The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[CanadaAotS]

Three adventurers enter the jungle and they soon found that they were lost, and before they knew it a tribe captured them.

 

The chief of the tribe told them "Go out into the jungle and collect 10 of 1 type of fruit then come back".

 

So the three adventurers go out to get the fruit. The first adventurer returns with 10 bananas. Then the chief tells him "Now you must shove every one of those up your ass without making a sound. If you do you will die, if not we let you go." He gets to the second one before making a noise, and the chief kills him.

 

The second adventurer walks up the hill with 10 grapes. The chief tells him the same thing as the first. He gets to 8 before laughing hysterically and gets killed by the chief.

 

The 2 adventurers are up in heaven talking and the first says to the second, "Why didn't you finish, you could have lived!" and the second says "I saw the last guy walking up the hill with pineapples"

[Pangloss]

"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"

 

- Stephen Wright

[EvoN1020v]

One blonde was driving in her silver Mustang. She stomped on the brake when she saw a red light at a intersection. Suddenly she noticed a stranger on the sidewalk in the corner. The stranger was waving to her furiously. Why?

 

A: The blonde just killed Paris Hilton's dog!!

 

Sorry guys this is the best I can do. I can't make up good jokes.

[EvoN1020v]

Ok I apologize for my last really BAD BAD BAD joke. I have a better one now. I hope you guys enjoy my next joke. (I hope so!! )

 

 

A new father goes into the delivery room to see his newborn baby boy. The doctor pulls him aside and says " I have the most amazing news. Your boy can fly". The doctor sees the doubt in the fathers eyes so he offers a demonstration. He picks up the little boy, holds him high in the air and then lets go. The baby falls to the floor with a loud thump.

 

"You son of a bitch" says the new father, ready to kill the doctor. " Wait, something must be wrong. He flew this morning. Let me try again". He flings the boy across the room and he slams against the wall and slides down to the floor.

 

"Oh my god, I am going to kill you" says the father as he is running towards the baffled doctor. "No no wait, I know what I did wrong. I promise it will work this time". He opens the window and tosses the kid out. The kid of course falls 7 stories and leaves a mess on the sidewalk below. By this time the father is choking the doctor. With his last breath the doctor says " I was just messing with you. Your son was born dead."

[Guest openblinders]

And a hush fell over the crowd...That was actually hilarious...

 

 

 

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

Have I seen that posted here before?

[Phi for All]

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween Party but she got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party without her. He protested but eventually took his costume and away he went.

 

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and decided to go the party. Her husband didn't know what her costume was but she knew what his was. She thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he would act when she wasn't with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around the dance floor, dancing with every babe he could. The wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

 

She let him go as far as he wished. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear, and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Two, in fact. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put her costume away and got back into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

 

She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked him what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

 

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

 

He replied, "Didn't dance at all. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill, and Paul, so we went into the den to play poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"

[aj47]

lol good joke

 

Ok heres mine..

A man was driving through the antartic and he broke down so he called a repair man. When the repair man came he looked at the guys car and said 'it looks like you've blown a seal' and the guy says 'no thats just frost on my lip'

[Mart]

Guy gets washed up unconscious on a desert island. When he comes to he finds Kylie Minogue next to him. They get talking and after a few days they're quite friendly. Before long they've set up house and she's cooking for him. Then, he's over the moon because she agrees to share his bed. He's going around with a big grin on his face.

 

One day she notices that he's really down in the dumps. This continues the next day and the day after. Kylie asks him what's up but he won't say. She persists and he says that if she'll do something for him then he'll get over it. She's a bit reluctant but agrees to listen. "All I want ", he says, "is for you to mess your hair up a bit, put some mud on your face and then walk clockwise round the island. I'll walk anti-clockwise and we'll meet halfway".

 

"OK" she says and she does the cosmetics and they set off in opposite directions. When she's gone a fair distance she sees him coming towards her and he's running really fast. He comes racing up to her, all out of breath but with a big grin on his face, and shouts "Hey! You'll never guess who I'm shagging! Kylie Minogue!

[Phi for All]

IMO, what makes the above joke really funny is if Kylie has to agree to dress up like a man, not just look different by messing up her hair and smearing mud on herself. It's funnier if the guy just has to brag to another guy.

 

 

 

 

 

Amazing Anagrams

 

Dormitory = Dirty Room

 

Desperation = A Rope Ends It

 

The Morse Code = Here Come Dots

 

Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em

 

Animosity = Is No Amity

 

Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's

 

Alec Guinness = Genuine Class

 

Semolina = Is No Meal

 

The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

 

A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place

 

The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake

 

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

 

Contradiction = Accord not in it

 

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune = In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

 

That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind = A thin man left planet, makes a large stride, ran, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

What, no more Gir stand-ups?

[Phi for All]

WARNING: Gir Stand-ups coming for the holidays!

 

In the meantime, here's an answer from one of Dave's old geometry exams:

 

[aj47]

What do you call a smart blond....

 

 

 

 

A Golden Retriever

[Miss Perfect]

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They wee driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened

almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside.

 

The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

 

"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

 

"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides,

that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Knife with me, nad in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

 

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

[1veedo]

Either we can do it, or you can do it. If you know of a better way than us to do something, do it yourself.

 

When there's no food left in the kitchen we will eventually find some someware else.

 

We don't need to dress up to get the mail. If voyours want to watch us walking half naked to the mail box, then that's their own issue.

 

Our cloths need cleaned, on average, once a month. We will eventually wash our own cloths when everything is dirty.

 

Don't ask us if we think you're fat. We've been tricked before.

 

If something itches, it will be scratched.

 

more:

 

You dont need to hate all men just because your recent relationship ended. Get on with your life.

 

We're not always thinking about you. Don't think we don't care if we dont bring back a sweatshirt from Chicago. We cant read your mind.

 

We dont consider birthdays and holidays as opertunities to buy gifts. Be glad if we even remember when you're birthday is. And no, we neither know nor care how many days it is till Christmas.

 

Subtle hints don't work. Obvious hints dont work. If you want somethign, tell us; We cant read your mind.

 

The letter "i" has a dot above it. There is no heart nor circle. And there is no need to make rediculously large loops for the p and g. If we cant make out your notes don't expect us to be able to read your mind.

[Phi for All]

What, no more Gir stand-ups?

Any good candidates you can think of besides Mokele and In My Memory?

[Rakdos]

Any good candidates you can think of besides Mokele and In My Memory?

 

herme3??

[1veedo]

This is the last.

 

 

If you want "five minuits" we will give you five minuits. When five minuits turns to fouty five you've probably made us late for something important.

 

To us, nothing means nothing. Men don't read body language and we cant read your mind.

 

Yes, the plants got plenty of water. They died anyway.

 

No, we do not want to take the quize with you.

[ecoli]

Either we can do it' date=' or you can do it. If you know of a better way than us to do something, do it yourself.

 

When there's no food left in the kitchen we will eventually find some someware else.

 

We don't need to dress up to get the mail. If voyours want to watch us walking half naked to the mail box, then that's their own issue.

 

Our cloths need cleaned, on average, once a month. We will eventually wash our own cloths when everything is dirty.

 

Don't ask us if we think you're fat. We've been tricked before.

 

If something itches, it will be scratched.

 

more:

 

You dont need to hate all men just because your recent relationship ended. Get on with your life.

 

We're not always thinking about you. Don't think we don't care if we dont bring back a sweatshirt from Chicago. We cant read your mind.

 

We dont consider birthdays and holidays as opertunities to buy gifts. Be glad if we even remember when you're birthday is. And no, we neither know nor care how many days it is till Christmas.

 

Subtle hints don't work. Obvious hints dont work. If you want somethign, tell us; We cant read your mind.

 

The letter "i" has a dot above it. There is no heart nor circle. And there is no need to make rediculously large loops for the p and g. If we cant make out your notes don't expect us to be able to read your mind.[/quote']

 

Hear, Hear! This is a golden list, 1veedo!

[Pangloss]

An actor, a daytime talk show host, and an activist all get together to discuss "one of the most important issues facing all of humanity."

[aj47]

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb......

 

 

 

 

 

Fish

[Pangloss]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

[why?]

The Firing Squad

 

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely. The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him, ''Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isn't there anything you want before you die?''

The man thought for a moment, then said, ''Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song from beginning to end, without interruption?''

The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the song.

''Ten million bottles of beer on the wall...''

__________________

[Pangloss]

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

 

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

 

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle - Paul"

 

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

 

*** Brief Pause ***

 

"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

 

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

 

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

 

"I did it Daddy"

 

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

 

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

 

"OH, my Hell. What about your Uncle Paul?"

 

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

 

***Long Pause***

 

***Longer Pause***

 

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 486 - 5731?

[why?]

Male Seminars

by Females

 

1. Combatting Stupidity

 

2. You, Too, Can Do Housework

 

3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

 

4. How to Fill an Ice Tray

 

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money

 

6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am

 

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques: formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks"

 

8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception

 

9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook

 

10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong

 

11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right

 

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

 

13. You: The Weaker Sex

 

14. Reasons to Give Flowers

 

15. How to Stay Awake in Public

 

16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom

 

17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb

 

18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try

 

19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower

 

20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please

 

21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down: formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet"

 

22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms

 

23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull

 

24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost

 

25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

 

26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex

 

27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes

 

28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too

 

29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home

 

30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

 

31. Seeing the True You: formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked"

 

32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works

 

33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting "tits" From Your Vocabulary

 

34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary

 

35. Techniques for calling home

[why?]

Female Seminars

by Males

 

1. Elementary Map Reading

 

2. Crying and Law Enforcement

 

3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR

 

4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours

 

5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast

 

6. The Seven-Outfit Week

 

7. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty....... Deal With it"

 

8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions

 

9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights

 

10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed

 

11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water

 

12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament

 

13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "'Me Too' Equals I Love You"

 

14. How to Earn Your Own Money

 

15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good"

 

16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side

 

17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

 

18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station

 

19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+Channels

 

20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

 

21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too

 

22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out

 

23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock"

 

24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"

 

25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House

 

26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?