to hold it down and one to cut its head off.

 

What do you get when you cross an IUD with a CPU?

A computer that can't multiply.

[scientistsahai]

A man was about to die when the angels ask him to leave his worldly desires and die. The man challenges angels for a bet that if they can answer his question he will die but if not then he'll live for another century.

 

The next day he comes and sits on a chair with 27 small holes. An hour after the angels come, he farts . He asks them from which hole did the gas passed out??

 

After a day long calculations the angels come up with an answer and say it come out from the 14 hole.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But the man wins........ it came out from asshole!!

[YT2095]

a huge 8 foot hole has appeared in the middle of an interstate Highway... the police are now looking into it.

 

nearby a man drank a litre of battery acid after stealing the battery from a parked car in an attempted suicide bid... the police will be charging him later.

 

there was a Hijacking of a cargo plane containing several hundered crates of Cigarettes and over 50 crates of Carrots, the plane has since been recovered minus it`s cargo... the police are now searching for a Rabbit with a bad Cough.

[ecoli]

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin turn to the other and says, "You know, it's getting rather hot in here." The other muffin screams, "Oh my God, it's a talking muffin!!!!"

[scientistsahai]

A man goes to a bar and gets a beer. He sees a lot of people eyeing his drink. He goes to relieve himself and leaves a message on the drink...."I spit in that beer."..... hoping that no one would now touch his beer.

 

After he came he found his glass half empty and another note written there ".... I spit in there too!!"

[Dak]

I know this isnt strictly speaking a joke, and i know alot of you will have seen it already, but i was crying with laughter so hard that my face hurt after reading this thread, and just wanted to share it with you.

 

daves closing comment is the best bit.

[MetaFrizzics]

Never wrestle with a pig. You just get all dirty, and the pig enjoys it!

Yeah, and he enjoys the wrestle as well!

 

I'll never forget the funniest joke I ever saw above the urinal: "Why are you looking here? The joke's in your hand."

[scientistsahai]

A chemistry lecturer asks a girl " What are nitrates?"

She replies "Night rates are $200 and the hotel bill!!"

[scientistsahai]

In China, a NEWLY wed couple, were arguing :

Wife : "Our neibhours had 12 children but still he feeds all and has brought a new microwave home.When will you get me one ?

 

The man disturbed talks to the neighor.

 

The nest day he too brings a microwave home.On inquiring , he tells " the govt declared that anyone who does the circumcision, will get a microwave free. I just got one!!"

[scientistsahai]

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"

 

Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!"

 

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

 

Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."

 

"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With suprise she asks, "Fred what are you doing!?"

 

To which Fred replies, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!"

[scientistsahai]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the

Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,

"What

are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a

Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's.

The

hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter

responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved

twice,

telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[eon_rider]

Two olives on a table.

 

One olive falls off.

 

the olive on the table says to his friend who fell. "are you ok down there?"

 

The olive that fell on the floor replies "O-live"